A Gesture of .....

Sometimes I get it right......Other times I get it completely wrong.........Sometimes I give in to the feeling just be cause I think I pick up on sump'n.......Other tomes I fall because it brings me peace.

I wish time could be turned back, then this wouldn't be.....we would still share appreciative glances at each other every so often, I could continue to feign ignorance at his intentions, and he could still just be that "too cocky" guy.

I spoke to one of my brothers on Saturday and entered into a reasoning as he engaged in what I would call flirting with a clerk. This as we discussed my part in buying a now belated birthday gift for a former serious girlfriend. He's married.

When I protested my being involved in the espionage, a part of me wondered about the similarity between he and I and more importantly she and me. I thought about what it would mean to me to receive a gift from him........I thought about the impact of a gesture like that from a man who needed her to be a figment of his imagination.....I thought about what if this were all she needed to restore focus, keep her feelings in abeyance.....what if this one gesture could make it all better....at least for a while.......what if this gesture could bring clarity, maybe even closure, confirmation that he really does care, its just that the circumstances right now are not conducive to full exploration....finally she would know that her silliness had a companion in him........ She would know that its not that he isn't impatient too......that she's not being played, that she is at the very least an effective player in the game too.

I also thought about the impact of this gesture on her if this really were a game....when she finally accepts that no matter how deeply she, or even he, feels, ultimately....without apology....it really is just a game in the end......some games last for a long time, others are short even if love is in the mix...then she'll ask herself if its really worth it given the circumstances, them both being committed elsewhere.

Thankfully, on Saturday, I was a hopeless romantic so I made the arrangements and felt good inside. I thought about how lucky she was to be able to carve out an outward display such as this....not one which she has to sift through to find truth.....