Guiltiness......Resting On My Conscience

I am dealing with a lot of guilt....that's why I don't mess with married men...its hard...too hard to deal. As if I needed something else to complicate this confused and rambling existence.

I got what I wanted......I laid him down, I bumped and ground to the point of exhaustion, but still I was not satisfied. What are the wages of sin?.......

After our session, I found myself awake in the night cuddling and watching this man sleep.......I have never liked a sleeping man, seems he should be doing something more constructive, like me......anyway he did admit to feeling ill.

As I drifted off to sleep, his phone rang, I assumed it was wifey or a more established other. I was perturbed......did I mention that I am as jealous as they come?..... Well I am, but I held my tongue.

In the morning, as I shuffled and shivered from a night too cold....I found excuses when he asked why I didn't like to be held when I slept. I remember thinking that he was too keen, but I felt him chase me down on the bed throughout the night. The real cause being my inability to compartmentalize, jealousy and sexual frustration as well as an overburdened conscience.....I needed to repent......It was too much.

Usually I am pretty good with forgetting a face, a name, a dick, at least for a bit.....this time though I was having difficulty...he knew me so much he asked if he could stay for a bit......I am accustomed to looking at the clock and in essence encouraging men to leave my bed, especially if the job was not done well......but I laughed and told him he could stay as long as he liked. I was torn though, as I thought of Boogie laying at home.....hopefully alone......who in the day had expressed his deep wish for me to come home to warm his bed and kiss his forehead. As I kissed another and held him close, the betrayal of Boogie rambled in my mind.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. Its been too long that I have jaunted in this unholy meadow. So many people to be affected, so many axes to grind......I wish I could deal better cause now I feel like shit, and it must end.

I got what I wanted, I needed the time. He was too open with his seeming affection, which almost made me believe the concept of there being more....more to explore, more to hate, more to frig with, more to connect with. He was too much more for me. Did he hit the spot? Briefly, but not sufficient for an explosion. I will go with the flow and hope that he didn't feel all of me, and await the day when I feel him flowing out of my system, out of me...the day when I am rescued from this obsession.

I have decided to leave the memories behind, some 37 or 8 thousand miles across the sea. I will leave it all; the connection he was; the trepidation I feel. He was too much, not the fucking.....I was undone by the infernal cuddling.....it was too much to ask of a girl who, prior to now, had always ensured that moments like that were only shared with Boogie. I was undone by his statement of my unlocking all the love I have in me......I wanted to tell him that I had and it was all Boogie's and that now I will be left to think about my cheating ways and how to face my Boogie with this scar on the fabric of my conscience, on my soul....how would I face Boogie with the knowledge that he moved me, something I cannot define in him, moved me.