Is there anything quite like the feel of a man?
The feel of his stubble on your cheek, your breasts, down you stomach, between your legs.....the weight of his body on you, the roughness of his hands as they play over your body, the way he fits your body just right regardless of height or weight, the way the hardness between his legs finds an appropriate spot to rest....on you, the response that evokes.......nope, there's nothing quite like the feel of a man.
Forgive me.....this is my only outlet right now.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
What's Inside
Have you ever had one of those periods in your life where everything that can go wrong does and there's nothing you can do about anything cause when you try it results in compounding the problems.......this is where I am now.
Where every element of my life has issues....work, home, car, family and friendships.......its all n the crapper. Where you have to press along but you are soooo tired of the constant struggle.
You know you will survive but you can't help but wish that the one person who could offer some semblance of comfort wasn't part of the cause......I want my Boogie......I want him to wrap me in his arms and make it all feel better....I want him to convince me that we are in it together.................that's a lot to want from someone, and for a proud and independent girl like me, its too much to admit to and worse, verbalise.
Where every element of my life has issues....work, home, car, family and friendships.......its all n the crapper. Where you have to press along but you are soooo tired of the constant struggle.
You know you will survive but you can't help but wish that the one person who could offer some semblance of comfort wasn't part of the cause......I want my Boogie......I want him to wrap me in his arms and make it all feel better....I want him to convince me that we are in it together.................that's a lot to want from someone, and for a proud and independent girl like me, its too much to admit to and worse, verbalise.
Monday, January 28, 2008
I am Joseph the Interpreter
It was a starry night last night...I like outside sometimes. I like the unencumbered vibe it promotes. Yep, I spent quality time with self on the weekend. Of course I would rather have had a romping roaring fuck session but nope.....I was entertaining myself and doing a very bad job of hostess.
On the real though, sometimes I like the solitude....it forces me to ponder the larger questions of this life .......I would feel great afterwards and leave the process with as many solutions as I had started with but damn smug that I took time out to reflect.
Anyway........I had a beer in one hand and a spliff in the other and a beautiful star filled sky above to be my solace through the turmoil in me. I must admit that it is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with both issues but I am a trooper. My lack of adequate stress relief also compounded my pondering....all in all , it was a bitch of night. Ahhh sleep, I remember thee well, but like a prudish virgin you refuse to share my bed ........not an uncommon phenomenon these days I am constrained to admit.
I engaged myself in thoughts of him and almost made it through the night with 5hrs sleep......I missed it by 2hrs.....guess it wasn't meant to be like several other things in my life right now. Anyway I thought back to the other day when he visited......I was surrounded by colleagues, my boss included, and felt safe. As I watched them together I felt anger rise, but what to do. he seemed very focused on philosophising about the grass and its apparent greenness when one is on the outside looking in. I am not too big on the colour green these days so I had tuned out the rest.....also, thankfully my cell phone rang and I was happy o take the call....outside. I got away.
I rested outside for a bit and only returned when I felt my absence might have raised a few questions in my colleagues' minds.....thankfully I was seated farther away from him this time. I watched again as they played, twisting words and charming each other......that was hard. I looked on as compliments flew his way for the colours he had chosen to wear that day and how well he wore the suit......personally I would have preferred a lighter pink shirt, but he was looking good......I didn't want to add myself to the fawning female spew because I wasn't sure how it would've come across.......he did strike a pleasing picture though.
At the end of the visit, when he and I recognised that there would be no alone time for us, he reached for my hand......I always think he holds the handshake too long.....others looking on may notice, so I rush my grasp and let go, what feels like, too soon......I would have loved to hold his hand for a bit, but again....what to do?....I did wonder if he had come to deliver on my request for him to say "Fuck Off"....I must admit, a part of me hoped he had, and another part, lower down, hoped he hadn't. As he walked through the door he mouthed to me if I had gotten what he said earlier......my response, being me, was to indicate that all I needed to 'get' was those two words.....I am too difficult....I know.
Now I am left to wonder what the fuck he had said about the grass , who is/ is on the lawn, where the grass is...is it the immediate work threat or something else.....(for this one I should know better because....our real life people are never to be brought in the mix), did I really think the grass was greener or was I acknowledging the power of attraction and our inability to ignore same, what could have prompted him to challenge my brain so in the first place, that "Fuck Off" might be the easiest out since these mind twisters are insurmountable, and a host of other things......I've got to hand it to him, there are no freebies handed out, no easy route...nuh time at all.
(Sigh)....I wish he would just say three words; "I WANT YOU...never doubt that".....( well, maybe its six words).
I've said it before I am a simple girl, with a simple understanding of these matters...if you want something you go get it......I can't pretend to be anything but a stupid female right now and I want to have an easier route....I told him already, there few things in this life I like hard, this is not one of them....I want to be clear that there is something or conversely, that there really is nothing, it was just a fling.....I am tired of thinking.
On the real though, sometimes I like the solitude....it forces me to ponder the larger questions of this life .......I would feel great afterwards and leave the process with as many solutions as I had started with but damn smug that I took time out to reflect.
Anyway........I had a beer in one hand and a spliff in the other and a beautiful star filled sky above to be my solace through the turmoil in me. I must admit that it is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with both issues but I am a trooper. My lack of adequate stress relief also compounded my pondering....all in all , it was a bitch of night. Ahhh sleep, I remember thee well, but like a prudish virgin you refuse to share my bed ........not an uncommon phenomenon these days I am constrained to admit.
I engaged myself in thoughts of him and almost made it through the night with 5hrs sleep......I missed it by 2hrs.....guess it wasn't meant to be like several other things in my life right now. Anyway I thought back to the other day when he visited......I was surrounded by colleagues, my boss included, and felt safe. As I watched them together I felt anger rise, but what to do. he seemed very focused on philosophising about the grass and its apparent greenness when one is on the outside looking in. I am not too big on the colour green these days so I had tuned out the rest.....also, thankfully my cell phone rang and I was happy o take the call....outside. I got away.
I rested outside for a bit and only returned when I felt my absence might have raised a few questions in my colleagues' minds.....thankfully I was seated farther away from him this time. I watched again as they played, twisting words and charming each other......that was hard. I looked on as compliments flew his way for the colours he had chosen to wear that day and how well he wore the suit......personally I would have preferred a lighter pink shirt, but he was looking good......I didn't want to add myself to the fawning female spew because I wasn't sure how it would've come across.......he did strike a pleasing picture though.
At the end of the visit, when he and I recognised that there would be no alone time for us, he reached for my hand......I always think he holds the handshake too long.....others looking on may notice, so I rush my grasp and let go, what feels like, too soon......I would have loved to hold his hand for a bit, but again....what to do?....I did wonder if he had come to deliver on my request for him to say "Fuck Off"....I must admit, a part of me hoped he had, and another part, lower down, hoped he hadn't. As he walked through the door he mouthed to me if I had gotten what he said earlier......my response, being me, was to indicate that all I needed to 'get' was those two words.....I am too difficult....I know.
Now I am left to wonder what the fuck he had said about the grass , who is/ is on the lawn, where the grass is...is it the immediate work threat or something else.....(for this one I should know better because....our real life people are never to be brought in the mix), did I really think the grass was greener or was I acknowledging the power of attraction and our inability to ignore same, what could have prompted him to challenge my brain so in the first place, that "Fuck Off" might be the easiest out since these mind twisters are insurmountable, and a host of other things......I've got to hand it to him, there are no freebies handed out, no easy route...nuh time at all.
(Sigh)....I wish he would just say three words; "I WANT YOU...never doubt that".....( well, maybe its six words).
I've said it before I am a simple girl, with a simple understanding of these matters...if you want something you go get it......I can't pretend to be anything but a stupid female right now and I want to have an easier route....I told him already, there few things in this life I like hard, this is not one of them....I want to be clear that there is something or conversely, that there really is nothing, it was just a fling.....I am tired of thinking.
A Gesture of .....
Sometimes I get it right......Other times I get it completely wrong.........Sometimes I give in to the feeling just be cause I think I pick up on sump'n.......Other tomes I fall because it brings me peace.
I wish time could be turned back, then this wouldn't be.....we would still share appreciative glances at each other every so often, I could continue to feign ignorance at his intentions, and he could still just be that "too cocky" guy.
I spoke to one of my brothers on Saturday and entered into a reasoning as he engaged in what I would call flirting with a clerk. This as we discussed my part in buying a now belated birthday gift for a former serious girlfriend. He's married.
When I protested my being involved in the espionage, a part of me wondered about the similarity between he and I and more importantly she and me. I thought about what it would mean to me to receive a gift from him........I thought about the impact of a gesture like that from a man who needed her to be a figment of his imagination.....I thought about what if this were all she needed to restore focus, keep her feelings in abeyance.....what if this one gesture could make it all better....at least for a while.......what if this gesture could bring clarity, maybe even closure, confirmation that he really does care, its just that the circumstances right now are not conducive to full exploration....finally she would know that her silliness had a companion in him........ She would know that its not that he isn't impatient too......that she's not being played, that she is at the very least an effective player in the game too.
I also thought about the impact of this gesture on her if this really were a game....when she finally accepts that no matter how deeply she, or even he, feels, ultimately....without apology....it really is just a game in the end......some games last for a long time, others are short even if love is in the mix...then she'll ask herself if its really worth it given the circumstances, them both being committed elsewhere.
Thankfully, on Saturday, I was a hopeless romantic so I made the arrangements and felt good inside. I thought about how lucky she was to be able to carve out an outward display such as this....not one which she has to sift through to find truth.....
I wish time could be turned back, then this wouldn't be.....we would still share appreciative glances at each other every so often, I could continue to feign ignorance at his intentions, and he could still just be that "too cocky" guy.
I spoke to one of my brothers on Saturday and entered into a reasoning as he engaged in what I would call flirting with a clerk. This as we discussed my part in buying a now belated birthday gift for a former serious girlfriend. He's married.
When I protested my being involved in the espionage, a part of me wondered about the similarity between he and I and more importantly she and me. I thought about what it would mean to me to receive a gift from him........I thought about the impact of a gesture like that from a man who needed her to be a figment of his imagination.....I thought about what if this were all she needed to restore focus, keep her feelings in abeyance.....what if this one gesture could make it all better....at least for a while.......what if this gesture could bring clarity, maybe even closure, confirmation that he really does care, its just that the circumstances right now are not conducive to full exploration....finally she would know that her silliness had a companion in him........ She would know that its not that he isn't impatient too......that she's not being played, that she is at the very least an effective player in the game too.
I also thought about the impact of this gesture on her if this really were a game....when she finally accepts that no matter how deeply she, or even he, feels, ultimately....without apology....it really is just a game in the end......some games last for a long time, others are short even if love is in the mix...then she'll ask herself if its really worth it given the circumstances, them both being committed elsewhere.
Thankfully, on Saturday, I was a hopeless romantic so I made the arrangements and felt good inside. I thought about how lucky she was to be able to carve out an outward display such as this....not one which she has to sift through to find truth.....
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Admitting Defeat
.......The wise shall inherit glory (all honor and good) but shame is the highest rank conferred on [self-confident] fools.--Proverbs 3:33-35
I stumbled upon the above....I have a friend who tries to ensure that I have a fighting chance at not burning in hell by sending me little ditties like this....how apt.
I have been a fool, and I have been shamed over and over again in this matter.....what have I really been doing.
I stumbled upon the above....I have a friend who tries to ensure that I have a fighting chance at not burning in hell by sending me little ditties like this....how apt.
I have been a fool, and I have been shamed over and over again in this matter.....what have I really been doing.
The Good Old Days
My first Love called me yesterday........its amazing how these things happen. I was off from work due to illness and he caught me at home at 12 pm....weird. It was a good talk, there were always issues left unresolved between us.
We reminisced about the early days when we would go five times in a day so that he could go back to St. Mary before my father came home....how he moved to Kingston for me when we worked out that he was too tired at the end of these days to drive back to the country.....how I would miss classes to be with him....how I failed 3 courses my first semester because all I could think about was sex and when next I would get it....how we laughed when he came with me to check my results.....how we would take off to the country at the drop of a hat, and that villa where we christened every room and the pool....youth is wonderful. Those were good days.
We spoke about the bad stuff too, and he revealed that I was the cause of most of it....I cheated first he said, and for some reason he still loved me but was alwaysapprehensive about committing to me alone. I'd break his heart, he said.
We spoke about him putting the pieces of my heart back together when the man I left him for left me for his wife.....youth is a bitch......... I remember it like it was yesterday, its the reason I am how I am.....I had juggled both men for as long as my 22yr old self could manage, I was tired, I was filled with guilt for what I was doing to first love and this man's wife.....I just couldn't manage the love I was feeling in any other way, so eventually I left first love and thought it would all work out in my favour, I was wrong. They don't teach you in high school that married men never leave their wives, a life lesson every girl should learn...early.......he left me, with a phone call the night after he fucked me and told me everything would be okay......he said he had to give his marriage a fighting chance......I was crushed.
That same day I called first love and told him what had happened through much tears, he didn't hesitate, he told me to come over. He sent my replacement packing (later we found out she was pregnant for him) that day and made space for me in his home for as long as I needed. I never knew that I had so much tears in me and he dried every bit of them.......he took a day from work he loved me through it all, and I showed my gratitude for that for the next 3 yrs.
He was good to me, but he was also very very bad.....we stayed together through many of his escapades.....unfortunately his women couldn't seem to fight the urge to call me and let me know how much he really wanted to leave me, and that he was just using me......the moment I confronted him about it that would be the end of them........initially I would get upset and hurt, eventually however, I found that engaging in my own distractions made it feel better....especially when I'd let him know what I was up to, then it felt damn great. Throughout all this though I firmly believed that we loved each other....it was a different kinda love, but love it was.
He told me his wife felt threatened by me......I assured him that I had no intention of going back to where we had been and to let her know that her mind should rest at ease cause I am not a threat. I asked him to take the best care of her that he could cause at the end of the day he had made the ultimate commitment to her in the sight of God. He's a good guy.....deep, way deep, down. This notwithstanding, he was very serious when he told me that he wouldn't promise me that if we were to be in the same room, he wouldn't do everything in his power to take advantage......I was silent then....he had always claimed that we would always be fucking at the very least if not together always. I told him that the long conversation coupled with the reminiscing had led him to believe that he would do such a thing but when reality hits I knew he would think twice about it.
I must admit, it was a little empowering to hear......it was good to experience again my usual effect on the men I do......I keep saying, I have never fucked a man that I couldn't fuck again......well, at least this was how it used to be......I reveled in the fact that he had not yet developed an immunity to me, and I was glad.
We reminisced about the early days when we would go five times in a day so that he could go back to St. Mary before my father came home....how he moved to Kingston for me when we worked out that he was too tired at the end of these days to drive back to the country.....how I would miss classes to be with him....how I failed 3 courses my first semester because all I could think about was sex and when next I would get it....how we laughed when he came with me to check my results.....how we would take off to the country at the drop of a hat, and that villa where we christened every room and the pool....youth is wonderful. Those were good days.
We spoke about the bad stuff too, and he revealed that I was the cause of most of it....I cheated first he said, and for some reason he still loved me but was alwaysapprehensive about committing to me alone. I'd break his heart, he said.
We spoke about him putting the pieces of my heart back together when the man I left him for left me for his wife.....youth is a bitch......... I remember it like it was yesterday, its the reason I am how I am.....I had juggled both men for as long as my 22yr old self could manage, I was tired, I was filled with guilt for what I was doing to first love and this man's wife.....I just couldn't manage the love I was feeling in any other way, so eventually I left first love and thought it would all work out in my favour, I was wrong. They don't teach you in high school that married men never leave their wives, a life lesson every girl should learn...early.......he left me, with a phone call the night after he fucked me and told me everything would be okay......he said he had to give his marriage a fighting chance......I was crushed.
That same day I called first love and told him what had happened through much tears, he didn't hesitate, he told me to come over. He sent my replacement packing (later we found out she was pregnant for him) that day and made space for me in his home for as long as I needed. I never knew that I had so much tears in me and he dried every bit of them.......he took a day from work he loved me through it all, and I showed my gratitude for that for the next 3 yrs.
He was good to me, but he was also very very bad.....we stayed together through many of his escapades.....unfortunately his women couldn't seem to fight the urge to call me and let me know how much he really wanted to leave me, and that he was just using me......the moment I confronted him about it that would be the end of them........initially I would get upset and hurt, eventually however, I found that engaging in my own distractions made it feel better....especially when I'd let him know what I was up to, then it felt damn great. Throughout all this though I firmly believed that we loved each other....it was a different kinda love, but love it was.
He told me his wife felt threatened by me......I assured him that I had no intention of going back to where we had been and to let her know that her mind should rest at ease cause I am not a threat. I asked him to take the best care of her that he could cause at the end of the day he had made the ultimate commitment to her in the sight of God. He's a good guy.....deep, way deep, down. This notwithstanding, he was very serious when he told me that he wouldn't promise me that if we were to be in the same room, he wouldn't do everything in his power to take advantage......I was silent then....he had always claimed that we would always be fucking at the very least if not together always. I told him that the long conversation coupled with the reminiscing had led him to believe that he would do such a thing but when reality hits I knew he would think twice about it.
I must admit, it was a little empowering to hear......it was good to experience again my usual effect on the men I do......I keep saying, I have never fucked a man that I couldn't fuck again......well, at least this was how it used to be......I reveled in the fact that he had not yet developed an immunity to me, and I was glad.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Surrendering to Logic
I am never sure when he calls if he really wants to speak to me or my boss...he has become quite skillful at eking out his desired outcome in a nondescript kinda way.....so I continue to be jealous but I've got it under some semblance of control.
Anyway, there's another conference on this week overseas...its been in my radar since late last year, but I decided not to make representation to attend......it would be dangerous, cause he would be in attendance, and I am too fragile right now.....my celibacy being in effect...damn its hard.
I wish I could tell him to come and give me a proper goodbye, but why stir up trouble and open old wounds which I know he has no inclination to mend......I will wish him a good trip via email and hope that's all I do.
Anyway, there's another conference on this week overseas...its been in my radar since late last year, but I decided not to make representation to attend......it would be dangerous, cause he would be in attendance, and I am too fragile right now.....my celibacy being in effect...damn its hard.
I wish I could tell him to come and give me a proper goodbye, but why stir up trouble and open old wounds which I know he has no inclination to mend......I will wish him a good trip via email and hope that's all I do.
Memories
I had never been very good at saying the words "I love you" and "I'm sorry".......the latter just because I never think I'm in the wrong and even if I am or was, what good does it do to admit to it......in the case of the former, men have taught me that saying these words opens the door to doom. Thankfully my men know that I don't do these words......its weird though, cause I like to hear the words "I love you".....I may not believe it, but sometimes its good to hear.
Boogie was the reason for me to take the decision to remain silent on my feelings.....I'm more of a 'action speaks louder than words' kinda girl......so with every pronouncement of love from him, I would brush my lips against his, or snuggle in for a hug, or kiss his forehead in response.......there are the times though when he tells me he needs to hear the words and I have grown proficient at recognising 'that look' so I oblige.......then there are the times when the love bubbles up and overflows in me and I whisper to him as he sleeps or surprise him at the most inopportune time.
Its not that I don't love him, its just that it hurts sometimes to admit to this stuff, cause you know it will ultimately cement in the silliness and men will take advantage...its a knee jerk response....if you can keep them guessing then they remain interested....they can only speculate, when you hold the words close to your chest and this protects you both, I think. I'm not quite sure why I started this post, all I know is.....I wish I could hear the words from him.
I wish we could play that game where I ask him if he loves me, and he says "yes", then I ask "how much?", and he opens his arms to the sides and says "this much", then I say "its not enough.....but I'll take it", we hug and he would amend his statement and say "with all my heart".........its funny the things you miss.
Boogie was the reason for me to take the decision to remain silent on my feelings.....I'm more of a 'action speaks louder than words' kinda girl......so with every pronouncement of love from him, I would brush my lips against his, or snuggle in for a hug, or kiss his forehead in response.......there are the times though when he tells me he needs to hear the words and I have grown proficient at recognising 'that look' so I oblige.......then there are the times when the love bubbles up and overflows in me and I whisper to him as he sleeps or surprise him at the most inopportune time.
Its not that I don't love him, its just that it hurts sometimes to admit to this stuff, cause you know it will ultimately cement in the silliness and men will take advantage...its a knee jerk response....if you can keep them guessing then they remain interested....they can only speculate, when you hold the words close to your chest and this protects you both, I think. I'm not quite sure why I started this post, all I know is.....I wish I could hear the words from him.
I wish we could play that game where I ask him if he loves me, and he says "yes", then I ask "how much?", and he opens his arms to the sides and says "this much", then I say "its not enough.....but I'll take it", we hug and he would amend his statement and say "with all my heart".........its funny the things you miss.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Immunity
Today is not so good........apart from the challenges associated with work and the current greening of the nation, I am saddened by my inability to make wiser choices.
I saw Boogie yesterday....turns out he really did leave that thing at my house......when I saw him pull up, my heart did somersaults in my chest. I have not yet felt the wonders that this New Year has brought and I hoped he would have been my saviour from the purgatory I'm in.......he wasn't.
But for a courteous "goodnight", we didn't speak......I can't believe he may just not love me anymore........the him I knew him to be would have had his way with me from the moment he came in the door, even ?against my will...... can a flame which burned so deeply and bright for sooo long be extinguished in the passage of 4ish weeks?
I guess.
I saw Boogie yesterday....turns out he really did leave that thing at my house......when I saw him pull up, my heart did somersaults in my chest. I have not yet felt the wonders that this New Year has brought and I hoped he would have been my saviour from the purgatory I'm in.......he wasn't.
But for a courteous "goodnight", we didn't speak......I can't believe he may just not love me anymore........the him I knew him to be would have had his way with me from the moment he came in the door, even ?against my will...... can a flame which burned so deeply and bright for sooo long be extinguished in the passage of 4ish weeks?
I guess.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Actions and Reactions 2
I am out of control I got pissed and sent the following to him.
In answer to your non-descript display, this is my display.
In answer to your non-descript display, this is my display.
You didn't call back, but that did not prevent me from fucking you last night. I straddled you and slid my wet pussy down every inch of your cock marking each inch with a squeeze. I watched you watch me enjoy the moments when you searched and found that spot...you know, the one that causes an eruption. I wihispered vulgar nothings and encouraged you to slide your cock deeper and fuck me dry, disticntly asking that "yuh mash up a man pussy and send it home battered and bruised". You obliged.
Yeah, I fucked you and counted the cums.......4 to be exact......but more importantly you fucked me dipping and slipping in and out, slapping my ass and biting my shoulder...you fucked me and I was happy to be on all fours with you.
Yeah, I fucked you and counted the cums.......4 to be exact......but more importantly you fucked me dipping and slipping in and out, slapping my ass and biting my shoulder...you fucked me and I was happy to be on all fours with you.
I hope you're in a meeting and can't stand up for another few minutes after reading this.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
EMOTIONS
Some crap happened last week which ended with him asking why I was so angry in an email.....I gave a palatable answer, enough to convey that he was a part of the cause......what I wanted to say was........this should only concern him if the anger enhances the fucking experience, anything beyond that is not his problem, so he shouldn't ask me crap again. (sigh)
I still feel I should give him my true response...he pisses me off sooooo.
I've gotten one of those self help books in a bid to learn to manage my anger......a cursory read however has revealed to me that where he is concerned, I am hiding behind the anger emotion, cause its easier to admit to than the other emotions I am feeling which are totally wrong and should not be in the mix at all.
I still feel I should give him my true response...he pisses me off sooooo.
I've gotten one of those self help books in a bid to learn to manage my anger......a cursory read however has revealed to me that where he is concerned, I am hiding behind the anger emotion, cause its easier to admit to than the other emotions I am feeling which are totally wrong and should not be in the mix at all.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Waiting to Exhale 2
Noting how much trouble my lower region gets me into, I had determined that I needed to take a break from sex for at least 2 months. I knew it would be difficult, I like getting @$%ked, but I also knew that the fact that Boogie and I were on the outs and James Bond being the way he is, incognito from even his own damn self, now was the perfect opportunity to grow up a little.
So its been 2 and sumpn weeks......my back hurts now, and most of my thoughts are about sex. Its getting harder to stay away from forbidden fruits......it takes all my energy to focus on day to day tasks......I wish I could be pulled out of this purgatory. I know I am supposed to be the one in control and that the decision to stick to this programme is totally in my hands, but right now I just want to feel some other emotions....I want to feel wanted, I want to feel cherished and loved, I don't want to be the forever fighting me girl today, I want to surrender myself to someone else.....fuck the consequences.
So its been 2 and sumpn weeks......my back hurts now, and most of my thoughts are about sex. Its getting harder to stay away from forbidden fruits......it takes all my energy to focus on day to day tasks......I wish I could be pulled out of this purgatory. I know I am supposed to be the one in control and that the decision to stick to this programme is totally in my hands, but right now I just want to feel some other emotions....I want to feel wanted, I want to feel cherished and loved, I don't want to be the forever fighting me girl today, I want to surrender myself to someone else.....fuck the consequences.
The Cycle Continues
It been an interesting weekend...this notwithstanding, I'm at work.....don't mind though, needed to "breeze out mi head".
So I had plans to go to "Rebel Salute", a wick'd cultural Reggae show, on Saturday...everything fell in place because a bredren of mine also had convinced me to attend a"head stone laying ceremony/fete" for his father....country people have worked out a way to keep the death in the family thing going, and going and going, and feeding people along the way...Quite unnecessary in my estimation but people have their traditions, so I didn't argue.
This do was happening in Porus, which was all in the same line to Rebel Salute.....my added bonus was that I would have gotten to hail up my new "friend". I must admit that I have detected a little weirdness since our exploration of each other, but I am hoping he will get past it......he's one of those manly men, so I don't think it will be too difficult. Anyway, everything started going wrong when I called him and left a message that I was in Porus and he could give me a call......usually he comes up and we drink and chat bout this an' that.....he called back several hours later...what the..... So you know this girl vex.....I did a little phone sex thing with him and when he asked if I was coming his way after the do....I said noway....he got perturbed, I got further perturbed and it ended with my indication that clearly it wasn't worth it because he wasn't big enough to handle the just sex thing. One day my mouth and I will have to have a serious talk.
As is customary, when one thing goes wrong, everything else starts to go to shit. Boogie called, I didn't have the heart to tell him I was out of Kingston.....he had always accused me of having more than a friendship with my bredren so I decided it would be a secret....for the record, this guy is really just a bredren....too soft for me. I like my men cocky as hell and gentle in bed, he is gentle all around........ When, we spoke I could hear him trying to find the right words....there were several pauses in between, but I rewarded his effort with patience. He invited me to drinks......I didn't want to cloud the issues so I suggested a public place rather than my or his house. I gave my ticket to the show to my bredren, told him who he needed to hook up there and made my way back to KGN.
Of course I was late, I think I did the drive back in good time though, but then one had to choose an outfit which would'nt be overly sexy, cause we needed to talk..... I was also a little doubtful as to what I really wanted, so I took time to try to get some clarity. When I got to the location, I drove just in case it all went to shit...there is nothing worse than to be arguing and at the end of the night being stuck in his car going home.....He looked so good, he felt sooo goood when we hugged and kissed, his lips were sooo soft......anyway we talked and talked, and though I tried not to be the usual me...."vex nuh backside".....his thought process needed to be adjusted to see the reality of his actions, and I offered up clarity in generous doses......when I felt how vex I was getting, I told him I needed to leave......he eventually let me.
(Sigh).......I fell asleep this morning at about 3:00 a.m .........I want a world where I can get my way, just for a little bit.....is that too much to ask?
So I had plans to go to "Rebel Salute", a wick'd cultural Reggae show, on Saturday...everything fell in place because a bredren of mine also had convinced me to attend a"head stone laying ceremony/fete" for his father....country people have worked out a way to keep the death in the family thing going, and going and going, and feeding people along the way...Quite unnecessary in my estimation but people have their traditions, so I didn't argue.
This do was happening in Porus, which was all in the same line to Rebel Salute.....my added bonus was that I would have gotten to hail up my new "friend". I must admit that I have detected a little weirdness since our exploration of each other, but I am hoping he will get past it......he's one of those manly men, so I don't think it will be too difficult. Anyway, everything started going wrong when I called him and left a message that I was in Porus and he could give me a call......usually he comes up and we drink and chat bout this an' that.....he called back several hours later...what the..... So you know this girl vex.....I did a little phone sex thing with him and when he asked if I was coming his way after the do....I said noway....he got perturbed, I got further perturbed and it ended with my indication that clearly it wasn't worth it because he wasn't big enough to handle the just sex thing. One day my mouth and I will have to have a serious talk.
As is customary, when one thing goes wrong, everything else starts to go to shit. Boogie called, I didn't have the heart to tell him I was out of Kingston.....he had always accused me of having more than a friendship with my bredren so I decided it would be a secret....for the record, this guy is really just a bredren....too soft for me. I like my men cocky as hell and gentle in bed, he is gentle all around........ When, we spoke I could hear him trying to find the right words....there were several pauses in between, but I rewarded his effort with patience. He invited me to drinks......I didn't want to cloud the issues so I suggested a public place rather than my or his house. I gave my ticket to the show to my bredren, told him who he needed to hook up there and made my way back to KGN.
Of course I was late, I think I did the drive back in good time though, but then one had to choose an outfit which would'nt be overly sexy, cause we needed to talk..... I was also a little doubtful as to what I really wanted, so I took time to try to get some clarity. When I got to the location, I drove just in case it all went to shit...there is nothing worse than to be arguing and at the end of the night being stuck in his car going home.....He looked so good, he felt sooo goood when we hugged and kissed, his lips were sooo soft......anyway we talked and talked, and though I tried not to be the usual me...."vex nuh backside".....his thought process needed to be adjusted to see the reality of his actions, and I offered up clarity in generous doses......when I felt how vex I was getting, I told him I needed to leave......he eventually let me.
(Sigh).......I fell asleep this morning at about 3:00 a.m .........I want a world where I can get my way, just for a little bit.....is that too much to ask?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Whining
Its funny how shit happens when you least expect it.
Like missing:
Like missing:
- him so much every fibre of your being aches for him
- the way he kissed your forehead for no apparent reason
- the way he smiled at you
- his legs between yours when you slept
- that goodbye kiss in the morning....and my trying to inveigle him to trail his kisses lower
- the feel of his heartbeat under your head as you rest on his chest
- the way we talked in bed sometimes until the wee hours of the morning
- his arms around you
- at least 8 out of the 10 years of our love affair
- everything about him, even the bad stuff
- Oh yeah...and the exhausting, mind blowing, body pulsing, sweaty nasty, call me your bitch daddy sex
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The Power of the Spoken Word
Let me start by saying that I am not angry....that was yesterday.
So I got a call from Boogie last night...he was forensic...he does that sometimes. What he really meant to ask was "how are you?" or "is everything good?". What came out was some childish question about some object he can't find and may have left at my house. Damn. What is wrong with men........were it another day, were it last year, were it a time that I felt i was wrong and was feeling up to playing this game I would have answered nicely and asked if that's all he wanted to say......we would have done that dance for another few minutes and he would have been in my bed and me an hour later. .....but I wasn't in that mood.
I was silent and when he pressed.....I told him he couldn't possibly be serious and hung up the phone. So I have made it worse.....I don't give a @$!k
So I got a call from Boogie last night...he was forensic...he does that sometimes. What he really meant to ask was "how are you?" or "is everything good?". What came out was some childish question about some object he can't find and may have left at my house. Damn. What is wrong with men........were it another day, were it last year, were it a time that I felt i was wrong and was feeling up to playing this game I would have answered nicely and asked if that's all he wanted to say......we would have done that dance for another few minutes and he would have been in my bed and me an hour later. .....but I wasn't in that mood.
I was silent and when he pressed.....I told him he couldn't possibly be serious and hung up the phone. So I have made it worse.....I don't give a @$!k
Monday, January 7, 2008
Lessons Learnt
2007 has taught me that:
- I am not invincible
- I cannot hold a man with the punaney and it may not be as good as I thought
- I am a girlie girl despite best efforts
- I am not only possessive but I am obsessive as well
- There was a good reason why I had stopped writing before
- The pool of good fuckers out there is not as limited as I had thought
- Cuddling is bad
- I am stubborn.....I listen to no one, not even myself
- There is a reason why work relationships should not be entered into
- I need anger management therapy
- I need to work on my flaws
- I am warming...(ish) to the idea of marriage. At least now I can talk about it.
- Communication in any sphere of life is paramount
- Never judge a book by its cover
- I am not invincible
- I cannot hold a man with the punaney and it may not be as good as I thought
- I am a girlie girl despite best efforts
- I am not only possessive but I am obsessive as well
- There was a good reason why I had stopped writing before
- The pool of good fuckers out there is not as limited as I had thought
- Cuddling is bad
- I am stubborn.....I listen to no one, not even myself
- There is a reason why work relationships should not be entered into
- I need anger management therapy
- I need to work on my flaws
- I am warming...(ish) to the idea of marriage. At least now I can talk about it.
- Communication in any sphere of life is paramount
- Never judge a book by its cover
Sunday, January 6, 2008
BANNED
I wish to blacklist the following things:
1) Cuddling
2) Memories
3) Rainy Days and "Cold Fronts"
4) Dreams
5) Passive Rebellion
6) Impatience
7) The Colour Green
1) Cuddling
2) Memories
3) Rainy Days and "Cold Fronts"
4) Dreams
5) Passive Rebellion
6) Impatience
7) The Colour Green
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Searching
I am searching for a sign.....a sign that can provide clarity that my soul will accept. I wish I were this committed to my job, to being all I can be, I would be unstoppable.
I search every word here, every action in my memory, every thought I have, for that something which will jog me back to reality....no....accepting the obvious. I want to find that thing which will rock my core and cause me to uncover my pride again, my overly proud self. A self which would laugh in the face of this dilemma, a self which would finally be totally fed up and open to living the reality.
I am searching still, for a self which will override this circuit of foolishness,.......a self I can look at in the mirror again without disgust. I need to find me, only then will I be able to deal.
I wish I had a sign post which would mark an X at the spot where I now reside, where I can uncover a self which the pirate of emotion can no longer pilfer and pillage....one which couldn't be raped by the villain of weakness.....one which could stand firm and unshackled from the imprints of him in my mind....one which could stand up and be counted.....one which I wouldn't be disappointed to be.
I wish to be FREE.
I search every word here, every action in my memory, every thought I have, for that something which will jog me back to reality....no....accepting the obvious. I want to find that thing which will rock my core and cause me to uncover my pride again, my overly proud self. A self which would laugh in the face of this dilemma, a self which would finally be totally fed up and open to living the reality.
I am searching still, for a self which will override this circuit of foolishness,.......a self I can look at in the mirror again without disgust. I need to find me, only then will I be able to deal.
I wish I had a sign post which would mark an X at the spot where I now reside, where I can uncover a self which the pirate of emotion can no longer pilfer and pillage....one which couldn't be raped by the villain of weakness.....one which could stand firm and unshackled from the imprints of him in my mind....one which could stand up and be counted.....one which I wouldn't be disappointed to be.
I wish to be FREE.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Feelings
I am feeling the burn....you know....that unmistakable feeling that starts in the pit of your stomach, makes your blood boil, that vibe that transforms everyday activities into a showcase of hmmmm moments......I need to have sex.
Its simple really, its been a week and something since I've had any and my body right now is like an electric circuit pulsing at every whisper, every hint of male presence, and god forbid I should get a hug from a man....its bad. I've always been like this.....I like sex...its good, it focuses me.... so in the weeks to come, with no outlet..... or inlet may be more appropriate......I will become very distracted, intensely on edge and basically no fun to be around.
I need to learn to control myself cause I have no willing options right now, and I wouldn't want the larger issues between me and Boogie to be overshadowed by the fact that I need to do this....he knows that this is how I am too so he is probably waiting me out right now, knowing that I am fighting a losing battle...do I enlist the help of my new friend????
I will try to control myself for now and hope that I am at least able to equal my record of 3 weeks....then I will take baby steps from there. This sounds like a positive plan.....I will pray for a good outcome.
Its simple really, its been a week and something since I've had any and my body right now is like an electric circuit pulsing at every whisper, every hint of male presence, and god forbid I should get a hug from a man....its bad. I've always been like this.....I like sex...its good, it focuses me.... so in the weeks to come, with no outlet..... or inlet may be more appropriate......I will become very distracted, intensely on edge and basically no fun to be around.
I need to learn to control myself cause I have no willing options right now, and I wouldn't want the larger issues between me and Boogie to be overshadowed by the fact that I need to do this....he knows that this is how I am too so he is probably waiting me out right now, knowing that I am fighting a losing battle...do I enlist the help of my new friend????
I will try to control myself for now and hope that I am at least able to equal my record of 3 weeks....then I will take baby steps from there. This sounds like a positive plan.....I will pray for a good outcome.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Actions and Reactions
Why is it that when one aspect of your life is crappy other parts become so complicated and challenging.
Its a blue New Year as I had expected, what I didn't predict correctly was the cause......
On New Year's Eve I was caught at work until after 5:00 pm (work ended at 2:00pm), it couldn't be helped, in the absence of my boss I was summoned by the bigger boss......as I saw Boogie's number light up my cell phone screen, I knew that this call was to concretize our plans for the night.....unfortunately I was in a meeting. I know I had an option to open the key and let him hear that I was engaged but instead I chose to reject the call.....because the phone did a mek noise by now and I panicked (its so unprofessional)..... As I hit the button, a spark went off in my head that my action would have been treated as an attack, but I had little time to think things through.
When I wrapped up that evening and was on my way back to the Office, I called.....he did not answer. It seems not responding to me is a catching disease......anyway, I like New Years Eve and I'm a firm believer in the notion that whoever you are with at 12:00 a.m. will be the person you are with throughout the year (I know, I'm too romantic) .....so I made 2 further calls which yielded the same result. As 10:00 pm rolled in and I accepted that I was gonna be alone, I got pissed and sent an emotional expletive laced message, the essence of which would have conveyed thanks for deciding that he didn't wish to be with me this year. Fuck.
You ask a question of one and the other delivers an answer....I can't win.
So we have not spoken since, but he is my Boogie and I am really pissed still, cause his lack of contact really just makes the situation worse...why can't men figure that out...time does not quell the fire, it stokes it. I don't think I was overreacting, its been 10 yrs, he should know that I would not take kindly to being stood up on that day......maybe he didn't care and wanted to put an end to the cause of his doubt and pain.....Anyway I know I should have handled the situation better but I am passionate, I can't help it. When did it get this fucked up?
Its a blue New Year as I had expected, what I didn't predict correctly was the cause......
On New Year's Eve I was caught at work until after 5:00 pm (work ended at 2:00pm), it couldn't be helped, in the absence of my boss I was summoned by the bigger boss......as I saw Boogie's number light up my cell phone screen, I knew that this call was to concretize our plans for the night.....unfortunately I was in a meeting. I know I had an option to open the key and let him hear that I was engaged but instead I chose to reject the call.....because the phone did a mek noise by now and I panicked (its so unprofessional)..... As I hit the button, a spark went off in my head that my action would have been treated as an attack, but I had little time to think things through.
When I wrapped up that evening and was on my way back to the Office, I called.....he did not answer. It seems not responding to me is a catching disease......anyway, I like New Years Eve and I'm a firm believer in the notion that whoever you are with at 12:00 a.m. will be the person you are with throughout the year (I know, I'm too romantic) .....so I made 2 further calls which yielded the same result. As 10:00 pm rolled in and I accepted that I was gonna be alone, I got pissed and sent an emotional expletive laced message, the essence of which would have conveyed thanks for deciding that he didn't wish to be with me this year. Fuck.
You ask a question of one and the other delivers an answer....I can't win.
So we have not spoken since, but he is my Boogie and I am really pissed still, cause his lack of contact really just makes the situation worse...why can't men figure that out...time does not quell the fire, it stokes it. I don't think I was overreacting, its been 10 yrs, he should know that I would not take kindly to being stood up on that day......maybe he didn't care and wanted to put an end to the cause of his doubt and pain.....Anyway I know I should have handled the situation better but I am passionate, I can't help it. When did it get this fucked up?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
