Murderer - Blood deh pan mi shoulda

I probably shouldn't be confessing my sins in this blog but I have to get it off my conscience so I am here to tell my blogging buddies that I am a serial killer. I didn't plan to be this way, it just happened and now I'm not sure I'll be able to get away for much longer.

My first victim was quick but not quick enough as it tried to fly out of my clutches on a broken wing.....it didn't work, so I ended its life with a screech. I prayed about it and eventually I forgave myself for the wicked act.....thou shalt not kill it is written. This happened in another space, another place, another time... I was new to the neighbourhood and had plans to leave soon so my bad deed went unnoticed for all this time.

I wasn't as lucky as before with my second victim. there was no premeditation, there was no ill will....it was an accident really. I wasn't even driving fast, cause the road required skillful manipulation to ensure that front end and tyres remained functional. I saw the lady, I saw the puppy run but I honestly thought there was no danger....until i felt a bump and heard the same lady shout 'come puppy" and " min' yuh kill him". By the time I had processed what she had said, and realised that the bump I felt was not a pot hole but the little body of a runt who hadn't yet had a chance to live, it was too late. Like a fool I hopped out of the vehicle and ran to the other side only to see the remains of the the little one...damn. Instantly I realised that I had put myself at great risk, cause I shouldn't have even gotten out in the area I was in...off Hagley Park Road....worse having slaughtered a loved one for one of its residents......I apologised profusely and hightailed it out of dodge.

I am sad about it though.....I like animals and I hate to see them come to harm, even now I shiver at the thought of the poor little thing trying to get back to mommy.....I am evil. I remember being vex as hell with first love who hit a dog on our way in from St. Mary once......we didn't speak for 2 days, as he tried to assure me that it couldn't be helped and he was sorry....dem things deh mash mi up star....we are our pets' keepers, its up to us to keep them safe and what do I do, I squish them under my tyres:( I will pray again about it and beg for forgiveness.

Good Night

I had a great time at Reggae Sumfest last night...yeah we left town too late, yeah we missed some of the good artistes but damn my crew made it fantastic to be there. Personally I think I didn't get my monies worth from the performances I did catch having gotten to Catherine Hall at 11:00 p.m. but some of them gave me a good enough vibe. If I had to say who rocked the 'Hall" I would have to choose Movado.....he is promising. Second place would go to Busy Signal.

I had to acknowledge though that the music has gone to shit....I didn't know half the tunes they did but i know I couldn't tolerate too much of the mind numbing drivel they call lyrics these days which seem only to have two general themes, shooting out yuh marrow and every thing one can do with a woman. It saddens me to know that there will be a generation of youngsters who think that fucking /making love only entails daggering, stabbing or some other equally painful sounding, unskilled motion. Its sad cause they will never know what its like to enjoy a session in a slow tantalizing, every inch of your flesh burning manner.

Anyway, as I said, I had high vibes last night so I caught on to those I could and danced with myself in a group of couples, got pissed I was the seventh wheel but then said frig it. I flirted with one or two of God's wonderfully built creations and on the whole , left the festivities for work in a great mood. Unfortunately now the 'no sleep' situation has my eyes drooping and bloodshot and I can't wait for 4 p.m so that I can head for home, but it was all worth it.

I can't say that there weren't times when I was down right vex 'bout the not having a man behind me grinding against his......, especially as the night air wreaked havoc on my senses and my group peeps paired off to 'love up' a bit, but I was a trooper....frig it indeed. Life is sometimes unfortunate, one just has to learn to live through the tough times until better comes.

It was a good night and I wish I could attend on Saturday too, I love Lil Wayne and I hope he brings Bird man along too.....I love his nasty looking tattoo riddled body....he looks like a man that could deliver a serious bruising....of course Etana and Taurus would be huge must sees too (if I could ever reach a venue early enough to see them perform...they perform too early man) I shouldn't torture myself like this I know cause there is no way in hell I can afford another ticket at this time of the month, so I'll be glad I went last night and call it that. I wish I were better at asking for things....if I were, I could probably get the tickets free from connected parties, but who wants to be a beggar....I'm weird like that....I would have no difficulty with someone giving me the tickets without my initiating it though...tsk, tsk.

I guess this post is just to say that I had fun last night....good, clean....ish fun.

Stupidity

If there were a world record for the number of times one could be stupid or engage in stupid actions, then I doubt very much that I would have competition for that award. I would join the other great Jamaican world record holders and would be proud...ish to be amongst such noble comrades who fly their country's flag high......well maybe not, an award such as mine is best kept, I think, very close to the breast.

I had an up and down week and end of week.....in my bid to escape from the clutches of Boogie and the drama that usually accompanies our coming together, I erred and did something stupid. I don't accept responsibility for my actions cause had I been able to seduce my bredren/friend to join me in Kingston for the weekend then I wouldn't be blogging about this error deed today. So I will lay blame squarely at the foot of unavailable bredrens.

I don't know why I keep thinking that things will not result the way they usually result with Boogie....we make love and then I get angry, then I piss him off eventually and then we don't speak for a month. I should have caught the rake though, cause in the week I shielded myself from numerous calls and emails but still thought the weekend would be fine...that no temptation would come my way, that no agent for stupidity would be uncovered and spur my action. I was wrong. My battle was also complicated by my unfortunate good interaction with the Player......I guess I'm still a little silly....

On Saturday when I realised that Boogie would drop by my house, having not been able to reach me by phone...he's annoying like that, and it won't stop until he sees one of these days, what he thinks is already happening. I am and have been innocent in recent months past though....really I have. My concern these days are family, physical fitness and hanging on by my finger tips to my celibacy......nothing more.....men these days are too harsh, and it doesn't matter the age, I am woefully unprepared to deal with them so I choose instead to flirt a bit, but nothing more until I sort some shit out.

Anyway, I ran to my Office and got some work done, but as the hours passed and I rejected yet another call from Boogie I started feeling the old feelings.....I knew I needed an outlet for my energy so I figured if the Player were available then I could expel some of my energy on him and be focused for when Boogie comes around. I sent a simple text..."Busy?"..... I got no response.....I must admit that I was pissed a little, for a while, but then I realised that it is the weekend and he is who and how he is, so the 'no response' wasn't as earth shattering......this left me though without my armour and as sure as night follows day Boogie delivered the coup de grace, he sent a message asking if I really could turn my back on 11 years of love and friendship...of course I sent back saying yes, especially when it simply does not work anymore. Within an hour he was at my gate...Damn.

We went to Port Royal and had some fish and bammy, all the time I was hoping and praying that the Lord would still the fire which began burning in my----- at the mere sight of the man. I failed. I was sucked under the stars on the beach and it was great, but this was just the beginning. We went home and he treated me to some good old fashioned love making, the kind that leaves you breathless at the thought of it, the kind that makes you postpone your gynaecology appointment the next day cause the Doctor a guh si seh the thing battered and bruised. It felt good being wrapped in a man's arms for the night.

Though we parted ways with good vibes on Sunday evening......my alone time was too reflective and again I was pissed by the fact that the man knew all the buttons to press with me......so I went out to ease my mind. I hooked up a girlfriend and her spoogie and we went to Rae Town...didn't even know that it was still a happening vibe on a Sunday, but it is and it was great.

Life unfolds without apology so I have no apologies for my actions last weekend.....I have only one regret, that I allowed myself to be afraid of Boogie to the point of stupidity and my attempt at making contact with the Player when I know that there is nothing between us. Time will mend all armour and walls, I need to protect myself.....and I will.

Family

I had a good looong weekend......I took some days to spend time with my visiting big brother and my nieces and nephew. We were all over the place, from country to town and town to country all culminating in a big belated birthday bash for him in St. Elizabeth.....I like my Big Bro...he's cross, angry and miserable but always balanced when the time is right. I learnt some more stuff about playing....pity I'm not exactly playing right now, I want to mend my twice broken heart before I get into the game again, but the lessons would have come in handy when I was dabbling with the Player.

We reminisced about growing up, we went night fishing with some of his bredrens, we tried to out drink each other on those boring evenings and I got to see the man and father he had become. I was happy to call him brother and I told him as much. This was a shock cause we grew up shunning any semblance of emotional connectedness, but I was happy to see that I wasn't the only one being afflicted by age and maturity and that he too was suffering from being a little on the sappy side. We hugged, we reasoned, we planned for my visit to Canada (hopefully in the summer time...cause mi caan manage di cold weather too tough).

All in all , it was a good 2 weeks.......my only difficulty was that it also rehashed some bad memories of growing up and I wasn't prepared for all the emotion. Also it made me realise how much I miss us all being in the same space. It would be cool if that could happen again but with a little brother on his way to do his Phd, 2 big brothers with families in adopted lands, a sister who is on her way to home ownership in Mounty country and 2 big brothers with little care for the rest of the family let alone family occasions, I don't think it will happen any time soon. So until I can work out the details of a family reunion we will continue to meet together here and there, sometimes just two of us other times 3, and be satisfied with the opportunity we have to share space together.

Overcoming

Today was not as bad as I thought it would be.....I learned to trust the Lord to be my rock in my time of need and self doubt and he came through for me with flying colours.....its moments like these that make me flirt with the idea of being a Christian. When you stand in awe of his powers and deep within you know seh a suh di thing shoulda set up every day of our lives on this earth....but somehow, even with the demonstration, we tend to delay...as if being in the world can really bring us the peace we need.......hopefully this will change one day.

I had a good day because I needed to do something that I didn't think I could do on my own, but thanks to much prayer and the kind support of a colleague I got through it with little scarring. Its good to face your demons sometimes.

I am going home to an ice cold Red Stripe and hopefully a hug....today was a good day