Waiting to Exhale 2

Noting how much trouble my lower region gets me into, I had determined that I needed to take a break from sex for at least 2 months. I knew it would be difficult, I like getting @$%ked, but I also knew that the fact that Boogie and I were on the outs and James Bond being the way he is, incognito from even his own damn self, now was the perfect opportunity to grow up a little.

So its been 2 and sumpn weeks......my back hurts now, and most of my thoughts are about sex. Its getting harder to stay away from forbidden fruits......it takes all my energy to focus on day to day tasks......I wish I could be pulled out of this purgatory. I know I am supposed to be the one in control and that the decision to stick to this programme is totally in my hands, but right now I just want to feel some other emotions....I want to feel wanted, I want to feel cherished and loved, I don't want to be the forever fighting me girl today, I want to surrender myself to someone else.....fuck the consequences.

The Cycle Continues

It been an interesting weekend...this notwithstanding, I'm at work.....don't mind though, needed to "breeze out mi head".

So I had plans to go to "Rebel Salute", a wick'd cultural Reggae show, on Saturday...everything fell in place because a bredren of mine also had convinced me to attend a"head stone laying ceremony/fete" for his father....country people have worked out a way to keep the death in the family thing going, and going and going, and feeding people along the way...Quite unnecessary in my estimation but people have their traditions, so I didn't argue.

This do was happening in Porus, which was all in the same line to Rebel Salute.....my added bonus was that I would have gotten to hail up my new "friend". I must admit that I have detected a little weirdness since our exploration of each other, but I am hoping he will get past it......he's one of those manly men, so I don't think it will be too difficult. Anyway, everything started going wrong when I called him and left a message that I was in Porus and he could give me a call......usually he comes up and we drink and chat bout this an' that.....he called back several hours later...what the..... So you know this girl vex.....I did a little phone sex thing with him and when he asked if I was coming his way after the do....I said noway....he got perturbed, I got further perturbed and it ended with my indication that clearly it wasn't worth it because he wasn't big enough to handle the just sex thing. One day my mouth and I will have to have a serious talk.

As is customary, when one thing goes wrong, everything else starts to go to shit. Boogie called, I didn't have the heart to tell him I was out of Kingston.....he had always accused me of having more than a friendship with my bredren so I decided it would be a secret....for the record, this guy is really just a bredren....too soft for me. I like my men cocky as hell and gentle in bed, he is gentle all around........ When, we spoke I could hear him trying to find the right words....there were several pauses in between, but I rewarded his effort with patience. He invited me to drinks......I didn't want to cloud the issues so I suggested a public place rather than my or his house. I gave my ticket to the show to my bredren, told him who he needed to hook up there and made my way back to KGN.

Of course I was late, I think I did the drive back in good time though, but then one had to choose an outfit which would'nt be overly sexy, cause we needed to talk..... I was also a little doubtful as to what I really wanted, so I took time to try to get some clarity. When I got to the location, I drove just in case it all went to shit...there is nothing worse than to be arguing and at the end of the night being stuck in his car going home.....He looked so good, he felt sooo goood when we hugged and kissed, his lips were sooo soft......anyway we talked and talked, and though I tried not to be the usual me...."vex nuh backside".....his thought process needed to be adjusted to see the reality of his actions, and I offered up clarity in generous doses......when I felt how vex I was getting, I told him I needed to leave......he eventually let me.

(Sigh).......I fell asleep this morning at about 3:00 a.m .........I want a world where I can get my way, just for a little bit.....is that too much to ask?

Whining

Its funny how shit happens when you least expect it.

Like missing:

• him so much every fibre of your being aches for him
• the way he kissed your forehead for no apparent reason
• the way he smiled at you
• his legs between yours when you slept
• that goodbye kiss in the morning....and my trying to inveigle him to trail his kisses lower
• the feel of his heartbeat under your head as you rest on his chest
• the way we talked in bed sometimes until the wee hours of the morning
• his arms around you
• at least 8 out of the 10 years of our love affair
• everything about him, even the bad stuff
• Oh yeah...and the exhausting, mind blowing, body pulsing, sweaty nasty, call me your bitch daddy sex

The Power of the Spoken Word

Let me start by saying that I am not angry....that was yesterday.

So I got a call from Boogie last night...he was forensic...he does that sometimes. What he really meant to ask was "how are you?" or "is everything good?". What came out was some childish question about some object he can't find and may have left at my house. Damn. What is wrong with men........were it another day, were it last year, were it a time that I felt i was wrong and was feeling up to playing this game I would have answered nicely and asked if that's all he wanted to say......we would have done that dance for another few minutes and he would have been in my bed and me an hour later. .....but I wasn't in that mood.

I was silent and when he pressed.....I told him he couldn't possibly be serious and hung up the phone. So I have made it worse.....I don't give a @$!k

Lessons Learnt

2007 has taught me that:

- I am not invincible
- I cannot hold a man with the punaney and it may not be as good as I thought
- I am a girlie girl despite best efforts
- I am not only possessive but I am obsessive as well
- There was a good reason why I had stopped writing before
- The pool of good fuckers out there is not as limited as I had thought
- Cuddling is bad
- I am stubborn.....I listen to no one, not even myself
- There is a reason why work relationships should not be entered into
- I need anger management therapy
- I need to work on my flaws
- I am warming...(ish) to the idea of marriage. At least now I can talk about it.
- Communication in any sphere of life is paramount
- Never judge a book by its cover