Whispers from Within

If time were a friend to me I would not have to withdraw from self to uncover truth. I am in between the reason and the distraction.

One has me from the hair on my head to my sometimes crusty feet, he has all of me. The other prefers to pretend he is immovable, unaffected by me....that I am the only one obsessed. He purports himself to be the pinnacle of male resilience....But I now know better.

I am in the middle, surrounded by unsavory options.

I am but a pawn in my own existence, a puppet to the pleadings of misunderstood affection, will and virtue....

I am untouchable, unable, unworthy of my hold over either

If time were on my side, I would be unaffected by my lack of concern.

I and I Reasonings

A blogging buddy had asked whether I was sure that I really wanted this man, or was it that my ego was bruised from the fact that I had encountered a man who was immune to me and therefore needed to prove myself. At the time I was in "Angry La La land" so coherent thought was not possible so I responded as truthfully as I could on the issues of ego, love and revenge.

I thought then that there were times when I felt I was in love with him but there were times when I knew I wasn't, I knew my ego was hurt and I did feel the need to redeem myself but I had hoped that it was not only about conquering Mohammed's mountain. Sadly however, while I still have strong feelings that sometimes totally engulf me when it comes to him, I am almost resigned to believe that having sampled the offering in a fulsome manner he holds little interest for me.......would I do it again? Yes.....but there is no burning need, as had been present before, to seize the being and ravage his person.....in essence then, I can wait.

I see no reason to lie to myself so for now I will continue to believe that I have finally learnt the patience lesson....and that this is the only thing operating at this time....he finally broke me....right????

Men Suck

Here I am committed to doing the right thing, observing all my responsibilities to my better other, as I had thought, and he does some shit to make you wonder why you were being nice in the first place. He should be glad I am fresh out of willing partners, and of course, that I have seen the errors of my ways and hope to walk the straight and narrow for the rest of the year (taking baby steps toward salvation).

If I weren't a red blooded J'can woman and could understand the pleasure women get from each other without penile penetration (strapons, like other toys are devoid of life and therefore not very enjoyable for me) I could see myself committing this sin just to be rid of the complexity that is man.

Ode To My Sunshine

Monday marked the 7th year since the death of my mother. I was sad....truth be told, I was sad from Thursday...actually bawling my eyes out. It always gets me....I guess you always regret not having been given the opportunity to grow older with your mom and her to watch you transform into you.

The day passed though with minimal time for much reflection...usually I go over to her grave with flowers and rest there for a bit, trying to be as close as possible to her, but this time I was soooo busy that it wasn't until 8:00 p.m. that I got a moment to reflect on her and her love and thank God for the time I did get with her....she was cool.....Tough as nails, but cool nonetheless......I sometimes wish that I had gotten her personality....she could light up a room.

Anyway, I was saddened by my lack of focused attention/remembrance. I was thrown back to that faithful Sunday morning when I was told that she had passed...nothing prepares you for such news......it hits you hard and you fall, you break, you crumble. I was 25 when it happened and I had to be strong for my younger brother who was only 16. It was tough though, and as I remember the funeral service, having taken the trek to Florida to bring her home...choosing a casket, sorting out her things so that my mother could rest finally in the land of her birth, where my 16 year old brother bundled me up in his arms and hushed me like a child as I wept, I thought about how soon they grow up. It was comforting.

The light on the day was my brother's return to the island for a brief business trip. I battled with the two emotions, being happy to see my brother and being sad about our loss, and a friend of mine put things into perspective for me....she said that God knew it would have been tough on the day so he gave me many distractions to protect me from wallowing in utter depression. "I think too much" she says, and she knows that at times I see the passing of my mother as the turning point in my life, as I had a 16 year old who I had been charged with shaping since he was 8, to put through school and teach to be a man. I have other siblings, don't get me wrong, but they are mostly scattered across North America, and my father had unfortunately degenerated into the typical Jamaican Dad....there when he wanted to be. It was tough, but I felt I could do no less for him than that which his mother would have done, and I am happy to see the way it all worked out. .

So my task was to shape a boy into a man. As I looked at him yesterday, heading off to a reception for the shortlisted applicants for the Rhodes Scholarship, I thought to myself that I did well. My friends had always told me that I raised a good man, but I never was able to see him outside of the nomenclature , "my little brother"....but he is indeed quite a man and I told him as much. I am proud of him and I can only hope he continues to develop and grow from strength to strength.

Rules of Engagement

Local Rules SUCK.....but I am gonna be a big girl about it.

Addicted

I understand now what addicts go through in their search for release from their substance abuse captivity.....I would love to have one draw, one line , one sniff, one snort, one iota of contact with him right now....but I can't, no....I won't. God I want him though.

Patience

I wish I could send this to him....but I don't want to be pitied, so again my heart is being poured out to blogging buddies and strangers.

Patience means there is no fire and you have all my
Apologies for being the way I am in this matter, but be rest assured that
Time will be taken to give you the separation you require. The knowledge of your
Insufficient interest really is a good thing....it focuses a body and every
Effort will be made to maintain my distance at all times, cause
No one should have to endure so many Regrets without the desired outcome, and
Consuming though you and this thing are to me, I will let it Flow and let it Go accepting that
Everything ends inevitably and life is too short to be patient in love and lust

Rambling Oppression

I have been absolutely horrible in this matter, I've determined. I've been a loose canon in pursuit of nothingness. I fell too easily and seemingly abandoned myself in the context of forbidden fruit.

The other day I asked what were the wages of sin? I now know.....guilt, eternal damnation, self inflicted purgatory where your mind rambles on, interpreting and misinterpreting issues, actions and words.....where you lay awake at night suspicious of the man beside you, hoping you don't fall asleep so that he can creep off to take that risk to make contact, wishing you had done things differently, wishing your affair had yielded the same commitment to fooling around, knowing that if he persists you won't be as accommodating because the guilt of your own error deeds will fall away and you will have to deal.....but he doesn't know the danger that this will pose......he doesn't know that you feel like you should fuck the world in a bid to erase your failure....he doesn't know that you are almost at the tipping point....there is so much that he doesn't know, but you can't say.

Yet even with the above happening on the ground, your mind strays to the possibility of love with an attached other. A girlfriend of mine asked how I fared at the Conference with him. A routine question, but as I gave sketchy details she questioned the prudence of cuddling with him.....I couldn't offer a reasonable defense....I knew it was wrong to do, everything in me knew it, but I did and now I am in much deeper. I don't want this.

When I think back at my actions, I feel compelled to apologise, blame it on the rain maybe.....I am sooo sorry for sooo much. I want this to end......but he is in me, and I am not patient enough to allow things to flow....to allow the challenge he is to flow out of me......but it needs to happen because I am standing on the edge and I fear that to pursue further will result in plunging me into a double life abyss.

A life which I unfortunately am all too familiar with, having lived this life for the better part of five years of my existence.......although this wouldn't be anything like that.....with that I was young so I fell, hard, and he was much older so he fell too, hard.....it was a whirlwind romance until the reality of the situation kicked in....then it was guilt riddled and vexing, but soooo sweet too were the moments of absolute togetherness......you know, when both partners were off the island or something like that, where you actually could spend time feeling each other, knowing each other....not having to watch the clock, not having to rush to shower to remove that wonderful smell of sex, being able to wake up in the morning and rub your eyes in his chest knowing that you could just rest there in that nook for the rest of the day, knowing that he could warm your bed two consecutive nights without fear......... calling at 1, 2 or 3 in the morning because you can't sleep.....closing your eyes and listening to his voice resonate through your being....relaxing in him.

But this is nothing like that so why fight for it? Why be patient, because even this quasi happy state of being would be excluded from the deal.....why should I fight for 3 monthly or 6 monthly meetings, why fight for what is not present, what would make it worthwhile?

Ramblings - Stupidity

I still want him....but its bearable for now, and anyway I am unwell...think I may have to leave work soon.....I am not in a good place.

I had some time to think, and I realised that I should be thanking him for how he has chosen to deal with this thing. I have determined that he is fully aware of how caught up I am and is seeking to protect me from my damn self and maybe I should tip my hat to him for not allowing me to destroy my relationship, my reality, in pursuit of this fantasy.

When I think back on the him I knew prior to now I realise that he is waaaay out of my league.....I am a simple girl, I have simple likes, simple dislikes, simple feelings....the world is black and white for me...but he is......much bigger. As I thought about the presentation he gave at the Conference, the only representative from the sand and sea side of the world who was asked to speak at that level, the respect they gave him; the potential to use him as the voice of an entire block of peoples....its a lot....he is much bigger than I could ever dream to be or put aside my laziness to accomplish....can I blame him for seemingly seeking to trade up to my boss....she is much bigger too. I will take what I was able to get from him and I will accept the inevitable end.

I think he wants her.....I was target practice for the real game. In my black and white world I can't help but feel like I am running way down the order on his list of extra marital affairs and I have never liked second place....you simply don't act this way if you want something....you grab it at every opportunity, you hold it close, you protect it, you don't flirt with other people in the presence of her, you don't, not call....I have made it too easy for him to dismiss me.

I am not angry....a little hurt maybe, but definitely not raging bull angry as I usually get.....I am and have been a silly girl...to think I could actually hold on to him, I can't even hold a conversation with him.