Confessions

You may have noticed that I like to thank people for any assistance they provide. I believe in telling you now how I feel rather than waiting till your funeral to express my appreciation. This is a critical plank of my personality which sometimes makes me appear weak but that is of no moment because usually people find out pretty quickly that I am as honest with my other emotions.

That said, I went home early yesterday to prepare dinner for my boggie who had held my hand throughout my 4 days of ill health......ladies should recognise that we need to nurse our men's egos so that they feel appreciated and significant in our lives......I know sometimes doing this exposes too much of us but I will leave it to you to decide if who you are with is worthy of this revelation of trust and is responsible enough with it so as not to use it as a tool against you in future.....I hope that is clear, I am still unwell.

Anyway I made dinner, I lit candles and we shared a wonderful evening, with me thanking him for responding to my call for help instantaneously.....for asking and continuing to annoy me by asking the same questions over and over again; are you comfortable?; do you want soup?; how do you feel now?...2 minutes after I just told you...bad; what do you want me to do?, for rubbing my tummy and stroking my hair, for understanding when I started to snap about everything. I thanked him for being there...for being with me, always.

I awoke in the middle of the night to find him staring through the kitchen window....I didn't want to interrupt him so I watched. I watched him take deep breaths and then I knew he was crying...I wanted to run to him and hold him close but I panicked...I can't handle women crying around me, let alone men.....I couldn't handle my man crying (I will get into my interpretation of the Jamaican male in another post but lets just say that there are very few who cry).....I felt even worse because I knew that he was crying over me.

He has and had put up quite a convincing front about the discovery of my infidelity....he never mentioned the matter a second time, yes his actions showed that there was much thought being given to the issue, but he would never admit to being overly bothered. I guess we all have our little lies we try to live......I knew though that the matter was unfinished I just didn't know how to fix it.

As he crept back to bed, I pretended to be asleep and he kissed my forehead before curling up with his back to me. I gave it some time before snuggling in behind him and embracing him...I kissed his neck and his back before squeezing him as tight as I could and whispering I love you. He broke then and I had to deal....... I straddled him and removed his hands from his face as he tried to hide his tears and I rested my head on his chest and said I was sorry.....at that moment I realised that my pursuit for this other man was the effect of my inability to understand why our love was not enough for both of us......why we always seem to test it by engaging in flings which only serve to hurt each other......why we both couldn't just give in and have faith in the love we have.

We cried together, there were no more words....I fell asleep on him with his arms around me, he always had a knack with making me feel protected.....if only he could save me from myself too.