The Human Spirit

The human spirit has the ability to triumph over all things, with the grace of God of course. I realise now that I embarked on a journey to test the human condition of my spouse and was amazed at the response. I recognise now that people will continue to cheat, lie, steal and such in the attempt to get at the deeper you. The void we have inside can only be filled by human contact and attention to our human condition.

My last posting identified the need to learn the rules of the game in order to play that game. I lost the game but not the lesson....I have gained so much over this period and I want to establish this mechanism as the greatest form of self therapy. That I was undone by my own musings, is hilarious I am sure but at this time I cannot enjoy the irony. I have sat here week after week (some longer than others) pouring out my innermost thoughts to the web world and I felt cleansed each time. What I did not realise was that as I was pouring out my heart, he was reading every line. What do you do when you realise that your wife, girlfriend, partner is as adept at playing the game successfully as you are?

To my dismay however the knowledge that he knows has left me in a spiral of lost innocence. I feel that I have left my hand in the cookie jar for all to see. Unwittingly, or maybe it was a stroke of good sense, he mentioned nothing and I continued in my false secrecy. It hurts that he knows about me in this way, yes he may have gotten glimpses given the length of our cohabitation but I never imagined that this would have played out quite like it has. There are few things in this life I regret, my Mom dying before she saw me and my siblings blossom, that I cannot comprehend the process that takes place when the land is washed by the rains from the heavens and the magnificence that emerges just after those showers, the way the hills are refreshed. The magnitude of the issues I regret in this life I hope is clear from my examples. This notwithstanding, I will add the hurt one feels when someone who loves you says he knows that you've been cheating, especially where there was no intention to disrupt your relationship bubble.

The stark clarity and reality of man's inability to plan life becomes very present in these moments, and the guilty have no redress but for a understanding heart.

The Game

Today I am sad. I played the game of lust and lost. My friends say that I have too much testosterone in me because I see the man/woman phenomenon as men do; get in, get out, don't commit to more than a "co-habitational scenario", before you get trapped.

Yes, all this may be a manifestation of a deeper pain, inflicted in my youth by devils who swung more than the proverbial fork, from which the scars have left a bitter taste in my mouth, but it works for me. Of course my drive to conquer the opposite sex is also a reflection of an appetite for sex too great for any one woman. I am Scorpio, and I believe in the truest form of me, which is usually naked and on my back. I don't sleep around a lot though, but if I do decide to test the waters a bit, I don't fall in love. It would take some man to move me to that ridiculous state again. I learned the hard way that one should never commit more of your heart than you are prepared piece back together when the inevitable doom occurs. Its hard to piece back together a broken heart, and I shall not endeavour to knowingly risk it all again. You may ask then, "why are you sad today?" And I can give the only answer possible…..I may have opened up just a little too much to get what I wanted, and lost a little more than I could afford.

You know how the game goes. Sometimes you meet easy marks who are only too willing to give in to you under the guise of being a ladies man, or scoring another notch in his belt. A game that gives you some gratification but is usually very short lived and the sex may not be that great. That game is fine, but when you come across a pro, someone who knows that to give in is to lose, the game takes on more complexity and becomes a battle royale if one party is not as adept as the other at maintaining the poker face, or patient enough to wait for the right moment to strike. It becomes a "pussy cat in a dog fight" situation at that time, and the winner no doubt is the one who holds out the most. When faced with this situation though, it is hoped that one will recognise this weakness as soon as possible and either relinquish the hand he/she has, throwing in the towel and declaring the other the winner, or one may employ a new strategy, one which unveils a softer more secret part of you with a view to capitalising on that glimpse of genuine affection that was revealed. This measure should have the effect of disarming him, even for a little while, enough to wonder whether your confession of 'like' is sufficient basis for him to unravel just a little more.

Key to this approach however is perspective. One should never lose the perspective or forget the context in which the process had begun, along with the desired outcomes. The effect of revealing this side of you is aimed at enticing him to get to know just a little more about you, not for you to fall in love. It also offers an opportunity for you to be thought of as “falling for him”, thereby increasing your odds of getting him to fall for you just a little. Of course this may not be the sole outcome, as the gentleman could turn tail and run, dodging the bullet.

The approach outlined is clinical and requires surgical precision in its application. Revealing too much of you my have the effect of chasing the mark away, however revealing too little will not give you what you desire either. What is required is balance, and I have concluded that this method is better suited to situations where there is a genuine “like” shared between two parties. Sometimes just by admitting that you like him provides ample rope from which to hang oneself, after all, which man wouldn’t want to know that he possesses the ability to make a girl weak at the knees.

Another major drawback is that every so often the player loses herself in her revelation and succumbs to the sweet nothings being whispered. It is hoped that this fact is recognised early in the game or the hunter will become prey, and trust me, there is nothing that can even remotely describe how hard you will fall.

When one falls in love this way it removes from your psyche the very notion of holding back. When you see unhappy married people who really have only been married for a year, and ought still to be in the honeymoon phase, this was probably what happened. Judgement is cloaked and buried so far up your ass that it silences the little man on your shoulder. This is what allows you to act the fool and call too much, search his clothes, call his friends, and be generally stupid, giving up living your life just to be with him. All the time of course thinking that he ‘likes’ you as much as you ‘like’ him.

It is always prudent to think about the fact that “As easy as it is for us all to fall in love, it is just as easy for us to fall out”. Marriages end after 30 years, relationships die within 6 months, people we "like" become ‘bed warmers’ and people we love transform into our reason for staying out later than usual, going out of town too often, flying out to North America just a little more than you should need to, pretending you are asleep when he asks you to marry him.

It hurts, yet you keep thinking, that ‘if I just work at it more, it will be fine’. More often than not though, your commitment does not interrupt the flow of time. For those of you who were not raised as quitters, it will be even harder. We do have a way of entrapping ourselves.

It is imperative to learn the rules of the game...ensure that there is mutual respect for each other's time. If a date is set for fucking and you are unable to attend, make contact with the other party within reasonable time so that he can make alternative arrangements. Don't get to know each other too much...I believe that all I need to know is how you like it, what type of condoms you like, how open you are to trying freaky things (can I spank you) and which side of the bed you like to sleep on (for those overnight trips), although if one is sleeping the formula needs to be revised or adjustments made to the chosen partner. Another important rule is to determine the boundaries in the "relationship". Don't make contact when you shouldn't, this may lead to embarrassment and disrespect, don't dispel indications of greater interest on his part, doing so may lead to bigger problems down the road when the fun has ended, don't let him know when you are upset, maintain the mystery, don't pursue the matter if you feel upset when you don't get him on the phone, you are on dangerous ground and may care just a little too much.

I write from a small island perspective so no offense to those men around the world who are confident and capable of dealing with a woman who just wants a 'for sex relationship'.

When taking a bed buddy recognise the need for clarity in your own mind about what you want. Men will say that they can handle the fact that you only want sex but you have to coax them into it...allow them to play the game (cause they know no other way), be patient. It is quite a change for a man to know that he serves one purpose and one purpose only where you are concerned, so be gentle but firm, give him time to deal with his emotions....thankfully they are better able get over being used than women so it shouldn't be too long. I cannot stress enough, the fact that YOU Need To Decide What YOU Want.....if you realise you want more, get out. You have a significant other, he probably does too, so why create strife.....remember its always easy to get over a love lost with another lover......use this tool, don't get caught up in the drama. Sometimes I wish I were able to play around without them knowing they are being used, but my heart is too soft for that, people would get hurt. Instead I provide all the information he would need and leave him to make the decision. Usually he will come to you thinking he can change your mind so be on the look out for requests for extra cuddling or 'hanging out" time, and repeated attempts to have you get to know him better.

If you follow the rules you should do fine. Pace yourself though, take baby steps first, don't look for guys that you think remind you of your spouse, that's asking for trouble. With this offering I invite all the ladies to go forth and conquer.

The Meaning of Love

A friend asked me on the weekend to define LOVE. I must admit to having some difficulty. I responded quickly and said that "its a feeling (like a toothe ache, you can't see or touch it but you know its there), its accepting the next person for who they are regardless of their numerous short comings, its when your tummy flutters at the sight and sound of his/her voice, its how human beings know that they are alive".

Needless to say that given her capacity for the practical, she did not buy my explanations and signalled that people need to stop enduring unbearable situations because of this delusion that they call LOVE. "Instead of allowing people to crush your spirit in the name of love, demand from your spouse respect" she said, "where there is respect, there is no room for half of the craziness that goes on in relationships".

I must admit to concurring with her in this regard, however, I am a romantic at heart and I believe in the power of love. Yes, respect is key too, but I would hate to be 60 years old and have my partner describe our affection for each other as "deeply respectful". I want the fire that burns in your lions, your chest when the object of your fascination is in the room. I want to say that I have experienced the love that makes you do foolish things, and survived. I want to feel my heart fill up with joy, anger, sadness all at once. I want that turmoil inside, I like the feeling of being unable to live without someone, if only just for a moment in time.

Maybe that's why there are those people who get hurt 9 times out of 10 and still try, and those who stay in abusive relationships. But would life have been worth living if one had not had the opportunity to experience the fullness of love? Yes, what needs to happen is that you need to take responsibility for you, you need to love yourself prior to sacrificing your heart to anyone else. This will allow you to make better choices in partners and ensure that balance is achieved. Moreover it will be the catalyst for removal of oneself from the binds of Love when mutual benefit has ceased to accrue.

My advice to my friend, and indeed all, is to keep on loving, keep on feeling, that's who we are. God loved us that's why he has put up with our crap for so many centuries. Can you find a better set of footsteps to walk in?

The Simplicity of Life

Life as we know it, is supposed to be simple, nothing to demystify, nothing to over exercise our grey matter, yet we continue to view life as a task that we have to "make it through". My challenge to all is to stop for a minute, take a step back and just live. Life was meant to be uncomplicated by expectations, failure to achieve certain "goods"and love. Lets see life for what it is and take it for just that. The simple fact of waking up in the morning and being able to be should be sufficient for all of us, but its not because we continue to contort ourselves with a view to winning the battle. Of course one cannot discount the "human element" and its impact on our understanding and approach to life and living. The innate need to challenge and indeed conquer life will always win in the end because we are human.

Today, however, I take a stand, I stand for all of us who are unwilling or afraid to commit to being the one human who relaxes in this existence. Glad and grateful for the opportunity to just be.

Women Interrupted

For years I have managed to worm my way out of relationships, quasi relationships and what I considered to be meaningless sexual escapades before they got too crazy or became too much of an emotional roller coaster to endure. But today I stand as a witness for my sisters who have endured the pain of being cast aside for newer models, or misled by men who were too afraid to say upfront I only want sex; 1,2,3 times maybe, but after that its bye bye. Bamboozled by their sweet words or penetrating looks which place you on a pedestal over everything else in the world resulting in rape by their disarming focus on loving you.

The hurt of rejection has been with us from time immemorial, and some how we women have not learnt how to deal in these scenarios. How to take life as it comes without making more of things than is necessary. How to stop for a minute and think before our legs sprawl open to receive a dose of deceit in the name of "good times". My Sisters, why do we always place ourselves in a box from which there is no return? Is it the love, the thrill of conquest (nope. cause that would be easy to deal with because you would have had the upper hand), the yearning for companionship or just plain contact to be made? What motivates us to ignore the advances of a work colleague for years only to fall victim overnight and become the coffee break drama for the morning after?

I submit that the next time an approach is made, you "just say no" it doesn't matter how long its been since you've had an escapade, it doesn't matter how badly you feel inside or how much you just want to be wanted, just say no. Stop and think about the consequencies, yes it could lead to love but it could also, more often than not, mean that you sit by the phone waiting for him to call, feeeling hurt pierce through your heart when he doesn't answer your calls, text messages, e-mails etc. Stop for a minute and think about whether or not its worth it.