Breached but not Broken

When I was a child, I dreamed of owning a big cat as a pet....a black panther to be exact. Persons would beseech me to think twice on the subject cause wild animals can never be tamed, even if they're born in captivity...The innate hunting spirit and need to protect territory would erode any attempts at civilizing the big cats..they'd say. My dream has not yet died but I think I have a better appreciation for the ills involved.

I still dream of stroking his chest and tummy and scratching his back on lazy days by the pool while I listen to his deep purr, putting a diamond collar around his neck and walking through the Metropolitan....I read too many Mills and Boon and watched too much James Bond growing up.

I thought of the comparison between Big Cats and Men and the similarities were astounding ..in my mind. If you are sweet to them they muster some sweet sufficient to lull you into a false sense of security that you are and will forever be the one, the only one....they are attentive when playing for the prize and will shield you from all harm, provided it emanates from other men....they make you tea, and snuggle up the length of your body while they sleep hoping to keep you warm....they enjoy the hunt, they play with their food, they have puppy dog eyes when caught in an act....but ultimately, one can never predict the actions of the Cat nor can one have expectation of behaviour or respect....a Leopard can never change its spots.

In life one learns to live, love and hopefully learn the lessons from the experiences. It molds and shapes us into who we are, what we believe the strength we exhibit, but for once I wish a man could prove me wrong and indeed be who you think he is, do what you thought he would, mean what he says, not give you the satisfaction of saying "I told you so"....I've always said a woman should know here limits and my age prevent me from pulling the wool over my own eyes once you slip, you slide.

Little sins after all become big ones....in the end being intuitive and unable to settle is a curse...defences up once again.

This too shall pass

Sometimes I think God darkens our days, our very existence too, to remind and prove to us that the human spirit will always triumph. A least developed, poverty ravaged country is hit by a massive earthquake and the world responds…maybe every country doesn’t rush immediately to help but the overall sentiment is that they reach out.

The outpouring of help for Haiti is enough to bring tears to my eyes…..“Too little too late”…some crusaders may cry, but when through tragedy countries forget their own situation for awhile and focus on a single good, I can't help but see the silver lining in the cloud of the aftermath.

The world put aside the usual hindrances to progress and a show of kindness, skin colour; religious belief; political leaning; the innate need to hold on to power etc., and responded to the cries for help from beneath the rubble. I give thanks that the quake didn’t hit in the night for surely the death knell surely would have rung out even louder.

I’m heartened today to be a citizen of the world. I am glad I was witness to the power of a mighty God, who destroys and builds up in ways unimaginable. Because I believe, beyond doubt that God on our side, I know inside that like the phoenix Haiti will rise again to face this new decade and win victory……with concrete and steel buildings too:0)

Prayer.....Again

My Lord…My God

When the principalities spoken of old rise up against me I fail to see you first.
Forgive me.

In darkness I continue to fight, ever striving toward your light….buckling at the simplest of tests…clinging to the feverish cry within of mind induced hopelessness…a lie
Forgive me.

The table prepared with your bounty for me is more than I asked, you have never blessed me half & half….A complete reward stored up and released in my time of utmost need. Forgive me for not acknowledging at all times that in adversity, we are made perfect and you strength is magnified.

Sometimes blessings take forms we never imagine…..hearing the birds sing, seeing a beautiful crimson sunset, wishing the thick clouds which cover the highest mount were sent to rest your weary head upon….Sometimes I remember to give thanks for the blessings seen and unseen….even if its spawned from my weak faith in times of challenge.

For he shall keep in peace those whose minds are stayed on Him.

New year, Old Afflictions

It’s the 6th day of the New Year, A New Decade…. yet unfortunately I feel as though I’m stuck in the “Noughties”. My head is reeling from anger and disappointment, my system overloaded with the weight of new and increased taxes, the harshness of the livity which is predicted to get worse as the year drags on into the Abyss of Recession.

Wishing for that straw to clutch at, hoping for Grace to see me through, believing it will, but failing miserably at remaining focused on the prize. I’m in a addled state, confounded by incessant Judgment projected at my every turn…maybe they have it right, maybe I’m playing with God?…It should not be this easy to fall….Am I really capable of change?

My heart is cast down in the new born year and its too early for that…right? The promise of a new dawn has always been a source of light…new opportunities to live-up, a slate wiped clean, a more appropriate destiny to be sculpted…Again…A sheath of happiness just within the reach of my outstretched finger tips, mind and soul….Its too early to be Depressed…do I need to have sex???? Will the endorphins explode and calm my frayed nerves, colour my world rosy…be the catalyst for my return to a naughty, empty, elated state.

I have prayed and I’m impatient for full change…If I fall down again, will I have the strength to get back up?? Prayer changes things and in my experience so far it does…

Help me to be quiet Lord and wait for your intervention

Give me peace that I may rest in the bosom of your love and glory
Take my hand so I that I know you're on my side
Cleanse me and forgive my openness to temptation and ugliness
My heart waits for your Grace Oh Lord
In Jesus’ name I pray Amen and Amen.