Men

Is there anything quite like the feel of a man?

The feel of his stubble on your cheek, your breasts, down you stomach, between your legs.....the weight of his body on you, the roughness of his hands as they play over your body, the way he fits your body just right regardless of height or weight, the way the hardness between his legs finds an appropriate spot to rest....on you, the response that evokes.......nope, there's nothing quite like the feel of a man.

Forgive me.....this is my only outlet right now.

What's Inside

Have you ever had one of those periods in your life where everything that can go wrong does and there's nothing you can do about anything cause when you try it results in compounding the problems.......this is where I am now.

Where every element of my life has issues....work, home, car, family and friendships.......its all n the crapper. Where you have to press along but you are soooo tired of the constant struggle.

You know you will survive but you can't help but wish that the one person who could offer some semblance of comfort wasn't part of the cause......I want my Boogie......I want him to wrap me in his arms and make it all feel better....I want him to convince me that we are in it together.................that's a lot to want from someone, and for a proud and independent girl like me, its too much to admit to and worse, verbalise.

I am Joseph the Interpreter

It was a starry night last night...I like outside sometimes. I like the unencumbered vibe it promotes. Yep, I spent quality time with self on the weekend. Of course I would rather have had a romping roaring fuck session but nope.....I was entertaining myself and doing a very bad job of hostess.

On the real though, sometimes I like the solitude....it forces me to ponder the larger questions of this life .......I would feel great afterwards and leave the process with as many solutions as I had started with but damn smug that I took time out to reflect.

Anyway........I had a beer in one hand and a spliff in the other and a beautiful star filled sky above to be my solace through the turmoil in me. I must admit that it is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with both issues but I am a trooper. My lack of adequate stress relief also compounded my pondering....all in all , it was a bitch of night. Ahhh sleep, I remember thee well, but like a prudish virgin you refuse to share my bed ........not an uncommon phenomenon these days I am constrained to admit.

I engaged myself in thoughts of him and almost made it through the night with 5hrs sleep......I missed it by 2hrs.....guess it wasn't meant to be like several other things in my life right now. Anyway I thought back to the other day when he visited......I was surrounded by colleagues, my boss included, and felt safe. As I watched them together I felt anger rise, but what to do. he seemed very focused on philosophising about the grass and its apparent greenness when one is on the outside looking in. I am not too big on the colour green these days so I had tuned out the rest.....also, thankfully my cell phone rang and I was happy o take the call....outside. I got away.

I rested outside for a bit and only returned when I felt my absence might have raised a few questions in my colleagues' minds.....thankfully I was seated farther away from him this time. I watched again as they played, twisting words and charming each other......that was hard. I looked on as compliments flew his way for the colours he had chosen to wear that day and how well he wore the suit......personally I would have preferred a lighter pink shirt, but he was looking good......I didn't want to add myself to the fawning female spew because I wasn't sure how it would've come across.......he did strike a pleasing picture though.

At the end of the visit, when he and I recognised that there would be no alone time for us, he reached for my hand......I always think he holds the handshake too long.....others looking on may notice, so I rush my grasp and let go, what feels like, too soon......I would have loved to hold his hand for a bit, but again....what to do?....I did wonder if he had come to deliver on my request for him to say "Fuck Off"....I must admit, a part of me hoped he had, and another part, lower down, hoped he hadn't. As he walked through the door he mouthed to me if I had gotten what he said earlier......my response, being me, was to indicate that all I needed to 'get' was those two words.....I am too difficult....I know.

Now I am left to wonder what the fuck he had said about the grass , who is/ is on the lawn, where the grass is...is it the immediate work threat or something else.....(for this one I should know better because....our real life people are never to be brought in the mix), did I really think the grass was greener or was I acknowledging the power of attraction and our inability to ignore same, what could have prompted him to challenge my brain so in the first place, that "Fuck Off" might be the easiest out since these mind twisters are insurmountable, and a host of other things......I've got to hand it to him, there are no freebies handed out, no easy route...nuh time at all.

(Sigh)....I wish he would just say three words; "I WANT YOU...never doubt that".....( well, maybe its six words).

I've said it before I am a simple girl, with a simple understanding of these matters...if you want something you go get it......I can't pretend to be anything but a stupid female right now and I want to have an easier route....I told him already, there few things in this life I like hard, this is not one of them....I want to be clear that there is something or conversely, that there really is nothing, it was just a fling.....I am tired of thinking.

A Gesture of .....

Sometimes I get it right......Other times I get it completely wrong.........Sometimes I give in to the feeling just be cause I think I pick up on sump'n.......Other tomes I fall because it brings me peace.

I wish time could be turned back, then this wouldn't be.....we would still share appreciative glances at each other every so often, I could continue to feign ignorance at his intentions, and he could still just be that "too cocky" guy.

I spoke to one of my brothers on Saturday and entered into a reasoning as he engaged in what I would call flirting with a clerk. This as we discussed my part in buying a now belated birthday gift for a former serious girlfriend. He's married.

When I protested my being involved in the espionage, a part of me wondered about the similarity between he and I and more importantly she and me. I thought about what it would mean to me to receive a gift from him........I thought about the impact of a gesture like that from a man who needed her to be a figment of his imagination.....I thought about what if this were all she needed to restore focus, keep her feelings in abeyance.....what if this one gesture could make it all better....at least for a while.......what if this gesture could bring clarity, maybe even closure, confirmation that he really does care, its just that the circumstances right now are not conducive to full exploration....finally she would know that her silliness had a companion in him........ She would know that its not that he isn't impatient too......that she's not being played, that she is at the very least an effective player in the game too.

I also thought about the impact of this gesture on her if this really were a game....when she finally accepts that no matter how deeply she, or even he, feels, ultimately....without apology....it really is just a game in the end......some games last for a long time, others are short even if love is in the mix...then she'll ask herself if its really worth it given the circumstances, them both being committed elsewhere.

Thankfully, on Saturday, I was a hopeless romantic so I made the arrangements and felt good inside. I thought about how lucky she was to be able to carve out an outward display such as this....not one which she has to sift through to find truth.....

Admitting Defeat

.......The wise shall inherit glory (all honor and good) but shame is the highest rank conferred on [self-confident] fools.--Proverbs 3:33-35

I stumbled upon the above....I have a friend who tries to ensure that I have a fighting chance at not burning in hell by sending me little ditties like this....how apt.

I have been a fool, and I have been shamed over and over again in this matter.....what have I really been doing.