Breakthrough

Wouldn't you know it...the day I decide to stop taking his calls is the day he decides to flip the script and pop in for a visit. God Damn It. I am getting tired of the games fate continues to play in this matter. Yep, today was my day to deal face to face.

Its amazing, in my thoughts and certainly in this blog I have been able to articulate what I want to say to this man, but somehow when he is near I think of his feelings first....how silly....I wished I were angry, because then I wouldn't have to try to find pretty words and ways of saying them, I could just be me and let loose the string of unsavoury 'enunciations' which would echo behaviour unbecoming of a 'lady'. But nope, I wasn't that girl today....I was a wounded bird.

As he sat beside me half hour into his visit teasing my brain with mundane work related issues......which I now realise was a feeble attempt to steel his own nerve.....I felt my anticipation build...I expected the worse. My blood pressure rose and I could feel a headache coming on, as he delved deeper into matters of State and all I could think was that he had something BIG to say. I let him ramble on however, "cause mi did a try play it cool". In a weak moment I made eye contact and was perplexed by what I saw in the depths of his eyes and I knew that he was here to say the "fuck off" I had requested, wanted , pleaded for.

When he started a fifth matter I lost patience. I asked that he stop for a minute, and tell me why he was really here, because the matters we were discussing could have been dealt with through a letter of some sort. I realised that my tone was betraying the depth of my anger so I took a minute and asked if he would like something to drink.....he said yes and I left my Office (happy for the reprieve) to organise same.

When we were watered I looked at him and said "Well, lets have it". He looked puzzled but I brushed it away thinking he was just being unnecessarily cruel. I was aware that my colleagues would soon return from lunch so if it is that I would be crying after he had said his piece I would need room to deal without anyone really knowing (we tend to work very closely, from the same Office even, when the work heat is on).

I told him that I had never imagined that any situation would leave him at a loss for words, so lets not try to waste any further time. He stood then and for a moment he scared me just a little. He took the seat next to me and asked where I found time to devise all the error thoughts I was able to deliver. I was thrown off. "Que", I asked. He went on to ask how it was that I had nutured my skepticism to so engulf me on this matter. "Que"...I asked again. Why are you so pigheaded, he blurted out. Needless to say, I lost it.

The string of combination expletives erupted from my mouth as if I were possessed by a tractor trailer driver who was fathered by a sailor. "What the fuck is wrong with you" I ended. "Isn't it enough that you have fucked with me for so long and gained the upper hand each time....give me a motherfucking break"...I added. I sounded crazy, even to me......thankfully my inner voice stemmed the melt down and I asked him, through clenched teeth, and glazed over eyes, to give me a minute. I recovered and was a little more coherent....I simply told him I had had enough....I couldn't deal....I can't get what I want, no, he wont give me what I wanted...so I wished to wave my white flag and surrender at this time.

There was silence......

He took my hand, and I reluctantly let him. In a mild attempt at lightening the mood, he said he was happy to see that the fire in me was not yet extinguished. He kissed the back of my hand, and I could feel my anger give way somewhat to a different fire. I yanked it away.....I asked him to just say what he wanted to say and go. He cupped my chin and lifted my head so that our eyes could meet....he shook his head and said that he was sorry he started this...my heart fell, and I could feel the tears gather in my eyes but I knew I had to be strong. ....the last thing I wanted was to also have him witness me crying.

He said he knew from the first day we met that I was someone he could have a deep connection with, and that he had succeeded in not placing himself at risk for so long, but that night....as we spoke about life and love and lust, he knew that he couldn't stop the flow. He was mindful, he said though, of the fact that I had shared certain tenets which guided my life and near the top of that list was my not wanting to get involved with a married man again. He said he respected that so he knew he had to put the brakes on.

I took advantage of the pause to tell him to go fuck himself....to think that he could pull bullshit like this and have it appear as though this battle has not been one sided was insulting to me, and I told him as much. I asked that he desist from painting a fucked up picture which was aimed at ensuring that after telling me to fuck off, he would have erected a revolving door through which he could always waltz. Be straight with me I asked. I saw hurt in his eyes as he rose to his feet, he looked at me and shook his head again, and said goodbye.

My relief was short lived as I realised that he had still managed not to put an end to the matter. As I gathered myself and prepared my mind to battle through some real work, I could no longer hold my tears. I fought a good battle though, and was doing well until I saw his number light up on my phone.....I rejected the call. He called again 5 mins later, and I did the same. While I regained some level of conscious thought sufficient to take me through some of my projects.....I heard a knock on the door. Like a reflex I asked the person to enter.....it was him... I jested and gave an exacerbated retort "always have to give the knife that last turn right".

"Ms....." he started, " I could have left things as they are, but I will not". He moved so quickly then that I was wrapped in his arms before I knew it.....did I ever tell you that he has a strong and powerful tongue and kiss?........well he does so I melted into it and him with much hunger. We devoured each other and I found my hand straying to that familiar place...but he stopped me then....he hiked up my skirt and pressed his body against mine and I could feel his arousal.....God I wanted to give in and just fuck him on company time in my Office with a door to which I had no key.....God he felt soooo good, he tasted soooo gooood......In the heat of this moment my phone rang and I knew that special ring (its amazing how men know when their pussy is about to be given away), it was my Boogie.....I was distracted then and released me very shakily.

I answered with as much control as I could......"yeah babe", I said hoping it would sting him.

He mouthed goodbye and I gave him the "how could you" look. He took a pen and scribbled something and left it on my desk......I read it and was saddened as I saw the "I WANT YOU" inscribed thereon. The tears welled up again and I panicked not knowing what it all meant. Was this a new beginning or the concretization of the end