I suspect that my next couple of posts will be of the "love sick...er" variety, so if you've just eaten you may wish to choose some other form of entertainment.
I realised today that I have not had a decent hug since the beginning of the year. I've gotten a few, but none from the men I want...I guess. How do single people do this?....What's sweeter than having the person who you share an intimate relationship with hold you in is arms, cradle your head in his chest, squeeze you until you exhale......what's greater than that?
As I sit here sapped of energy, fighting like hell not to fall and make contact....again.....I realise that I'm always the one falling first, seems he should want me enough to fall too......of course this action is actually dependent on him caring and wanting to, and I should know by now that he doesn't care or want to.
With this settled I suspect I will have a few more posts like this, as I resolve to do everything in my power not to think about him.......not to think about; my new found freedom and the opprtunityI now have for guiltfree exploration of what the world has to offer; my DAMN celibacy ( a month and a week gone) and how much I feel like @!%&ing.
I'll send these thoughts to this blog and hope that it provides some relief through this heartfilled and impatient period.
I remember always, that "If a Man Wants a Woman, NOTHING can Keep Him Away".
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Angry Black Female in need
How many times can the heart break before it stops?
Letting go shouldn't be this hard.........why does he continue to break me?
Had I really had ENOUGH I wouldn't be thinking about making him moan and groan......But what am I holding on to anyway....a memory of his hands, his tongue, the feel of him?
How can a memory have me so sprung? At the very least I should be getting fucked regularly out of this arrangement.....other than sex we have nothing in common, so why then am I titillated at the thought of him?There is no future even if there is "something", so why is he so present in my mind? No good could come of it. He has accepted this fact, why can't I?....Why am I so consumed?
I wish to slap myself, if this could be my bridge away from the other side........................God, this rips into everthing in me, everything...................It shouldn't be this hard.......IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD TO DO.........
I just want to enjoy what he has to offer, where, when and how ever I wish. I couldn't care less that he's married.....I have nothing to do with her and she nothing to do with me..... he could use some of what I've taught him with her (spice shit up)....fuck it......I want to indulge in him like a full bodied red wine......I don't want him to be my 'breadwinner'....all I want is to fuck him until he becomes and groaner......that's all I want.....to fuck....simple really.
I do wish to respect what he wants, but I want what I want too.
(Grrrrrrr)
I'm not gonna do anything about what I'm feeling......I just wanted to articulate what I want as at this moment.
Letting go shouldn't be this hard.........why does he continue to break me?
Had I really had ENOUGH I wouldn't be thinking about making him moan and groan......But what am I holding on to anyway....a memory of his hands, his tongue, the feel of him?
How can a memory have me so sprung? At the very least I should be getting fucked regularly out of this arrangement.....other than sex we have nothing in common, so why then am I titillated at the thought of him?There is no future even if there is "something", so why is he so present in my mind? No good could come of it. He has accepted this fact, why can't I?....Why am I so consumed?
I wish to slap myself, if this could be my bridge away from the other side........................God, this rips into everthing in me, everything...................It shouldn't be this hard.......IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD TO DO.........
I just want to enjoy what he has to offer, where, when and how ever I wish. I couldn't care less that he's married.....I have nothing to do with her and she nothing to do with me..... he could use some of what I've taught him with her (spice shit up)....fuck it......I want to indulge in him like a full bodied red wine......I don't want him to be my 'breadwinner'....all I want is to fuck him until he becomes and groaner......that's all I want.....to fuck....simple really.
I do wish to respect what he wants, but I want what I want too.
(Grrrrrrr)
I'm not gonna do anything about what I'm feeling......I just wanted to articulate what I want as at this moment.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
The Cycle
"....Every Man Thinketh His Burden is the Heaviest..." - Bob Marley
Wonders abound, opportunities run rife but there is no fire to spur action to take advantage, take charge, grab hold of my pieces of this Life.
Confusion...
It should be easy to clutch at straws, place emphasis on day to day life......see the out provided....grow up, but....
Comfort comes in the written word but this area of rest you recognise, is detrimental to the process. The dust trail behind is littered with bits and pieces of former iterations of self, yet still there is no motivation. The problem to be solved is constant disappointment with the persistent deprivation of clarity, and this opens the mind to possibilities.
Misinterpretations...
Naturally ensue.....weaving sub realities which can be used to advantage. Self induced favourable perspectives stir action and the destruction of resolutions begins....erroneously.....temptation diminishes drive for victory in the war.......then practicality, lucidity, doing the right thing are overuled.
Situations...
Change and proximity, of necessity, is reduced to a room....claustrophobia sets in....stifled sentiment flows to the surface and essential error is in the offing.
Falling...
With blurred focus, harm is committed........momentary relief transforms quickly however into grief.......resolutions are effected again....eventually.
Patience.....
Pursued but Lost
Realisation...
It is an unacceptable situation....energy is retsored to fight.......hope for better is forever the goal......a better being to be......a stronger iteration of self is born.......sustaining this form is a requirement......until
Wonders abound, opportunities run rife but there is no fire to spur action to take advantage, take charge, grab hold of my pieces of this Life.
Confusion...
It should be easy to clutch at straws, place emphasis on day to day life......see the out provided....grow up, but....
Comfort comes in the written word but this area of rest you recognise, is detrimental to the process. The dust trail behind is littered with bits and pieces of former iterations of self, yet still there is no motivation. The problem to be solved is constant disappointment with the persistent deprivation of clarity, and this opens the mind to possibilities.
Misinterpretations...
Naturally ensue.....weaving sub realities which can be used to advantage. Self induced favourable perspectives stir action and the destruction of resolutions begins....erroneously.....temptation diminishes drive for victory in the war.......then practicality, lucidity, doing the right thing are overuled.
Situations...
Change and proximity, of necessity, is reduced to a room....claustrophobia sets in....stifled sentiment flows to the surface and essential error is in the offing.
Falling...
With blurred focus, harm is committed........momentary relief transforms quickly however into grief.......resolutions are effected again....eventually.
Patience.....
Pursued but Lost
Realisation...
It is an unacceptable situation....energy is retsored to fight.......hope for better is forever the goal......a better being to be......a stronger iteration of self is born.......sustaining this form is a requirement......until
Relationships 2
February 6, 2008
Relationships are Fuckery.
Every new player brings minimal adjustment to the game but ultimately it all comes down to the same thing...man and woman, confusion, too much feelings, irrationality, complication, sadness really. There are no guarantees, no scope for ordered buildout and before you know it, you need time to relinquish the hold.
Eventually though, you realise that time is like the proverbial "watched pot" ........if you wait around to see it pass, watching its every move, willing the sun to rise and set so that you can count days to redemption, it will never end.
We should always remember that time passes before we even think to question, without recognition. Time is a bashful companion which will unveil itself slowly....avert your eyes and let it be free so to do.
Relationships are Fuckery.
Every new player brings minimal adjustment to the game but ultimately it all comes down to the same thing...man and woman, confusion, too much feelings, irrationality, complication, sadness really. There are no guarantees, no scope for ordered buildout and before you know it, you need time to relinquish the hold.
Eventually though, you realise that time is like the proverbial "watched pot" ........if you wait around to see it pass, watching its every move, willing the sun to rise and set so that you can count days to redemption, it will never end.
We should always remember that time passes before we even think to question, without recognition. Time is a bashful companion which will unveil itself slowly....avert your eyes and let it be free so to do.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Enough
This, like everything else in life, will pass. All I have to do is let it. Enough time has passed, enough musing about him has occurred, Enough of him consuming my thoughts and invading my sleep, Enough, Enough , Enough.
I'm not angry.....I'm not chastising myself for feeling the way I do about him.....I'm simply accepting the fact that he got under my skin......and I am repentant for my sin. I'm tired.....I need rest. I have to take charge of me once more, cause no one else will. I must admit that I was never very good at multi-tasking and my life has suffered from this distraction. I admit too that he makes me cry and crying over a man is never good, but crying over a married man is even worse.
The sex was good and that marked my undoing, it was memorable and I liked it. No he wasn't the biggest I'd ever had or the thickest but there was just something about the full package of his love making. I liked the way he found the right balance between letting me have my way with him and reminding me that the only power I have is that which he gives me....when it was time to show who was in charge, he showed it.
I had always liked him, yes he's too cocky and yes he thinks he knows it all, but it was intriguing to watch him try to transform your point into his when he realised there might be something to it and worse if your solution was actually more workable than his....he's too good at twisting words for his own damn good.....Yes he annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but in bed he wasn't like that, he was just a man, weak to the touch of a woman and I liked his total surrender at times. Then again, I am foolish in this matter so maybe there really wasn't anything....maybe I just liked the idea of Him. But like I said, I had always liked him, from as far back as 2002 when a boss of mine told me he had enquired about me...not in a "look yuh" kinda way, but just that he wanted to know if I was still around. It struck a chord with me.
I'm slow so this revelation went in one ear and out the other, until one dayI got a call from him, uusual, it was 7ish at night......I was waiting for my little brother to finish class so that I could take him home.....I had time to kill so we spoke, mostly about work but it struck me as strange....but again, I am slow in these matters especially when one has to wade through so much to get at the truth......so it rolled out of my mind as soon as I'd hung up.
This didn't stop me from thinking that there might have been something there though, but I had to think about the fact that he was married and I must admit too that I had my hands full juggling two men at that time, adding another complication to the mix would've been too challenging for me. With that decided, I would return his flirting every so often but nothing too deep that I wouldn't be able to pretend it never happened or that it couldn't be interpreted in a logical sense, thereby ensuring my ass was covered if there really was nothing....afterall he really is annoying, too dogmatic, and I knew he would be quite a challenge to like in that way.
I remember calling him once when I was between the devil and the deep blue sea.....first love had just left the island for good and Boogie was trying with all his might to stay away from me, and I didn't want to break his stride. I was thankful that he didn't answer cause I wasn't quite sure what I would've said.....I relaise now that the Lord had been protecting me from then. I guess I just started believing what my colleagues then were telling me. They would ask if I was blind, to not see that he had a crush on me....I would laugh and explain it away with ditties like "he's just being courteous" or that he probably just saw me as a doe eyed fan of his brain.
It got to a ridiculous point where they would come back from meetings telling me how much he had enquired about me, I just figured they were making shit up or exaggerating the intensity of his enquiry. One issue really made me think though....myself and a colleague went to a Conference on the other side of the island and I don't travel well, so when we got in I was sicker than a mothereffer. I struggled through the sessions as best I could and had a rough night ending with me visiting the onsight hospital/medical centre for an injection. As part of the effect of this I had to sleep, so I misssed the better part of the morning sessions the next day. When I felt better, I went down to grab what I could of the afternoon sessions. My colleague informed that he had asked about me and remarked that he knew something was wrong with me from the moment I came in the door the first day.....this seemed a little more than a passing interest to me, but again I am slow in these matters. This story did the office rounds and I suffered much teasing thereafter. Eventually though it all passed, but not without my being the chosen one to deliver bad news or a differing view to him.....my colleagues thought I would fare better cause he wouldn't have the heart to shout at me....it worked in our favour for a while.
I guess I finally believed the hype last year and that was another error, so I am paying the price now.
Anyway, I am rambling.....As I said before, I always liked him....he probably just needs to loosen that tie a bit and accept the fact he has reached and be proud of his humble beginnings and where he is now, not because its fashionable, which is how it comes across, but just because he went through the struggle and is where he is now because he refused to stop pressing along, and he doesn't have to remind people that he has made it.......Anyway, I really like him, I just can't do this anymore....somethings in life are not meant to be and this seems to be one of them.
I'm not angry.....I'm not chastising myself for feeling the way I do about him.....I'm simply accepting the fact that he got under my skin......and I am repentant for my sin. I'm tired.....I need rest. I have to take charge of me once more, cause no one else will. I must admit that I was never very good at multi-tasking and my life has suffered from this distraction. I admit too that he makes me cry and crying over a man is never good, but crying over a married man is even worse.
The sex was good and that marked my undoing, it was memorable and I liked it. No he wasn't the biggest I'd ever had or the thickest but there was just something about the full package of his love making. I liked the way he found the right balance between letting me have my way with him and reminding me that the only power I have is that which he gives me....when it was time to show who was in charge, he showed it.
I had always liked him, yes he's too cocky and yes he thinks he knows it all, but it was intriguing to watch him try to transform your point into his when he realised there might be something to it and worse if your solution was actually more workable than his....he's too good at twisting words for his own damn good.....Yes he annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but in bed he wasn't like that, he was just a man, weak to the touch of a woman and I liked his total surrender at times. Then again, I am foolish in this matter so maybe there really wasn't anything....maybe I just liked the idea of Him. But like I said, I had always liked him, from as far back as 2002 when a boss of mine told me he had enquired about me...not in a "look yuh" kinda way, but just that he wanted to know if I was still around. It struck a chord with me.
I'm slow so this revelation went in one ear and out the other, until one dayI got a call from him, uusual, it was 7ish at night......I was waiting for my little brother to finish class so that I could take him home.....I had time to kill so we spoke, mostly about work but it struck me as strange....but again, I am slow in these matters especially when one has to wade through so much to get at the truth......so it rolled out of my mind as soon as I'd hung up.
This didn't stop me from thinking that there might have been something there though, but I had to think about the fact that he was married and I must admit too that I had my hands full juggling two men at that time, adding another complication to the mix would've been too challenging for me. With that decided, I would return his flirting every so often but nothing too deep that I wouldn't be able to pretend it never happened or that it couldn't be interpreted in a logical sense, thereby ensuring my ass was covered if there really was nothing....afterall he really is annoying, too dogmatic, and I knew he would be quite a challenge to like in that way.
I remember calling him once when I was between the devil and the deep blue sea.....first love had just left the island for good and Boogie was trying with all his might to stay away from me, and I didn't want to break his stride. I was thankful that he didn't answer cause I wasn't quite sure what I would've said.....I relaise now that the Lord had been protecting me from then. I guess I just started believing what my colleagues then were telling me. They would ask if I was blind, to not see that he had a crush on me....I would laugh and explain it away with ditties like "he's just being courteous" or that he probably just saw me as a doe eyed fan of his brain.
It got to a ridiculous point where they would come back from meetings telling me how much he had enquired about me, I just figured they were making shit up or exaggerating the intensity of his enquiry. One issue really made me think though....myself and a colleague went to a Conference on the other side of the island and I don't travel well, so when we got in I was sicker than a mothereffer. I struggled through the sessions as best I could and had a rough night ending with me visiting the onsight hospital/medical centre for an injection. As part of the effect of this I had to sleep, so I misssed the better part of the morning sessions the next day. When I felt better, I went down to grab what I could of the afternoon sessions. My colleague informed that he had asked about me and remarked that he knew something was wrong with me from the moment I came in the door the first day.....this seemed a little more than a passing interest to me, but again I am slow in these matters. This story did the office rounds and I suffered much teasing thereafter. Eventually though it all passed, but not without my being the chosen one to deliver bad news or a differing view to him.....my colleagues thought I would fare better cause he wouldn't have the heart to shout at me....it worked in our favour for a while.
I guess I finally believed the hype last year and that was another error, so I am paying the price now.
Anyway, I am rambling.....As I said before, I always liked him....he probably just needs to loosen that tie a bit and accept the fact he has reached and be proud of his humble beginnings and where he is now, not because its fashionable, which is how it comes across, but just because he went through the struggle and is where he is now because he refused to stop pressing along, and he doesn't have to remind people that he has made it.......Anyway, I really like him, I just can't do this anymore....somethings in life are not meant to be and this seems to be one of them.
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