Life's Challenge

Written September 2, 2007 - 10:00a.m.

I have identified my challenge in life……I have been placed on this earth to learn one real lesson….to withstand a broken heart without being obsessed. I now realise that in running towards the burning bush of sex and deliverance, I have always failed at the challenge of remaining cool under pressure. I love 100% despite the wisdom of never doing so….I drop my shield thereby removing the chastity belt around my heart and have always managed to get hurt. My challenge therefore is to separate sex from love.

Don’t get me wrong….I don’t fall in general….I have been able to organize sex sessions without much impact on my heart…..what I have not been able to do is stay within the boundaries when I like someone on another level….provided there is interest in the mind or sense of humour I tend to get caught. I will endeavour therefore, until I can come up with a better plan…..only seek bed mates that I don’t like.

This, though seemingly simple, is quite a task…..I am not a blonde so usually I have to be struck by something more than a man’s ability to make down south throb for him. It’s a weird thing…..I can fuck a man and know that, that’s that from the moment he enters me….the unfortunate thing is that similarly I can tell from that moemnet when he strikes a chord……I believe its “G”…and then I am fully aware of the harm which would result.

The only drawback to this plan is my inability to feel fulfilled by this…..why would I get involved with a mark when I know that it will not be a remotely fulfilling endeavour? Why should I keep on playing, what’s my motivation….harnessing skills?....improving the product offering?....to break as many hearts as possible in order to even the score on “man-kind”? It seems unlikely that this game would entice me at all….maybe this is what happens to give you that nudge toward marriage…..there’s nothing left out there so we run to the safety of a ring and a ball and chain. No wonder so many marriages fail.

Is this what is to become of me? Should I relegate myself to a spiceless life and live “happily” ever after this. I pray I am still feeling the effects of a bruised heart and that these ramblings will ultimately be surmised as a mishap of conception, an illicit attempt to understand and indeed adhere to the perceived necessary demarcations between life, lust and love.

I cannot deny though that my mind is committed to positing a counter to this argument, the possibility of having all three exist without harm being inflicted on self. Only the reality of experince will prove this theory.....only who feels it can know it......I will wait for clarity before pursuing his path...I will wait.