I wish to blacklist the following things:
1) Cuddling
2) Memories
3) Rainy Days and "Cold Fronts"
4) Dreams
5) Passive Rebellion
6) Impatience
7) The Colour Green
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Searching
I am searching for a sign.....a sign that can provide clarity that my soul will accept. I wish I were this committed to my job, to being all I can be, I would be unstoppable.
I search every word here, every action in my memory, every thought I have, for that something which will jog me back to reality....no....accepting the obvious. I want to find that thing which will rock my core and cause me to uncover my pride again, my overly proud self. A self which would laugh in the face of this dilemma, a self which would finally be totally fed up and open to living the reality.
I am searching still, for a self which will override this circuit of foolishness,.......a self I can look at in the mirror again without disgust. I need to find me, only then will I be able to deal.
I wish I had a sign post which would mark an X at the spot where I now reside, where I can uncover a self which the pirate of emotion can no longer pilfer and pillage....one which couldn't be raped by the villain of weakness.....one which could stand firm and unshackled from the imprints of him in my mind....one which could stand up and be counted.....one which I wouldn't be disappointed to be.
I wish to be FREE.
I search every word here, every action in my memory, every thought I have, for that something which will jog me back to reality....no....accepting the obvious. I want to find that thing which will rock my core and cause me to uncover my pride again, my overly proud self. A self which would laugh in the face of this dilemma, a self which would finally be totally fed up and open to living the reality.
I am searching still, for a self which will override this circuit of foolishness,.......a self I can look at in the mirror again without disgust. I need to find me, only then will I be able to deal.
I wish I had a sign post which would mark an X at the spot where I now reside, where I can uncover a self which the pirate of emotion can no longer pilfer and pillage....one which couldn't be raped by the villain of weakness.....one which could stand firm and unshackled from the imprints of him in my mind....one which could stand up and be counted.....one which I wouldn't be disappointed to be.
I wish to be FREE.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Feelings
I am feeling the burn....you know....that unmistakable feeling that starts in the pit of your stomach, makes your blood boil, that vibe that transforms everyday activities into a showcase of hmmmm moments......I need to have sex.
Its simple really, its been a week and something since I've had any and my body right now is like an electric circuit pulsing at every whisper, every hint of male presence, and god forbid I should get a hug from a man....its bad. I've always been like this.....I like sex...its good, it focuses me.... so in the weeks to come, with no outlet..... or inlet may be more appropriate......I will become very distracted, intensely on edge and basically no fun to be around.
I need to learn to control myself cause I have no willing options right now, and I wouldn't want the larger issues between me and Boogie to be overshadowed by the fact that I need to do this....he knows that this is how I am too so he is probably waiting me out right now, knowing that I am fighting a losing battle...do I enlist the help of my new friend????
I will try to control myself for now and hope that I am at least able to equal my record of 3 weeks....then I will take baby steps from there. This sounds like a positive plan.....I will pray for a good outcome.
Its simple really, its been a week and something since I've had any and my body right now is like an electric circuit pulsing at every whisper, every hint of male presence, and god forbid I should get a hug from a man....its bad. I've always been like this.....I like sex...its good, it focuses me.... so in the weeks to come, with no outlet..... or inlet may be more appropriate......I will become very distracted, intensely on edge and basically no fun to be around.
I need to learn to control myself cause I have no willing options right now, and I wouldn't want the larger issues between me and Boogie to be overshadowed by the fact that I need to do this....he knows that this is how I am too so he is probably waiting me out right now, knowing that I am fighting a losing battle...do I enlist the help of my new friend????
I will try to control myself for now and hope that I am at least able to equal my record of 3 weeks....then I will take baby steps from there. This sounds like a positive plan.....I will pray for a good outcome.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Actions and Reactions
Why is it that when one aspect of your life is crappy other parts become so complicated and challenging.
Its a blue New Year as I had expected, what I didn't predict correctly was the cause......
On New Year's Eve I was caught at work until after 5:00 pm (work ended at 2:00pm), it couldn't be helped, in the absence of my boss I was summoned by the bigger boss......as I saw Boogie's number light up my cell phone screen, I knew that this call was to concretize our plans for the night.....unfortunately I was in a meeting. I know I had an option to open the key and let him hear that I was engaged but instead I chose to reject the call.....because the phone did a mek noise by now and I panicked (its so unprofessional)..... As I hit the button, a spark went off in my head that my action would have been treated as an attack, but I had little time to think things through.
When I wrapped up that evening and was on my way back to the Office, I called.....he did not answer. It seems not responding to me is a catching disease......anyway, I like New Years Eve and I'm a firm believer in the notion that whoever you are with at 12:00 a.m. will be the person you are with throughout the year (I know, I'm too romantic) .....so I made 2 further calls which yielded the same result. As 10:00 pm rolled in and I accepted that I was gonna be alone, I got pissed and sent an emotional expletive laced message, the essence of which would have conveyed thanks for deciding that he didn't wish to be with me this year. Fuck.
You ask a question of one and the other delivers an answer....I can't win.
So we have not spoken since, but he is my Boogie and I am really pissed still, cause his lack of contact really just makes the situation worse...why can't men figure that out...time does not quell the fire, it stokes it. I don't think I was overreacting, its been 10 yrs, he should know that I would not take kindly to being stood up on that day......maybe he didn't care and wanted to put an end to the cause of his doubt and pain.....Anyway I know I should have handled the situation better but I am passionate, I can't help it. When did it get this fucked up?
Its a blue New Year as I had expected, what I didn't predict correctly was the cause......
On New Year's Eve I was caught at work until after 5:00 pm (work ended at 2:00pm), it couldn't be helped, in the absence of my boss I was summoned by the bigger boss......as I saw Boogie's number light up my cell phone screen, I knew that this call was to concretize our plans for the night.....unfortunately I was in a meeting. I know I had an option to open the key and let him hear that I was engaged but instead I chose to reject the call.....because the phone did a mek noise by now and I panicked (its so unprofessional)..... As I hit the button, a spark went off in my head that my action would have been treated as an attack, but I had little time to think things through.
When I wrapped up that evening and was on my way back to the Office, I called.....he did not answer. It seems not responding to me is a catching disease......anyway, I like New Years Eve and I'm a firm believer in the notion that whoever you are with at 12:00 a.m. will be the person you are with throughout the year (I know, I'm too romantic) .....so I made 2 further calls which yielded the same result. As 10:00 pm rolled in and I accepted that I was gonna be alone, I got pissed and sent an emotional expletive laced message, the essence of which would have conveyed thanks for deciding that he didn't wish to be with me this year. Fuck.
You ask a question of one and the other delivers an answer....I can't win.
So we have not spoken since, but he is my Boogie and I am really pissed still, cause his lack of contact really just makes the situation worse...why can't men figure that out...time does not quell the fire, it stokes it. I don't think I was overreacting, its been 10 yrs, he should know that I would not take kindly to being stood up on that day......maybe he didn't care and wanted to put an end to the cause of his doubt and pain.....Anyway I know I should have handled the situation better but I am passionate, I can't help it. When did it get this fucked up?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
