Reflection

In another 7 hrs and 13 mins I will no longer be the age I am and I'm left to ponder (as I often do) the value added by the year.

For the first time in my life I am happy to see the time tick away cause I have gained this year a better, more meaningful relationship with the Almighty. No longer will I review my list of new year resolutions and have to circle this item as "undone". More importantly, this yera has taught me to say no to the trappings of this world an dthat its not as hard as I'd thought (nuh get mi wrong...it ruff.....but with divine help its easier I think).

33 yrs old and I'm just learning the value of hope, trust and faith in the Creator....I'm a slow learner but I'm confident I will get there in God's time.

Welcome 34 and the abundance promised.

Joy and Pain

Family is a blessing....when one can stand in a room and see three generations of family..its a blessing of the highest order. I spent Sunday evening watching my God-daughter play with her cousins and friends as we celebrated one more year of her contribution to this world. Seeing siblings and couples relax in the cool night air and friends labrish about their children's latest achievements brought warmth to my spirit and though it twas not my blood family, I felt blessed to be a part of teh mix.

From Grandma, to my best friends mom, who had always been one of my heroes and a true representative of that fighting J'can woman, who raised 6 kids without much support from their father, a woman who one would be remiss not to say well done to. I was happy to just lyme away the night watching the light shine brightly in every child's eye, untarnished by the harsh realities of life....in listening to their shrieks or giggles as they tried to eat the snow cone faster than it could melt..failing ultimately, I was reminded of a better time, a time where your trust was unwavering and the only cares you had was waking up in the morning...Youth, oh how sweet.

My only regret, as I saw little Jordan join in the fun, was that we were one less, and I reminisced as my friend's brother treated the crowd to a head top dance, living up to the good vibes we had gotten accustomed to seeing from him and Ratty at these family gatherings...We were one less, and I think it hit home to everyone as there was silence from most of the adults as Demarco's"Fallen soldier" began to play in the background.

Live, love and enjoy life fully, we only get one go round.

Everything in life is a Process

Friday night I encountered temptation I couldn’t overcome….but I lasted ‘til Saturday. Saturday was ‘roughfa’ though…my commitment to breaking my flesh cold turkey came to a head 4 months since my decision to not fornicate and the further acceptance of the fact the masturbation too is sinful pon a moral level as well as in a direct sorta way through it opening of the mind to lust (nuff people nuh agree wid this but a suh mi feel).

As I battled my thoughts and aching body with prayer and the odd scripture I had somewhat memorized, I felt control of self slip further and further over to the darkside. From dusk ‘til dawn to the silence of almost twilight, I toiled…I tried…… And no doubt it was presumptuous sin when I gave in, for fear of my absolute implosion, to the yearning and did the ‘lesser evil’ of self help. Twas not enough, so a second and third round was aimed at adequately removing the monkey from my back…twas still not enough. Sin begets more sin.

Frustration, anger, sadness, weakness kicked in and I found myself reasoning with the Spirit to spare my sanity for I was not strong enough….the recommendations he made fell on deaf ears and I made a call. Ordinarily once I’m home, I like to stay in, worse when you sometimes hear the stories of people who left their homes in the night and were struck down….death has not yet lost its sting for me….But I showered and left nonetheless, driven by the promise of release.

I mustered sufficient restraint initially, chatting over conch stew and football, being careful not to let the gentleman go back on his word to look but not touch. I was doing well too, until I caught sight of his wide smile, smokers lips, half open eyes, hair trailing down his stomach to his groin……he was sexy. With focus on the subject drifting farther and farther from my mind I decided to test his control…my jeans and top were removed with surprising ease, as I watched his smile turn to lust before he covered my lips in a kiss… I had missed kissing him.

Things escalated as they often do with too many hormones in one room, and his hands on my now damp skin were teasing sweet moans from the recesses of my throat. Aroused and whimpering I asked him to break his bond…he refused for my greater good, my commitment which he was more committed to seeing me keep than me, in the moment. I’m pretty versed in some of the safeguards from the Lord but the Devil was with me that night, and though I recognized I insisted. Anger rose and we joked seriously about the implications of my continued stay, that fact that I could genuinely call him a whimp who would let sumpn hot and ready slip through his hands.

Vexation and frustration made us part ways temporarily as he stepped outside for a smoke and I flipped through porn channels for stimuli to quench my thirst. When he returned to the room and commenced surfing the net, my ire grew greater and thoughts of leaving played in my mind…but that would have been too easy. The battle continued and somewhere in there I asked for forgiveness for going this extra mile in sin (causing another to sin) but by that time I was twig about to snap….he gave in.

In the morning I woke to see him on a mattress on the floor, and wondered whether that was his remedy for not repeating the error. A sweet thought of changing my position to hang my hand over the bed’s edge to rest it on his chest fleetingly rambled through my mind….but instead, I felt scorned (maybe from my own guilt but definitely scorned) and given my continued emotional ineptness, again anger rose. As I washed up and was about to get dressed to leave before he woke….his voice interrupted the still of the morning and I saw red. My clothes were replaced almost as quickly as I’d taken them off and his explanation was less than logical….to me…guilt is a bitch.

With the crisp morning air against my face I turned the radio off and listened to the companion angry roar of the engine as I made my way home. Kudos to him for not letting my rudeness prevent him from calling to see if I was in…I couldn’t go to church later that day.
One of the things that carried me through the 4 months break was the tactic of reading a verse or two or ten, in times of insistent temptation….it occurred to me while I was in my struggle, but somehow never took root….My question then is “Will I ever really be changed…am I beyond redemption?”

Birthday Wish..ish :0)

There are days when the flesh and mind are weak and thoughts of times past, comfort sought and found in unholy arms, play on rapid repeat in every tissue of your body. I miss being in love; having sex; having great sex; seduction; unwinding to slow sensual jams; exhaling.

I pray that the Lord will kill my flesh and break my desire (until he sends that good husband my way). I hope for better cause with God there is always better…..my logical mind believes this, knows this to be true, trusts that it will be done…..my infirmed flesh however, longs to be caressed…

If only I could shut my conscience down for a weekend (preferably my upcoming birthday weekend which I would love to spend in a hotel without any cares in the world), and in that time benefit from the best love making of my life, where intimacy runs rampant, juices flow from just a touch and satisfaction is unquestionable. Not sure if I mean this, but very sure that I am frustrated beyond the breaking point.

This and That

Last week was a learning experience...In bible study class I was reminded of why I didn't quite appreciate Church Folk; funeral was Saturday and that took a lot out of me; and I missed enjoying the rainy Sunday morning under the covers.

Church people are sometimes hypocrites and this was borne out on Wednesday as I listened to the speaker mock and the congregation laugh at the beliefs of Rastafarians and Muslims. While I don't claim to be an authority on the bible nor do I think my relationship with the most high is greater than any of my brethren, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of disgust as they laughed....I don't recall Jesus laughing at anyone even the gentiles....I don't recall him preaching that we should chastise our brothers for their alternate views but instead to seek with all our hearts to educate them, I remember reading how he asked the Samarian woman for water, something that no Jew would ever do, I remember him putting the solders ear back on after one of his disciples chopped it off....needless to say I was not pleased with my peoples......

The funeral was preceded by a set up at which we made the best of our time reflecting on Ratty's life and using his example to prescribe changes we would make in our own lives recognising that time is too short for a lot of foolishness that we allow to intervene in our happiness (like a 9-5 job, or not spending enough time with our children) it was a long night. At the church on the Hill we paid our last respects to the man that was, and I was fine until a slide show of who he was as a father and policeman started playing, and then I lost it somewhat as I watched clip after clip of him and his kids, his bredrens made happy by hat magnificent smile. All was getting back to well as I listened to the JCF Choir (who were pretty darn good), then his sons took the stage and I admired the eloquence of the nine year old as he bid good morning to the clergy and " all other protocols observed" to the rest of us. Sadness began to rise once more as I thought about the fact that he would now grow without the care and direction of the father...and I was doing really well until he reminisced about going to the beach with his Dad, questioning God for taking the "best Father in the world" and the fact that he would have to be the light for his little brother to keep the memories of his father alive in both their hearts...I lost it then.....I was not pleased. After paying my respects to his wife a few of us got together at my girlfriend's house and we lymed and drank our sorrows away.

Sunday morning I awoke groggy but committed to going to Church since I had asked the Praise Team to do a particular song for me that day. They Did and it was worth my missing out on spending the rainy morning wrapped in my sheets watching time drift slowly by....it was a day of rest and reflection as well....RIP Ratty, your smile lit the hearts of many.

Devaluation

In a previous time in my life I spent way too many hours working...I was in Office by 7:30 most mornings and out by 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. on good days. My friends would chastise me for giving my heart and soul to a government job....but I, because it is my work ethic, gave my all for the greater good of self and Nation.

Today the reality of my situation walked up and slapped me in the face. My eyes are now open. I now know that it matters not the sweat you put in when no one's looking, they still will judge you by the 5 Sick days and 2 Departmental days you've taken for the year. Your commitment is measured by the fact that for the past three months you've recognised that woman was not meant to work 10hrs a day and you try to leave work at 5:30 p.m., your few (very few) long lunches define your entire year and insult is levied when you submit your vacation leave form and your integrity is questioned relative to the number of sick and departmental days your used up because "it seems" you were absent from the job for more days than that.

Its been a while since I've been ANGRY...today I am struggling with two emotions, anger and hurt, cause my accuser should have known better....should have know that you come in at times sick, because you know there are only 3 persons in the very busy Office..that person for whom you've taken your fair share of hits despite your junior Officer designation, tehy should have known better.

As I sit here this evening, still working to meet today's deadlines to ease teh pressure come Monday, I am forced to re-evaluate my situation, to pray for that one business idea that will guarantee my security for life, that idea for a book that will be a best seller....for any straw I can clutch at to uproot myself from this unforgiving Unit...I've had ENOUGH.

Maybe papa Bruce have the right idea to redundant some a wi cause if my contribution can be belittled in this way, imagine those among us who represent the typical "government worker".

Prayer seems far from my heart in this storm, prayer seems very far from my heart, but I will try.