Ramblings.....Again

I'm still celibate.....I don't like it but its necessary.

My not having sex has had good result........I think less or I am too exhausted to think, it has cleared a path for a real exercise programme to be establishe din my life......I get to contort myself into interesting positions which is a good replacement for the other positions to which I had become accustomed, with the added pleasure of no stress, no fight for possession, no convincing that this will be the last time, no hassle, of course no human contact either, which I really, really, really miss, I would love a fucking hug..... but sometimes the burn is almost orgasmic too so I guess its the closest thing to the real thing......

I have realised that there is no good place in this life for a feeling being......feeling people are three times beaten in this life.....one should therefore always strive to construct great walls around the heart, cause failure to do so will result in affection. This would not be problematic if the object of ones affection returned even an ounce.

I will blacklist feeling and feelings.

This culprit is responsibile for error thoughts, erroneous action and ultimately loss of ground in the battle. I did something silly, again....when will I learn...now I don't think I will make it to my target of two months, cause I feel like fucking my blues away.....I didn't want to start fucking again in this place that I am in, emotionally, how can I take revenge on myself with myself???? But that's what I feel like doing to find something to clutch at.....I know this will lead to a few meaningless sexual encounters and I am getting too damn old for that shit......that or I'll revert to previous comfortable ground.....and I don't want that either......I need to stop thinking.

The devil seems intent on tempting me through this 40 day and night period. I am a month and two weeks into my celibacy, my target being 2 months, but it is past being a bearable undertaking, so I am on the field in the evenings and on my bike in the mornings, just to burn off some of the excess energy. Its tough, its really tough........its hard to believe I went 19 years without yet now can bearly stand two days without.......one of those things in this life I guess.

Anyway, I've been bombarded from Thursday with ample opportunities to break my vow...... from Boogie to my nemesis and the distractions in between as well as first love...... all forces seem to be conspiring to fuck me. They say God doesn't give you more than you can bear, so I have concluded that he thinks I have very broad shoulders.

The nemesis interaction was particularly not so good....seems I have given up trying to hide my true "tell it like it is self"...... I got thrown into a meeting with him.......I tried to get out of it but I had to limit the intensity of my protest so that it would not raise too many questions, w spoke afterwards and I confessed that my anger is never directed at him, but really is about me and my inability to play this game a little better and for being affected by him. He gave the usual excuse for not making contact, having to work and being swamped managing situations and self....bullshit really. Anyway, that's part of this life too, he simply doesn't want to handle me, and this is cool....... I verbalised my request for "fuck off" to be said in order to provide me with closure and therefore stop me from making a bigger fool of myself.....I still can't believe I said it like that, but he was pissing with me again, so I surrendered to the anger. He refused to do as he was told, surprise , surprise. He is either extremely cruel, to continue to torture me with "possible interest", or too much of a control freak to bend to the will of a simple being such as myself. Thankfully though, I have not demeaned myself further by sending the usual silly texts and emails in hopes that there will be no period of deep regret having believed his lies again and eventually recognising my gullibility.

There is now nothing left to get out of my system. I finally have accepted the fact that what he wants is intermitent indulgence, and I guess that may be the best scenario for us given my inadequacies, but I don't want that. I want to be able to call him, within reason, at least some of the time, I want to know that if I were to call and say "I want you" that there will be a fire in him to ensure that my request is met within a day or two, I want to be able to get to know him, to chat with the real him, that's the one I like, I want to not be angry at the sight of his pleased reaction to a text or e-mail from another, I want him to think about my feelings when he engages in little tete a tete's with my boss, I simply want too much of him and its unfair and wrong......these things are not supposed to be this heavy, so I admit that I was wrong about this one, I was wrong to bring him into the turmoil that is me and I am sorry, and I wish one day that he could know that I was sorry for........this. Every relationship has one partner who is stronger, one partner to take the tough decisions, even if the decision ends up hurting the other party, immensely, and I wish to thank him for being that partner.

I will admit that it still hurts, but I get it now....I do..... and I will try with everything in me to do better now. Time will heal it all, all I have to do is not get caught in situations and discussions with him.......not now, not yet, not while he can still titillate me by just being in the room.

From the get go I think he was able to read me, that he was able to do that is somewhat stimulating for me. "I'm sweet" he says, once you get beyond the armour. Few men are able to stay in the game long enough to get beyond the armour, its sad that he has and now can use it against me.......not the most ideal thing for a work fling.....so now I have to think about how to ensure that he doesn't have too much opportunity to play with his new toy and in this quest maybe I can find a way to sleep the night before I have to go into a meeting with him, maybe I can find a way to forget the fool I was, maybe I could just forget that it all happened in the way it happened.

Overwhelmed

Cloud nine..........a myth, a subreality....one never really gets there, its an ideal, a place imbedded in our subconscious by nuturers, a pedestallike condition which one spends forever chasing.

Today is not good....I knew it wouldn't be.....I knew that from Januray 1........to complicate matters Boogie called to wish me well for the day.......this lovers day, he called to wish me well....how could I be well.

I tried the angry response thing in hopes that it would counteract the deep longing to relax in him inside me....he wasn't having it.......after my rant and asking why he would do something like this, today of all days, he said I didn't have to get upset, there was no ulterior motive, he just wanted to hear my voice on this day and let me know that he missed waking up with me today......that's all.......I broke.

I'll make a wish today and seal it with a kiss..........I wish I were stronger.

Heathen Back Deh

I was one of those persons who felt absolute anger when Kern cried in the House. I laughed at him cause"man fi tek dem comupance like man".....I get it now though........I want to tell the little green men and women 'bout dem bumboclaat but I can't cause I don't have a breadwinner right now so chances are I will need to work for a few years longer..............................................(Sigh)

Dem people yah a get to mi, dem grate every nerve mi have....mi need a work. Change seems to be an integral part of my life this year......I always knew I would need to own my own business cause me and authority jus' don't click.....it bad enough when is sensible authority, but when a fool fool people a try gwaan like dem can lead, it really, really hard to continue to be a part of the unstructured approach to organisation.......

Need a job change or a bath out a St. Thomas, maybe then I can cut off all a di crosses.......mi a draw fi a Sizzla CD, to be followed by Richie Spice as the I trod this difficult trod.

In the End

At the end of almost 11 years of togetherness you realise you cannot speak to each other......points are made with deep yelps from the core and words become weapons of mass destruction, aimed at destroying any remnant feeling......then time, time passes without contact as if you were never a part of each other's lives, as if you never cared.

The curtain comes down on us through strained conversation which is necessary to tie off loose ends, it is then that you finally hold some attention but the occasion is marred with contemplation of what not to say to set each other off, what not to do to unravel previous victorious ground gained........looking into each other's eyes or sharing an embrace is an absolute no no, not yet......definately not yet, cause you both are vulnerable.

How could two strangers emerge from such a long and deep love.....how could the 17 year separation in age not result in him being the mature one, the one to take the lead.....how could he not know that everything done was never about me, or the other people, but just him.

In the final analysis, when you see love all around, you conclude that he just didn't love you enough to be the man you needed him to be......the truth of this revelation echoes through you and infuses your soul....he just didn't love you enough.