I am PMSing and so am reeeeeally depressed right now....it seems only yesterday I was sharing a post on this issue.....I guess time flies when you are well.....Not a good day as evidenced by my continued disregard for Caesar's time as I post updates to this blog.
I am thinking about a job change......this would be a good idea if only it wouldn't appear as though I am running away from myself, from him and now my boss.
I was stark raving mad on Tuesday, I won't go into details.....partly because I am a little embarrassed about my behaviour and partly because it shows how much I've not matured.......when I was growing up I had the worst temper you could imagine...people literally feared me....I fought...a lot .......in primary school (not sure what that is for the rest of the world but its where you spend ages 5 to 11 or 12) I would fight kids younger than me, older than me, boys, girls...you name it I would smack them silly if they crossed me...of course it helped having a big brother on the compound should the task prove too overwhelming.
This affliction carried over into my high school years, only I had replaced my fists with my tongue and damn did it sting. I even affected a teacher so much that at a PTA meeting she told my mom that she didn't like how I looked at her......she was right too, I didn't like her and it showed....she was a bitch......she couldn't fault my school work...but for French which I must admit to having being left behind in since second form (8th grade fro some of you).....but she would pick on me a lot....but I had a way with my peers and could orchestrate any interruptions to her class I wanted, so we played a game of "who's really in control" on many occasions.
Forgive me, I digressed....... as I made it through University however, and in my formative working years I became a lot more tolerant of people....it really would take something serious to get me pissed the way I used to......and I was glad for it....I had grown up...finally. A part of me always missed that me though.
Anyway, Tuesday I was so upset that I couldn't even mask it...I would pass people and instantly they would ask what's wrong......my young colleague was also unfortunate to have not picked up on the obvious signs...the errors of youth...and I lashed at him so much that I had to apologise and ask him to leave me be for a while....I was still vexed in the morning so I knew I had to focus energy on caging this self so that some semblance of normalcy could be returned...... isn't it uncanny that people see you and just assume you will take and take and take all their bullshit...... until one day you straighten them out and you are the one in the hot water because the person holds your fate in there hands.
For those of you wondering, I should interject here and say that it wasn't him who had pissed me off...it was a challenge to my intelligence and work image which spawned the monster. It was so bad that a senior colleague of mine when he came to check on me, felt safer to do so with only his head in the door for fear hat he wouldn't be able to escape if he had come in further......So yes...I was stark raving mad. I was saddened as I realised that i had not progressed as much as I thought I had in this area.
My other obstacle in this endeavour for change is that I don't interview well....I mean I reeeeally don't interview well. I get nervous and my mind goes to mush. I know I am a bit too old for that but its me, and I also know that the only way to get over it is to practice, practice, practice but man its hard. I have been thinking about starting my own company...I love cars and all the bits that make them up......I also love photography but can't take a good picture to save my life....and of course I haven't made my first $10Million yet so to leave work to study photography isn't an option......it would be nice though to feed my creative side for a change.....so many people I know manage to deal in both worlds, having their 9-5 and expressing themselves in one creative mold or another...for cash......but I was never a multitasker unless it has to do with sex...and that profession is not where I want it to be as yet...legalize it I say...legalize it.....make it respectable then I would have no difficulty...I would be out of here so fast it would make my head spin.
I need to move out of my boss' shadow though....we are two creative beings heading to a showdown......in a battle that I cannot win...she is brighter than a motha...effer...so my only option may be to carve out my own niche elsewhere. Did I mention that it would be good to also get away from this man...I don't trust myself around him...hell I don't even know myself around him.....Hmmmmm.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Almost Caught
The heart pounds, the mind rambles as you scan the premises for a good place....if only you could hide behind a former self.
You hope and pray he hadn't glimpsed you, you cross you fingers and toes in hopes that today would not be the day to deal. In an instant you convince yourself that you have escaped, you've made it, then as you are about to unveil yourself again, having hoped you had been successful in assuming chamaeleonlike characteristics and blended into the concrete, you realise that he's still there...waiting.
You can't turn back now....damn why didn't you drive over, you scold......the distance is lessening, what will you say, how will you act, ten more feet and you will have to swallow the lump in your throat and actually speak......where is your saviour you wonder, let something, someone, anything intercept him, intercept you.....it doesn't matter who or what.....You see a colleague you concentrate on moving him through telekinesis to your side...it doesn't work....you call out Hi.....he stops, thank goodness, you shake hands and socially embrace, and you realise that you are saved...you look over his shoulder and realize that he has gone....whew.
You think to yourself that that was too close.....and you hope that you will only have to deal like this on very few more occasions, until you are healed......for now you are calm because the coward you are lives to fight another day.
You hope and pray he hadn't glimpsed you, you cross you fingers and toes in hopes that today would not be the day to deal. In an instant you convince yourself that you have escaped, you've made it, then as you are about to unveil yourself again, having hoped you had been successful in assuming chamaeleonlike characteristics and blended into the concrete, you realise that he's still there...waiting.
You can't turn back now....damn why didn't you drive over, you scold......the distance is lessening, what will you say, how will you act, ten more feet and you will have to swallow the lump in your throat and actually speak......where is your saviour you wonder, let something, someone, anything intercept him, intercept you.....it doesn't matter who or what.....You see a colleague you concentrate on moving him through telekinesis to your side...it doesn't work....you call out Hi.....he stops, thank goodness, you shake hands and socially embrace, and you realise that you are saved...you look over his shoulder and realize that he has gone....whew.
You think to yourself that that was too close.....and you hope that you will only have to deal like this on very few more occasions, until you are healed......for now you are calm because the coward you are lives to fight another day.
Truth
September 27, 2007
This is my moment of truth. I will release my shackled mind and unleash the worrisome ramblings trapped therein.
Its 9:19 at night , and I am almost there. One more day and I would have accomplished my goal. The fact that he hasn't called undoubtedly made it easier to get through this week, but the fact that I have sat on my hands and barred them from the telephone key pad has also played its part in making this sweeter...safer.
He hasn't called. All my thoughts have been filled with this reality. It was just a ploy.
I think I am safe? Right?.....Can he use Monday against me?......Did I give up too much ground?.....Did I show too much of me?....Does he now know how much I .......care. have I answered my own question? Is this the concretization of the end?
I am glad I didn't rush my actions this time...I did not seize the moment and make the second move. One more 24 hrs. and I will be able to, in a rare display, fly my victory flag instead of hanging my head in oppressed surrender.
This is my moment of truth. I will release my shackled mind and unleash the worrisome ramblings trapped therein.
Its 9:19 at night , and I am almost there. One more day and I would have accomplished my goal. The fact that he hasn't called undoubtedly made it easier to get through this week, but the fact that I have sat on my hands and barred them from the telephone key pad has also played its part in making this sweeter...safer.
He hasn't called. All my thoughts have been filled with this reality. It was just a ploy.
I think I am safe? Right?.....Can he use Monday against me?......Did I give up too much ground?.....Did I show too much of me?....Does he now know how much I .......care. have I answered my own question? Is this the concretization of the end?
I am glad I didn't rush my actions this time...I did not seize the moment and make the second move. One more 24 hrs. and I will be able to, in a rare display, fly my victory flag instead of hanging my head in oppressed surrender.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Revelations
I was agitated upon entering my Office today....I had conversed with myself the better part of the pre-arrival period about my deadlines which had slipped and the cause for same, the anger I have been displaying without control and the need for me to return to a prosperous and productive self.
As I started my day, my focus was diminished by the the usual culprit and I was caught again exploring the contents of this blog. The phone rang and it dawned on me that I needed to actually get 10 things done today, and so I will, after this.
I turned off my air conditioning unit and was surprised at I what heard......I enjoyed a symphony being offered by the birds outside my window....it was a beautiful medley and I reflected on how sweet the simple things are in this life. I took a walk outside and observed the sky, the hills and the lush trees which surrounded me, and I thought to myself that I was blessed to be a part of this wonderful creation.
As I started my day, my focus was diminished by the the usual culprit and I was caught again exploring the contents of this blog. The phone rang and it dawned on me that I needed to actually get 10 things done today, and so I will, after this.
I turned off my air conditioning unit and was surprised at I what heard......I enjoyed a symphony being offered by the birds outside my window....it was a beautiful medley and I reflected on how sweet the simple things are in this life. I took a walk outside and observed the sky, the hills and the lush trees which surrounded me, and I thought to myself that I was blessed to be a part of this wonderful creation.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Better Must Come
I will try tomorrow to post something without expletives....I have waded in these waters for too long...comfort is setting in and with it an unmistakable reluctance to exercise my mind more to express myself. 'Til the morrow.....when the sun is high and I show yet again that I am unconcerned with showing respect for company time.
Perceptions
"perception obsolete
A victim of a mind trapped in a past time having an expectation leading to frustration.Outdated hidden images, a mind's rustic pages,requires full updating; a different understanding.
Take the distance that you now see,multiply it by a factor of three.Redefine the words you used to once describe the ones you choose to keep in the space of your mind and then, only then, will you find that the disappointment you consistently suffer will begin to lessen and be buffered by the logic of change that is so constant...constant!... and yet the mind is so scant in its dose of this factor, it continues to hold to a previous mold.
Force it to accept the inevitability,and feed it with reality".
I borrowed this poem from theraeven (can I legally do that?) Anyhow, when I first read it, it struck a chord....lets just say that its striking a whole string section now. I commented then that the concept of reality was vulnerable, and indeed influenced by how much truth our systems could manage.....as I have said before, we all have our little lies we live......it makes it easier to deal.
Now, however I am thinking I should leave no space for error, thoughts or otherwise, I will interpret it in its most literal sense so that I am somewhat saved. I am tired of interpreting stuff...its hard, and of course it hurts when you get it wrong. My Boogie always tells me that I am too consumed with trying to establish a world in which hurt from love is obliterated. I just think you can get hurt even when you are not in love so why complicate it and open yourself up for worse pain......the cool breeze that is Love can sometimes be a freaking hurricane, so why not beware?
I thought last night about how much I had allowed myself to forget about the beginning of love......it simply hurts too much......the uncertainty, the misconceptions, the knowledge that the ground you had is slipping......the anger....all are parts of the hold of love......but this is not what I want....
I have searched high and low (maybe not so low) for a bed buddy.....someone to mess with on those days, someone who does not stray into your thoughts unless its about getting a little sumpn' sumpn', someone who shares an understanding of our places in the scheme of things........someone I can undress when Boogie is being a son of a bitch over whatever...someone I have absolutely no connection with...is that so bad?
A victim of a mind trapped in a past time having an expectation leading to frustration.Outdated hidden images, a mind's rustic pages,requires full updating; a different understanding.
Take the distance that you now see,multiply it by a factor of three.Redefine the words you used to once describe the ones you choose to keep in the space of your mind and then, only then, will you find that the disappointment you consistently suffer will begin to lessen and be buffered by the logic of change that is so constant...constant!... and yet the mind is so scant in its dose of this factor, it continues to hold to a previous mold.
Force it to accept the inevitability,and feed it with reality".
I borrowed this poem from theraeven (can I legally do that?) Anyhow, when I first read it, it struck a chord....lets just say that its striking a whole string section now. I commented then that the concept of reality was vulnerable, and indeed influenced by how much truth our systems could manage.....as I have said before, we all have our little lies we live......it makes it easier to deal.
Now, however I am thinking I should leave no space for error, thoughts or otherwise, I will interpret it in its most literal sense so that I am somewhat saved. I am tired of interpreting stuff...its hard, and of course it hurts when you get it wrong. My Boogie always tells me that I am too consumed with trying to establish a world in which hurt from love is obliterated. I just think you can get hurt even when you are not in love so why complicate it and open yourself up for worse pain......the cool breeze that is Love can sometimes be a freaking hurricane, so why not beware?
I thought last night about how much I had allowed myself to forget about the beginning of love......it simply hurts too much......the uncertainty, the misconceptions, the knowledge that the ground you had is slipping......the anger....all are parts of the hold of love......but this is not what I want....
I have searched high and low (maybe not so low) for a bed buddy.....someone to mess with on those days, someone who does not stray into your thoughts unless its about getting a little sumpn' sumpn', someone who shares an understanding of our places in the scheme of things........someone I can undress when Boogie is being a son of a bitch over whatever...someone I have absolutely no connection with...is that so bad?
Monday, September 24, 2007
Breakthrough
Wouldn't you know it...the day I decide to stop taking his calls is the day he decides to flip the script and pop in for a visit. God Damn It. I am getting tired of the games fate continues to play in this matter. Yep, today was my day to deal face to face.
Its amazing, in my thoughts and certainly in this blog I have been able to articulate what I want to say to this man, but somehow when he is near I think of his feelings first....how silly....I wished I were angry, because then I wouldn't have to try to find pretty words and ways of saying them, I could just be me and let loose the string of unsavoury 'enunciations' which would echo behaviour unbecoming of a 'lady'. But nope, I wasn't that girl today....I was a wounded bird.
As he sat beside me half hour into his visit teasing my brain with mundane work related issues......which I now realise was a feeble attempt to steel his own nerve.....I felt my anticipation build...I expected the worse. My blood pressure rose and I could feel a headache coming on, as he delved deeper into matters of State and all I could think was that he had something BIG to say. I let him ramble on however, "cause mi did a try play it cool". In a weak moment I made eye contact and was perplexed by what I saw in the depths of his eyes and I knew that he was here to say the "fuck off" I had requested, wanted , pleaded for.
When he started a fifth matter I lost patience. I asked that he stop for a minute, and tell me why he was really here, because the matters we were discussing could have been dealt with through a letter of some sort. I realised that my tone was betraying the depth of my anger so I took a minute and asked if he would like something to drink.....he said yes and I left my Office (happy for the reprieve) to organise same.
When we were watered I looked at him and said "Well, lets have it". He looked puzzled but I brushed it away thinking he was just being unnecessarily cruel. I was aware that my colleagues would soon return from lunch so if it is that I would be crying after he had said his piece I would need room to deal without anyone really knowing (we tend to work very closely, from the same Office even, when the work heat is on).
I told him that I had never imagined that any situation would leave him at a loss for words, so lets not try to waste any further time. He stood then and for a moment he scared me just a little. He took the seat next to me and asked where I found time to devise all the error thoughts I was able to deliver. I was thrown off. "Que", I asked. He went on to ask how it was that I had nutured my skepticism to so engulf me on this matter. "Que"...I asked again. Why are you so pigheaded, he blurted out. Needless to say, I lost it.
The string of combination expletives erupted from my mouth as if I were possessed by a tractor trailer driver who was fathered by a sailor. "What the fuck is wrong with you" I ended. "Isn't it enough that you have fucked with me for so long and gained the upper hand each time....give me a motherfucking break"...I added. I sounded crazy, even to me......thankfully my inner voice stemmed the melt down and I asked him, through clenched teeth, and glazed over eyes, to give me a minute. I recovered and was a little more coherent....I simply told him I had had enough....I couldn't deal....I can't get what I want, no, he wont give me what I wanted...so I wished to wave my white flag and surrender at this time.
There was silence......
He took my hand, and I reluctantly let him. In a mild attempt at lightening the mood, he said he was happy to see that the fire in me was not yet extinguished. He kissed the back of my hand, and I could feel my anger give way somewhat to a different fire. I yanked it away.....I asked him to just say what he wanted to say and go. He cupped my chin and lifted my head so that our eyes could meet....he shook his head and said that he was sorry he started this...my heart fell, and I could feel the tears gather in my eyes but I knew I had to be strong. ....the last thing I wanted was to also have him witness me crying.
He said he knew from the first day we met that I was someone he could have a deep connection with, and that he had succeeded in not placing himself at risk for so long, but that night....as we spoke about life and love and lust, he knew that he couldn't stop the flow. He was mindful, he said though, of the fact that I had shared certain tenets which guided my life and near the top of that list was my not wanting to get involved with a married man again. He said he respected that so he knew he had to put the brakes on.
I took advantage of the pause to tell him to go fuck himself....to think that he could pull bullshit like this and have it appear as though this battle has not been one sided was insulting to me, and I told him as much. I asked that he desist from painting a fucked up picture which was aimed at ensuring that after telling me to fuck off, he would have erected a revolving door through which he could always waltz. Be straight with me I asked. I saw hurt in his eyes as he rose to his feet, he looked at me and shook his head again, and said goodbye.
My relief was short lived as I realised that he had still managed not to put an end to the matter. As I gathered myself and prepared my mind to battle through some real work, I could no longer hold my tears. I fought a good battle though, and was doing well until I saw his number light up on my phone.....I rejected the call. He called again 5 mins later, and I did the same. While I regained some level of conscious thought sufficient to take me through some of my projects.....I heard a knock on the door. Like a reflex I asked the person to enter.....it was him... I jested and gave an exacerbated retort "always have to give the knife that last turn right".
"Ms....." he started, " I could have left things as they are, but I will not". He moved so quickly then that I was wrapped in his arms before I knew it.....did I ever tell you that he has a strong and powerful tongue and kiss?........well he does so I melted into it and him with much hunger. We devoured each other and I found my hand straying to that familiar place...but he stopped me then....he hiked up my skirt and pressed his body against mine and I could feel his arousal.....God I wanted to give in and just fuck him on company time in my Office with a door to which I had no key.....God he felt soooo good, he tasted soooo gooood......In the heat of this moment my phone rang and I knew that special ring (its amazing how men know when their pussy is about to be given away), it was my Boogie.....I was distracted then and released me very shakily.
I answered with as much control as I could......"yeah babe", I said hoping it would sting him.
He mouthed goodbye and I gave him the "how could you" look. He took a pen and scribbled something and left it on my desk......I read it and was saddened as I saw the "I WANT YOU" inscribed thereon. The tears welled up again and I panicked not knowing what it all meant. Was this a new beginning or the concretization of the end
Its amazing, in my thoughts and certainly in this blog I have been able to articulate what I want to say to this man, but somehow when he is near I think of his feelings first....how silly....I wished I were angry, because then I wouldn't have to try to find pretty words and ways of saying them, I could just be me and let loose the string of unsavoury 'enunciations' which would echo behaviour unbecoming of a 'lady'. But nope, I wasn't that girl today....I was a wounded bird.
As he sat beside me half hour into his visit teasing my brain with mundane work related issues......which I now realise was a feeble attempt to steel his own nerve.....I felt my anticipation build...I expected the worse. My blood pressure rose and I could feel a headache coming on, as he delved deeper into matters of State and all I could think was that he had something BIG to say. I let him ramble on however, "cause mi did a try play it cool". In a weak moment I made eye contact and was perplexed by what I saw in the depths of his eyes and I knew that he was here to say the "fuck off" I had requested, wanted , pleaded for.
When he started a fifth matter I lost patience. I asked that he stop for a minute, and tell me why he was really here, because the matters we were discussing could have been dealt with through a letter of some sort. I realised that my tone was betraying the depth of my anger so I took a minute and asked if he would like something to drink.....he said yes and I left my Office (happy for the reprieve) to organise same.
When we were watered I looked at him and said "Well, lets have it". He looked puzzled but I brushed it away thinking he was just being unnecessarily cruel. I was aware that my colleagues would soon return from lunch so if it is that I would be crying after he had said his piece I would need room to deal without anyone really knowing (we tend to work very closely, from the same Office even, when the work heat is on).
I told him that I had never imagined that any situation would leave him at a loss for words, so lets not try to waste any further time. He stood then and for a moment he scared me just a little. He took the seat next to me and asked where I found time to devise all the error thoughts I was able to deliver. I was thrown off. "Que", I asked. He went on to ask how it was that I had nutured my skepticism to so engulf me on this matter. "Que"...I asked again. Why are you so pigheaded, he blurted out. Needless to say, I lost it.
The string of combination expletives erupted from my mouth as if I were possessed by a tractor trailer driver who was fathered by a sailor. "What the fuck is wrong with you" I ended. "Isn't it enough that you have fucked with me for so long and gained the upper hand each time....give me a motherfucking break"...I added. I sounded crazy, even to me......thankfully my inner voice stemmed the melt down and I asked him, through clenched teeth, and glazed over eyes, to give me a minute. I recovered and was a little more coherent....I simply told him I had had enough....I couldn't deal....I can't get what I want, no, he wont give me what I wanted...so I wished to wave my white flag and surrender at this time.
There was silence......
He took my hand, and I reluctantly let him. In a mild attempt at lightening the mood, he said he was happy to see that the fire in me was not yet extinguished. He kissed the back of my hand, and I could feel my anger give way somewhat to a different fire. I yanked it away.....I asked him to just say what he wanted to say and go. He cupped my chin and lifted my head so that our eyes could meet....he shook his head and said that he was sorry he started this...my heart fell, and I could feel the tears gather in my eyes but I knew I had to be strong. ....the last thing I wanted was to also have him witness me crying.
He said he knew from the first day we met that I was someone he could have a deep connection with, and that he had succeeded in not placing himself at risk for so long, but that night....as we spoke about life and love and lust, he knew that he couldn't stop the flow. He was mindful, he said though, of the fact that I had shared certain tenets which guided my life and near the top of that list was my not wanting to get involved with a married man again. He said he respected that so he knew he had to put the brakes on.
I took advantage of the pause to tell him to go fuck himself....to think that he could pull bullshit like this and have it appear as though this battle has not been one sided was insulting to me, and I told him as much. I asked that he desist from painting a fucked up picture which was aimed at ensuring that after telling me to fuck off, he would have erected a revolving door through which he could always waltz. Be straight with me I asked. I saw hurt in his eyes as he rose to his feet, he looked at me and shook his head again, and said goodbye.
My relief was short lived as I realised that he had still managed not to put an end to the matter. As I gathered myself and prepared my mind to battle through some real work, I could no longer hold my tears. I fought a good battle though, and was doing well until I saw his number light up on my phone.....I rejected the call. He called again 5 mins later, and I did the same. While I regained some level of conscious thought sufficient to take me through some of my projects.....I heard a knock on the door. Like a reflex I asked the person to enter.....it was him... I jested and gave an exacerbated retort "always have to give the knife that last turn right".
"Ms....." he started, " I could have left things as they are, but I will not". He moved so quickly then that I was wrapped in his arms before I knew it.....did I ever tell you that he has a strong and powerful tongue and kiss?........well he does so I melted into it and him with much hunger. We devoured each other and I found my hand straying to that familiar place...but he stopped me then....he hiked up my skirt and pressed his body against mine and I could feel his arousal.....God I wanted to give in and just fuck him on company time in my Office with a door to which I had no key.....God he felt soooo good, he tasted soooo gooood......In the heat of this moment my phone rang and I knew that special ring (its amazing how men know when their pussy is about to be given away), it was my Boogie.....I was distracted then and released me very shakily.
I answered with as much control as I could......"yeah babe", I said hoping it would sting him.
He mouthed goodbye and I gave him the "how could you" look. He took a pen and scribbled something and left it on my desk......I read it and was saddened as I saw the "I WANT YOU" inscribed thereon. The tears welled up again and I panicked not knowing what it all meant. Was this a new beginning or the concretization of the end
Lessons
I am committed this week to not answering any of his calls...hope he doesn't pull a fast one and call from a blocked/private number.
I am reading a useful book of Zen Lessons, "The Art of Leadership", and one of these lessons provides a guide to Mastering the Mind.
Master Yuan said to Wuzu:
I am reading a useful book of Zen Lessons, "The Art of Leadership", and one of these lessons provides a guide to Mastering the Mind.
Master Yuan said to Wuzu:
" Mind is the master of one body, the basis of myriad activities; if the mind is not perfectly enlightened, then delusions naturally arise.
Once delusions are born, perception of truth is not clear. When perception of truth is not clear, right and wrong are confused.
Therefore, in mastering the mind, one must seek perfect enlightenment.
When enlightened, the spirit is harmonious, the breath is quiet, the countenance is dignified, and the body is firm. Errant conceptions and emotional thinking all melt in the real mind. When you govern the mind this way, the mind will naturally be radiantly immaculate.
After this, if you guide people who are lost and confused, who would not follow the teaching?"
True Record of Fushan
Control of mind, leads to control of body and therefore control of total self...I will strive to live this.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
THOUGHTS
I meditated on two things today.....the first was a simple thought which I thought would yield complex answers and the second was my J'can People.
Thought 1
How much truth do people tell in their blogs?
Using my own experience, I arrived at 80%...there are still some things that we clutch to our chests...those things that, if you were to see in cold hard black and white, would reveal too much.....would make you unpalatable.....yeah those thoughts/experiences which it is felt would rock the souls of readers and, God Forbid, the impact if the shroud of anonymity were breached. Does it matter though....this is therapy? Right?
My therapy these days seem to be a combination of things which ultimately don't work but to stop engaging in them would leave too much to chance. A little writing, a little wining, a little alcohol, and a little cannabis. I thought about expressing this thought in my native tongue.....di real patois........but the I realise seh it woulda probably be unwise, cause di real lesson wouldn't forward pan all di people dem weh out deh.
When I get an opportunity to be with my peoples I grasp it with both hands......I like people sometimes. The opportunity was given me to sit in on a man an' man round table. There were 5 men including my Boogie. I watched as they reverently prepared the herbal refreshment, chopping it up and feeling it fall through their finger tips, always sniffing the sweet aroma.
They cleansed the Chalice (bong for non yardie readers).....it was like watching some ancient ritual to induct a young boy into the realm of manhood...as they filled the pipe, I observed keenly the caressing of the herb......it was like securing a virgin lover. Then the bless up was done. When I registered surprise, I was informed that the smoking of a Chalice was sacred.....it was the outward manifestation of love for Jah and the vehicle through which man is able to find clarity, through reverence for the creator. What was intriguing was that despite the first general blessing, each man would bless the pipe again....I guess seeking guidance from God for their own problems.
When it reached me I quickly advised that half a spliff (joint) was just about all I could manage.....they hooked me up. I know this may seem backward but as the reasoning commenced I found myself participating in spurts. At first I thought I was too high, but then I realised that I was overly conscious of the role of the man according to several religious teachings.....I allowed the men to ramble on without much interruption because I knew that men needed to feel free in their space...after all I was just visitor.
The reasonings spanned politics, cricket, football, the US President ( specifically, his reference to Nelson Mandela as dead), money, the future of man (youths, the next generation) the weakened parenting structure and the importance of courtesy in this life. I left that session feeling like my own problems were minimal given the work to be done in the real world.....for now, this is profound to me, a valuable lesson, to be remembered when my demons start to haunt again.
I could hear these words on the drive home "Oh plead my Cause oh Jah, and let me stand firm, when the wicked rise up against the I. Order my steps oh Jah...." . Order my steps.
Thought 1
How much truth do people tell in their blogs?
Using my own experience, I arrived at 80%...there are still some things that we clutch to our chests...those things that, if you were to see in cold hard black and white, would reveal too much.....would make you unpalatable.....yeah those thoughts/experiences which it is felt would rock the souls of readers and, God Forbid, the impact if the shroud of anonymity were breached. Does it matter though....this is therapy? Right?
My therapy these days seem to be a combination of things which ultimately don't work but to stop engaging in them would leave too much to chance. A little writing, a little wining, a little alcohol, and a little cannabis. I thought about expressing this thought in my native tongue.....di real patois........but the I realise seh it woulda probably be unwise, cause di real lesson wouldn't forward pan all di people dem weh out deh.
When I get an opportunity to be with my peoples I grasp it with both hands......I like people sometimes. The opportunity was given me to sit in on a man an' man round table. There were 5 men including my Boogie. I watched as they reverently prepared the herbal refreshment, chopping it up and feeling it fall through their finger tips, always sniffing the sweet aroma.
They cleansed the Chalice (bong for non yardie readers).....it was like watching some ancient ritual to induct a young boy into the realm of manhood...as they filled the pipe, I observed keenly the caressing of the herb......it was like securing a virgin lover. Then the bless up was done. When I registered surprise, I was informed that the smoking of a Chalice was sacred.....it was the outward manifestation of love for Jah and the vehicle through which man is able to find clarity, through reverence for the creator. What was intriguing was that despite the first general blessing, each man would bless the pipe again....I guess seeking guidance from God for their own problems.
When it reached me I quickly advised that half a spliff (joint) was just about all I could manage.....they hooked me up. I know this may seem backward but as the reasoning commenced I found myself participating in spurts. At first I thought I was too high, but then I realised that I was overly conscious of the role of the man according to several religious teachings.....I allowed the men to ramble on without much interruption because I knew that men needed to feel free in their space...after all I was just visitor.
The reasonings spanned politics, cricket, football, the US President ( specifically, his reference to Nelson Mandela as dead), money, the future of man (youths, the next generation) the weakened parenting structure and the importance of courtesy in this life. I left that session feeling like my own problems were minimal given the work to be done in the real world.....for now, this is profound to me, a valuable lesson, to be remembered when my demons start to haunt again.
I could hear these words on the drive home "Oh plead my Cause oh Jah, and let me stand firm, when the wicked rise up against the I. Order my steps oh Jah...." . Order my steps.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Encountering James Bond
Yesterday was a bad day, a weird day too. He called in the afternoon to apologise for using me as a go between, he implored however that I think about why he did it....and has been doing it. I told him that I couldn't find the keys to unlock the espionage type actions and words he seemed bent on utilizing. I am no "Pussy Galore" or "Dr. No", so I told him I was not in a good mood so he should either be straight with me or tell me the Fuck Off I needed to hear.
He was saved by the beep then....I had to take a call, so we said goodbye with a promise that he would call me later. I beat him to it. I called at a dangerous time I know, fortunately my hurdle was not his family but his involvement in some engagement or the other....I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice when I said bye.
I forced my eyes shut and willed myself to sleep at 2:00 a.m. this morning, he was with me in thought all that time.....I chastised myself for it. Tears came but somehow did not flow as I thought about his uncanny ability to know when my cup was running over with difficulty dealing with this thing, and his cruelty to compound the problem with his perplexing displays of nondescript affection, which serves only one purpose, to catapult me into a tailspin of thoughts and reasonings as I try to decipher the 'truth'...... Somehow when I thought of him wearing me out it was never like this, it involved a lot more pleasure with some pain (love hurts a little when done right).....I am tired
He was saved by the beep then....I had to take a call, so we said goodbye with a promise that he would call me later. I beat him to it. I called at a dangerous time I know, fortunately my hurdle was not his family but his involvement in some engagement or the other....I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice when I said bye.
I forced my eyes shut and willed myself to sleep at 2:00 a.m. this morning, he was with me in thought all that time.....I chastised myself for it. Tears came but somehow did not flow as I thought about his uncanny ability to know when my cup was running over with difficulty dealing with this thing, and his cruelty to compound the problem with his perplexing displays of nondescript affection, which serves only one purpose, to catapult me into a tailspin of thoughts and reasonings as I try to decipher the 'truth'...... Somehow when I thought of him wearing me out it was never like this, it involved a lot more pleasure with some pain (love hurts a little when done right).....I am tired
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Shrew Requiring Taming
I was a petulant child today....again.
He called for my boss again on my phone, this time I was alone. Before he could get the words out I advised that I was not with her and made it clear that calling her on my phone was a definate no no....he laughed and that's when I got fired up....I told him that he had two roads ahead given the information shared, he could either stop wasting my fucking time and hang up since he didn't call for me, or he and I could pretend that he did and get some fuck talk in before returning to our lives. He was quiet so I made the decision for him....I hung up. How can I recover any professionalism now.
Damn I hate when I am like this....I don't think with my head, I give in to the prompting of the burning fire within me and it all goes to shit... and it feels good until the fire is extinguished by thoughts of the possible consequencies.
He called for my boss again on my phone, this time I was alone. Before he could get the words out I advised that I was not with her and made it clear that calling her on my phone was a definate no no....he laughed and that's when I got fired up....I told him that he had two roads ahead given the information shared, he could either stop wasting my fucking time and hang up since he didn't call for me, or he and I could pretend that he did and get some fuck talk in before returning to our lives. He was quiet so I made the decision for him....I hung up. How can I recover any professionalism now.
Damn I hate when I am like this....I don't think with my head, I give in to the prompting of the burning fire within me and it all goes to shit... and it feels good until the fire is extinguished by thoughts of the possible consequencies.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Ramblings 5
Invariably I move on a self destructing path.....My circuit overloaded by memories and wishes, hopes and fantasies......
Remaining still is an option advocated by my lucid mind....Giving in is the chime I hear when I lay my head at night........Beautifully synchronised bodies is what my blueprint unfolds.....Remarkably clad in overtones of pleasurable splendor......Oooowws and aahhs are the rumblings I hear from the pit of my stomach and chasing them is the question of who.....
Who pulls your strings, who saps strength while giving same to you, who cherishes the moments of memorable youth when total trust was a part of your spirit, who recognises the little girl in the corner of your mind, who makes her reach for Daddy, who stills her heart...uncovers her passion in the way he taught....lessons of taste and patient painful indulgence echo in the back of your mind bringing to the forefront the times when.....you knew who?
But in an instant of clarity you realise that it is not enough......when you no longer care.....when you connect the dots which were always there manifest in the doubts and empty joy after the glow.......manifest in the unanswered questions you never found the nerve to ask....manifesting the weakness of an unholy union.
In an instant you also realise that those prayers of yours have been answered, when you look around and breathe in the changes and the task remains for you to walk through the door.
Remaining still is an option advocated by my lucid mind....Giving in is the chime I hear when I lay my head at night........Beautifully synchronised bodies is what my blueprint unfolds.....Remarkably clad in overtones of pleasurable splendor......Oooowws and aahhs are the rumblings I hear from the pit of my stomach and chasing them is the question of who.....
Who pulls your strings, who saps strength while giving same to you, who cherishes the moments of memorable youth when total trust was a part of your spirit, who recognises the little girl in the corner of your mind, who makes her reach for Daddy, who stills her heart...uncovers her passion in the way he taught....lessons of taste and patient painful indulgence echo in the back of your mind bringing to the forefront the times when.....you knew who?
But in an instant of clarity you realise that it is not enough......when you no longer care.....when you connect the dots which were always there manifest in the doubts and empty joy after the glow.......manifest in the unanswered questions you never found the nerve to ask....manifesting the weakness of an unholy union.
In an instant you also realise that those prayers of yours have been answered, when you look around and breathe in the changes and the task remains for you to walk through the door.
Rolling Over Again
I thought I had let go of some of my demons, I was wrong. I've had a productive morning and early afternoon so I have no reason to feel too guilty about blogging on company time, so I will reveal myself to the world in lieu of a similar revelation to my point of interest in this forever struggle.
Yesterday I was pissed, he pissed me off so much that I am amazed that I managed to do as well as I did as I sat with my boss and colleague. He called for my boss, who is female, on my phone. I guess under normal circumstances I would have had no difficulty with this, and I must confess to having had to field calls for her on my phone before, but yesterday as I thought about how I burned with unquenched desire for him on the weekend, I couln't believe that this was all I got.....I was livid. His preamble, though I was consumed and not listening too much, seemed to convey having experienced difficulty with making contact through the usual channels..... as if I gave a f--k.....but I assured him it was fine, and hoped my tone was filled with sufficient reasonableness, but the bile inside me rose to uncustomarily high levels and I had to blink it away as if it didn't matter. As I focused on saving face.
I guess it hurt a lot more than I expected. What exactly I expected is not yet clear to me. I get jealous very easily...insecurity is a bitch.....Maybe I expected a "how are you" or some other pleasantry. Why do I fly off the handle so much.....I hate that he has the ability to fuck with my head and emotions this much...the worst part is that I can't lash out at him.....I have to try to be mature and professional, when all I want to do is shake him and tell him some choice words so that he is fully aware of the fact that being fucked with is not a suit I wear well.
I can't believe I am doing this again.....I said it was over, I believe I am living it...but for a mind that keeps derailing my plans of action, and an uncontrollable spasm between my legs when he is near......I am doing it......I am bearing it all, I am fighting my battle with self because this is the crux of the contention.......I thought I was doing it...maybe not well, but doing it still......now I have to ask if this was ever real.
The motion picture that he is plays with relative ease in my thoughts and sometimes dreams.....he is nicer there.....I can mold him into anything I want then .....I just wish I could take advantage of him for a change, fuck with his head to the point of distraction, make him wonder why I have called for another on his cell phone, hear my name being whispered in his voice in the wind.....Oh how I wish I were beyond the point of caring.
Yesterday I was pissed, he pissed me off so much that I am amazed that I managed to do as well as I did as I sat with my boss and colleague. He called for my boss, who is female, on my phone. I guess under normal circumstances I would have had no difficulty with this, and I must confess to having had to field calls for her on my phone before, but yesterday as I thought about how I burned with unquenched desire for him on the weekend, I couln't believe that this was all I got.....I was livid. His preamble, though I was consumed and not listening too much, seemed to convey having experienced difficulty with making contact through the usual channels..... as if I gave a f--k.....but I assured him it was fine, and hoped my tone was filled with sufficient reasonableness, but the bile inside me rose to uncustomarily high levels and I had to blink it away as if it didn't matter. As I focused on saving face.
I guess it hurt a lot more than I expected. What exactly I expected is not yet clear to me. I get jealous very easily...insecurity is a bitch.....Maybe I expected a "how are you" or some other pleasantry. Why do I fly off the handle so much.....I hate that he has the ability to fuck with my head and emotions this much...the worst part is that I can't lash out at him.....I have to try to be mature and professional, when all I want to do is shake him and tell him some choice words so that he is fully aware of the fact that being fucked with is not a suit I wear well.
I can't believe I am doing this again.....I said it was over, I believe I am living it...but for a mind that keeps derailing my plans of action, and an uncontrollable spasm between my legs when he is near......I am doing it......I am bearing it all, I am fighting my battle with self because this is the crux of the contention.......I thought I was doing it...maybe not well, but doing it still......now I have to ask if this was ever real.
The motion picture that he is plays with relative ease in my thoughts and sometimes dreams.....he is nicer there.....I can mold him into anything I want then .....I just wish I could take advantage of him for a change, fuck with his head to the point of distraction, make him wonder why I have called for another on his cell phone, hear my name being whispered in his voice in the wind.....Oh how I wish I were beyond the point of caring.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Pudgey- It hurts when I pee
I am Queen of the world this morning....nothing can get me down....I had my 'piece[s]' and I found peace and the world is brightly coloured by my release...and release...and release. The bell tolled for me yesterday (I will make no other references to bells given the unwanted change of course) and I stood before my lord and master...he had the whip.... and I served and served and was happy for the opportunity so to do.
I sit here now throbbing from over stimulation and extended use of limbs and other mounds of flesh, but I have a biiiiggg smile on my face and as I rustle around to find a comfortable seated position I am tickled even the more, to know that I think I could stand another round of fun....I always like to go that extra mile just to ensure that the job is done well, so if the intention is to "mash it up" then I am committed to doing just that and will not rest until no man is left standing, or sitting, laying, kneeling for that matter.
I will relish the day when I can return to an everyday workout programme......there are benefits to be had.....if I am constantly battered, bruised and swollen then I will have no need to wish for this man, I would have no energy to give unto him...I feel another plan of action coming on.
I sit here now throbbing from over stimulation and extended use of limbs and other mounds of flesh, but I have a biiiiggg smile on my face and as I rustle around to find a comfortable seated position I am tickled even the more, to know that I think I could stand another round of fun....I always like to go that extra mile just to ensure that the job is done well, so if the intention is to "mash it up" then I am committed to doing just that and will not rest until no man is left standing, or sitting, laying, kneeling for that matter.
I will relish the day when I can return to an everyday workout programme......there are benefits to be had.....if I am constantly battered, bruised and swollen then I will have no need to wish for this man, I would have no energy to give unto him...I feel another plan of action coming on.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Aaaaahhhhhhh
Good judgement prevailed, I channelled my energy into building the briefs assigned me in more ways than one. At the end of the day my 20 page brief was all but completed, I solved interpersonal and systemic problem inherent to the work space, but still I was not sated......my desire mounted and mounted the more I tried to deny myself and by the end of the day I was spent...exhausted from all the thinking I had done.
I took a drive to visit my Daddy....usually I could do this drive in 20 mins but I needed to cast out my demons so I drove at grandma pace and chastised myself all the way for feeling the way I did.....after 2 hrs of chat and dinner and chatting some more, I said goodbye. Its amazing, when I was growing up I can't remember my father speaking to me outside of punishment, general verbal abuse or articulating how he wanted things done, but now with age, he is more concerned with mellowing in the moment and revelling in the company...he talks...a lot. Anyway, I did the drive back feeling a little better but knowing that I was too bushed to think much more....Woohoo.
At home I had a shower and a glass of wine before settling into bed for the night. My boogie called and came over and we exorcised our demons to the point of weakness....thank God, I remember thinking, thank God for this release......I had forgotten the mutual benefits that could be derived from using one man to set the mood for another...it was great and well needed. I slept well.
I took a drive to visit my Daddy....usually I could do this drive in 20 mins but I needed to cast out my demons so I drove at grandma pace and chastised myself all the way for feeling the way I did.....after 2 hrs of chat and dinner and chatting some more, I said goodbye. Its amazing, when I was growing up I can't remember my father speaking to me outside of punishment, general verbal abuse or articulating how he wanted things done, but now with age, he is more concerned with mellowing in the moment and revelling in the company...he talks...a lot. Anyway, I did the drive back feeling a little better but knowing that I was too bushed to think much more....Woohoo.
At home I had a shower and a glass of wine before settling into bed for the night. My boogie called and came over and we exorcised our demons to the point of weakness....thank God, I remember thinking, thank God for this release......I had forgotten the mutual benefits that could be derived from using one man to set the mood for another...it was great and well needed. I slept well.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Briefs
I am trying to prepare briefs brought on by electoral changes in a time when I would much prefer removing briefs.
I am wading neck high in a pool of desire and indecision, and I wish it would pass. I want to send a message for permission to harass his person, but I will sit on my hands for now. I want to whisper sweet and vulgar nothings in his ears and check his pants for a response...but I cannot, I will not...he won't let me I am sure.
These are busy times and I should be exhuasted from the mere pressure of it all but I am energised by my longing, a need which has to be sated in order to restore focus.
I am wading neck high in a pool of desire and indecision, and I wish it would pass. I want to send a message for permission to harass his person, but I will sit on my hands for now. I want to whisper sweet and vulgar nothings in his ears and check his pants for a response...but I cannot, I will not...he won't let me I am sure.
These are busy times and I should be exhuasted from the mere pressure of it all but I am energised by my longing, a need which has to be sated in order to restore focus.
Feel(ings)
Today I am smitten with the need to feel.
To feel his hands on my body, his lips, his tongue, the back of his throat, the weight of his body on mine, the rhythm of his hips, the rigidity of his back as he reaches his climax, the pumping of his dick as his juices flow, the weight of his relaxed body thereafter....I want to feel him, feel me.
Today will be hard, I hope good sense prevails.
To feel his hands on my body, his lips, his tongue, the back of his throat, the weight of his body on mine, the rhythm of his hips, the rigidity of his back as he reaches his climax, the pumping of his dick as his juices flow, the weight of his relaxed body thereafter....I want to feel him, feel me.
Today will be hard, I hope good sense prevails.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Confessions
You may have noticed that I like to thank people for any assistance they provide. I believe in telling you now how I feel rather than waiting till your funeral to express my appreciation. This is a critical plank of my personality which sometimes makes me appear weak but that is of no moment because usually people find out pretty quickly that I am as honest with my other emotions.
That said, I went home early yesterday to prepare dinner for my boggie who had held my hand throughout my 4 days of ill health......ladies should recognise that we need to nurse our men's egos so that they feel appreciated and significant in our lives......I know sometimes doing this exposes too much of us but I will leave it to you to decide if who you are with is worthy of this revelation of trust and is responsible enough with it so as not to use it as a tool against you in future.....I hope that is clear, I am still unwell.
Anyway I made dinner, I lit candles and we shared a wonderful evening, with me thanking him for responding to my call for help instantaneously.....for asking and continuing to annoy me by asking the same questions over and over again; are you comfortable?; do you want soup?; how do you feel now?...2 minutes after I just told you...bad; what do you want me to do?, for rubbing my tummy and stroking my hair, for understanding when I started to snap about everything. I thanked him for being there...for being with me, always.
I awoke in the middle of the night to find him staring through the kitchen window....I didn't want to interrupt him so I watched. I watched him take deep breaths and then I knew he was crying...I wanted to run to him and hold him close but I panicked...I can't handle women crying around me, let alone men.....I couldn't handle my man crying (I will get into my interpretation of the Jamaican male in another post but lets just say that there are very few who cry).....I felt even worse because I knew that he was crying over me.
He has and had put up quite a convincing front about the discovery of my infidelity....he never mentioned the matter a second time, yes his actions showed that there was much thought being given to the issue, but he would never admit to being overly bothered. I guess we all have our little lies we try to live......I knew though that the matter was unfinished I just didn't know how to fix it.
As he crept back to bed, I pretended to be asleep and he kissed my forehead before curling up with his back to me. I gave it some time before snuggling in behind him and embracing him...I kissed his neck and his back before squeezing him as tight as I could and whispering I love you. He broke then and I had to deal....... I straddled him and removed his hands from his face as he tried to hide his tears and I rested my head on his chest and said I was sorry.....at that moment I realised that my pursuit for this other man was the effect of my inability to understand why our love was not enough for both of us......why we always seem to test it by engaging in flings which only serve to hurt each other......why we both couldn't just give in and have faith in the love we have.
We cried together, there were no more words....I fell asleep on him with his arms around me, he always had a knack with making me feel protected.....if only he could save me from myself too.
That said, I went home early yesterday to prepare dinner for my boggie who had held my hand throughout my 4 days of ill health......ladies should recognise that we need to nurse our men's egos so that they feel appreciated and significant in our lives......I know sometimes doing this exposes too much of us but I will leave it to you to decide if who you are with is worthy of this revelation of trust and is responsible enough with it so as not to use it as a tool against you in future.....I hope that is clear, I am still unwell.
Anyway I made dinner, I lit candles and we shared a wonderful evening, with me thanking him for responding to my call for help instantaneously.....for asking and continuing to annoy me by asking the same questions over and over again; are you comfortable?; do you want soup?; how do you feel now?...2 minutes after I just told you...bad; what do you want me to do?, for rubbing my tummy and stroking my hair, for understanding when I started to snap about everything. I thanked him for being there...for being with me, always.
I awoke in the middle of the night to find him staring through the kitchen window....I didn't want to interrupt him so I watched. I watched him take deep breaths and then I knew he was crying...I wanted to run to him and hold him close but I panicked...I can't handle women crying around me, let alone men.....I couldn't handle my man crying (I will get into my interpretation of the Jamaican male in another post but lets just say that there are very few who cry).....I felt even worse because I knew that he was crying over me.
He has and had put up quite a convincing front about the discovery of my infidelity....he never mentioned the matter a second time, yes his actions showed that there was much thought being given to the issue, but he would never admit to being overly bothered. I guess we all have our little lies we try to live......I knew though that the matter was unfinished I just didn't know how to fix it.
As he crept back to bed, I pretended to be asleep and he kissed my forehead before curling up with his back to me. I gave it some time before snuggling in behind him and embracing him...I kissed his neck and his back before squeezing him as tight as I could and whispering I love you. He broke then and I had to deal....... I straddled him and removed his hands from his face as he tried to hide his tears and I rested my head on his chest and said I was sorry.....at that moment I realised that my pursuit for this other man was the effect of my inability to understand why our love was not enough for both of us......why we always seem to test it by engaging in flings which only serve to hurt each other......why we both couldn't just give in and have faith in the love we have.
We cried together, there were no more words....I fell asleep on him with his arms around me, he always had a knack with making me feel protected.....if only he could save me from myself too.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Passion Uncovered
We fucked with each other via e-mail on the weekend. I was sick, and tired of being sick so I indulged myself. He called on Friday having ascertained from my Office that I was out sick. After exchange of the usual compassionate questions and an expression of a wish for wellness to be returned to me, he asked why I had not responded to an e-mail sent on Wednesday. I told him I was out at class on Wednesday evening and was struck down from then so answering e-mails did not assume its usual importance.
There was silence for a little and I expressed a weak wish to try to get some more sleep to aide in my recovery....we said goodbye.
In a rear moment of bearable pain later that night, I logged on and responded to a very interesting proposal from him. I highlighted that I had the tools necessary for what was being proposed and in fact could deliver a fine arsing myself if given the opportunity.....I made sure to underscore the fact that I would deliver both bitter and sweet so the aggravated spot would be cooled almost immediately with my tongue. I didn't expect an answer, given the hour and...his temperament...but I sent it nonetheless.
My ability to check for a response was hampered by a burning desire to find comfort in sleep so I was focused on chasing that dream for the rest of the night. On Saturday I was better but not well....my mood lifted as I found in my inbox one of the most overt expressions of interest he has ever managed to convey....As I sat deconstructing the content, I over analyzed I think, but came up with 2 interpretations.....he either really wanted to get together or, he was searching for an easy e-mail fix. I went with the latter given my condition and my knowledge that that might have been the safest option for me.
I described my ability to take charge of a man...I walked him through some of the things my tongue could do and left him with great imagery I think, of a session with me. Being the player he was, he did not respond...immediately, but when he did, it was succinct and very clear......I lied and told him to loosen up, because I had expected a stronger "pussy jump" response...I told him I would give him time to work on that though....I gave him another hint as well, I told him to relax, sit back, take his dick from his pants and ask it what it wanted and what would make it sustain a rise (this because I think any woman can get a man to stand up....but the woman who get him to mainatin that erection even in her absence, is someone special)?.....I told him to use the reaction he got from it to inform his response to me on the next occasion we meet in cyberspace. A risk I know, but what is life without a little risk.
Its pity that Monday is here and we have to get back to reality.
There was silence for a little and I expressed a weak wish to try to get some more sleep to aide in my recovery....we said goodbye.
In a rear moment of bearable pain later that night, I logged on and responded to a very interesting proposal from him. I highlighted that I had the tools necessary for what was being proposed and in fact could deliver a fine arsing myself if given the opportunity.....I made sure to underscore the fact that I would deliver both bitter and sweet so the aggravated spot would be cooled almost immediately with my tongue. I didn't expect an answer, given the hour and...his temperament...but I sent it nonetheless.
My ability to check for a response was hampered by a burning desire to find comfort in sleep so I was focused on chasing that dream for the rest of the night. On Saturday I was better but not well....my mood lifted as I found in my inbox one of the most overt expressions of interest he has ever managed to convey....As I sat deconstructing the content, I over analyzed I think, but came up with 2 interpretations.....he either really wanted to get together or, he was searching for an easy e-mail fix. I went with the latter given my condition and my knowledge that that might have been the safest option for me.
I described my ability to take charge of a man...I walked him through some of the things my tongue could do and left him with great imagery I think, of a session with me. Being the player he was, he did not respond...immediately, but when he did, it was succinct and very clear......I lied and told him to loosen up, because I had expected a stronger "pussy jump" response...I told him I would give him time to work on that though....I gave him another hint as well, I told him to relax, sit back, take his dick from his pants and ask it what it wanted and what would make it sustain a rise (this because I think any woman can get a man to stand up....but the woman who get him to mainatin that erection even in her absence, is someone special)?.....I told him to use the reaction he got from it to inform his response to me on the next occasion we meet in cyberspace. A risk I know, but what is life without a little risk.
Its pity that Monday is here and we have to get back to reality.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Ramblings 4
I am hopped up on pain killers and therefore don't expect to be held responsible for the comment I am about to make.
I have been locked in a battle with my body since Wednesday...unable to eat, sleep, have a lucid thought that did not involve some crude method of performing surgery on myself to get rid of the offending parts...unable to even walk upright....this was the extent of my suffering.....Methinks not only Adam got screwed on that faithful day in the garden of Eden.....yeah, Eve managed to F--k us all.
The excruciating pain women face on a monthly basis is just too much....and as if that weren't enough, some of us, like myself who has managed to reap the worst parts of this very horrible experience, have to claw our way the week before it starts through a roller coaster of emotions, backaches, headaches, nausea, depression, incoherence and a veritable inability to focus on the simplest of conversations. Why? Is sex really worth all this? How can a woman function and be productive when on some occasions in her life, the pain killers that used to work so well don't anymore without warning, and she is struck down for 4 days out of a week.
I am tired of having to live my life around my period.
What do we do when nothing works....the surgery, the verrrry expensive medication, prayer, do some women have to take a selfish decision to remove entirely the effective cause before enjoying one of life's most precious gifts. Decisions, Decisions.....I am weak and weary.
I have been locked in a battle with my body since Wednesday...unable to eat, sleep, have a lucid thought that did not involve some crude method of performing surgery on myself to get rid of the offending parts...unable to even walk upright....this was the extent of my suffering.....Methinks not only Adam got screwed on that faithful day in the garden of Eden.....yeah, Eve managed to F--k us all.
The excruciating pain women face on a monthly basis is just too much....and as if that weren't enough, some of us, like myself who has managed to reap the worst parts of this very horrible experience, have to claw our way the week before it starts through a roller coaster of emotions, backaches, headaches, nausea, depression, incoherence and a veritable inability to focus on the simplest of conversations. Why? Is sex really worth all this? How can a woman function and be productive when on some occasions in her life, the pain killers that used to work so well don't anymore without warning, and she is struck down for 4 days out of a week.
I am tired of having to live my life around my period.
What do we do when nothing works....the surgery, the verrrry expensive medication, prayer, do some women have to take a selfish decision to remove entirely the effective cause before enjoying one of life's most precious gifts. Decisions, Decisions.....I am weak and weary.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Self Destruction 2
Its 4:31 in the afternoon.....nothing yet...I continue to check, but I already know that I labour in vain. My eyes are wet with the emotion I feel...even now he breaks me....now when I have made up my mind and only have to suffer through the memories until they dissolve.....he breaks me when I fall, he has the entire knife drawer when it comes to me, not only the handles. I keep trying to make myself feel better by saying that the message sent really did not warrant a response....the courtesy of a response would be just that a courtesy.....I am two glasses of wine in the hole and I fear that it will soon be the bottle.....Damn...its Monday for crying out loud...how can I be drinking at 4 ish on a Monday?
He breaks me and I know not what to do....he fills my thoughts today and last night.....I made love to him in my mind last night as if he were the only lover in my life.....I played the roles I needed to play....the fantasy him was tender, caring and very flattering of my expertise, and I was consumed by his pleasure and it felt great.....I wish he could know that......but I know to have him find this out would reveal too much of me...for now I can continue to hold my head up high and exchange pleasantries when we meet in company and beat a speedy retreat once these meetings are done so as not to get caught in after conversations where opportunities for pandering can be exploited.
How foolish can I get to have risked undoing all the work done in the past few days, with a display of my inability to stave off indulging my feelings. I am again undone by self.
He breaks me and I know not what to do....he fills my thoughts today and last night.....I made love to him in my mind last night as if he were the only lover in my life.....I played the roles I needed to play....the fantasy him was tender, caring and very flattering of my expertise, and I was consumed by his pleasure and it felt great.....I wish he could know that......but I know to have him find this out would reveal too much of me...for now I can continue to hold my head up high and exchange pleasantries when we meet in company and beat a speedy retreat once these meetings are done so as not to get caught in after conversations where opportunities for pandering can be exploited.
How foolish can I get to have risked undoing all the work done in the past few days, with a display of my inability to stave off indulging my feelings. I am again undone by self.
Foolish Action
Despite my reasoned ramblings last night I have managed to carry over yesterday's low feeling into today.... I sent an e-mail expressing a wish for him to be safe today (it being election day)....I've had no response. I need more time....time to learn not to act on these emotions when I am engulfed....I need more time.
Listening to Self
Written September 2, 2007 - 9:00 p.m.
I impressed upon myself tonight the greater good to be sought….saving self. Today is not so good.
I delivered my pep talk from mind to heart and my tears fell. I told my self to be strong, I told my heart to let go because ‘It’ was wrong…my soul will be spared hell’s wrath if I just let go and repent now…..I told my heart that he did not then nor still now, care…I told it to be wise and forget…..there was nothing.
Through all this I heard it whimper, “I’m trying”…..I told it I understood and could see that but there was need to try harder in order to reap success…..there was silence, and when a voice emerged it desperately asked how much harder inside I thought I could be?....….I lied to it despite the knowledge of the truth and recognising that my heart needs to hear the right words to make an appropriate attempt at trying harder, I painted the ugly picture of him and shared the reasoned thoughts of being played, being substandard in the first place and I think it bought it……So I expect that it will help me move on……I suspect it knows that this man will always have a place reserved therein….but, in a bid to assist the process of healing, in a true display of trust in me to make the right decisions for us, it said it would muster what more it could and approach the problem with faith…..in me.
I impressed upon myself tonight the greater good to be sought….saving self. Today is not so good.
I delivered my pep talk from mind to heart and my tears fell. I told my self to be strong, I told my heart to let go because ‘It’ was wrong…my soul will be spared hell’s wrath if I just let go and repent now…..I told my heart that he did not then nor still now, care…I told it to be wise and forget…..there was nothing.
Through all this I heard it whimper, “I’m trying”…..I told it I understood and could see that but there was need to try harder in order to reap success…..there was silence, and when a voice emerged it desperately asked how much harder inside I thought I could be?....….I lied to it despite the knowledge of the truth and recognising that my heart needs to hear the right words to make an appropriate attempt at trying harder, I painted the ugly picture of him and shared the reasoned thoughts of being played, being substandard in the first place and I think it bought it……So I expect that it will help me move on……I suspect it knows that this man will always have a place reserved therein….but, in a bid to assist the process of healing, in a true display of trust in me to make the right decisions for us, it said it would muster what more it could and approach the problem with faith…..in me.
Life's Challenge
Written September 2, 2007 - 10:00a.m.
I have identified my challenge in life……I have been placed on this earth to learn one real lesson….to withstand a broken heart without being obsessed. I now realise that in running towards the burning bush of sex and deliverance, I have always failed at the challenge of remaining cool under pressure. I love 100% despite the wisdom of never doing so….I drop my shield thereby removing the chastity belt around my heart and have always managed to get hurt. My challenge therefore is to separate sex from love.
Don’t get me wrong….I don’t fall in general….I have been able to organize sex sessions without much impact on my heart…..what I have not been able to do is stay within the boundaries when I like someone on another level….provided there is interest in the mind or sense of humour I tend to get caught. I will endeavour therefore, until I can come up with a better plan…..only seek bed mates that I don’t like.
This, though seemingly simple, is quite a task…..I am not a blonde so usually I have to be struck by something more than a man’s ability to make down south throb for him. It’s a weird thing…..I can fuck a man and know that, that’s that from the moment he enters me….the unfortunate thing is that similarly I can tell from that moemnet when he strikes a chord……I believe its “G”…and then I am fully aware of the harm which would result.
The only drawback to this plan is my inability to feel fulfilled by this…..why would I get involved with a mark when I know that it will not be a remotely fulfilling endeavour? Why should I keep on playing, what’s my motivation….harnessing skills?....improving the product offering?....to break as many hearts as possible in order to even the score on “man-kind”? It seems unlikely that this game would entice me at all….maybe this is what happens to give you that nudge toward marriage…..there’s nothing left out there so we run to the safety of a ring and a ball and chain. No wonder so many marriages fail.
Is this what is to become of me? Should I relegate myself to a spiceless life and live “happily” ever after this. I pray I am still feeling the effects of a bruised heart and that these ramblings will ultimately be surmised as a mishap of conception, an illicit attempt to understand and indeed adhere to the perceived necessary demarcations between life, lust and love.
I cannot deny though that my mind is committed to positing a counter to this argument, the possibility of having all three exist without harm being inflicted on self. Only the reality of experince will prove this theory.....only who feels it can know it......I will wait for clarity before pursuing his path...I will wait.
I have identified my challenge in life……I have been placed on this earth to learn one real lesson….to withstand a broken heart without being obsessed. I now realise that in running towards the burning bush of sex and deliverance, I have always failed at the challenge of remaining cool under pressure. I love 100% despite the wisdom of never doing so….I drop my shield thereby removing the chastity belt around my heart and have always managed to get hurt. My challenge therefore is to separate sex from love.
Don’t get me wrong….I don’t fall in general….I have been able to organize sex sessions without much impact on my heart…..what I have not been able to do is stay within the boundaries when I like someone on another level….provided there is interest in the mind or sense of humour I tend to get caught. I will endeavour therefore, until I can come up with a better plan…..only seek bed mates that I don’t like.
This, though seemingly simple, is quite a task…..I am not a blonde so usually I have to be struck by something more than a man’s ability to make down south throb for him. It’s a weird thing…..I can fuck a man and know that, that’s that from the moment he enters me….the unfortunate thing is that similarly I can tell from that moemnet when he strikes a chord……I believe its “G”…and then I am fully aware of the harm which would result.
The only drawback to this plan is my inability to feel fulfilled by this…..why would I get involved with a mark when I know that it will not be a remotely fulfilling endeavour? Why should I keep on playing, what’s my motivation….harnessing skills?....improving the product offering?....to break as many hearts as possible in order to even the score on “man-kind”? It seems unlikely that this game would entice me at all….maybe this is what happens to give you that nudge toward marriage…..there’s nothing left out there so we run to the safety of a ring and a ball and chain. No wonder so many marriages fail.
Is this what is to become of me? Should I relegate myself to a spiceless life and live “happily” ever after this. I pray I am still feeling the effects of a bruised heart and that these ramblings will ultimately be surmised as a mishap of conception, an illicit attempt to understand and indeed adhere to the perceived necessary demarcations between life, lust and love.
I cannot deny though that my mind is committed to positing a counter to this argument, the possibility of having all three exist without harm being inflicted on self. Only the reality of experince will prove this theory.....only who feels it can know it......I will wait for clarity before pursuing his path...I will wait.
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