Human Beings have a difficulty maintaining balance sometimes. We get consumed by what we have been fed is right and wrong, our good and bad experiences interject and the allure of the ego stroke we feel when we think we have offered up the "right" advice fills us up and brings with it an inescapable feeling that having done so absolves us from our own sins somehow, all are intergral pillars of the stance we take at times.
But having balance is much more than conceptualizing notions based on biased feeling toward presumed injured parties. Rightly or wrongly we can only be one person at a time so putting oneself in another's shoe, while a tempting easy way out, can never really bring good outcome....indeed we have to be who we are at all times and sometimes people get hurt along our journey to find ourselves.
I accept that I may have a little more work to do than others but I also accept that I can only do it my way.......I am reminded of Maya Angelu's poem "And Still I rise"....words of wisdom for everyone....even those whose two cents have been contributed here without the benefit of full details, without an understanding that the parts represented here could never be the whole.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
End of An Era
I didn't get the break I wanted from work but I will still try to deal with my reality issues even a little.
I'm still tired and getting tireda by the minute...suh it guh though.....I've got a lot to report but I can't find the words yet.......what I will say is that Boogie turned out to be unworthy of the pet name......he didn't believe in me enough....he didn't trust me to move beyond this distraction.......he didn't have enough faith in our love.....he doesn't love me anymore......its tough to think about, he made me into a woman...of sorts.....its hard to accept that he won't be a part of my life in that way anymore......we survived his wife and my first love, we survived more thin times than should have been permissible.....and now there's nothing.....how can there be nothing?
A part of me wants to run to him and ask the usual whys and hows and wrap myself in his arms as he breaks under the memories but pride is a bitch.....I know this is what I needed to have happen....it just hurts that's all.
I'm still tired and getting tireda by the minute...suh it guh though.....I've got a lot to report but I can't find the words yet.......what I will say is that Boogie turned out to be unworthy of the pet name......he didn't believe in me enough....he didn't trust me to move beyond this distraction.......he didn't have enough faith in our love.....he doesn't love me anymore......its tough to think about, he made me into a woman...of sorts.....its hard to accept that he won't be a part of my life in that way anymore......we survived his wife and my first love, we survived more thin times than should have been permissible.....and now there's nothing.....how can there be nothing?
A part of me wants to run to him and ask the usual whys and hows and wrap myself in his arms as he breaks under the memories but pride is a bitch.....I know this is what I needed to have happen....it just hurts that's all.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Situations
I haven't really written in a while....I guess I haven't had a really good reason to......anger clouds everything, so I thought I would get this out before someone, thing or my damn self, pisses me off again.
Today I didn't want to be at work....I wanted to go swim, eat fish an' bammy and wash it all down with a cold Red Stripe....maybe even light up a spliff (I know someone out there will see this as confirmation of the stereotype but fuck it and him). Yep, I figure in a world where the agriculture minister can extol the virtues of the marijuana trade then I must play my part in supporting the call.
I'm tired......its been a hectic week; had to uncover great strength in a few challenging situations and a lapse in concentration led to error deed....add to all this the pressures of work and too short deadlines and you get an unfortunate 104 hrs. I keep thinking that if I could just focus enough I should be able to deal with it all.....it doesn't quite work out that way though....it doesn't work out anyway near that.......I guess that's why I'm angry all the time now....before it would be the week before and during that time of the month, leaving me a full 2 weeks to be almost rational, but now its 7 days a week, week after week. I am tired of it so I realise now that I need to take a break........just to cool out and hopefully tackle some of my reality issues so that when I return week after next at least these matters wont rest on my mind too much.
I should have known it would have been an angry week cause Boogie dropped by unannounced on Sunday......its funny how men just assume that women sit by pining over them when a break up happens, and that they can just stop by cause she definitely wouldn't have someone else over.......don't mind too much though cause I know he's thinking that I'm fucking around and this proves my innocence, at least somewhat.
When he got to the gate he called, I saw his number so I didn't answer....have to keep my guard up.......but he got me on the house phone 10 mins later. I let him in and immediately went into the living room, didn't want to be anywhere near the bed........we still couldn't talk but he asked for a hug and I was more than happy to give in being careful not to rub my cheek too much against his beard or press my hips to closely against his crotch........things have really changed.....he always knew how to make my blood boil and I do wish in future to partake of his skill but not now.......when the dust of our now defunct life settles, not while I'm still in love with him. I hope we can get to a point where making love is the only love we share cause he always knew how to do me......as I watched him leave I could only think about how much this SUCKS.
The Nemesis situation continued to be a bad one this week...he is hell bent on my telling him two or three claaught 'bout calling my boss on my phone.........I am gonna articulate again my wish for him not to do that. ........it shows in more ways than one that he has no respect for me and what I say and desire, so I will risk the professional disgrace and tell him to stop in very certain terms......after all she has work numbers and a cell phone too, so there is no need to interrupt my day when he clearly didn't wish to speak to me........why tease me with possibilities of dialogue.......I want the matter settled.......further, I don't call any of his underlings when I don't get him on his number...I accept that he doesn't want to speak to me and leave shit alone.
I wish I were one of those persons who didn't have to resort to extremes to break habits but I really am not....cold turkey is the best way to give shit up and the pain of it all reminds you when you think about falling again...eventually it will get better....he served his purpose, I needed a hell of a distraction to break Boogie's hold and now I need a less heavy but somewhat intense distraction to distract me from him...simple really but he makes me fuck around trying to find it and I'm much better than that...seriously, I am......so I will continue to workout and work, and pray that these measures are sufficient.
All in all it was the week from hell but I survived and will continue so to do.
Today I didn't want to be at work....I wanted to go swim, eat fish an' bammy and wash it all down with a cold Red Stripe....maybe even light up a spliff (I know someone out there will see this as confirmation of the stereotype but fuck it and him). Yep, I figure in a world where the agriculture minister can extol the virtues of the marijuana trade then I must play my part in supporting the call.
I'm tired......its been a hectic week; had to uncover great strength in a few challenging situations and a lapse in concentration led to error deed....add to all this the pressures of work and too short deadlines and you get an unfortunate 104 hrs. I keep thinking that if I could just focus enough I should be able to deal with it all.....it doesn't quite work out that way though....it doesn't work out anyway near that.......I guess that's why I'm angry all the time now....before it would be the week before and during that time of the month, leaving me a full 2 weeks to be almost rational, but now its 7 days a week, week after week. I am tired of it so I realise now that I need to take a break........just to cool out and hopefully tackle some of my reality issues so that when I return week after next at least these matters wont rest on my mind too much.
I should have known it would have been an angry week cause Boogie dropped by unannounced on Sunday......its funny how men just assume that women sit by pining over them when a break up happens, and that they can just stop by cause she definitely wouldn't have someone else over.......don't mind too much though cause I know he's thinking that I'm fucking around and this proves my innocence, at least somewhat.
When he got to the gate he called, I saw his number so I didn't answer....have to keep my guard up.......but he got me on the house phone 10 mins later. I let him in and immediately went into the living room, didn't want to be anywhere near the bed........we still couldn't talk but he asked for a hug and I was more than happy to give in being careful not to rub my cheek too much against his beard or press my hips to closely against his crotch........things have really changed.....he always knew how to make my blood boil and I do wish in future to partake of his skill but not now.......when the dust of our now defunct life settles, not while I'm still in love with him. I hope we can get to a point where making love is the only love we share cause he always knew how to do me......as I watched him leave I could only think about how much this SUCKS.
The Nemesis situation continued to be a bad one this week...he is hell bent on my telling him two or three claaught 'bout calling my boss on my phone.........I am gonna articulate again my wish for him not to do that. ........it shows in more ways than one that he has no respect for me and what I say and desire, so I will risk the professional disgrace and tell him to stop in very certain terms......after all she has work numbers and a cell phone too, so there is no need to interrupt my day when he clearly didn't wish to speak to me........why tease me with possibilities of dialogue.......I want the matter settled.......further, I don't call any of his underlings when I don't get him on his number...I accept that he doesn't want to speak to me and leave shit alone.
I wish I were one of those persons who didn't have to resort to extremes to break habits but I really am not....cold turkey is the best way to give shit up and the pain of it all reminds you when you think about falling again...eventually it will get better....he served his purpose, I needed a hell of a distraction to break Boogie's hold and now I need a less heavy but somewhat intense distraction to distract me from him...simple really but he makes me fuck around trying to find it and I'm much better than that...seriously, I am......so I will continue to workout and work, and pray that these measures are sufficient.
All in all it was the week from hell but I survived and will continue so to do.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Beautiful Things
- Waking up to birds outside your window after leaving work at 1 a.m. and getting to sleep at 3 a.m.
- The lunar eclipse the other day
- Coworkers who provide hugs upon request without questioning why its needed
- The first time your lips kiss a new distraction
- Recognising that if you can't get what you want, then get what you can get until it doesn't hurt anymore
- That first thrust which opens the passage after months of closure and the aaahhh feeling afterwards
- Lying about the skill to encourage performance
- The day aaahhhfter
- The lunar eclipse the other day
- Coworkers who provide hugs upon request without questioning why its needed
- The first time your lips kiss a new distraction
- Recognising that if you can't get what you want, then get what you can get until it doesn't hurt anymore
- That first thrust which opens the passage after months of closure and the aaahhh feeling afterwards
- Lying about the skill to encourage performance
- The day aaahhhfter
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Again .......ENOUGH
Who does this twice in a lifetime??????? Nobody........It seems my results in this matter will not be similar to that of 8 years prior and I will not get the prize.
Today has confirmed in my mind what he wants......he wants to play......he has played me.......clarity is provided yet again and I will go gently into the wind as always, as if there was never anything, as if he was never anything to me........he likes the attention....who wouldn't......he likes the thought of fucking with me, he has recognised that I am better played with than taken seriously, so he continues to double dip in hopes that the real object of his desire will acknowledge his advances, his proposals....he is a Jamaican man and one can never truly fetter a J'can man.
I will not pray for strength to restrain myself in this time of......, I will not hope for a better him or me to be......I will not try to not be affected by this development.........I will simply accept life and its harsh realities.
Today has confirmed in my mind what he wants......he wants to play......he has played me.......clarity is provided yet again and I will go gently into the wind as always, as if there was never anything, as if he was never anything to me........he likes the attention....who wouldn't......he likes the thought of fucking with me, he has recognised that I am better played with than taken seriously, so he continues to double dip in hopes that the real object of his desire will acknowledge his advances, his proposals....he is a Jamaican man and one can never truly fetter a J'can man.
I will not pray for strength to restrain myself in this time of......, I will not hope for a better him or me to be......I will not try to not be affected by this development.........I will simply accept life and its harsh realities.
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