Control???

I was a bitch today... a good bitch though......it felt great.

In a nutshell, I was in a meeting for the entire day....I had become dissatisfied with the usual approach to these meetings and I eventually made my thoughts known to the chairmen. I could've and probably should've backed down but I am stubborn and I can't stand to see seeming injustice go unchallenged so I committed an error and I must say that I'm not too cut up about the whole thing. At the end I bowed to one chair and thanked the other for the opportunity to share my opinion so candidly.......I'm working on holding these emotions inside, and I did for the other two sessions past but enough was enough. I will work some more on it.

Transforming Crappy into Good Vibes

It was a tough rainy weekend but I survived, just barely, without stupid incident.

When the pressure got too much to bear I yielded to temptation the best way I knew how.....I called Mr. ATL and requested that he walk me through to release....he did...it was sweet. Got to love a guy who can react well under pressure.....he pulled off the road and delivered well.

We haven't spoken since I handed over the goods for my brother....an encounter which was.... interesting....he has a nice habit of lifting me up, and I can picture my legs wrapped around his waist as we bounce from pillow to post....that aside though we agreed then that his brand of fucking around was a little too mature for me....which it really is...he and his wife have an arrangement, he gets to do whatever he wants and so does she....they discuss the encounters at times and sometimes even engage in threesomes.....WOW there's nothing like a developed country perspective. he has offered to make real any fantasy I have....WOW.

I must admit that the offer has been titillating my mind...among other things. I have always wanted a two men and me scenario....hmmmm. I have had Jamaican men claim that they will do it until its crunch time then the matter is quickly shelved. Now, I could have my cake and watch both of them eat it....how cool would that be....

On the other hand, I'm a power junkie and there's nothing nicer than watching a woman's husband/man squirm under you....what can I say it gives me a thrill. I wouldn't get that from this game...as a matter of fact there's not much of a game to it....what's my motivation then, prospects of a threesome? Is that enough? Its not like I'm connected right now and in any event I am capable of juggling a stable relationship with my wild side escapades....Is this what I want at this age though...or can I take a break from growing up and play a little? I will think some more on it.

I should thank the Player one of these days...his lesson in PATIENCE has proven to be useful in these matters....one of these days I will pull him aside and whisper thank you. For now though, I will put into practice the lesson learnt and let Mr. ATL sweat it out a bit.

(Sigh)......so much to think about I will need a vacation soon.

Lapse in Resolve

Was having one of those 'not so nice days' yesterday so I wrote this crap.......

How can a lover live without love......not easily.

I am empty....the territory I am in is proving difficult to manipulate self through....not having a hug on demand, sleeping alone every night without the benefit of a man's arms wrapped around your body..feeling his breath on your neck, breathing in his masculinity, watching him sleep with his hands shielding that all precious package, feeling him on top of you...feeling all his glory.....feeling time almost stand still in the moment of your bliss.....hearing his heart beat in his chest.....not being fulfilled.

Its quite an adjustment.

It may be crappy but I still miss the feel of a man.

The Things We Do

I should know by now that the best laid plans are usually the ones that don't work out the way you expected....but mi head tough. I agreed to dinner and hanging out with Mr. ATL on Saturday night...I know me, and I was beginning to know him a little so I organised appropriate protection for the evening. After a slow and late start we were off to sit on the Veranda ( pausing here just to comment that it was my first time at Verandas and it was as I had expected...too bougie. An onslaught of pretentious people, girls out with their grandfathers and in general just a sad thing to watch) usually I don't go to those places, partly because of comfort, and secondly, as happened on Saturday, too many work connected people. I like places where I can be good or bad and not have to fret about stories which may make its way back to the Office or the Office circles....that's why I don't do the VIP section of events. If I go out to have fun, then I will have fun and it sometimes isn't so nice, so I blend into the crowd and find adequate cover for my bad deeds.

I digressed, as I nodded to an old boss and a current colleague, I knew my time there would have been short. We talked, we laughed, we had good clean fun.....until I scanned the venue and saw that the work connections had left.....then it got interesting. Unfortunately, I have never been the type to hold in a compliment so I told Mr. ATL that he was a sexy motha f...er. He was. He had on one of those shirts...you know, the type that accentuates all he muscles but is not tight.....he was teasing me the entire night, so I finally whispered in his ear that were it not for the bredren thing, we could see if we moved as well in bed as we did on the dance floor.....he laughed until he saw that I was serious. That was my first mistake. He completely threw out the bredren thing after that and told me not to for a minute think that he wouldn't seize any opportunity he got to make and watch my body move (is he for real?....damn...pleasing, very pleasing).

We chatted some more until my girlfriend yielded to her grandpa's wish to leave.....we parted ways in the car park as the sky opened up and my next mistake was inevitable I guess, given my weakness in the rain. We had some fun in the car park, on the car, and really messed around in the car. No penetration, just messing around. It was great. That's why I like 40 year old men, they know how to restrain themselves amidst a world of temptation. He was a gentleman when I said stop, though my panty was soaked and he had tasted the sweet and the windows were foggy, he stopped...shakily, but he stopped. He left with a warning though, that the next time we should stay within the boundaries cause he couldn't guarantee me gentlemanly conduct....It was a fair point so I decided not to see him again until its time to hand over the stuff for my brother.

To be honest, I can't even remember what our previous session was like....I was too caught up I think....but this has left some memories and I feel like I should remind myself about the offering and deal with the consequences afterwards....we could just have a vacation thing. How do we do that when he has displayed a propensity to be clingy? He won't go away softly in the night, I think ( cause you never know with men, they are tricky) then how would I deal with the family link....FRIG IT.....I will let it flow.

Just to say too that as is customary with me, when it rains, it pours. My " bredren, now friend" came into Kgn on Saturday and tried to hook me up. I ended up doing an early link with him (purely platonic) and the night link with Mr. ATL.....I couldn't help thinking that I was finally back to my old self....not that its a good self, but at least its not pining, snivelling, overly emotional and brokenhearted....it feels good, but I know its wrong.

When I woke up on Sunday, I thought about going to the beach and having some fish and bammy for breakfast.....I thought my bredren/friend would be the ideal person to take along, so I called to make the plans......he was weird. We launched into why he was giving me attitude and why he thought Kgn/St. Catherine beaches were not safe....crap really....what's up with him? I was warned not to mess up the bredren thing, but like a fool I let my lower half think through the matter rather than my head.....now it seems I don't even have a friend in him anymore. I mean we used to talk about every and anything.....he would sometimes call and I would let him listen to my sessions or worse just tell him that I'm about to or am being "titillated" at the time so I would have to call him back....there was no attitude then, we would just link up another time....he says we are bredrens so why not act the part.....it is becoming too complicated. I can't believe I'll have to find another bredren....that's unfair, we are adults, he has not indicated that he wants something more than what we have so why get snippy with me when you learn that I have a date after you?

Despite my rant above, I decided not to let him dictate the relationship so I called him yesterday in the midst of the rain and told him I would swing by.......of course my swing by ended up being at 11:00 p.m. We talked about mundane stuff and eventually launched into a nice love making session......country men are interesting, they have so many hang ups and I am the right person to break them out of that crap.....I laid him down and told him to allow himself to relax under my fingertips, tongue and body.....he did eventually but thought he needed to give me pleasure.....I assured him that he didn't and I spent a few hours making love to him (again no penetration) and I think he was satisfied. I left him in bed alseep at 4:00 a.m. I think we are good...ish now.

The only problem with an active lifestyle is that you need time for rest...I'm tired, so I am committed to getting some rest over the next two days.

Taking Stock

They say time alone will tell you what you need to know, so relax and let time pass and all things will be revealed.

I must admit to being in a bad place right now...I was locked in a 2 day Retreat last week and didn't cope too well, I thought, with the Player/Boss situation. I know we have moved on but its still a little disconcerting to watch.....eventually I said "frig it" and I think it went well after that. It made me wonder though about the first time I will see Boogie and his new love. If the Player thing hurts then the Boogie thing will break me in two and I'm not sure "frig it" will be a sufficient fix. I know I will deal like a petulant child initially but eventually I will accept the reality I only pray it will be with minimal destructive actions on my part. I hate to lose....even what I don't want.
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On another note, Mr ATL is here and we had some fun on Tuesday night, in fact I think my stale half drunken state may have contributed to my negative reaction to the "player/boss" scenario at the Retreat. Our hook up was good.....I took along a friend and she took along a friend and he called in another friend so I was protected, I thought, from any foolishness that may have crossed his or my mind (given my hard-up state right now). When we spoke in the early evening I tried to nip his sweet talk in the bud before he started to develop ideas about who he could do on his vacation. I was truthful, I told him that as my Bredda's friend he automatically would be my bredren..... and bredrens don't fuck.

He was slick though, he agreed whole heatedly and when we met up for drinks it flowed well until that 4th bottle of beer and my unchained admiration of his muscular body took over....his muscles were even bigger now...hmmm, yummy. I found myself in conversation rubbing his wash board stomach, and stroking those strong thighs....eventually he asked me to dance and that was the beginning of the mistake. Two more drinks later, his tongue was in my mouth and we were almost joined at the pelvis......dancing is cool. Thankfully, there's only so much you can do with no condom, a conscience and your clothes on. It was nice though.....it felt good being held and caressed....he leaves on Friday so it should be fine, his calls and messages are becoming just a little annoying though (this after I told him on the night I would be in whole day sessions over the following 2 days) he needs to stop that. Anyway, I will have to see him before he leaves so that I can pass on some goodies fi mi Bredda.....I hope that the exchange will be incident free.