Surrendering to Logic

I am never sure when he calls if he really wants to speak to me or my boss...he has become quite skillful at eking out his desired outcome in a nondescript kinda way.....so I continue to be jealous but I've got it under some semblance of control.

Anyway, there's another conference on this week overseas...its been in my radar since late last year, but I decided not to make representation to attend......it would be dangerous, cause he would be in attendance, and I am too fragile right now.....my celibacy being in effect...damn its hard.

I wish I could tell him to come and give me a proper goodbye, but why stir up trouble and open old wounds which I know he has no inclination to mend......I will wish him a good trip via email and hope that's all I do.

Memories

I had never been very good at saying the words "I love you" and "I'm sorry".......the latter just because I never think I'm in the wrong and even if I am or was, what good does it do to admit to it......in the case of the former, men have taught me that saying these words opens the door to doom. Thankfully my men know that I don't do these words......its weird though, cause I like to hear the words "I love you".....I may not believe it, but sometimes its good to hear.

Boogie was the reason for me to take the decision to remain silent on my feelings.....I'm more of a 'action speaks louder than words' kinda girl......so with every pronouncement of love from him, I would brush my lips against his, or snuggle in for a hug, or kiss his forehead in response.......there are the times though when he tells me he needs to hear the words and I have grown proficient at recognising 'that look' so I oblige.......then there are the times when the love bubbles up and overflows in me and I whisper to him as he sleeps or surprise him at the most inopportune time.

Its not that I don't love him, its just that it hurts sometimes to admit to this stuff, cause you know it will ultimately cement in the silliness and men will take advantage...its a knee jerk response....if you can keep them guessing then they remain interested....they can only speculate, when you hold the words close to your chest and this protects you both, I think. I'm not quite sure why I started this post, all I know is.....I wish I could hear the words from him.

I wish we could play that game where I ask him if he loves me, and he says "yes", then I ask "how much?", and he opens his arms to the sides and says "this much", then I say "its not enough.....but I'll take it", we hug and he would amend his statement and say "with all my heart".........its funny the things you miss.

Immunity

Today is not so good........apart from the challenges associated with work and the current greening of the nation, I am saddened by my inability to make wiser choices.

I saw Boogie yesterday....turns out he really did leave that thing at my house......when I saw him pull up, my heart did somersaults in my chest. I have not yet felt the wonders that this New Year has brought and I hoped he would have been my saviour from the purgatory I'm in.......he wasn't.

But for a courteous "goodnight", we didn't speak......I can't believe he may just not love me anymore........the him I knew him to be would have had his way with me from the moment he came in the door, even ?against my will...... can a flame which burned so deeply and bright for sooo long be extinguished in the passage of 4ish weeks?

I guess.

Actions and Reactions 2

I am out of control I got pissed and sent the following to him.

In answer to your non-descript display, this is my display.

You didn't call back, but that did not prevent me from fucking you last night. I straddled you and slid my wet pussy down every inch of your cock marking each inch with a squeeze. I watched you watch me enjoy the moments when you searched and found that spot...you know, the one that causes an eruption. I wihispered vulgar nothings and encouraged you to slide your cock deeper and fuck me dry, disticntly asking that "yuh mash up a man pussy and send it home battered and bruised". You obliged.

Yeah, I fucked you and counted the cums.......4 to be exact......but more importantly you fucked me dipping and slipping in and out, slapping my ass and biting my shoulder...you fucked me and I was happy to be on all fours with you.

I hope you're in a meeting and can't stand up for another few minutes after reading this.

EMOTIONS

Some crap happened last week which ended with him asking why I was so angry in an email.....I gave a palatable answer, enough to convey that he was a part of the cause......what I wanted to say was........this should only concern him if the anger enhances the fucking experience, anything beyond that is not his problem, so he shouldn't ask me crap again. (sigh)

I still feel I should give him my true response...he pisses me off sooooo.
I've gotten one of those self help books in a bid to learn to manage my anger......a cursory read however has revealed to me that where he is concerned, I am hiding behind the anger emotion, cause its easier to admit to than the other emotions I am feeling which are totally wrong and should not be in the mix at all.