Thoughts

When I was a child I wanted to grow up to be a broadcaster....or more specifically, the lady who read the news. There was something about Leonie Forbes, Erica Allen and Fay Ellington that screamed out to me to emulate.....as I progressed through High School by the grace of God, juggling the roles of teenager, mother, big and little sister, home manager and sometimes wife (more in the Marxist sense..nutten gross) I thought more about owning my own business where I wouldn't be answerable to anyone but me and could slip away for a beach run every so often without it being a problem........I would sign many documents, shout a bit, have sordid love affairs and drive a fast car (thunder bird I think).

Throughout the ups and downs of my youth one thing remained fixed in my mind no matter what I thought I would "grow up to be"....the fact that I would designate a day each week to take my mother shopping and have lunch and just shoot the breeze.

When I got my job out of UWI I felt sure that I would fulfil this promise, albeit in a different kinda way since she was in Florida mostly...I was convinced I could find a mechanism despite the no visa obstacle......I'll never forget the pride in her voice when I told her I'd gotten the job and where, I'll never forget that she continued to send my likkle much even though I was now working....there are many things about her I won't forget....

Later that same year when she finally let on that she was really, really sick and wanted to come home, I started thinking of a two bedroom flat for me and her, I started thinking that this was my opportunity to take care of her...I was sad but happy to be able to do for her what she had always done for me even from a distance......Nine years ago today, after speaking on the phone the day before about my plans to fly up and bring her home, she died from a heart attack caused by a blood clot from the ovarian cancer which had engulfed her body......Nine years have passed since I've heard my name on her lips, 9 yrs has passed since my world crashed and my heart broke never to be repaired.....

Twas an in between hectic day, but always in the back of my mind was the significance of today's date...Now, with the work lull taking effect I can't help but remember that I never got a chance to repay her.... to take her to lunch or shopping...I never got a chance to shower her with gifts just for being my Mom...I never got the chance to watch her watch me grow older and wiser....She was a star in my heart and I give thanks for the time I did have, but can't help wincing at the thought that one more year will again go by and my heart will break anew each time.