Outside in my chair, looking into a dark blue sky adorned in the majesty of droplets of heavens glow and an ivory crescent moon, I relaxed in God’s glory, creation. I won’t lie, my thoughts spun like a top turning the last two weeks or so over and over in my mind, thinking too much about a few not too good men and a bredren.
The night was cool with a soft breeze cupping my face and thighs……it was an excellent setting for thoughts to be provoked.…aaaahhh, its been a while since I’ve felt the lazy enhanced synapse instigated by herbal refreshment.…..
Issue #1
Two Friday’s ago I called in a hug which I had really wanted from Wednesday of that week. It was 9 ish p.m. and I was on my way to house sit for a friend ….my body builder was on the way. Twas a wonderful night and my ultra sensual self escaped from its cage….but nothing would happen, of that I was sure ( I didn’t want it to). As I stepped in for my hug and secured my thigh between his….I whispered goodnight and felt that knee jerk squeeze around my waist as my hot breath danced across his ear…another aaahhh moment.
After a drink, some chat about news and football, the odd reference to my thighs in shorts and my own less than holy thoughts when he emancipated his chest from it cotton confinement to feel the night’s cool……the curve of those pecs, shoulders like a rock and that strong sculpted back…..I asked for a pose to show off his lats and couldn’t help myself as I traced the outline of each with my tongue on my way down to his hips….. to lick the line from the top of his ass to the nape of his neck….he smelled great too, Axe is actually a sexy product.
So it went, me teasing him and him tentatively returning the favour. The ground rules were set, no sex, and we enjoyed the night nibbling and tugging at nipples, dragging our tongues across each other’s flesh, kissing…I never took time out before to realize that he was a hell of a kisser. Exploring non-penetration satisfaction, we were not disappointed…in the end.
I pulled the sheet over my head, ready for sleep, he opted to stay up for the Would Cup playoff fest that was scheduled for the night and morning. Stirring at 2:00 a.m. I thought fleetingly about heading to my own borrowed bed, but then I felt his arm encircle my waist, and heard the even breathing of a resting giant….he looked so innocent and sweet...so I curled up and decided to capitalize on his vulnerability. We slept well and were out early the next morning to get fruits, for me,a burger and coffee for him…..it was nice, I had all but forgotten what really being with someone in the morning felt like….I was at peace in that moment.
Issue #2
Boogie is a car man. So when the edict regarding the E10 gas was handed down by the government, and inspite of me I put it in and could’nt get my baby to get up and go when I pressed the accelerator, I sent him an e-mail to ask what the heck. …we chatted online about the virtues of E10 and possible solutions to the loss of power most people experience with its use, good dialogue all round I thought.
Over the four days which followed he rambled in my mind a few more times than I would want to admit…I missed him….I missed making love to him, I missed being in his arms and his kisses on my forehead.
Being blue over the rebellion of my heart against the dictates of my brain, I was hurt when we almost crashed into each other on Sunday. He was pulling onto the main road to the Mini stadium and it was my right of way….thankfully my bumper and his fender did not meet and he proceeded to wave me through as if I were just another female driver, looking to do harm…no hi, no smile, no how yuh do? This notwithstanding, I thought after the match he would pass by to properly hail the I….but not even that…nutten…It hurts when you find you’re no longer in someone’s heart…Mi did vex bout dat.
Issue #3
First love called to inform that his Divorce was now final and that we should stay in touch???????
When the devil set fi yuh, him set, but victory is mine, of that I’m sure, so for now I’m chilling.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thoughts
When I was a child I wanted to grow up to be a broadcaster....or more specifically, the lady who read the news. There was something about Leonie Forbes, Erica Allen and Fay Ellington that screamed out to me to emulate.....as I progressed through High School by the grace of God, juggling the roles of teenager, mother, big and little sister, home manager and sometimes wife (more in the Marxist sense..nutten gross) I thought more about owning my own business where I wouldn't be answerable to anyone but me and could slip away for a beach run every so often without it being a problem........I would sign many documents, shout a bit, have sordid love affairs and drive a fast car (thunder bird I think).
Throughout the ups and downs of my youth one thing remained fixed in my mind no matter what I thought I would "grow up to be"....the fact that I would designate a day each week to take my mother shopping and have lunch and just shoot the breeze.
When I got my job out of UWI I felt sure that I would fulfil this promise, albeit in a different kinda way since she was in Florida mostly...I was convinced I could find a mechanism despite the no visa obstacle......I'll never forget the pride in her voice when I told her I'd gotten the job and where, I'll never forget that she continued to send my likkle much even though I was now working....there are many things about her I won't forget....
Later that same year when she finally let on that she was really, really sick and wanted to come home, I started thinking of a two bedroom flat for me and her, I started thinking that this was my opportunity to take care of her...I was sad but happy to be able to do for her what she had always done for me even from a distance......Nine years ago today, after speaking on the phone the day before about my plans to fly up and bring her home, she died from a heart attack caused by a blood clot from the ovarian cancer which had engulfed her body......Nine years have passed since I've heard my name on her lips, 9 yrs has passed since my world crashed and my heart broke never to be repaired.....
Twas an in between hectic day, but always in the back of my mind was the significance of today's date...Now, with the work lull taking effect I can't help but remember that I never got a chance to repay her.... to take her to lunch or shopping...I never got a chance to shower her with gifts just for being my Mom...I never got the chance to watch her watch me grow older and wiser....She was a star in my heart and I give thanks for the time I did have, but can't help wincing at the thought that one more year will again go by and my heart will break anew each time.
Throughout the ups and downs of my youth one thing remained fixed in my mind no matter what I thought I would "grow up to be"....the fact that I would designate a day each week to take my mother shopping and have lunch and just shoot the breeze.
When I got my job out of UWI I felt sure that I would fulfil this promise, albeit in a different kinda way since she was in Florida mostly...I was convinced I could find a mechanism despite the no visa obstacle......I'll never forget the pride in her voice when I told her I'd gotten the job and where, I'll never forget that she continued to send my likkle much even though I was now working....there are many things about her I won't forget....
Later that same year when she finally let on that she was really, really sick and wanted to come home, I started thinking of a two bedroom flat for me and her, I started thinking that this was my opportunity to take care of her...I was sad but happy to be able to do for her what she had always done for me even from a distance......Nine years ago today, after speaking on the phone the day before about my plans to fly up and bring her home, she died from a heart attack caused by a blood clot from the ovarian cancer which had engulfed her body......Nine years have passed since I've heard my name on her lips, 9 yrs has passed since my world crashed and my heart broke never to be repaired.....
Twas an in between hectic day, but always in the back of my mind was the significance of today's date...Now, with the work lull taking effect I can't help but remember that I never got a chance to repay her.... to take her to lunch or shopping...I never got a chance to shower her with gifts just for being my Mom...I never got the chance to watch her watch me grow older and wiser....She was a star in my heart and I give thanks for the time I did have, but can't help wincing at the thought that one more year will again go by and my heart will break anew each time.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Loss
Last week I learnt a valuable lesson, how to forgive someone I didn't even know, and how to pray for God's richest blessings to fall upon their lives.
On Thursday I got home late, and its funny I spent a wonderful evening chatting away with a bredren, eating Cheetos and drinking water. When I got through the door I noticed that my dresser drawers were open.....being older however and knowing the loss of memory that occurs at this age, I wondered whether I had been the one who'd left them open...unlikely, but still I wondered. As I removed my earrings and chain, a routine action for me as soon as I get in teh door, I was alarmed at the empty clanking sound they made against the ceramic jewelry chest...huh???? Looking down to see the lone pieces swim around in the container I got cross, angry and scared....I was robbed.
I played the morning over in my mind including the decision not to wear a particular piece cause it didn't fit my outfit...I thought long and hard but I couldn't recall not securing the place before I left.....darn....as I reasoned away the reality of the robbery with the fact that the radio, HDTV birthday gift I'd given myself and the $9000 which was hidden under the innards of the Bath and Body Works gift set on the dresser were still there, something deep down still yelled...I've been robbed....But how? There was no sign of forced entry.
I accepted my reality relatively quickly and began to thank the Lord that it wasn't worse....that I had been spared, that they weren't still in the house:0) I opened my mind to the thought that material things did not matter in this life and that the Lord gives and takes away.
I had a restless night but I slept and awoke to a bright beautiful day.....as I dressed for work however I couldn't help but lament the loss of one piece in particular, a gold chain my mother had given me for finishing my degree at UWI...one of the last things she gave me before she died.....tears came to my eyes.
Losing something precious in sentiment like that was hard, and in the days that followed I prayed for peace. On Saturday I called out for God to bless the person(s) who'd done it. I prayed that they be increased beyond their wildest imaginings. I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to give to them in that way, cause if that was what it took to feed my brother for a coupla days, then so be it.
Sometimes when life happens we let anger take over and miss the lesson....I could've chosen to carry my rage with me like a banner, but instead I felt it better to ask for divine help in dealing with the matter....I'm glad I did, and though from time to time my heart breaks when I think about that necklace, I am strengthened by God's grace and I let it go.
Give thanks continually for it could always be worse.
On Thursday I got home late, and its funny I spent a wonderful evening chatting away with a bredren, eating Cheetos and drinking water. When I got through the door I noticed that my dresser drawers were open.....being older however and knowing the loss of memory that occurs at this age, I wondered whether I had been the one who'd left them open...unlikely, but still I wondered. As I removed my earrings and chain, a routine action for me as soon as I get in teh door, I was alarmed at the empty clanking sound they made against the ceramic jewelry chest...huh???? Looking down to see the lone pieces swim around in the container I got cross, angry and scared....I was robbed.
I played the morning over in my mind including the decision not to wear a particular piece cause it didn't fit my outfit...I thought long and hard but I couldn't recall not securing the place before I left.....darn....as I reasoned away the reality of the robbery with the fact that the radio, HDTV birthday gift I'd given myself and the $9000 which was hidden under the innards of the Bath and Body Works gift set on the dresser were still there, something deep down still yelled...I've been robbed....But how? There was no sign of forced entry.
I accepted my reality relatively quickly and began to thank the Lord that it wasn't worse....that I had been spared, that they weren't still in the house:0) I opened my mind to the thought that material things did not matter in this life and that the Lord gives and takes away.
I had a restless night but I slept and awoke to a bright beautiful day.....as I dressed for work however I couldn't help but lament the loss of one piece in particular, a gold chain my mother had given me for finishing my degree at UWI...one of the last things she gave me before she died.....tears came to my eyes.
Losing something precious in sentiment like that was hard, and in the days that followed I prayed for peace. On Saturday I called out for God to bless the person(s) who'd done it. I prayed that they be increased beyond their wildest imaginings. I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to give to them in that way, cause if that was what it took to feed my brother for a coupla days, then so be it.
Sometimes when life happens we let anger take over and miss the lesson....I could've chosen to carry my rage with me like a banner, but instead I felt it better to ask for divine help in dealing with the matter....I'm glad I did, and though from time to time my heart breaks when I think about that necklace, I am strengthened by God's grace and I let it go.
Give thanks continually for it could always be worse.
A Mystery
Why would God create humans to serve him but allow them to turn their heads away?
Why would God make us in his image forever clamouring for his affection but still bestow on us the treasure of free will?
Why would my Lord allow the Devil to tempt us knowing that we are powerless at times to withstand the test of our faith, even though at times we are rooted and grounded in the word?
Why would a loving God allow us to fail at trying to be good knowing that our conscience is innately skewed to skepticism about his forgiveness of our sin, why would God place in us a rigid inability to forgive ourselves, knowing that this lack more often than not leads to even further sin?
Why would he give me so much for me to destroy with the weakness of my flesh?
Why would he keep trying with me when I continue to fail?
Why would God make us in his image forever clamouring for his affection but still bestow on us the treasure of free will?
Why would my Lord allow the Devil to tempt us knowing that we are powerless at times to withstand the test of our faith, even though at times we are rooted and grounded in the word?
Why would a loving God allow us to fail at trying to be good knowing that our conscience is innately skewed to skepticism about his forgiveness of our sin, why would God place in us a rigid inability to forgive ourselves, knowing that this lack more often than not leads to even further sin?
Why would he give me so much for me to destroy with the weakness of my flesh?
Why would he keep trying with me when I continue to fail?
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