I got to bed at 3:30 this morning......It was difficult to sleep amidst the running video of our session stuck on repeat in my mind.....and I thought about how different our perspectives can be as people.
For me It was good, it was a beginning, he wanted me enough to spend the night, he was comfortable with me, he made me laugh, he allowed himself to feel good in my arms....he tried to speak to me as much as he could while we waited to board the plane, he kept annoying me by breaking my stride of not acknowledging him when we had made it back to the Rock....we had light dialogue as we waited to be deemed returned to the island by our wonderful men and women of the immigration department.....It was good.
I cant help thinking though that his perspective must be different. We have not spoken since the airport.....I hate to be the bitch who thinks that one night of fucking means that things have changed, and I know that what he is doing is probably the most logical and safest thing, but........I wish he would call to say hey...that's all...just a simple hey.
I don't want to be the always angry lady anymore, its weak, so I will try to deal as best I can on my own.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Guiltiness......Resting On My Conscience
I am dealing with a lot of guilt....that's why I don't mess with married men...its hard...too hard to deal. As if I needed something else to complicate this confused and rambling existence.
I got what I wanted......I laid him down, I bumped and ground to the point of exhaustion, but still I was not satisfied. What are the wages of sin?.......
After our session, I found myself awake in the night cuddling and watching this man sleep.......I have never liked a sleeping man, seems he should be doing something more constructive, like me......anyway he did admit to feeling ill.
As I drifted off to sleep, his phone rang, I assumed it was wifey or a more established other. I was perturbed......did I mention that I am as jealous as they come?..... Well I am, but I held my tongue.
In the morning, as I shuffled and shivered from a night too cold....I found excuses when he asked why I didn't like to be held when I slept. I remember thinking that he was too keen, but I felt him chase me down on the bed throughout the night. The real cause being my inability to compartmentalize, jealousy and sexual frustration as well as an overburdened conscience.....I needed to repent......It was too much.
Usually I am pretty good with forgetting a face, a name, a dick, at least for a bit.....this time though I was having difficulty...he knew me so much he asked if he could stay for a bit......I am accustomed to looking at the clock and in essence encouraging men to leave my bed, especially if the job was not done well......but I laughed and told him he could stay as long as he liked. I was torn though, as I thought of Boogie laying at home.....hopefully alone......who in the day had expressed his deep wish for me to come home to warm his bed and kiss his forehead. As I kissed another and held him close, the betrayal of Boogie rambled in my mind.
Forgive me father for I have sinned. Its been too long that I have jaunted in this unholy meadow. So many people to be affected, so many axes to grind......I wish I could deal better cause now I feel like shit, and it must end.
I got what I wanted, I needed the time. He was too open with his seeming affection, which almost made me believe the concept of there being more....more to explore, more to hate, more to frig with, more to connect with. He was too much more for me. Did he hit the spot? Briefly, but not sufficient for an explosion. I will go with the flow and hope that he didn't feel all of me, and await the day when I feel him flowing out of my system, out of me...the day when I am rescued from this obsession.
I have decided to leave the memories behind, some 37 or 8 thousand miles across the sea. I will leave it all; the connection he was; the trepidation I feel. He was too much, not the fucking.....I was undone by the infernal cuddling.....it was too much to ask of a girl who, prior to now, had always ensured that moments like that were only shared with Boogie. I was undone by his statement of my unlocking all the love I have in me......I wanted to tell him that I had and it was all Boogie's and that now I will be left to think about my cheating ways and how to face my Boogie with this scar on the fabric of my conscience, on my soul....how would I face Boogie with the knowledge that he moved me, something I cannot define in him, moved me.
I got what I wanted......I laid him down, I bumped and ground to the point of exhaustion, but still I was not satisfied. What are the wages of sin?.......
After our session, I found myself awake in the night cuddling and watching this man sleep.......I have never liked a sleeping man, seems he should be doing something more constructive, like me......anyway he did admit to feeling ill.
As I drifted off to sleep, his phone rang, I assumed it was wifey or a more established other. I was perturbed......did I mention that I am as jealous as they come?..... Well I am, but I held my tongue.
In the morning, as I shuffled and shivered from a night too cold....I found excuses when he asked why I didn't like to be held when I slept. I remember thinking that he was too keen, but I felt him chase me down on the bed throughout the night. The real cause being my inability to compartmentalize, jealousy and sexual frustration as well as an overburdened conscience.....I needed to repent......It was too much.
Usually I am pretty good with forgetting a face, a name, a dick, at least for a bit.....this time though I was having difficulty...he knew me so much he asked if he could stay for a bit......I am accustomed to looking at the clock and in essence encouraging men to leave my bed, especially if the job was not done well......but I laughed and told him he could stay as long as he liked. I was torn though, as I thought of Boogie laying at home.....hopefully alone......who in the day had expressed his deep wish for me to come home to warm his bed and kiss his forehead. As I kissed another and held him close, the betrayal of Boogie rambled in my mind.
Forgive me father for I have sinned. Its been too long that I have jaunted in this unholy meadow. So many people to be affected, so many axes to grind......I wish I could deal better cause now I feel like shit, and it must end.
I got what I wanted, I needed the time. He was too open with his seeming affection, which almost made me believe the concept of there being more....more to explore, more to hate, more to frig with, more to connect with. He was too much more for me. Did he hit the spot? Briefly, but not sufficient for an explosion. I will go with the flow and hope that he didn't feel all of me, and await the day when I feel him flowing out of my system, out of me...the day when I am rescued from this obsession.
I have decided to leave the memories behind, some 37 or 8 thousand miles across the sea. I will leave it all; the connection he was; the trepidation I feel. He was too much, not the fucking.....I was undone by the infernal cuddling.....it was too much to ask of a girl who, prior to now, had always ensured that moments like that were only shared with Boogie. I was undone by his statement of my unlocking all the love I have in me......I wanted to tell him that I had and it was all Boogie's and that now I will be left to think about my cheating ways and how to face my Boogie with this scar on the fabric of my conscience, on my soul....how would I face Boogie with the knowledge that he moved me, something I cannot define in him, moved me.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
How it Happened
On Monday I made myself as pretty as I could with the weather drying out my skin , my hair, and many other parts.....it was colder than a mothereffer.
As I sat in the conference room hoping that it was sufficiently large to make me invisible I could only think of what I would say if or when he greeted me......I positioned myself so that he would not see me as he entered the room......wouldn't you know it, there was another door which would have him pass right by my row..damn. We did the usual nod and smile thing and I felt relieved.
I had hooked up a dear friend for lunch and couldn't wait to be picked up, all I had to do was survive the morning sessions and the coffee break. I wrote notes like nobodies business until we broke for coffee (or tea would be more apt). Sure enough, he had to pass by to say a more fulsome Hi.
With a kiss on my hand he asked where I was staying....I told him I had no intention of finding out whether "he danced as well abroad as he did a yard". I told him I had gotten in from Saturday and listened as he chastised me for not making contact from then. I couldn't give up the opportunity to underscore a few things so I told him I was unsure of which 'him' I would have met and thought better of embarrassing myself further in this matter. I also indicated that I was uncertain whether the news of my arrival would have been useful to him having regard to him having chosen to advise my boss, only, of his own departure.....seems the wrong Officer may have attended the conference. This drew laughter and my ire but I was too cold to offer a witty response. His posture was one of knowledge, you know...like when some knows that something is gonna happen, and refuses to clue you in. He asked about whether I would attend the dinner organised for us later that evening....of course, my answer was no. He whispered goodbye with mirth dripping from his mouth.....Damn, he knew I was weak.
As I wrapped up dinner and chat with some friends and had walked the last one out to catch her train, I decided to take a walk myself. Within minutes I was cold and lost....how come so soon you may be asking....my sense of direction is shit.....I applied what logic I had that was not totally frozen and questioned 3 strangers and was able to find the street that my Hotel was on. I went into my room and settled myself for a long night, the time differential always messes with my sleep....so I did some work I had taken along with me.
As I worked I thought about why I was denying myself the opportunity to share a bed with him, if only briefly.....I couldn't come up with a convincing argument not to so I researched his Hotel name and number and called just in time to catch him at the front desk, just coming in from the dinner......DAMN. We made the plans and an hour later I was awakened by a call from the lobby....I told him to come up.
My heart pounded with all the reasons I should not go through with it, and as I heard the doorbell ring I realised it may be too late to turn back. I tried to grab clothes from my suitcase so that my teddy top and panty clad body didn't convey over willingness. I gave up when the case hit my toe and all I wanted to do was scream......I let him in being careful to hide behind the door as I explained that I tried to make myself more presentable. The sight of him though, and the lurch between my legs told me that more clothes would have meant more stuff to take off and therefore delays to the inevitable. I was still cold though so I hopped, skipped and jumped into the bed to find that nook I had snuggled into as I waited on him to titivate. I thought about pouncing on him like a panther but I was aware of the sweet smell of body lotion and perfume that could have gotten rubbed off on his clothes and the possible problems he could have with wifey when she unpacked his things, so I relaxed under the covers and watched him undress, as I played R Kelly's "Wine for me" in my head.....he seemed overly comfortable around me.
He slid into bed with a warning that he was feeling quite unwell and were it not for me he would have opted to stay in. Again I fought back the fire and told him I was happy that he feared my wrath. I made up my mind though, well, almost, that I wouldn't bother him for sex, though I must admit that the sight of his hard on made it difficult to stay that course....that is such a turn on for me.
Anyway he started snuggling in on me and I started exploring the playground his body was with my fingertips and tongue......after a while, and noting that my underwear was wet from anticipation, I straddled him and asked whether he could manage a session. He agreed through clenched teeth as I nibbled at his nipples. He is good with his hands and when I protested at being teased for too long, and expressed a wish to be fucked right now, he slid on his condom and proceeded to make his dick find its way....sweet. The chemistry could have been better but it was good, he rode, I rode and rode, and rode and eventually he assisted me in making him cum....DAMN...if I can't make him cum on my own what use is this.
Sleeping with him was interesting...he cuddles too much...but he was sooo warm literally, that I snuggled up when I could and he did not disappoint with the stroking of my back and arm before he asked that I hug him from behind....I was out of sorts but I did it anyway cause, you know how men are when they are sick.....it back to the foetal position and the need for mummy's soothing attention.
As I sat in the conference room hoping that it was sufficiently large to make me invisible I could only think of what I would say if or when he greeted me......I positioned myself so that he would not see me as he entered the room......wouldn't you know it, there was another door which would have him pass right by my row..damn. We did the usual nod and smile thing and I felt relieved.
I had hooked up a dear friend for lunch and couldn't wait to be picked up, all I had to do was survive the morning sessions and the coffee break. I wrote notes like nobodies business until we broke for coffee (or tea would be more apt). Sure enough, he had to pass by to say a more fulsome Hi.
With a kiss on my hand he asked where I was staying....I told him I had no intention of finding out whether "he danced as well abroad as he did a yard". I told him I had gotten in from Saturday and listened as he chastised me for not making contact from then. I couldn't give up the opportunity to underscore a few things so I told him I was unsure of which 'him' I would have met and thought better of embarrassing myself further in this matter. I also indicated that I was uncertain whether the news of my arrival would have been useful to him having regard to him having chosen to advise my boss, only, of his own departure.....seems the wrong Officer may have attended the conference. This drew laughter and my ire but I was too cold to offer a witty response. His posture was one of knowledge, you know...like when some knows that something is gonna happen, and refuses to clue you in. He asked about whether I would attend the dinner organised for us later that evening....of course, my answer was no. He whispered goodbye with mirth dripping from his mouth.....Damn, he knew I was weak.
As I wrapped up dinner and chat with some friends and had walked the last one out to catch her train, I decided to take a walk myself. Within minutes I was cold and lost....how come so soon you may be asking....my sense of direction is shit.....I applied what logic I had that was not totally frozen and questioned 3 strangers and was able to find the street that my Hotel was on. I went into my room and settled myself for a long night, the time differential always messes with my sleep....so I did some work I had taken along with me.
As I worked I thought about why I was denying myself the opportunity to share a bed with him, if only briefly.....I couldn't come up with a convincing argument not to so I researched his Hotel name and number and called just in time to catch him at the front desk, just coming in from the dinner......DAMN. We made the plans and an hour later I was awakened by a call from the lobby....I told him to come up.
My heart pounded with all the reasons I should not go through with it, and as I heard the doorbell ring I realised it may be too late to turn back. I tried to grab clothes from my suitcase so that my teddy top and panty clad body didn't convey over willingness. I gave up when the case hit my toe and all I wanted to do was scream......I let him in being careful to hide behind the door as I explained that I tried to make myself more presentable. The sight of him though, and the lurch between my legs told me that more clothes would have meant more stuff to take off and therefore delays to the inevitable. I was still cold though so I hopped, skipped and jumped into the bed to find that nook I had snuggled into as I waited on him to titivate. I thought about pouncing on him like a panther but I was aware of the sweet smell of body lotion and perfume that could have gotten rubbed off on his clothes and the possible problems he could have with wifey when she unpacked his things, so I relaxed under the covers and watched him undress, as I played R Kelly's "Wine for me" in my head.....he seemed overly comfortable around me.
He slid into bed with a warning that he was feeling quite unwell and were it not for me he would have opted to stay in. Again I fought back the fire and told him I was happy that he feared my wrath. I made up my mind though, well, almost, that I wouldn't bother him for sex, though I must admit that the sight of his hard on made it difficult to stay that course....that is such a turn on for me.
Anyway he started snuggling in on me and I started exploring the playground his body was with my fingertips and tongue......after a while, and noting that my underwear was wet from anticipation, I straddled him and asked whether he could manage a session. He agreed through clenched teeth as I nibbled at his nipples. He is good with his hands and when I protested at being teased for too long, and expressed a wish to be fucked right now, he slid on his condom and proceeded to make his dick find its way....sweet. The chemistry could have been better but it was good, he rode, I rode and rode, and rode and eventually he assisted me in making him cum....DAMN...if I can't make him cum on my own what use is this.
Sleeping with him was interesting...he cuddles too much...but he was sooo warm literally, that I snuggled up when I could and he did not disappoint with the stroking of my back and arm before he asked that I hug him from behind....I was out of sorts but I did it anyway cause, you know how men are when they are sick.....it back to the foetal position and the need for mummy's soothing attention.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Waiting to Exhale
I am back. It was good too...learnt a lot, on both a professional and personal level.
I got in on Saturday and I made my calls and planned my night...jet lag and the weather had a different plan though. I found myself inclined to revel in the one warm spot I had carved out under the comforter, duvey, sheet, with pillow surrounding me, while I prayed for the thermostat to be true to my setting of 32 degrees....it wasn't. Out of sheer exhaustion though, I slept. I rescheduled my revenge on the world for Sunday.....I won't lie, he was on my mind as I made the call.
I was to have met 2 other persons that day, so I felt safe that I wouldn't do anything foolish until it was time for my partner in sin to join me. As I stepped out in weather that should be classified as illegal, I realised that I had made a biiiig mistake with my packing.......I had been overcome with a feeling of being "girly" so I figured the weather couldn't be too unbearable for my open toed shoes, skirts and dresses, after all it was only October....I was wrong.
As I wrapped up my lunch Lyme, I got a message from my girlfriend cancelling our hook up....Damn. I went back to my crappy, cold room....complained again to the front desk about that and was getting pissed. I decided to make myself pretty for my affair, but he crept into my thoughts as I performed my rituals....Damn. As I opened the door to my other him, I had lost the vibe. He was always intuitive and immediately asked what was wrong...... we talked for a bit shared a glass of wine but eventually made plans for another day.......I think we both knew that that day would never come though....Damn, I can't even be bad anymore.
As I swigged beer from a can from the mini bar after I had kissed him goodbye, I thought about him......how close he may be, who I would be on Monday when I saw him, that he hadn't even called to see if I had made it, that I wanted him despite that.....that I wanted him to abandon himself in my arms...in me.......that I needed to learn to be more patient......that I needed a live blanket in this weather...that I wanted to feel him trail kisses from my lips, down to my neck, over my breasts, tugging and sucking until the warmth of his mouth sends an electric pulse through my spine to my core, warming me....that I needed to bask in the glory of his love making, that I wanted to be lost in him.
My imagination deserted me in protest at the overuse, and refused to spring to action sufficient for me to help myself to minimal relief. I wished he were nearer to being conquered but I knew I had to be patient and ramble no more.
I got in on Saturday and I made my calls and planned my night...jet lag and the weather had a different plan though. I found myself inclined to revel in the one warm spot I had carved out under the comforter, duvey, sheet, with pillow surrounding me, while I prayed for the thermostat to be true to my setting of 32 degrees....it wasn't. Out of sheer exhaustion though, I slept. I rescheduled my revenge on the world for Sunday.....I won't lie, he was on my mind as I made the call.
I was to have met 2 other persons that day, so I felt safe that I wouldn't do anything foolish until it was time for my partner in sin to join me. As I stepped out in weather that should be classified as illegal, I realised that I had made a biiiig mistake with my packing.......I had been overcome with a feeling of being "girly" so I figured the weather couldn't be too unbearable for my open toed shoes, skirts and dresses, after all it was only October....I was wrong.
As I wrapped up my lunch Lyme, I got a message from my girlfriend cancelling our hook up....Damn. I went back to my crappy, cold room....complained again to the front desk about that and was getting pissed. I decided to make myself pretty for my affair, but he crept into my thoughts as I performed my rituals....Damn. As I opened the door to my other him, I had lost the vibe. He was always intuitive and immediately asked what was wrong...... we talked for a bit shared a glass of wine but eventually made plans for another day.......I think we both knew that that day would never come though....Damn, I can't even be bad anymore.
As I swigged beer from a can from the mini bar after I had kissed him goodbye, I thought about him......how close he may be, who I would be on Monday when I saw him, that he hadn't even called to see if I had made it, that I wanted him despite that.....that I wanted him to abandon himself in my arms...in me.......that I needed to learn to be more patient......that I needed a live blanket in this weather...that I wanted to feel him trail kisses from my lips, down to my neck, over my breasts, tugging and sucking until the warmth of his mouth sends an electric pulse through my spine to my core, warming me....that I needed to bask in the glory of his love making, that I wanted to be lost in him.
My imagination deserted me in protest at the overuse, and refused to spring to action sufficient for me to help myself to minimal relief. I wished he were nearer to being conquered but I knew I had to be patient and ramble no more.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Finally Flowing
I am in a better place now....all my efforts have not worked so I am thinking that for some reason the Lord wants me to go....I hope its not death....but his will be done if it is. I still don't have a visa but my friends in interestingly high Offices have worked some magic and it seems likely that my paperwork will be processed in time......what can I do after this demonstration of who is really in control in my life......I bow to him that has guided my path thus far and I know he will not leave my side.
I have nothing to fear, not even myself.
I have nothing to fear, not even myself.
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