Listening to Self

Written September 2, 2007 - 9:00 p.m.

I impressed upon myself tonight the greater good to be sought….saving self. Today is not so good.

I delivered my pep talk from mind to heart and my tears fell. I told my self to be strong, I told my heart to let go because ‘It’ was wrong…my soul will be spared hell’s wrath if I just let go and repent now…..I told my heart that he did not then nor still now, care…I told it to be wise and forget…..there was nothing.

Through all this I heard it whimper, “I’m trying”…..I told it I understood and could see that but there was need to try harder in order to reap success…..there was silence, and when a voice emerged it desperately asked how much harder inside I thought I could be?....….I lied to it despite the knowledge of the truth and recognising that my heart needs to hear the right words to make an appropriate attempt at trying harder, I painted the ugly picture of him and shared the reasoned thoughts of being played, being substandard in the first place and I think it bought it……So I expect that it will help me move on……I suspect it knows that this man will always have a place reserved therein….but, in a bid to assist the process of healing, in a true display of trust in me to make the right decisions for us, it said it would muster what more it could and approach the problem with faith…..in me.