Thoughts 2

I am PMSing and so am reeeeeally depressed right now....it seems only yesterday I was sharing a post on this issue.....I guess time flies when you are well.....Not a good day as evidenced by my continued disregard for Caesar's time as I post updates to this blog.

I am thinking about a job change......this would be a good idea if only it wouldn't appear as though I am running away from myself, from him and now my boss.

I was stark raving mad on Tuesday, I won't go into details.....partly because I am a little embarrassed about my behaviour and partly because it shows how much I've not matured.......when I was growing up I had the worst temper you could imagine...people literally feared me....I fought...a lot .......in primary school (not sure what that is for the rest of the world but its where you spend ages 5 to 11 or 12) I would fight kids younger than me, older than me, boys, girls...you name it I would smack them silly if they crossed me...of course it helped having a big brother on the compound should the task prove too overwhelming.

This affliction carried over into my high school years, only I had replaced my fists with my tongue and damn did it sting. I even affected a teacher so much that at a PTA meeting she told my mom that she didn't like how I looked at her......she was right too, I didn't like her and it showed....she was a bitch......she couldn't fault my school work...but for French which I must admit to having being left behind in since second form (8th grade fro some of you).....but she would pick on me a lot....but I had a way with my peers and could orchestrate any interruptions to her class I wanted, so we played a game of "who's really in control" on many occasions.

Forgive me, I digressed....... as I made it through University however, and in my formative working years I became a lot more tolerant of people....it really would take something serious to get me pissed the way I used to......and I was glad for it....I had grown up...finally. A part of me always missed that me though.

Anyway, Tuesday I was so upset that I couldn't even mask it...I would pass people and instantly they would ask what's wrong......my young colleague was also unfortunate to have not picked up on the obvious signs...the errors of youth...and I lashed at him so much that I had to apologise and ask him to leave me be for a while....I was still vexed in the morning so I knew I had to focus energy on caging this self so that some semblance of normalcy could be returned...... isn't it uncanny that people see you and just assume you will take and take and take all their bullshit...... until one day you straighten them out and you are the one in the hot water because the person holds your fate in there hands.

For those of you wondering, I should interject here and say that it wasn't him who had pissed me off...it was a challenge to my intelligence and work image which spawned the monster. It was so bad that a senior colleague of mine when he came to check on me, felt safer to do so with only his head in the door for fear hat he wouldn't be able to escape if he had come in further......So yes...I was stark raving mad. I was saddened as I realised that i had not progressed as much as I thought I had in this area.

My other obstacle in this endeavour for change is that I don't interview well....I mean I reeeeally don't interview well. I get nervous and my mind goes to mush. I know I am a bit too old for that but its me, and I also know that the only way to get over it is to practice, practice, practice but man its hard. I have been thinking about starting my own company...I love cars and all the bits that make them up......I also love photography but can't take a good picture to save my life....and of course I haven't made my first $10Million yet so to leave work to study photography isn't an option......it would be nice though to feed my creative side for a change.....so many people I know manage to deal in both worlds, having their 9-5 and expressing themselves in one creative mold or another...for cash......but I was never a multitasker unless it has to do with sex...and that profession is not where I want it to be as yet...legalize it I say...legalize it.....make it respectable then I would have no difficulty...I would be out of here so fast it would make my head spin.

I need to move out of my boss' shadow though....we are two creative beings heading to a showdown......in a battle that I cannot win...she is brighter than a motha...effer...so my only option may be to carve out my own niche elsewhere. Did I mention that it would be good to also get away from this man...I don't trust myself around him...hell I don't even know myself around him.....Hmmmmm.