Rolling Over Again

I thought I had let go of some of my demons, I was wrong. I've had a productive morning and early afternoon so I have no reason to feel too guilty about blogging on company time, so I will reveal myself to the world in lieu of a similar revelation to my point of interest in this forever struggle.

Yesterday I was pissed, he pissed me off so much that I am amazed that I managed to do as well as I did as I sat with my boss and colleague. He called for my boss, who is female, on my phone. I guess under normal circumstances I would have had no difficulty with this, and I must confess to having had to field calls for her on my phone before, but yesterday as I thought about how I burned with unquenched desire for him on the weekend, I couln't believe that this was all I got.....I was livid. His preamble, though I was consumed and not listening too much, seemed to convey having experienced difficulty with making contact through the usual channels..... as if I gave a f--k.....but I assured him it was fine, and hoped my tone was filled with sufficient reasonableness, but the bile inside me rose to uncustomarily high levels and I had to blink it away as if it didn't matter. As I focused on saving face.

I guess it hurt a lot more than I expected. What exactly I expected is not yet clear to me. I get jealous very easily...insecurity is a bitch.....Maybe I expected a "how are you" or some other pleasantry. Why do I fly off the handle so much.....I hate that he has the ability to fuck with my head and emotions this much...the worst part is that I can't lash out at him.....I have to try to be mature and professional, when all I want to do is shake him and tell him some choice words so that he is fully aware of the fact that being fucked with is not a suit I wear well.

I can't believe I am doing this again.....I said it was over, I believe I am living it...but for a mind that keeps derailing my plans of action, and an uncontrollable spasm between my legs when he is near......I am doing it......I am bearing it all, I am fighting my battle with self because this is the crux of the contention.......I thought I was doing it...maybe not well, but doing it still......now I have to ask if this was ever real.

The motion picture that he is plays with relative ease in my thoughts and sometimes dreams.....he is nicer there.....I can mold him into anything I want then .....I just wish I could take advantage of him for a change, fuck with his head to the point of distraction, make him wonder why I have called for another on his cell phone, hear my name being whispered in his voice in the wind.....Oh how I wish I were beyond the point of caring.