I wanted to clarify that I know that I am cheating on Boogie with this thing....that much I will admit. This conclusion however is only possible because I have gotten a little more caught up in this escapade than I would have normally, and thus I have committed emotional infidelity as well as the physical. If I had, as is customary, lead the process then I would have gotten enough of what I wanted and this probably would have ended several moons ago.
That said, Boogie is not the issue here.....we have mended the breach in the armour and we are in a good place...he no longer stifles me with his presence and I pretend not to be concerned with the opportunity he now has to prove "the world is a circle" theory.
My thoughts, in light of my difficulty with dealing with this "....", ........I don't even have a name for it anymore......is that I need to accept certain realities i.e. that there is no fire for me on his part, and I need to move on.
In pursuit of this desired outcome I have tried the 'wait it out, it will pass' thing, I have tried the 'be the strong black woman, I will survive' bit, I have tried the 'you'll get over it' thing, I have tried the 'be angry at the world' thing....(this wasn't too hard to get into by the way), I have requested and received good advice on the matter, all ending with, 'you will heal and be stronger for it'....I have tried the 'time will heal you' thing......none have worked. My commitments to moving on have fallen by the wayside each time....I am simply not strong enough I now admit. My only other hope is to channel my energy for him into another so that I stem the flow of stupidity....I have always said, the quickest way to get over a man is to take another....and right now that is the only option I have not explored.
Everything is upside down....I have no confidence in this area anymore, and I cannot function like that. Being able to play the game well is a big part of my life....I am tired of losing. I am trying with all my might to not use this trip as fertile ground for indulging myself in him so I have to put things in place to stop me from creating a situation where he feels he has me wrapped up (You and I know that he does for now, but I don't want it to continue) enough to constantly mess with me and my head. The only way to do that is to refocus myself and exploit another. The only problem is, as I made the call to link up my Ex, a question mark appeared in my mind.....I felt like I would be cheating on him....weird right?
Thus, recognising the desired outcome, I had to answer certain questions, hence yesterday's post.
My thoughts in this matter are:
- If there is speculation about whether there is a relationship after all this time then there is none. If there is no certainty/clarity as to the expectations from both parties then you can't be cheating.
- A distraction is a distraction, it means nothing but sometimes needs to happen to refocus you...it takes the edge off so that you can deal from a better place....a less emotional place. It will be the buffer in the time of search for or demonstration of patience. Therefore, it cannot be cheating.
- Can you really cheat on the person you are cheating with? If he is the reason for you to seek 'extra-adultery' sex/companionship then in my mind the regular rules ought not to apply. The jury is still out on that one.
- What you don't know won't hurt you, so if I am very discreet then it will be as if it never happened. He can go on thinking that I am a nice, though dirty mouthed, little girl and that it just didn't work between us because I got too caught up. Which isn't entirely untrue.
- The thing about distractions is that they are usually short lived......so Pandora's box can be closed and real life as we know it, can continue.
Posts
4 comments:
If he is the reason for you to seek 'extra-adultery' sex/companionship then in my mind the regular rules ought not to apply.
You have to ask yourself about this one. You seem to believe that some person outside of yourself is controlling you. That most certainly is not true. The nerve endings in your body are connected to your brain, not someone else's.
I don't say this to condemn in a moral sense. I say it for you to accept that you are in control of this and that you choose to rate yoruself as a person based on what a third party things about you. Once that choice is made, the rest is automatic. But you have to be aware that this is the choice you are making and that it is this choice, not someone else.
Then you get to ask yourself "Am I happy living the way I do?"
Annonymous.....I am very familiar with my nerve endings and where they lead. I do accept my responsibility for my actions and it is my brain which is telling me to do all things necessary to snap out of this funk.....my pride won't let me change jobs anytime soon, so our paths will cross eventually...and I would just prefer if my head could be held high once again (I did say my confidence was at rock bottom).
I can't help not liking this weak person I am now....the last time I was happy with myself was prior to this rubbish so what's another strike.
I agree with Anonymous, Emancipated! That is exactly why I replied to your post as I did. THose questions can only be answered by you. Other people's thoughts are shaped by their experiences and won't necessarily be applicable to your situation. So what do you feel? Go with that. I have read all your posts I believe although I may not remember them all but it seems as if there is a tug-o-war. You refuse to let go and just be. When you can't fight it, go with the flow. You admitted that you were not strong, a bold and courageous move, WE ONLY DO WHAT WE WANT TO DO
ReggaeB....I know.
Post a Comment