I got to bed at 3:30 this morning......It was difficult to sleep amidst the running video of our session stuck on repeat in my mind.....and I thought about how different our perspectives can be as people.
For me It was good, it was a beginning, he wanted me enough to spend the night, he was comfortable with me, he made me laugh, he allowed himself to feel good in my arms....he tried to speak to me as much as he could while we waited to board the plane, he kept annoying me by breaking my stride of not acknowledging him when we had made it back to the Rock....we had light dialogue as we waited to be deemed returned to the island by our wonderful men and women of the immigration department.....It was good.
I cant help thinking though that his perspective must be different. We have not spoken since the airport.....I hate to be the bitch who thinks that one night of fucking means that things have changed, and I know that what he is doing is probably the most logical and safest thing, but........I wish he would call to say hey...that's all...just a simple hey.
I don't want to be the always angry lady anymore, its weak, so I will try to deal as best I can on my own.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Guiltiness......Resting On My Conscience
I am dealing with a lot of guilt....that's why I don't mess with married men...its hard...too hard to deal. As if I needed something else to complicate this confused and rambling existence.
I got what I wanted......I laid him down, I bumped and ground to the point of exhaustion, but still I was not satisfied. What are the wages of sin?.......
After our session, I found myself awake in the night cuddling and watching this man sleep.......I have never liked a sleeping man, seems he should be doing something more constructive, like me......anyway he did admit to feeling ill.
As I drifted off to sleep, his phone rang, I assumed it was wifey or a more established other. I was perturbed......did I mention that I am as jealous as they come?..... Well I am, but I held my tongue.
In the morning, as I shuffled and shivered from a night too cold....I found excuses when he asked why I didn't like to be held when I slept. I remember thinking that he was too keen, but I felt him chase me down on the bed throughout the night. The real cause being my inability to compartmentalize, jealousy and sexual frustration as well as an overburdened conscience.....I needed to repent......It was too much.
Usually I am pretty good with forgetting a face, a name, a dick, at least for a bit.....this time though I was having difficulty...he knew me so much he asked if he could stay for a bit......I am accustomed to looking at the clock and in essence encouraging men to leave my bed, especially if the job was not done well......but I laughed and told him he could stay as long as he liked. I was torn though, as I thought of Boogie laying at home.....hopefully alone......who in the day had expressed his deep wish for me to come home to warm his bed and kiss his forehead. As I kissed another and held him close, the betrayal of Boogie rambled in my mind.
Forgive me father for I have sinned. Its been too long that I have jaunted in this unholy meadow. So many people to be affected, so many axes to grind......I wish I could deal better cause now I feel like shit, and it must end.
I got what I wanted, I needed the time. He was too open with his seeming affection, which almost made me believe the concept of there being more....more to explore, more to hate, more to frig with, more to connect with. He was too much more for me. Did he hit the spot? Briefly, but not sufficient for an explosion. I will go with the flow and hope that he didn't feel all of me, and await the day when I feel him flowing out of my system, out of me...the day when I am rescued from this obsession.
I have decided to leave the memories behind, some 37 or 8 thousand miles across the sea. I will leave it all; the connection he was; the trepidation I feel. He was too much, not the fucking.....I was undone by the infernal cuddling.....it was too much to ask of a girl who, prior to now, had always ensured that moments like that were only shared with Boogie. I was undone by his statement of my unlocking all the love I have in me......I wanted to tell him that I had and it was all Boogie's and that now I will be left to think about my cheating ways and how to face my Boogie with this scar on the fabric of my conscience, on my soul....how would I face Boogie with the knowledge that he moved me, something I cannot define in him, moved me.
I got what I wanted......I laid him down, I bumped and ground to the point of exhaustion, but still I was not satisfied. What are the wages of sin?.......
After our session, I found myself awake in the night cuddling and watching this man sleep.......I have never liked a sleeping man, seems he should be doing something more constructive, like me......anyway he did admit to feeling ill.
As I drifted off to sleep, his phone rang, I assumed it was wifey or a more established other. I was perturbed......did I mention that I am as jealous as they come?..... Well I am, but I held my tongue.
In the morning, as I shuffled and shivered from a night too cold....I found excuses when he asked why I didn't like to be held when I slept. I remember thinking that he was too keen, but I felt him chase me down on the bed throughout the night. The real cause being my inability to compartmentalize, jealousy and sexual frustration as well as an overburdened conscience.....I needed to repent......It was too much.
Usually I am pretty good with forgetting a face, a name, a dick, at least for a bit.....this time though I was having difficulty...he knew me so much he asked if he could stay for a bit......I am accustomed to looking at the clock and in essence encouraging men to leave my bed, especially if the job was not done well......but I laughed and told him he could stay as long as he liked. I was torn though, as I thought of Boogie laying at home.....hopefully alone......who in the day had expressed his deep wish for me to come home to warm his bed and kiss his forehead. As I kissed another and held him close, the betrayal of Boogie rambled in my mind.
Forgive me father for I have sinned. Its been too long that I have jaunted in this unholy meadow. So many people to be affected, so many axes to grind......I wish I could deal better cause now I feel like shit, and it must end.
I got what I wanted, I needed the time. He was too open with his seeming affection, which almost made me believe the concept of there being more....more to explore, more to hate, more to frig with, more to connect with. He was too much more for me. Did he hit the spot? Briefly, but not sufficient for an explosion. I will go with the flow and hope that he didn't feel all of me, and await the day when I feel him flowing out of my system, out of me...the day when I am rescued from this obsession.
I have decided to leave the memories behind, some 37 or 8 thousand miles across the sea. I will leave it all; the connection he was; the trepidation I feel. He was too much, not the fucking.....I was undone by the infernal cuddling.....it was too much to ask of a girl who, prior to now, had always ensured that moments like that were only shared with Boogie. I was undone by his statement of my unlocking all the love I have in me......I wanted to tell him that I had and it was all Boogie's and that now I will be left to think about my cheating ways and how to face my Boogie with this scar on the fabric of my conscience, on my soul....how would I face Boogie with the knowledge that he moved me, something I cannot define in him, moved me.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
How it Happened
On Monday I made myself as pretty as I could with the weather drying out my skin , my hair, and many other parts.....it was colder than a mothereffer.
As I sat in the conference room hoping that it was sufficiently large to make me invisible I could only think of what I would say if or when he greeted me......I positioned myself so that he would not see me as he entered the room......wouldn't you know it, there was another door which would have him pass right by my row..damn. We did the usual nod and smile thing and I felt relieved.
I had hooked up a dear friend for lunch and couldn't wait to be picked up, all I had to do was survive the morning sessions and the coffee break. I wrote notes like nobodies business until we broke for coffee (or tea would be more apt). Sure enough, he had to pass by to say a more fulsome Hi.
With a kiss on my hand he asked where I was staying....I told him I had no intention of finding out whether "he danced as well abroad as he did a yard". I told him I had gotten in from Saturday and listened as he chastised me for not making contact from then. I couldn't give up the opportunity to underscore a few things so I told him I was unsure of which 'him' I would have met and thought better of embarrassing myself further in this matter. I also indicated that I was uncertain whether the news of my arrival would have been useful to him having regard to him having chosen to advise my boss, only, of his own departure.....seems the wrong Officer may have attended the conference. This drew laughter and my ire but I was too cold to offer a witty response. His posture was one of knowledge, you know...like when some knows that something is gonna happen, and refuses to clue you in. He asked about whether I would attend the dinner organised for us later that evening....of course, my answer was no. He whispered goodbye with mirth dripping from his mouth.....Damn, he knew I was weak.
As I wrapped up dinner and chat with some friends and had walked the last one out to catch her train, I decided to take a walk myself. Within minutes I was cold and lost....how come so soon you may be asking....my sense of direction is shit.....I applied what logic I had that was not totally frozen and questioned 3 strangers and was able to find the street that my Hotel was on. I went into my room and settled myself for a long night, the time differential always messes with my sleep....so I did some work I had taken along with me.
As I worked I thought about why I was denying myself the opportunity to share a bed with him, if only briefly.....I couldn't come up with a convincing argument not to so I researched his Hotel name and number and called just in time to catch him at the front desk, just coming in from the dinner......DAMN. We made the plans and an hour later I was awakened by a call from the lobby....I told him to come up.
My heart pounded with all the reasons I should not go through with it, and as I heard the doorbell ring I realised it may be too late to turn back. I tried to grab clothes from my suitcase so that my teddy top and panty clad body didn't convey over willingness. I gave up when the case hit my toe and all I wanted to do was scream......I let him in being careful to hide behind the door as I explained that I tried to make myself more presentable. The sight of him though, and the lurch between my legs told me that more clothes would have meant more stuff to take off and therefore delays to the inevitable. I was still cold though so I hopped, skipped and jumped into the bed to find that nook I had snuggled into as I waited on him to titivate. I thought about pouncing on him like a panther but I was aware of the sweet smell of body lotion and perfume that could have gotten rubbed off on his clothes and the possible problems he could have with wifey when she unpacked his things, so I relaxed under the covers and watched him undress, as I played R Kelly's "Wine for me" in my head.....he seemed overly comfortable around me.
He slid into bed with a warning that he was feeling quite unwell and were it not for me he would have opted to stay in. Again I fought back the fire and told him I was happy that he feared my wrath. I made up my mind though, well, almost, that I wouldn't bother him for sex, though I must admit that the sight of his hard on made it difficult to stay that course....that is such a turn on for me.
Anyway he started snuggling in on me and I started exploring the playground his body was with my fingertips and tongue......after a while, and noting that my underwear was wet from anticipation, I straddled him and asked whether he could manage a session. He agreed through clenched teeth as I nibbled at his nipples. He is good with his hands and when I protested at being teased for too long, and expressed a wish to be fucked right now, he slid on his condom and proceeded to make his dick find its way....sweet. The chemistry could have been better but it was good, he rode, I rode and rode, and rode and eventually he assisted me in making him cum....DAMN...if I can't make him cum on my own what use is this.
Sleeping with him was interesting...he cuddles too much...but he was sooo warm literally, that I snuggled up when I could and he did not disappoint with the stroking of my back and arm before he asked that I hug him from behind....I was out of sorts but I did it anyway cause, you know how men are when they are sick.....it back to the foetal position and the need for mummy's soothing attention.
As I sat in the conference room hoping that it was sufficiently large to make me invisible I could only think of what I would say if or when he greeted me......I positioned myself so that he would not see me as he entered the room......wouldn't you know it, there was another door which would have him pass right by my row..damn. We did the usual nod and smile thing and I felt relieved.
I had hooked up a dear friend for lunch and couldn't wait to be picked up, all I had to do was survive the morning sessions and the coffee break. I wrote notes like nobodies business until we broke for coffee (or tea would be more apt). Sure enough, he had to pass by to say a more fulsome Hi.
With a kiss on my hand he asked where I was staying....I told him I had no intention of finding out whether "he danced as well abroad as he did a yard". I told him I had gotten in from Saturday and listened as he chastised me for not making contact from then. I couldn't give up the opportunity to underscore a few things so I told him I was unsure of which 'him' I would have met and thought better of embarrassing myself further in this matter. I also indicated that I was uncertain whether the news of my arrival would have been useful to him having regard to him having chosen to advise my boss, only, of his own departure.....seems the wrong Officer may have attended the conference. This drew laughter and my ire but I was too cold to offer a witty response. His posture was one of knowledge, you know...like when some knows that something is gonna happen, and refuses to clue you in. He asked about whether I would attend the dinner organised for us later that evening....of course, my answer was no. He whispered goodbye with mirth dripping from his mouth.....Damn, he knew I was weak.
As I wrapped up dinner and chat with some friends and had walked the last one out to catch her train, I decided to take a walk myself. Within minutes I was cold and lost....how come so soon you may be asking....my sense of direction is shit.....I applied what logic I had that was not totally frozen and questioned 3 strangers and was able to find the street that my Hotel was on. I went into my room and settled myself for a long night, the time differential always messes with my sleep....so I did some work I had taken along with me.
As I worked I thought about why I was denying myself the opportunity to share a bed with him, if only briefly.....I couldn't come up with a convincing argument not to so I researched his Hotel name and number and called just in time to catch him at the front desk, just coming in from the dinner......DAMN. We made the plans and an hour later I was awakened by a call from the lobby....I told him to come up.
My heart pounded with all the reasons I should not go through with it, and as I heard the doorbell ring I realised it may be too late to turn back. I tried to grab clothes from my suitcase so that my teddy top and panty clad body didn't convey over willingness. I gave up when the case hit my toe and all I wanted to do was scream......I let him in being careful to hide behind the door as I explained that I tried to make myself more presentable. The sight of him though, and the lurch between my legs told me that more clothes would have meant more stuff to take off and therefore delays to the inevitable. I was still cold though so I hopped, skipped and jumped into the bed to find that nook I had snuggled into as I waited on him to titivate. I thought about pouncing on him like a panther but I was aware of the sweet smell of body lotion and perfume that could have gotten rubbed off on his clothes and the possible problems he could have with wifey when she unpacked his things, so I relaxed under the covers and watched him undress, as I played R Kelly's "Wine for me" in my head.....he seemed overly comfortable around me.
He slid into bed with a warning that he was feeling quite unwell and were it not for me he would have opted to stay in. Again I fought back the fire and told him I was happy that he feared my wrath. I made up my mind though, well, almost, that I wouldn't bother him for sex, though I must admit that the sight of his hard on made it difficult to stay that course....that is such a turn on for me.
Anyway he started snuggling in on me and I started exploring the playground his body was with my fingertips and tongue......after a while, and noting that my underwear was wet from anticipation, I straddled him and asked whether he could manage a session. He agreed through clenched teeth as I nibbled at his nipples. He is good with his hands and when I protested at being teased for too long, and expressed a wish to be fucked right now, he slid on his condom and proceeded to make his dick find its way....sweet. The chemistry could have been better but it was good, he rode, I rode and rode, and rode and eventually he assisted me in making him cum....DAMN...if I can't make him cum on my own what use is this.
Sleeping with him was interesting...he cuddles too much...but he was sooo warm literally, that I snuggled up when I could and he did not disappoint with the stroking of my back and arm before he asked that I hug him from behind....I was out of sorts but I did it anyway cause, you know how men are when they are sick.....it back to the foetal position and the need for mummy's soothing attention.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Waiting to Exhale
I am back. It was good too...learnt a lot, on both a professional and personal level.
I got in on Saturday and I made my calls and planned my night...jet lag and the weather had a different plan though. I found myself inclined to revel in the one warm spot I had carved out under the comforter, duvey, sheet, with pillow surrounding me, while I prayed for the thermostat to be true to my setting of 32 degrees....it wasn't. Out of sheer exhaustion though, I slept. I rescheduled my revenge on the world for Sunday.....I won't lie, he was on my mind as I made the call.
I was to have met 2 other persons that day, so I felt safe that I wouldn't do anything foolish until it was time for my partner in sin to join me. As I stepped out in weather that should be classified as illegal, I realised that I had made a biiiig mistake with my packing.......I had been overcome with a feeling of being "girly" so I figured the weather couldn't be too unbearable for my open toed shoes, skirts and dresses, after all it was only October....I was wrong.
As I wrapped up my lunch Lyme, I got a message from my girlfriend cancelling our hook up....Damn. I went back to my crappy, cold room....complained again to the front desk about that and was getting pissed. I decided to make myself pretty for my affair, but he crept into my thoughts as I performed my rituals....Damn. As I opened the door to my other him, I had lost the vibe. He was always intuitive and immediately asked what was wrong...... we talked for a bit shared a glass of wine but eventually made plans for another day.......I think we both knew that that day would never come though....Damn, I can't even be bad anymore.
As I swigged beer from a can from the mini bar after I had kissed him goodbye, I thought about him......how close he may be, who I would be on Monday when I saw him, that he hadn't even called to see if I had made it, that I wanted him despite that.....that I wanted him to abandon himself in my arms...in me.......that I needed to learn to be more patient......that I needed a live blanket in this weather...that I wanted to feel him trail kisses from my lips, down to my neck, over my breasts, tugging and sucking until the warmth of his mouth sends an electric pulse through my spine to my core, warming me....that I needed to bask in the glory of his love making, that I wanted to be lost in him.
My imagination deserted me in protest at the overuse, and refused to spring to action sufficient for me to help myself to minimal relief. I wished he were nearer to being conquered but I knew I had to be patient and ramble no more.
I got in on Saturday and I made my calls and planned my night...jet lag and the weather had a different plan though. I found myself inclined to revel in the one warm spot I had carved out under the comforter, duvey, sheet, with pillow surrounding me, while I prayed for the thermostat to be true to my setting of 32 degrees....it wasn't. Out of sheer exhaustion though, I slept. I rescheduled my revenge on the world for Sunday.....I won't lie, he was on my mind as I made the call.
I was to have met 2 other persons that day, so I felt safe that I wouldn't do anything foolish until it was time for my partner in sin to join me. As I stepped out in weather that should be classified as illegal, I realised that I had made a biiiig mistake with my packing.......I had been overcome with a feeling of being "girly" so I figured the weather couldn't be too unbearable for my open toed shoes, skirts and dresses, after all it was only October....I was wrong.
As I wrapped up my lunch Lyme, I got a message from my girlfriend cancelling our hook up....Damn. I went back to my crappy, cold room....complained again to the front desk about that and was getting pissed. I decided to make myself pretty for my affair, but he crept into my thoughts as I performed my rituals....Damn. As I opened the door to my other him, I had lost the vibe. He was always intuitive and immediately asked what was wrong...... we talked for a bit shared a glass of wine but eventually made plans for another day.......I think we both knew that that day would never come though....Damn, I can't even be bad anymore.
As I swigged beer from a can from the mini bar after I had kissed him goodbye, I thought about him......how close he may be, who I would be on Monday when I saw him, that he hadn't even called to see if I had made it, that I wanted him despite that.....that I wanted him to abandon himself in my arms...in me.......that I needed to learn to be more patient......that I needed a live blanket in this weather...that I wanted to feel him trail kisses from my lips, down to my neck, over my breasts, tugging and sucking until the warmth of his mouth sends an electric pulse through my spine to my core, warming me....that I needed to bask in the glory of his love making, that I wanted to be lost in him.
My imagination deserted me in protest at the overuse, and refused to spring to action sufficient for me to help myself to minimal relief. I wished he were nearer to being conquered but I knew I had to be patient and ramble no more.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Finally Flowing
I am in a better place now....all my efforts have not worked so I am thinking that for some reason the Lord wants me to go....I hope its not death....but his will be done if it is. I still don't have a visa but my friends in interestingly high Offices have worked some magic and it seems likely that my paperwork will be processed in time......what can I do after this demonstration of who is really in control in my life......I bow to him that has guided my path thus far and I know he will not leave my side.
I have nothing to fear, not even myself.
I have nothing to fear, not even myself.
Damnit, Damn, Damn....it
Two more days to go before I go into the deep end.....DAMN.
My only silver lining is that I still have no visa.......a sliver of a chance remains.....YEAAAAAH.
A part of me actually wants to go for the experience and sharing of smart practices but.......I can't get the one without having to deal with the other. I would prefer not to show how petty and sdestructive I can be but I know I will keep my date with my Ex.....if only to satisfy my soul that I would have strayed outside of his grasp.
My only silver lining is that I still have no visa.......a sliver of a chance remains.....YEAAAAAH.
A part of me actually wants to go for the experience and sharing of smart practices but.......I can't get the one without having to deal with the other. I would prefer not to show how petty and sdestructive I can be but I know I will keep my date with my Ex.....if only to satisfy my soul that I would have strayed outside of his grasp.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Who I Am
In response to a comment regarding my rambling mind and its homeliness or lack thereof, I thought I would make a statement of sorts on the issue of me.
I am really sweet...but too easily soured
I am soured by my emotions which run too close to the surface and a genuine belief that as adults there is no need for hesitation about feelings or the state of play.
I prefer frankness to the snivelling or conniving expressions of some with whom I share this earth....I like honesty, but I recognise that there is a need for lies at times.....I'm brave in most aspects of my life (I think you know in which I have great difficulty)....I am usually confident but sometimes am too fragile and given to indulging in destructive behaviour......I am loyal to a fault and, prior to this, was unconcerned with the usual trappings of femininity.
I hate hypocrisy at all levels......I believe that each man regardless of creed, colour or circumstance deserves respect and an opportunity to live freely, but I also believe that most men are inherently dubious and given to exploring their sexuality with many partners, so I believe in revenge rather than shedding tears.
I don't believe human beings can change, but I know all things are possible with the Lord by your side......and I believe that as humans and God's creations we owe it to him to be the best beings we can be......unfortunately I also believe that life is a war between your head & your heart, but that there are instances in this life which makes following one over the other a worthwhile undertaking.
That's me in a nutshell ( a very big nut..shell)....that's me today.
I am really sweet...but too easily soured
I am soured by my emotions which run too close to the surface and a genuine belief that as adults there is no need for hesitation about feelings or the state of play.
I prefer frankness to the snivelling or conniving expressions of some with whom I share this earth....I like honesty, but I recognise that there is a need for lies at times.....I'm brave in most aspects of my life (I think you know in which I have great difficulty)....I am usually confident but sometimes am too fragile and given to indulging in destructive behaviour......I am loyal to a fault and, prior to this, was unconcerned with the usual trappings of femininity.
I hate hypocrisy at all levels......I believe that each man regardless of creed, colour or circumstance deserves respect and an opportunity to live freely, but I also believe that most men are inherently dubious and given to exploring their sexuality with many partners, so I believe in revenge rather than shedding tears.
I don't believe human beings can change, but I know all things are possible with the Lord by your side......and I believe that as humans and God's creations we owe it to him to be the best beings we can be......unfortunately I also believe that life is a war between your head & your heart, but that there are instances in this life which makes following one over the other a worthwhile undertaking.
That's me in a nutshell ( a very big nut..shell)....that's me today.
A Plea
I want to transcend this dramatic period in my life...it's not interesting and fun anymore..... (Sigh).
Monday, October 15, 2007
My Decision
Today was hard......I was weak again. Unfortunately I let anger and a few moments of good dialogue brought on by the inclement weather ruffle my feathers and spark a feeling of being desired. I was wrong to do it, I admit.....but when you are faced with the beginning of retribution for your actions and anger so great because of your inability to reasonably request a pause in his actions you tend to clutch at any straws which may be available.
After a good beginning of the weekend.....I was getting mine, left , right, centre and just about any other ways I could think of.........we came to a cross roads yesterday which unravelled Boogie's silence somewhat on the matter of my infidelity. I told him I was gonna go get my nails 'did'......he didn't believe, and to cut a long story short, I spent last night alone. When I awoke at 2:00 a.m to find that I was the sole occupant of my bed, I was upset......but I was foolish enough to wonder whether he had met upon some harm, so I called and had to kick myself for trying in the end because he did not answer.
At 6:00 a.m he turned up at my door to tell me his phone was down and he had had some difficulty last night, but was now on his way to watch cars race around in a circle in the country.......what the fuck......I was livid, so I fought as hard as I could before bowing to the need to fuck him up.
Fate however had a different plan......I sent a message indicating my new found freedom for the day and expressing a wish to share sometime with a willing partner.....I planned for this escapade to take place at my house....idiotic I know but my anger had clouded my judgement, he didn't respond. It was ambitious of me, but all I wanted was a quickie because I had plans for 1:00pm....but it was not to be......the father continues to protect me in this matter.
I couldn't help feeling disappointed......for more reasons than one... I like to give as good as I get...I like to take revenge swiftly. I think my doubts about having a clandestine English affair have melted, cause now I have to "kill two birds with one stone".
Remaining still is not an option.
After a good beginning of the weekend.....I was getting mine, left , right, centre and just about any other ways I could think of.........we came to a cross roads yesterday which unravelled Boogie's silence somewhat on the matter of my infidelity. I told him I was gonna go get my nails 'did'......he didn't believe, and to cut a long story short, I spent last night alone. When I awoke at 2:00 a.m to find that I was the sole occupant of my bed, I was upset......but I was foolish enough to wonder whether he had met upon some harm, so I called and had to kick myself for trying in the end because he did not answer.
At 6:00 a.m he turned up at my door to tell me his phone was down and he had had some difficulty last night, but was now on his way to watch cars race around in a circle in the country.......what the fuck......I was livid, so I fought as hard as I could before bowing to the need to fuck him up.
Fate however had a different plan......I sent a message indicating my new found freedom for the day and expressing a wish to share sometime with a willing partner.....I planned for this escapade to take place at my house....idiotic I know but my anger had clouded my judgement, he didn't respond. It was ambitious of me, but all I wanted was a quickie because I had plans for 1:00pm....but it was not to be......the father continues to protect me in this matter.
I couldn't help feeling disappointed......for more reasons than one... I like to give as good as I get...I like to take revenge swiftly. I think my doubts about having a clandestine English affair have melted, cause now I have to "kill two birds with one stone".
Remaining still is not an option.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Dealing in Thoughts
It took me an hour and a half to get home yesterday....I live 15 mins from my job....the rain has been soaking the earth for the past week and the traffic is ridiculous....I don't know why I am surprised, it only takes an overcast sky for there to be gridlock in this city.
In between general agitation caused by the crazy people who somehow have managed to convince the powers that be to give them drivers' licences, and thoughts of pulling over and grabbing a drink to let the traffic run off before proceeding, I spent some time in thought.
I thought about the fact that my paperwork had been approved and the issues that flows with it. I thought about the probability of actually getting everything in place within the next 5 days (a process which usually takes 2 wks).....I thought about the fact that I may still be saved by the insufficient time for preparation......I thought about the fact that this would not be a strike against my ability to plan because we did have a change in Gov't and no one could assume that these things would have been processed prior to that decision and also that same would have been approved or that I would still be working in the same job for that matter. Yep I think my bases are covered.....no one will know that I was running scared (I promise I will grow up soon).
I also thought about my plan of action should this impossible feat be accomplished in time and I really do have to go......and that made me pause. Conscience and weakness are bitches of a very mean order.....I will have to deal in the best way I know how, and that's what bothers me.
In between general agitation caused by the crazy people who somehow have managed to convince the powers that be to give them drivers' licences, and thoughts of pulling over and grabbing a drink to let the traffic run off before proceeding, I spent some time in thought.
I thought about the fact that my paperwork had been approved and the issues that flows with it. I thought about the probability of actually getting everything in place within the next 5 days (a process which usually takes 2 wks).....I thought about the fact that I may still be saved by the insufficient time for preparation......I thought about the fact that this would not be a strike against my ability to plan because we did have a change in Gov't and no one could assume that these things would have been processed prior to that decision and also that same would have been approved or that I would still be working in the same job for that matter. Yep I think my bases are covered.....no one will know that I was running scared (I promise I will grow up soon).
I also thought about my plan of action should this impossible feat be accomplished in time and I really do have to go......and that made me pause. Conscience and weakness are bitches of a very mean order.....I will have to deal in the best way I know how, and that's what bothers me.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Rationale
My post yesterday was written with too much emotion it seems. Maybe it was not clear hence the comments received.
I wanted to clarify that I know that I am cheating on Boogie with this thing....that much I will admit. This conclusion however is only possible because I have gotten a little more caught up in this escapade than I would have normally, and thus I have committed emotional infidelity as well as the physical. If I had, as is customary, lead the process then I would have gotten enough of what I wanted and this probably would have ended several moons ago.
That said, Boogie is not the issue here.....we have mended the breach in the armour and we are in a good place...he no longer stifles me with his presence and I pretend not to be concerned with the opportunity he now has to prove "the world is a circle" theory.
My thoughts, in light of my difficulty with dealing with this "....", ........I don't even have a name for it anymore......is that I need to accept certain realities i.e. that there is no fire for me on his part, and I need to move on.
In pursuit of this desired outcome I have tried the 'wait it out, it will pass' thing, I have tried the 'be the strong black woman, I will survive' bit, I have tried the 'you'll get over it' thing, I have tried the 'be angry at the world' thing....(this wasn't too hard to get into by the way), I have requested and received good advice on the matter, all ending with, 'you will heal and be stronger for it'....I have tried the 'time will heal you' thing......none have worked. My commitments to moving on have fallen by the wayside each time....I am simply not strong enough I now admit. My only other hope is to channel my energy for him into another so that I stem the flow of stupidity....I have always said, the quickest way to get over a man is to take another....and right now that is the only option I have not explored.
Everything is upside down....I have no confidence in this area anymore, and I cannot function like that. Being able to play the game well is a big part of my life....I am tired of losing. I am trying with all my might to not use this trip as fertile ground for indulging myself in him so I have to put things in place to stop me from creating a situation where he feels he has me wrapped up (You and I know that he does for now, but I don't want it to continue) enough to constantly mess with me and my head. The only way to do that is to refocus myself and exploit another. The only problem is, as I made the call to link up my Ex, a question mark appeared in my mind.....I felt like I would be cheating on him....weird right?
Thus, recognising the desired outcome, I had to answer certain questions, hence yesterday's post.
My thoughts in this matter are:
I wanted to clarify that I know that I am cheating on Boogie with this thing....that much I will admit. This conclusion however is only possible because I have gotten a little more caught up in this escapade than I would have normally, and thus I have committed emotional infidelity as well as the physical. If I had, as is customary, lead the process then I would have gotten enough of what I wanted and this probably would have ended several moons ago.
That said, Boogie is not the issue here.....we have mended the breach in the armour and we are in a good place...he no longer stifles me with his presence and I pretend not to be concerned with the opportunity he now has to prove "the world is a circle" theory.
My thoughts, in light of my difficulty with dealing with this "....", ........I don't even have a name for it anymore......is that I need to accept certain realities i.e. that there is no fire for me on his part, and I need to move on.
In pursuit of this desired outcome I have tried the 'wait it out, it will pass' thing, I have tried the 'be the strong black woman, I will survive' bit, I have tried the 'you'll get over it' thing, I have tried the 'be angry at the world' thing....(this wasn't too hard to get into by the way), I have requested and received good advice on the matter, all ending with, 'you will heal and be stronger for it'....I have tried the 'time will heal you' thing......none have worked. My commitments to moving on have fallen by the wayside each time....I am simply not strong enough I now admit. My only other hope is to channel my energy for him into another so that I stem the flow of stupidity....I have always said, the quickest way to get over a man is to take another....and right now that is the only option I have not explored.
Everything is upside down....I have no confidence in this area anymore, and I cannot function like that. Being able to play the game well is a big part of my life....I am tired of losing. I am trying with all my might to not use this trip as fertile ground for indulging myself in him so I have to put things in place to stop me from creating a situation where he feels he has me wrapped up (You and I know that he does for now, but I don't want it to continue) enough to constantly mess with me and my head. The only way to do that is to refocus myself and exploit another. The only problem is, as I made the call to link up my Ex, a question mark appeared in my mind.....I felt like I would be cheating on him....weird right?
Thus, recognising the desired outcome, I had to answer certain questions, hence yesterday's post.
My thoughts in this matter are:
- If there is speculation about whether there is a relationship after all this time then there is none. If there is no certainty/clarity as to the expectations from both parties then you can't be cheating.
- A distraction is a distraction, it means nothing but sometimes needs to happen to refocus you...it takes the edge off so that you can deal from a better place....a less emotional place. It will be the buffer in the time of search for or demonstration of patience. Therefore, it cannot be cheating.
- Can you really cheat on the person you are cheating with? If he is the reason for you to seek 'extra-adultery' sex/companionship then in my mind the regular rules ought not to apply. The jury is still out on that one.
- What you don't know won't hurt you, so if I am very discreet then it will be as if it never happened. He can go on thinking that I am a nice, though dirty mouthed, little girl and that it just didn't work between us because I got too caught up. Which isn't entirely untrue.
- The thing about distractions is that they are usually short lived......so Pandora's box can be closed and real life as we know it, can continue.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Infidelity 2
Is it really cheating if you haven't discussed exclusivity?
Is it really cheating if you don't know if you even have a relationship ( f--king or otherwise)?
Is it really cheating if the catalyst for so doing belongs to someone else?
Is it really cheating if you need the distraction to strengthen you for what MAY come in the future, after the patience game is exhausted?
Have you really cheated if he doesn't find out?
Can you close the Pandora's box once you've started down this path, or does one case of infidelity lead to another and another into perpetuity?
Is it really cheating if you don't know if you even have a relationship ( f--king or otherwise)?
Is it really cheating if the catalyst for so doing belongs to someone else?
Is it really cheating if you need the distraction to strengthen you for what MAY come in the future, after the patience game is exhausted?
Have you really cheated if he doesn't find out?
Can you close the Pandora's box once you've started down this path, or does one case of infidelity lead to another and another into perpetuity?
Destructive Behaviour
In our row the other day he told me that I had been far from patient in this matter.....now you understand why I was so pissed right. The thing is, he was only confirming that which I knew to be true but couldn't help acting out. Being patient was never, and sadly I am beginning to think will never be, a part of my suite of talents. Patience for me means no interest....being able to be patient means there is no fire....no fire means there is no need to fight.
I have an old flame in the Queen's back yard......I made the necessary contact and I will drown my sorrows in sin with him during my visit.....he was never very good, but I am hoping that time and age has schooled him in the ways of pleasing a woman sufficient to remind me of how wanted I can be...of my usual effect on the men I share myself with.
He's a sweetheart, that was the other problem between us, and I know this will fuck him up, he will think there is a chance after this.......I always had him wrapped around my finger and could get away with murder with him.... and I will deal with the consequences after I get back.....I don't want the responsibility, but I need the feeling of a man wanting me so much it hurts....I need this validation, that I still have IT.....and ths way I won't have to add to my number......I know its selfish, but its the only way I know how to demonstrate patience......cause patience for me also means that I will lose interest, this will help me to break free from my sentence to foolishness.
I have an old flame in the Queen's back yard......I made the necessary contact and I will drown my sorrows in sin with him during my visit.....he was never very good, but I am hoping that time and age has schooled him in the ways of pleasing a woman sufficient to remind me of how wanted I can be...of my usual effect on the men I share myself with.
He's a sweetheart, that was the other problem between us, and I know this will fuck him up, he will think there is a chance after this.......I always had him wrapped around my finger and could get away with murder with him.... and I will deal with the consequences after I get back.....I don't want the responsibility, but I need the feeling of a man wanting me so much it hurts....I need this validation, that I still have IT.....and ths way I won't have to add to my number......I know its selfish, but its the only way I know how to demonstrate patience......cause patience for me also means that I will lose interest, this will help me to break free from my sentence to foolishness.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
?Men
I am convinced men are idiots. Seems I am having a weird couple of weeks with pretentious men. I had an acquaintance last week try to woo me with his Benz, and this week some buffoon flaunted his "credentials" at me in hopes that I would what? ......fall at his feet? Crazy people.
I am not easily bought, a smile may do it, a good deed even better, but never have I measured a man by his ability to fill behind his name with letters. Don't get me wrong, I applaud anyone who tries to better themselves through education and I believe they deserve all the perks that comes with their achievements but come the hell on "credentials"??? What is that supposed to convey?....that you can support me if I open my legs to you?.....please....I can support my damn self...albeit somewhat haphazardly these days.......I don't need a man's money to validate me or become a term of my enslavement. Get some game.
When I lay you down and run my fingers and nipples over your groin, stomach and lips does your Phd, MBA, Bsc, BA, LLM, LLB help you to respond to me more articulately, or do you moan out expletives like the rest of us without them? That's what really gets me, and unless your credentials makes that bit of you rise to the occasion, it really doesn't come into play.
Be sensible guys, today's woman is a lot more than a pretty face, a sweet pussy or a baby with a daddy complex......we play those games sometimes because we have finally embraced and are confident enough in the power we wield........we require more from our men, much more....when you step to a woman, your 'things' won't get you too far....if you can't deal with the challenge, stay in your safety zone where little girls roam and have miseducated you into believing that these antics actually work.
I am not easily bought, a smile may do it, a good deed even better, but never have I measured a man by his ability to fill behind his name with letters. Don't get me wrong, I applaud anyone who tries to better themselves through education and I believe they deserve all the perks that comes with their achievements but come the hell on "credentials"??? What is that supposed to convey?....that you can support me if I open my legs to you?.....please....I can support my damn self...albeit somewhat haphazardly these days.......I don't need a man's money to validate me or become a term of my enslavement. Get some game.
When I lay you down and run my fingers and nipples over your groin, stomach and lips does your Phd, MBA, Bsc, BA, LLM, LLB help you to respond to me more articulately, or do you moan out expletives like the rest of us without them? That's what really gets me, and unless your credentials makes that bit of you rise to the occasion, it really doesn't come into play.
Be sensible guys, today's woman is a lot more than a pretty face, a sweet pussy or a baby with a daddy complex......we play those games sometimes because we have finally embraced and are confident enough in the power we wield........we require more from our men, much more....when you step to a woman, your 'things' won't get you too far....if you can't deal with the challenge, stay in your safety zone where little girls roam and have miseducated you into believing that these antics actually work.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Weighing on my Mind
So I am to be attending a Conference overseas later this month. Well, I am still praying that my paperwork will be rejected by the powers that be, but as it stands now, I'm the chosen one. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind...in fact, if this were last year this time, I'd have been ecstatic. Now, however, I am dejected....he will be there. In a time long ago we had agreed that this Conference was well placed to give an opportunity for exploration of 'us' but now....with all that has transpired....including a hell of a blow out last Monday night, I am apprehensive about attending.
I guess I don't trust myself to maintain my vexation when the possibility of having all access to the playground that is he is looming.....I would love to say that I would be aloof and strictly business but I am unsure. I do have a plan of action in the event that the word is yes though. I have a few friends there that I haven't seen in ages and I guess I could conscript them into blocking for me during the day....then all I have to worry about is at night, when the yearning and the ramblings in my head take over.
What if he makes a move? "Mi nah guh lie, mi weak, mi weak bad" so I may give in, but I would have done all things necessary up to that point to avoid coupling. Its gonna be a shitty trip because I would be flying back on my birthday....imagine 8 hrs on a plane when its your 'earthday'.....not that I am looking forward to getting closer to the grave....but it will be the first birthday since I started having sex that I would not be getting a little sumpn, sumpn, to start the day right.....you know.....a little early morning glory.
I guess I will have to deal one way or another....I sure wish I had better soft skills in this matter, cause I know my act will be discernible from a mile away, and he could take pleasure in watching me squirm.......but I gotta do it.....an untidy win is better than a pretty defeat.
I guess I don't trust myself to maintain my vexation when the possibility of having all access to the playground that is he is looming.....I would love to say that I would be aloof and strictly business but I am unsure. I do have a plan of action in the event that the word is yes though. I have a few friends there that I haven't seen in ages and I guess I could conscript them into blocking for me during the day....then all I have to worry about is at night, when the yearning and the ramblings in my head take over.
What if he makes a move? "Mi nah guh lie, mi weak, mi weak bad" so I may give in, but I would have done all things necessary up to that point to avoid coupling. Its gonna be a shitty trip because I would be flying back on my birthday....imagine 8 hrs on a plane when its your 'earthday'.....not that I am looking forward to getting closer to the grave....but it will be the first birthday since I started having sex that I would not be getting a little sumpn, sumpn, to start the day right.....you know.....a little early morning glory.
I guess I will have to deal one way or another....I sure wish I had better soft skills in this matter, cause I know my act will be discernible from a mile away, and he could take pleasure in watching me squirm.......but I gotta do it.....an untidy win is better than a pretty defeat.
Ramblings 7
I realized on the weekend that vices don't get rid of the pain.
I was captive to all my vices on the rainy weekend....fucking, smoking, drinking and flying off the handle..... they all only served to dull the pain enough for minimal relief......ultimately, as you drift back down from your climax, your demons stand face to face with you.... still yet unsolved.
You then have a choice, you can either light up, drink up or change to a 'backshot' position, to connect the feelings of euphoria, so that you have sustained "happiness" for a while, or you can throw away the crutch and lucidly deal with the problem. I opted for the former. Today, though, I will be a big girl and deal.
I was captive to all my vices on the rainy weekend....fucking, smoking, drinking and flying off the handle..... they all only served to dull the pain enough for minimal relief......ultimately, as you drift back down from your climax, your demons stand face to face with you.... still yet unsolved.
You then have a choice, you can either light up, drink up or change to a 'backshot' position, to connect the feelings of euphoria, so that you have sustained "happiness" for a while, or you can throw away the crutch and lucidly deal with the problem. I opted for the former. Today, though, I will be a big girl and deal.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Flashbacks
I have been internalizing a bit of news that came to me on Tuesday night......an ex of mine called to tell me he was getting married......he always wanted to and I was genuinely happy ( I think) for him when he shared.
I've said before that I have had just 2 great loves in my life thus far (unfortunately both ran concurrently for a few years).......he was my first (on all scores) and it lasted 10 or 11 years, I forget.....we had fundamental differences and issues as well, but we always did pretty well in the bedroom so you know it probably lasted longer than it should have.....he had plans of us living together in wedded bliss but never seemed able to keep his dick in his pants, but I think I was the "wifey".....while the cheating hurt...a lot, at times.....it was dulled by the fact that I too was cheating and also that he never seemed to have anyone steady (that I knew of of course)....I prefer this, men are less likely to have unprotected sex with several girls so there is some security in having him gallivanting.......safety then is only threatened by a faulty condom or something like that. When, however a man seeks to carry on a relationship with another woman he's not gonna use a condom, and I don't care what he says......frankly the woman wouldn't stand for it, usually.....unless of course she too is involved in her own game on the side.
Anyway.....we shared a lot, he knows me in many ways, he quelled my temper for a time, and he had the sweetest, biggest, thickest dick you could imagine.....I was in heaven...he also had a wonderful personality, it complimented my own usually cross, angry and miserable, quiet, strong type self.....he was the life of the party. But it was his partying that unravelled us some what...when you are pushing 28 and all you still think about is partying, then something is wrong....yes he wanted the marriage thing....which as you know scares the living daylight out of me....... but he also wanted to continue to live the single life....it seemed. Anyway we were finally undone by the allure of the Big Apple, the promise of opportunity, the glitz the glamour and of course, the city which parties all night long......so we tried the long distance thing, him flying out, me flying up...we both fucking other people in between those times, and it worked for a while.....I loved him dearly (the taking the virginity thing was a bitch of a hold to turn my back on).....he was my baby....unfortunately, he was my baby who wouldn't grow up. So we parted ways 3 or so years ago....with some "linking up" when I travel to North America....as I said we had few difficulties in the sex department and I likes what I likes.
Why does it bother me though?.....this news of his upcoming nuptials.......he will always have a place in my heart but I don't love him and we haven't fooled around in a year or so....Hmmmmmm. End of an era maybe??????
I've said before that I have had just 2 great loves in my life thus far (unfortunately both ran concurrently for a few years).......he was my first (on all scores) and it lasted 10 or 11 years, I forget.....we had fundamental differences and issues as well, but we always did pretty well in the bedroom so you know it probably lasted longer than it should have.....he had plans of us living together in wedded bliss but never seemed able to keep his dick in his pants, but I think I was the "wifey".....while the cheating hurt...a lot, at times.....it was dulled by the fact that I too was cheating and also that he never seemed to have anyone steady (that I knew of of course)....I prefer this, men are less likely to have unprotected sex with several girls so there is some security in having him gallivanting.......safety then is only threatened by a faulty condom or something like that. When, however a man seeks to carry on a relationship with another woman he's not gonna use a condom, and I don't care what he says......frankly the woman wouldn't stand for it, usually.....unless of course she too is involved in her own game on the side.
Anyway.....we shared a lot, he knows me in many ways, he quelled my temper for a time, and he had the sweetest, biggest, thickest dick you could imagine.....I was in heaven...he also had a wonderful personality, it complimented my own usually cross, angry and miserable, quiet, strong type self.....he was the life of the party. But it was his partying that unravelled us some what...when you are pushing 28 and all you still think about is partying, then something is wrong....yes he wanted the marriage thing....which as you know scares the living daylight out of me....... but he also wanted to continue to live the single life....it seemed. Anyway we were finally undone by the allure of the Big Apple, the promise of opportunity, the glitz the glamour and of course, the city which parties all night long......so we tried the long distance thing, him flying out, me flying up...we both fucking other people in between those times, and it worked for a while.....I loved him dearly (the taking the virginity thing was a bitch of a hold to turn my back on).....he was my baby....unfortunately, he was my baby who wouldn't grow up. So we parted ways 3 or so years ago....with some "linking up" when I travel to North America....as I said we had few difficulties in the sex department and I likes what I likes.
Why does it bother me though?.....this news of his upcoming nuptials.......he will always have a place in my heart but I don't love him and we haven't fooled around in a year or so....Hmmmmmm. End of an era maybe??????
A Matter of Confidence
I thought today about a rare commodity in this life....a commodity which rounds out the human experience whether positively or negatively....a commodity which defines great men and women and without which our ambition is but a whisper in the wind....CONFIDENCE.
The issue of confidence is a challenge to mold into a particular definition....it is the intangible manifestation of drive. But for as much good that redounds to those who possess it, confidence also prohibits the recognition and acceptance of realities.....confidence conspires within us all to create alternate realities and only the truly enlightened can discern when the drive for success is flawed and therefore requires adjustment for purposes of living.
Confidence is the antithesis of realism, which channels energy into our very psyche, our hearts, our souls.......demanding that you take the opportunities provided which are rightfully yours. There is no deterrent but self, no saving grace, it is difficult to undo once nurtured, it is the vein of existence and sometimes error thought.......possessing it can be harmful but not being so endowed is cataclysmic.
The issue of confidence is a challenge to mold into a particular definition....it is the intangible manifestation of drive. But for as much good that redounds to those who possess it, confidence also prohibits the recognition and acceptance of realities.....confidence conspires within us all to create alternate realities and only the truly enlightened can discern when the drive for success is flawed and therefore requires adjustment for purposes of living.
Confidence is the antithesis of realism, which channels energy into our very psyche, our hearts, our souls.......demanding that you take the opportunities provided which are rightfully yours. There is no deterrent but self, no saving grace, it is difficult to undo once nurtured, it is the vein of existence and sometimes error thought.......possessing it can be harmful but not being so endowed is cataclysmic.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Reality Check 2
There is so much wrong with this world that it seems irredeemable. What baffles me is that some people seem unconcerned with the murder rate, the injustices, the sickness and all the other problems plaguing our humanity. I have always believed that world hunger could be ended with a million dollars being donated by all our entertainers, businessmen etc....that's one less Benz in the driveway, one less plastic surgery, one less expansive house you never use......one less jet, yacht, basketball court in the house and so on. Just give.....It doesn't have to happen more than once really, just give...something back/forward.
People are dying for want of food and health care, developing countries are submerged in squalor and debt to "first world nations", youths no longer care about living beyond 22, some video games continue to encourage and promote euphoria in taking a life and seeing blood spilled..... where is the responsibility, has the love of money replaced our hearts? Can't we see what's happening around us?
I would love to see more meaningful talks which leads to ACTION, not motivated by political and strategic alliances, or opportunities for raping a nation, but fuelled instead by the need to do unto others as you would have them do unto you....we should always remember that but for the grace of God, it could be you......I would like to see an end to the wanton hypocrisy of the G8 nations.......I would like to see each member of this earth taking the responsibility for each other and helping where we can.
People are dying for want of food and health care, developing countries are submerged in squalor and debt to "first world nations", youths no longer care about living beyond 22, some video games continue to encourage and promote euphoria in taking a life and seeing blood spilled..... where is the responsibility, has the love of money replaced our hearts? Can't we see what's happening around us?
I would love to see more meaningful talks which leads to ACTION, not motivated by political and strategic alliances, or opportunities for raping a nation, but fuelled instead by the need to do unto others as you would have them do unto you....we should always remember that but for the grace of God, it could be you......I would like to see an end to the wanton hypocrisy of the G8 nations.......I would like to see each member of this earth taking the responsibility for each other and helping where we can.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
A Battle of Wills
Intoxicated.....I am drunk with this emotion.......I stopped when the room started spinning, when my ears burned, when my eyes glossed over and my jawline throbbed....I knew what was happening but it had gone too far by then......the process had commenced and I was again failed by my own capacity to vent.
My response to a request to "even out my tone" was to indicate that my tone was in fact quite even.....and that this was a lesser evil and paled in comparison to the real thing.......trust me....with my brows furrowed and my silence belying my true feeling, I battled with self to hold my tongue and not let it do further damage to his senses.....until he told me I was too quick to ire and should rein in my temper, then I did what any "not thinking too clearly" woman would, I hissed my teeth and continued to defy.......and now I am left asking why:
- am I always at the extremes of the poles when it comes to him
- he couldn't just give me the reins and let me lead for a while
- should I have to hold my tongue
- can't I speak in prettier words when I am upset
- am I filled with such passion
- should I change...love me or leave me
Monday, October 1, 2007
The Rise of an "Ego"
I commit from this point on to not make anymore commitments, because as sure as night follows day, my commitments to not answer his calls leads to an impromptu visit. He spent a couple of hours this time....thankfully, I was heavily guarded by my colleagues but there were moments when we were left alone and he tried the same kinda stunt like last week. I dodged though, but I am only human.....I gave in on the third try to embrace me, to kiss me, to whisper sweeeet nothings....so gullible I know, but I indulged myself.
He did not leave without pumping me for information about the new administration and the impact on our work and asking why I was so familiar with that guy on Friday. I thought "Que?" was overused so I gave the puzzled look and asked which guy? He shared that clearly I had wasted no time in finding a replacement distraction........I must admit to feeling a bit empowered by his jealousy, though it did dawn on me that being the player he was, he would be aware of the effects of such displays and milk it for all its worth. I explained that I hadn't seen him for a while and I had heard that he had done surgery, so a social hug was in order I thought. "So why did you have to do it when I was waiting for you"...."You were waiting for me?" I answered with as much surprise as I could muster.....In a rear display he told me to stop pissing him off....it was a day for firsts....is he finally loosening up......woohoo.
I went over to him, looked him deep in the eyes and whispered " You know I would never do anything to hurt you....right?" and then I kissed him...a deep lingering tender tongue lashing. When we came up for air I stated that though I ought not to be explaining myself to him, the gentleman was just a friend, a young friend at that, so he should know that I would'nt mess around with a guy under 38......though I knew this guy had always had a thing for me....(after all, he should have known that I don't give out hugs willy nilly)...... I also used the opportunity to indicate that I had assumed he was waiting to see my boss or something else. He was puzzled and I thought.... Yeah, let him deal with that display.
Score one for the ladies, only about 50 more notches to go.
Ramblings 6
I made it through last week...it was rough and with that near miss on Friday I am not too confident that this week will go any smoother. My trepidation grows each time there's a knock at my door, even though I know he wouldn't resort to the same tactic twice. I can't believe that I am this much of a wuss over this thing...thought I was one of those confident sexual beings that could deal in any pool.....I was wrong, life has given me lemons and I can't find my recipe for lemonade.
I am committed again this week to fighting all the forces of evil that are conspiring to f--k me up in this matter. Time alone will tell....now I know what Brian McNight was trying to capture in that song "...its been 6 months , 8 days, 12 hours .....I miss you so much and I don't know what to say. I should be over you, I should know better, but its just not the case......" Song writers, gotta luv em.
It's been 6 days, but I wish it were 6 months cause then I would be closer to letting it all go. Its been a busy day so far, not much time for indulgence.....he is never too far from my mind though...this I don't mind, cause ongle mi one know dat time, its when I get foolish and call that I have a problem.....I do wish though that there was a switch I could employ.
I am committed again this week to fighting all the forces of evil that are conspiring to f--k me up in this matter. Time alone will tell....now I know what Brian McNight was trying to capture in that song "...its been 6 months , 8 days, 12 hours .....I miss you so much and I don't know what to say. I should be over you, I should know better, but its just not the case......" Song writers, gotta luv em.
It's been 6 days, but I wish it were 6 months cause then I would be closer to letting it all go. Its been a busy day so far, not much time for indulgence.....he is never too far from my mind though...this I don't mind, cause ongle mi one know dat time, its when I get foolish and call that I have a problem.....I do wish though that there was a switch I could employ.
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