Christmas Eve

Christmas is a wonderful time of year. For me, it makes for good clean fun reminiscent of childhood days when all you could think about doing was playing and playing and playing some more with the gifts received prior to the big day and those bestowed on us thereafter. Christmas time was a time for expressions of love, through a feast of fruit cake, ham, gungo peas rice and peas, sorrel drink, potato salad, homemade macaroni and cheese…and in my household….nuff, nuff alcohol.

I grew up and added to the old traditions, the act of sex. Sex should be engaged in every day leading up to the big day, provided you have good health and strength. On the night of Christmas Eve, sleep should only be had after 4 full hours of lovemaking, one of the only truly ‘free’ mutually beneficial gifts you can give each other in this time……at least, that’s how Christmas used to be.

My Christmas Eve was spent in the arms of an Ex with whom I am hopelessly enamored. He carries my heart and pussy in his hands, and he knows it. Our feeble attempts at friendships, bredrendom, never really bear good fruit cause close proximity leads to error deeds. This motha fucka can transform his hands into surgical tools which injects wave upon wave of pleasure through your skin to your core. Raw emotion filled sex which curls your toes, raises your body temperature, unravels all your defenses, strips you of your cares but for the sating of an animal need…..this man has “It” whatever ‘It’ is, and he uses it so well. He can remove the stress of the world from your shoulders and make you thankful for the blessings he gives. This man needed no invitation to touch your soul with his hot breath on your skin as he teases, and coaxes your nipples into rigid peaks, with his tongue and teeth. With this kinda man you pay for a “Beowolf” type rescue to avoid your retreating into stupidity.

Its amazing how two people can be so compatible sexually but such failures at the other parts of the relationship institution.

We started with an agreement not to let it get too far and since our history had determined that he was more likely the rock which could conform to such a commitment, I was comfortable with the deal. It wasn’t until I was absorbed by a backrub from those long fingers that my focus shifted from platonic interaction to something much, much more erotic. With each stroke of his hands across my back I trembled for his touch. My uncontrolled gyration as he hit the right spot with the pressure of his thumbs cemented my doom. He traced the line of my spine down to the small of my back, and commenced a slow, soothing kneading of my ass. The small fire in the pit of my stomach graduated very quickly to full strength bringing with it full realization of my need to fuck this man.

With this in mind I didn’t resist him prompting me to turn over; I counted to ten as his lips covered my nipples, I lost track of counting when his hand traced the outline of my pussy through the cotton tights; I tried my damnedest to not give in when he replaced his hand with his mouth…….I really tried. But I am only human, the weaker sex at that, I caved in and savoured his body like a draw of good weed. I slowly enticed him to grow harder, kissing every inch of him until he dragged me from my knees and spread my legs to taste my sweet. The coarseness of his tongue against the delicate flesh was orgasmic but I resisted the need to cum at that moment. I wanted him to spend some time on me, to touch me as if we were still a “We”, and he delivered like the fucker he is.

He whispered instructions for me to cum in his mouth and that was simply too fine a request to deny….so I straddled his face, easing a sensitive already swollen clit down to the warmth of his eager lips. He moaned as he licked the length of my outer lips, the taste of me too much to take without verbal confirmation of his enjoyment. I held my nerve and stayed the course well I think as I rode his face and listened to enchanting sounds of saliva, pussy juice, an engorged clit all in the hands of a connoisseur.

In between my own moans I stole looks down at the source of all my pleasure and found his eyes wide open enjoying my reaction to each stroke. A smile crossed my lips at his cocksuredness. I broke his contact then, and licked my juices from his lips, goatee and tongue. His arms held me securely in place when I attempted to break the kiss and I didn’t mind resting in that position for a bit. His strong tongue wreaked havoc on my jumping pussy, which dripped with anticipation for full exploration from this maestro.

I obeyed when he positioned me atop his body and slid his cock deep within me. I appreciated his hands on my hips directing my actions. I especially enjoyed the moments when I got it just right and his hands fell to his sides and gripped the bed linen….he did well under me as I nibbled his nipples while his dick thrusted deeper and deeper into me and my clit grated against the hair on his pelvis, the double stimulation was heavenly.

As I balanced on his dick I felt his passion build to a frenzy, he was about to cum. Not wanting the session to end too quickly, I asked him to wait for me and he lifted me to his side with one movement. His heavy breathing, his kisses on my shoulders down the line of my tummy and over my clit were too much to bear in silence, so I groaned and moaned under his manipulation. ‘He was gifted’ was the last thought I had as I erupted under the darting, sucking strokes of his mouth on my clit. My release was ripped from my body and I convulsed and held his head in place to empty every drop of me into his mouth.

Saving myself from further indulgence in this destructive being with his sorcery in love making will be a resolution for the looming New Year.

Positions

I must admit that I have always loved the ‘Backshot’/”Doggy style”. It demonstrates how the man/woman relationship should really be, in a perfect world.

The way he stands over your bent back which puts on show the arch of your back, the surrender of your shoulders, the curve of your waist and hips, the round of your ass and thighs which holds it all up. And if your ass isn’t too big, or he cocks his head just right, he could see just a tease of pink wet flesh.

There’s a lot to be pleased with. Take for example the feel of his fingers splayed across your ass cheeks as he spreads the mounds to see more clearly….his rubbing and fluttering fingertips over the head of your clit while he looks down on your writhing body…. the way your pussy starts to moisten at the thought of him thrusting forcefully in…..his moan when he recognizes the increased sprinkling activity and replaces his fingers with the head of his dick….the slow tantalizing stroke he starts….. the jolt of pleasure this action triggers up your spine and down into your womb….his parting of your legs further as he settles into position to deliver a fuck the likes of which you have never seen….the incremental acceptance of your pussy as it opens sufficient to receive him…..the spiraling thoughts which flood your mind as you try to concentrate on not cumming from the one stroke…..his gruff ahhhhhh as all or most of the inches rest deep within you and he rocks it twice just to be sure its secure…..the slow build up to the fucking part as you both work at getting the rhythm just right…..his ability in that position to be completely in charge or dependent, giving you an opportunity to slide the full length in and out and sometimes, if its comfortable enough, work your hips and ass into a wining frenzy as you listen to his control of self slip away under the stroking tightness….him catching himself in time, to not bring an abrupt end to the session, and fucking you until you try to wriggle free…. Him holding you in place despite your pleas…..how the shift of power in palpable as try again to take charge and match his strokes and wine him into submission….the feel of his strength as he slaps your ass to punish it for taking him so close to the edge…how fucking great the slaps on your ass feel….the natural uncontrolled clench and release of your pussy muscles under this treatment…..the force of his strokes as he accepts finally that he will cum, soon……his dirty words and sweat soaked body slapping against yours until finally you both release…………..the weight of his body on yours as he rests for a minute, with his dick in place inside of you…..your squeezing and release to milk him as he descends from his high…….falling asleep under him, imprisoned and happy to be in the position.

Yep, the Backshot is one of my favourite positions.

INTRIGUE

One should always try to be on the right side of intrigue...to err in this realm is detrimental......though some indulgence is permitted, and may even be the spark you need to reconnect with your creative self, an aspect of your life you had cast by the wayside, a talent buried and wasted in pursuit of monetary rewards, a necessity for life, you accept that this time, it may be better to turn your back.

The right injection of intrigue, can be sufficient to rekindle the embers of that self you loved so much and you become thankful for the catalyst, though you relaise that you may also become too comfortable in this space because its too easy to lead him astray with your words, with your imaginings expressed in verse, and you increasingly become intoxicated with the power it gives.

Good thing you are experienced in the evils of intrigue, a lesson learnt too long ago to ingnore the warning signs, so you don't indulge much more and you allow acquaintanceship/bredrendom to unfold......if he will only allow it to.

Light Reading

I like, no love, a man in a suit. A well made suit that is, with beautiful accent colour shirt and tie, pants fitting his ass and hanging nicely in the front…(not the tailor's responsibility)….top that off with a nice pair of shoes and matching belt and I will walk up to him and tell him he is wearing the hell out of the suit. That aside, there's something about a thug too…wife-beater, jeans (hanging nicely in the front as well), timberlands and dew rag, possibly. There's something dangerously sexy about that, especially if he has that US "I've been to prison and decided to work out for the duration of my sentence" body.

Last Friday was a girlfriend's earthday and a few of us got together for a little celebration. It started at the house after work, we had wine, easy dinner and a whole lot of conversation. At about 10:00 p.m, we decided to "guh si weh deh pon di road" . We got dressed and I must say that we were a well blended set, the cute, the sophisticated and the chic, all touching on the various constructs of sexy, I think. We settled on a nice little dive close to home, cause some of us were already half drunk and didn't want to stray too far.

We toasted the birthday girl for her fifth go round at "Age-25" and settled in for a great night. We chatted and danced and refused drinks as we went along until I relaised that I was in the company of women who were married or in committed relationships and needed to represent for my single sisters...or those wishing to be free from captivity, whichever.

I flirted with a few, danced with one while eying another and invited him to join me and the other him, but then I grew bored. Some men are really weird (but that's another post).
Back in the fold, I ordered a Hieneken having grown tired of the water I was drinking to counteract the wine. Seems everyone was waiting for me to break loose so it was a round of liquor for all…I hate drinking alone. I encouraged them to drink, flirt, dance enjoy themselves, afterall, the spouses weren't around and when next would they get an opportunity like this to be fancy free. We work too hard for everyday indulgence in this stuff, so why not enjoy the night out. There was agreement and things really got interesting. Had I known that there would have been overindulgence in the clothed flesh, I wouldn't have given such a resolute charge. But I figured they were big girls and knew entirely what they were doing. In the midst of the party, we 'cheersed' and laughed and became the life of a section of the room. It was hard not to notice us.

It was in the throws of a standing toast that I spotted, Mr. Thug. Damn…he was nice. The small enough Tee was accentuating his chest and nipples, arms that you knew could deadlift your weight with ease as he positions you to accept a gift, and…he was wearing the hell out of the pair of jeans. Thighs, that made you wish to be under them, long legs which led to God only knows where, he was a specimen….and that swagger mmmmmm. I was snapped back to reality, by laughter at my reaction to the passerby. "A girl can't help looking" I apologized, and continued with the business of partying.

Its amazing how you can know when someone is watching. So as I danced with a youngish suitor, I put on a Broadway befitting show. I glimpsed him from time to time but he seemed comfortable with just watching so I stopped performing. There's nothing quite like a 'Thuggy' Player, who seemingly had been exposed to this game before and was therefore very unaffected by my actions. I caught his eye for a bit and as we played 'who could look away first', he raised his glass for a sip of something blue and nodded in my direction, for my purposes I assumed it was Hypnotic….not a bad drink, very refreshing…. . I returned the compliment and averted my gaze.

He was something to look at, but he was getting too cocky with my obvious interest, so I put him behind me. It was a good night, we left at 4 in the morning after chatting and drinking in the car park for an hour, dissecting the night's events. As we chatted, I noticed a green Landcruiser with a lone driver moving slowly in our direction. Given the upsurge of criminality in the country I suggested to the group that we pile into our cars quickly. Being women, this was an exercise, so before we could all pile into the two vehicles, the man and his beast of a vehicle were upon us. We decided to play it tough…enough, and acted as though there was protection and strength in numbers. With lights on and moving at 2 miles per hour it approached. Shit. You always should buss a little prayer in these situations, if you believe, help will come…..we believed.

As it came closer I was able to distinguish through the heavy tint, a familiar body….it was the Thug. He stopped and greeted us with a wonderful "Good morning", with eyes trained on me. As is customary therefore, one has to pretend at the end of a wild night, that "It wasn't you" so I organized a group recited thank you and similar wish (you know, like when you were in primary school and the teacher comes into the class) it was a chorus of voices and he smiled, winked at me, and drove away.

As I reflect today on the matter, I can't help liking a Big man's approach to these things, he knew it was just flirting and left it at that. There was no expectation of numbers passing, no pressure at all. Nice.

A Real Woman

If there is one fault I find with men its that they never really are able to distiguish a real woman, from amidst the bevy of females who present themselves for interest. I wish sometimes they could look beyond the physical appeal...the luscious lips, the full chest, the curves and tiny waist, the sweet smile, the scent of her...the piece of ass she is, and look for one moment, at the real her...what's inside.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes what's inside is pumpous, shallow and ugly...but in some instances, in some weird twist of life she is much, much more. She is a being, an individual, she is love, she is drama, she is a treasure, she is a woman of worth, no matter who she is on the outside, or her circumstances.

A Real Woman:

- Gets the job done no matter what the cost
- Walks tall while feeling low
- Sells her greatest asset for food for her children
- Takes no bows for changing minds and perceptions
- Sees no impediment to loving her family and man more than herself
- Gets hurt when her love is cast aside
- Aches for her man and uses another to ease the pain
- Keeps herself chaste for the man of her dreams yet will frig him up in anyway she can
- Marvels at the sunset and weeps for her soul
- Suspends her own dreams and aspirations to assist whoever she can
- Has a voice like an angel and only sings for her sons
- Is patient enough to learn a lesson in patience
- Can forgive the most heinous of crimes against her
- Can make love to Tom in the morning, John in the afternoon and her husband in the evening and none would know the difference
- Is not threatened by self proclaimed usurpers
- Allows a man to be a man, accepting his faults and his good bits :)

A real Woman will always be woman enough for whatever life throws at her.

Overused Pot of Dreams

If he were here on this Rock, on this day, I would throw caution and my work assignments to the wind and rest for 2 days in his arms on a beach on the North Coast. I would hold my heart up to the sun and hope he sees right through to my core.

Then I would treat him to a sweet taste of the me I reserve only for my Boogie, all of me. I would wrap my arms around him as he slept, brush my lips against his forehead for no reason and whisper forbidden words until he springs into action.

I would lead him to stand as I fall to my knees, eager, unrelenting, to please. I would meet his point with hungry lips and tongue....sliding him in inch, by glorious inch until my throat ached from the pressure of the foreign object, now resting deep within. I would place his hands at the back of my head and encourage him to maximize the thrusting effect as he fills my mouth and I would relish my own juicy response. That throb, that burn in the pit of my loins, acknowledging that male presence and the good vibes it evoked.

I would encourage him to feel my response and watch as he runs his fingers soaked in my sweet release, across his tongue.....then I would open my own mouth for a sample of me on his lips and fingertips, and he would oblige. How sweet it would be.

I would spend two days at his feet. These 2 days would be like there were no others to follow, like life and love depended on me and only me in this time, and I would love him for every minute, however and where ever he liked.

I would surrender my mind and body to his needs, I would pray for the sun to give me the gift of time and stay high in the sky each day until he had to go, with memories of me in tow, back to his life, where I am but a figment of his imagination, cause he knows who and how I am ....and he knows he will always be but one, despite my actions in the two days, he would know and accept that would always remain just one of those whom I choose to release myself to.

Stupid Things Happen Sometimes

Men need to decide what they want and communicate that effectively to the people they are, or plan to mess with. he gave me "permission" to play, the evidence is here, why then did he get upset when I called to share??? I thought we were being real, I thought it was all good, but now I don't know what to think.....He won't take my calls....I thought he was mature.

Why didn't he just say, "wait for me, don't go play"? Then I would have played, but he would'nt have known. I made reference to the need for a handbook "Understanding Men 101" for these situations, and I renew my call. Why is he doing, what he's doing...I thought this would have been good...I could review the session with him and he would have been stimulated at the imagery, a least that's what I thought. Why did he get cross when I told him I had found a replacement him, "temporary" he said...No said I, cause I am as yet not sure where his lust lies, and without a tangible demonstration of his wants, I could not claim to be his nor him mine...the deal having not yet been sealed.

He should have said what he wanted, he should have just said no, then we would'nt be doing this over some guy, he nor I even really knows. What the Fuck????

If truth be told, I was careful in my choice of the other him....he was built like, him, brown in complexion, cause I'm an equal opportunity player, but even through the session, my thoughts were not on this him, but who I really wanted.....I tried my best not to even rest in his arms the entire night....I left him in the bed, there is nothing, there was nothing, he performed a base function, standing in the gap, until the apple of my desire comes back. Why would he think it is more than just that. Please someone, heed my cry....give me the power to read men's minds.

Crappy B' Day

It was an unfortunate birthday....I got dressed up really nice, went into work and had a good enough day...lots of peeps wishing and singing me happy birthday (they are crazy:-))...then the evening came and with it also came the realisation that I was gonna be alone on my earthday. That I didn't get a hug from a lover on my birthday, that I was truly single.........I did not react well to this fact..denial is a bitch and I had actually convinced myself that this state of being was temporary... but now I know I was wrong, this is who I am now...sad as that may be.

So I had girlfriends bend over backwards to lift my vibe at 9:00 p.m and it worked, momentarily. We went for a drink and we did some stupid stuff. In the midst of it all it was not lost on me that I had bottomed out now....here I was a nice enough looking woman who could do nothing else on her birthday but go out with girlfriends???? that's just wrong. A suh di life guh though.

Reflection and Hope For Better

If I were to write a book about my life it would be interesting in parts, but mostly boring.

Too much time was spent watching time pass.....
Too many actions went without appropriate reaction...
Too much indulgence in reaction occurred....
Too long I waited for change not recognising I am the change agent.....
Too much disregard for feelings unfolded.....
Too light a touch was taken to the regulation of self ......
Too many lessons were learnt the hard way when the writing was on the wall....
Too much time was spent being stubborn and not letting go.....
There was too much engagement in the wrong things.

As I wait with apprehension for the next 7 hrs and 15 Mins to elapse, signalling the end of another year of my life where stupidity reigned supreme, I can't help but pray that the ushering in of a new year will result in a new dawn for me...a new approach to life and living. I pray for wisdom and understanding, discernment and grace...cause I cannot be who I was this year again.

Following the silly path reaps no good reward. Unless one is prepared to learn from the mistakes made, then....and only then, when the lessons have been learnt by our mind, body, soul and heart, can you truly move away from fruitless endeavours and rest triumphantly with confidence in self.

Maturity

I interrupted Mr. ATL's thinking time with the following text yesterday......" I have a wet p---y, an entire day to f--k and no available cocksmen to share it with...." He responded well.

In the end he reasoned with me saying that though he would have preferred to frig me first after my hiatus from sex, he understood that I had feelings too and he couldn't stand in the way, especially from so far, of my meeting my needs by any means necessary. He told me to go play until he can take over the reins and ride me himself. I was touched......What did I say about him being too mature.

Other than him and the Player, I usually have men that are jealous as heck...I couldn't raise this matter let alone have this kind of frank discussion about the issue with them....Boogie came closest but his knowledge of my dabblings would come after the fact, when my conscience couldn't bear it anymore or I wanted to hurt him.....this is interesting territory.

Mr ATL prefaced his "permission" with information about being unable to come back to JA before next year..... so I will definitely need a buffer in the months to come. He said he wouldn't be mad, and if I felt like, I could tell him how the session went...whether it was worth it....what the fuck??? I must admit a part of me is titillated by the thought of him listening in on a session...I will work on making that happen. He's a freak and I like him. He had one warning though, for me to be 'careful' as I played....all safety gear should be worn.....I agreed wholeheartedly cause mi 'fraid a HIV...the condom takes a lot away from the experience but it is a necessity. He also asked that I play but not get caught up....I was to save that for him he said. In a better time and place I would have been tickled by this revelation, not now though, cause its all a game.

He's a nice bredren and I knew he would come around. He may be one of those fuck buddies...ever present in your life for one purpose and one purpose only...fi mek yuh haffi tun di p---y to the fan fi cool it off afta him done wuk.

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On another note, my bredren/friend has informed me that he will be leaving the island at the end of the month to go pursue studies in England....damnit....we have plans for this weekend.....got to give and get one last hurrah. I guess I will need an entirely new Distraction to play with in the months to come, or fall back into some old but fulfilling habits.....what is to be will be.

Unexpected and Unnecessary Emotions

I think I've said before in this Blog that I don't like responding to people when I am angry...soooo when I received a message from Mr. ATL at 4:00 a.m. on Saturday morning hoping that I was dreaming about him, I took some time to respond. Truth be told I awoke at 4:04 a.m cause the phone would not stop the infernal alert.....so I accessed, read and went back to bed having only gotten in at 2:30 a.m from the "set-up".

Last night I felt I was in a better place so I responded saying that I had just heard the song La bamba and I would dream about him using his tongue in a similar fashion on a particular part of my body that night. He responded saying my "...dreams will come through soon". I don't know what he had hoped to hear but I sent a message saying that "I know and I would benefit from all he had to offer when the time was right". I meant nothing venomous....I wasn't trying to play a game, I think I merely stated a fact.....clearly, with my reservations and his procrastination in the matter, maybe it would be better if we tried to undress and enjoy each other at another point in our lives...when things aren't so, complicated.

His response revealed that he had not taken the comment in the way it was intended. He asked whether it was impatience that led me to call it off or was I just trying to mess with him and if so why was I sending him mixed signals....What the.....I tried to remain even keeled but it did not work....I spoke about what I meant and midway through my explanation it dawned on me that I had no obligation to this man and ought not to be explaining my actions or words to him. I started getting too pissed so I lied and told him I couldn't get into the matter at the time and had to go.....is he for real???

Yuh si how life work....last year I had a Distraction who was too caught up in himself and who guarded his emotions like Fort Knox, and now I am being Distracted by a man who seems committed to showing too much emotion too soon...mi really salt. He needs to stop that.

I actually thought I was doing the mature thing...taking a step back and letting this one pass cause I cannot deal with another man who is a beacon of patience.....I want passion. I want a man who will take all necessary steps to ensure our mutual satisfaction....I want a man who will not hesitate to seize any opportunity to school me in the sins of the flesh......I want a man who will not tell me that my brother will stand between us getting together, one who won't think that I will not touch something else until I can touch him...and one who won't get upset when I indicate no willingness to follow the plan patiently. Patience is not a virtue I possess so why should I go down this road....I already waited in vain once, it won't happen again. I will leave him to do and feel whatever he thinks is best for him. He's nice to talk to so I see no reason why we can't be bredrens....I will give him some time.

Mood Swings

I went to Devon House and had some of their world famous ice cream.......needless to say....I'm in a better mood. An injection of chocolate, fat and sugar always does the job....I topped it all off with a Whopper and fries and I am in a better place now......about a fifteen hundred calories more of me to love, but I don't give a ....

I haven't completely snapped out of the funk nor do i think I will for the rest of the day cause as the cold night rolls in, I am sure I will have angry regrets yet again.....for now though, I'm okay.

Sometimes we wallow in self pity, we allow our minds to upset our equilibrium with negative thoughts and we forget that we have been through worse and therefore have yielded to the dramatic tortured artist part of us which ultimately is never a good space to be in, but we relish the moments of connectedness to this perceived deeper being who feels more than anyone should......and we indulge for as long as our rational thinking selves will allow. My rational self is a little harder to find so I wallow a little longer than I should but deep down I know I will be fine........it was not my first experience and it will not be my last.

I have a set-up tonight that i don't want to go to but will have to. I 'm representing my brother who was just here and can't make it back for his Godmother's funeral......she was a good enough lady...always looking out for his interest......we spent too many Sunday mornings at her home roasting fish and crabs and conch we caught with Daddy earlier in the morning......we had too many sharing of said food with all the persons who would drop by her house.....we spent too many of the other days of the week playing with her kids and learning about our bodies when adults weren't looking.....we crept out of the house too many times with Daddy on the weekend to just guh easy inna har back yaad....we spent too much time in her presence for me not to go pay my respect.

I only hope I don't get caught up thinking about the fleeting nature of life, and the inevitability of death.....especially so close to the anniversary of my own mother's separation from this life.

Moments

I thought in time my mind would embrace this state of being wholly and completely........I'm not there yet. Singledom is not all its crapped up to be.

The devil sent me a saviour last evening at a time when I felt I would tear the hair from my head in clumps just to counteract the yearning for male contact. I knew I could've woven sweet words together to transform the business call into something more exciting and maybe even organize, if his schedule would allow, a session where I could explore his body while honing expertise for a greater challenge but.......I was an obedient girl. I stayed true to my renewed commitment to keeping all of God's commandments and I survived the night, even after he hung up and I kicked myself for being so good, and clenched my fists so that I could not dial him back.

This morning though, I am filled with regret.....which I think is a better emotion than what I would be dealing with were I to have been unsuccessful in restraining myself from committing error deeds. Had I indulged myself I would probably be filled with guilt and hurt this morning, and that wouldn't be good.

Why am I torturing myself? Because I remember wailing upon the Lord to deliver me, countless times, last year from my stupid besotted state and he answered my call. I figure, in light of this gift, the least I can do is try to be a better being by adhering the best I can to his tenets for life....especially the whole Thou Shalt Not covet, lust, commit adultery and fornicate laws. As well as the fact that I think my game is too weak so I should protect myself and not engage in the game until I am more focused and resolute in my approach.

I am not the strongest person so maintaining this effort, like everything else I try to do, is proving challenging. So today, I wish I could get a hug....the type that relieves all the stress, the type that only two people who are blessed with love can share. That qualifier eliminates any options I would have. Today is therefore a very sad moment in my life.

Feeling the Feeling

Today is a rainy, gloomy, wishing I could be tongue lashed day.

Its amazing how the moment you start engaging in sexual activity the thoughts and urges become even stronger instead of dissipating.....this is not good. The thing is, I don't want Boogie, the Player has been interesting of late but I'm not motivated enough to mess with him (I guess once bitten.....) so I don't want him either.....that leaves my bredren/friend, who is too far away to assist in this time....bottom line therefore is......like I-Maroon song seh "....Mi salt, mi salt, mi salt..."

Growing Pains

Sometimes I like being single....other times it gets on my nerve. I require stability.....I'm tired of messing around now. I counted the number of men I have in the offing and I was ashamed of myself.....I need to stop destroying myself and my relationships...I need to stop changing the rules as I go along, I need to be less angry when I don't get what I want.....in essence, I probably need to grow up a bit.

Its hard though. Its like being on a roller coaster where initially you move away from the offending issues but eventually you realise that you keep returning to the same issues, only with different people....this tells you therefore that the problem isn't them, but you. How do you fix something like that? Getting professional help did cross my mind...but I don't think so.

Case in point......I had a rough week last week, I particularly had a black Monday which ended well I thought cause as I pulled up to my gate that evening, so did Boogie, like an Angel sent to rescue me from the evils of this world...if only for a night. Needless to say I was very accommodating. We made dinner, laughed a bit and messed around a lot. We were good up to his departure at around 2 a.m. I slept well.

I was extremely busy the next day so the fact that he had not called to say hey was disturbing but I couldn't focus much attention on that fact at the time. As the evening dragged on however, it became very present in my mind. I checked my voice mail only to find that he had called. He sped over the how are you, and asked me for a number for my brother.....I got pissed. When he turned up at my gate that night, I indicated that my brother wasn't at home...since that's all he really wanted to know. Sensing that all was not well, he asked what the problem was "now"...that pushed me over the edge.....I display, usually, two types of anger...there's the loud one, and then there's the barely whispering type. The latter is the most scary for me and others I think.....the latter is used when it hurts so much, that you can't even compel yourself to talk about the issue. This was who he saw after that comment. I was holding on to myself from the tips of my toes to every strand of hair on my head......I wanted to "paan a big stick and ef him a @#%&* lick"...that would have been really, really wrong, so I whispered goodbye and asked him to lock the door on his way out. He left eventually in total disbelief at my behaviour and my lack of motivation to even tell him why I was being the way I was being.

We spoke yesterday though, when he asked again what was wrong....I told him I hadn't expected to be treated like a "slap"....not by him...I expect my distractions to treat with me in this way, I usually am not upset, cause it is what it is with them, with him though, I expected.....better. You see, the love I have for him is sooo deep that at times I wonder if I will ever be possessed with the right words to convey how much I feel for him......so if he treats me like trash, then I hurt as deeply as I love him......"that's a whole heap a hurt".....now he can never convince me that that isn't all I am to him. I guess I cause these thngs on myself though. Everytime I cross the line with him it hurts....that can't be good.

He apologized....he told me that he could never treat me like that and that our relationship means much more to him than a "slap", and that I should know better......but men never really think about how women view their actions, they assume we are like them and will understand, at all times, what they mean by what they say, do or don't do.....this is an error, and I am a proud girl, and he will never be able to convince me that I wasn't and am not considered as just a fuck....I will never get over this one.

It has made it clear in my mind that I need to move on. I need to invest my energy in finding a partner...not a distraction, not just someone for sex cause it feels good to play with their strings, but a companion someone to go home to at night, someone I can cuddle with, someone to ret my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, someone who, for him, I am not just a game or a fuck.....someone who will accept me for who and what I am.....a weepy heart girl who can frig him til his eyes turn over. That's a tall order....I guess that's why I am still single....This too shall pass.

Men

I called Mr ATL last night.....it had been a long day, where people seemed committed to pissing me off. I wanted to hear a friendly voice after leaving work at 10pm, so I called. He was the usual him...too effing mature. he had ditties about my taking people in stride and just being patient.....what the F--k is happening with me? Are all the men I meet gonna be Job when it comes to me....F--k them all. I want a guy who will be hot headed and hot blooded like me once in a while, damn it.

Clearly I am having a bad morning. I need to get me some and I told Mr. ATL as much and indicated that I couldn't wait on him. He was quiet for a bit.....I don't know why...did he really think I would save myself for him? Why? He's a married man and he knows I am a single girl....why would he think that he could ask of me such a thing...why would he think that I would adhere to his word. He's a Jamaican man, a St. Mary man at that, and they are not nice usually in matters of the heart. I reacted badly to it all and I told him in certain terms that there is no ring on my finger and I am my own big woman and would do as I effing pleased while he remained patient.

I have said it before......men are too special.

Apparently I come across as a 'Pollyanna', I will disabuse Mr. ATL and in fact the whole world of this notion. Increasingly I am realising that it is time to play....I fought a great fight I think but now I need to accept my failings and say FRIG IT ALL. Enough.

While Man a Plan, God a Wipe

Mr. ATL called last night with detailed plans of our imminent togetherness. It was hard telling him to think carefully because the situation had been complicated by my Brother's indication of joining me at the end of next month just to cool out for 4 days. Needless to say it would overlap with my Mr. ATL exploration time. I have to admit, because of my last game, I am tickled by the notion of me and him and my brother hanging out...he couldn't touch me, nor could I touch him in the presence of my big brother....he doesn't need to know that his sister is a over-sexed bitch. Could I withstand the pressure of seeing the apple and not yielding to temptation....things to think on.

Unlike me, Mr. ATL was adamant that he wouldn't want to mess with me if my brother were around.....it would be weird he thinks. I told him that I was an adult (yeah right) and saw no reason for us to not be able to play this game successfully....he would not be moved so I dropped it....not before indicating that clearly my interest was deeper than his and I would work on expelling him from my thoughts :) he bought the act and was very apologetic....he's gonna book the flight. I should call and tell him not to bother but its so nice to revel in the moment.

So, I have been quasi-saved by the proverbial bell and even got to play with a man who doesn't play games.....he is intriguing. I know the danger of 'intrigue' but I am much wiser these days. He makes my ----y jump and until he stops doing that, I will play.

Making Plans

Consistent Blogging....not necessarily a good thing, but what to do.....

Last night it rained.....it played patta cake on my roof and windows and a spark was lit in my head. I called Mr. ATL and we had interrupted but good fun....he slips into my scenarios very easily....he can build out my imaginings in a very pleasing manner......something tells me we are too much alike, the sex may not be all that then....too much pressure.

Thankfully, I don't want to have penetration sex with him....all I want to do is to be able to frig with him once in a while from a distance and I will be satisfied with that.....not sure if he would be similarly satisfied but frig it. He woke me up this morning and outlined tentative plans to visit late next month....I'm gonna hope it doesn't work out cause I'm not sure I will be able to keep him at arms length when he can reach out and touch me......he has made it clear that in the planned week he will need 2 days for work...that's all.....the rest of the days, he has indicated, would be spent with me, unencumbered by work or any other Distraction.

I'm not doing anything right now, and it is an interesting proposal.....I can just imagine surrendering my body to him and watching him work it......:) Can I deal with the after though.....from either perspective.....Frig it though, men can be tricky, but so can women.

The above is one thought that came to me.....another is......I could hook up bredren/friend in the 2 days of Mr. ATL's work, go down to the country and really vacation. If I am gonna be bad, better I get all of it out of my system in this period.....may even mess with the Player a bit in the time too.....after that, I can just easy. It sounds like a plan.....I will wait to hear from Mr. ATL then I can decide.

Life is a trip.

Hmm Hmm Good

The wonders in this life are ceaseless, all we have to do is take a step back and watch the beauty unfold.

I think I need to organize an all night session.....I am getting too idle in thought. I did something yesterday, I watched the stationery delivery guy...he couldn't have been more than 26, but he was cute, well spoken and thicker than a mothaeffer. He threw me for a loop initially, I looked up one moment and he was decked in his well pressed shirt and slacks, the next minute though, he was pleasingly draped in a black tank exposing all his glory. I noted the switch but kept on working until he came to ask another question....that's when he struck me....built like heck....a lot too short (5' 9" or so) but he was something to look at as he squatted and lifted and packed and stacked.....mmmmmmmmmmm. When he was through he came for the sign off document, we checked the stock together...I flirted a bit, he was pleasant.......as he ran through the door when we were finished, I remembered the box in my office and asked him to take it, as he had promised earlier, to the back for me. I stood back, folded my arms, and watched as he stooped and effortlessly lifted the big box...I could only think of the better use those muscles could be put to, like lifting me and pressing me against the wall........He knew I was watching and this made it all the better...sweet. It was harmless. I feel a little guilty about my paedophilic action but he was nice to look at. He was my muse last night as I released.

Life, as I said is filled with wonderful things......I need to engage in another form of exercise....and I will.

Confession

I want a particular man. I want to be wrapped in his strong arms and have him recite the familiar description of the wonders of my lips and tongue...mmmmm.......I want to be pinned down by his body and watch as his eyes flutter close with every movement of my hips, every contraction and release.....I want to watch this man cum.

There is no denying my attraction to Mr. ATL...I care not about the reasons behind it, all I want to do is watch this man's body in action.....(SIGH)

I think this may have been my weekend for longing cause fleetingly desire for the Player also rose up in me. I toyed with the idea of sending an e-mail requesting that time be made for fucking......its been a while since I've been on top of a desk, so I had hoped that he could meet me at work either his or mine. I didn't act on the vibe, I 've done enough of that. I guess my games with him at the Retreat and the missed opportunity for full body enjoyment caught up with me at a time when I needed a good cum to ease the pain in me. No worries though, the stupidity alarm need not be sounded, I know that part of my life is over....certainly where it involves fucking together.

Thankfully for me Mr. ATL must have smelled the rat.....he called and we had great dialogue.....he has indicated that he doesn't want me to "give it away" to anyone but Boogie and him ( he's funny as heck). Such ownership, and he hasn't even benefited from the fullness.....pity I'm trying to trod a righteous trod right now...I could grow to like him.

Thoughts

There are two great gifts a parent can give to her child.....

1) A fear and love for God; and

2)Confidence

Were both to be imparted to us in youth, then the now would not be spent trying to locate and hone skills.....instead one would conquer mountains and overcome all obstacles.......one would shout down every whisper of challenge and be like the rock on which greatness is built.

In the recognition, however, of absence of the two from your repertoire, you adopt an incrementalist approach to greatness, you save self bit by bit and one of these days you know you will embody all truth and until then, you will not rest.

Understanding leads to Obedience

Time alone will tell......the Lord has been on my side of late and I think I understand what he requires of me now...he is special too...quite a sense of humor...why do I say that you may ask...let me tell you a story.


It all started when I found out I had a Retreat to go to....I was swamped with work during the week so I didn't have enough time to think about the fact that the Player would be there too and that I would wish not to make an ass of myself again. I planned my trip therefore with built in escape mechanisms which would ensure that I was occupied in the nights...one way or another.


Mr. ATL had been on my mind in the week however, I was busy as heck so I would forget to call him each time I found myself with time on my hands....me being me and my Karma being my Karma, he called the night before I left for the country. We had a good session which ended with us making a date to meet under the stars on Saturday night....him in Ohio, me in Ochi...it was a grand idea. I didn't know though, that my boss had intended that the weekend would be devoted to work and work only...I mean I barely had time to try out the beach and the gym. On date day therefore I worked until 11:30 p.m. and by the time I got to my room and called, he didn't take my call....I waited an hour and tried again and he still didn't answer...suh yuh know seh him get F--K now, right. Anyway, I got a quick workout, prayed away my demons and called it a night at about 2:30 a.m. as the stormy weather visited.

When I got back to Kingston, I called again and did not get through. I couldn't send out even a local call.....I raised hell with Digicel and was happy I hadn't discarded my C&W phone......it bouyed me through the weekend. It wasn't until Sunday morning that I realised that the Lord was seeking to yet again save me from myself. He doesn't want me involved with another married man and I am gonna try to do as he says this time. Had I heeded the warnings with the Player I would not have lost that game. Sometimes we just need to be good for goodness sake so I will yield to the master and watch things unfold. Afterall, it is close to Christmas and I am hoping he will provide for me a tall, handsome, well built, moderately hung and thick, nice, witty, unwed gentleman package as a reward for my effort now.

Cheers

Misunderstanding

Men are special ....so special, so special, so special ( to borrow from Movado)....

So I had a weekend Retreat...nuff, nuff work, and I knew I was due to be sick, so I prayed about it and struck a deal with God that I would be a good girl on the weekend if he grants me this one wish....He lived up to his end of the bargain, with a little pain here and there, and I lived up to mine with few lapses in resolve...nothing too harmful. I was prepared then for a Tuesday of not so good feeling....it did not disappoint. By Wednesday morning, having spent the night in pain, I broke down and called Boogie.

He came......he got my medication from the Pharmacy, he got my hot water bottle, he stroked my hair and tummy until I fell asleep, and made me soup. It felt good being taken care of for a change. He was always good to me in these times, and I absolutely love him for it. Needless to say, he didn't go to work. He spent the day being my nurse and it felt good feeling him snuggle in behind me as we slept.

Imagine my surprise when in a period of better feeling, I took a work call, while he was on a work call I might add, only to find that this pissed him off.....not a little, but a lot.....he stormed out...what the f--k. What did I do?...he was on a call....I don't get it.....his next contact was at 11:00 p.m. to ask if I was feeling okay...I was doubled up in pain but I put on my most chirpiest of tones and said "yep".

I am fast understanding that there is no win win for me with him, I was calm and cool when he said he had to leave at six to go to an engagement, I could have been a bitch but I understood that it would have been inappropriate in the circumstances cause, after all, we are just friends. Mi nuh understand nuff things these days, so I will let it all go.....

Still sick, not even sure if this post makes sense but damn, men need to come with a handbook that can help us deal better with each other.

Schooling

I had a reasoning session with my biggest brother last night, it was a learning experience. He has always been, what I would call, the ultimate player. he doesn't engage in emotion, he is like a spirit, he breezes in rocks your world (I hope him a represent) and then like a twig in the wind he disappears....there are no ties, he doesn't eat from any of his girls, he goes home even if its 5:00 a.m., he doesn't maintain her in any way shape or form....he is a PLAYER.

Against this background imagine my surprise when he turned up at my gate with relationship woes. I knew he was with some lady or another, I didn't know that they were serious......turns out he has been living with her for the past 2 years...WOW. It was hard to wrap my mind around the concept and after laughing up a storm I gathered myself and was the ear he needed at the time. Di man mash up.

We drank a bit, beer for me, unchased Appleton for him (it really does taste better without the chaser.....in fact I will drink the chaser after a shot or two). He wasn't weepy...he couldn't live that down, cause bad man nuh cry and I would certainly remind him about it in better times....just for the laugh. I listened as he cursed her on the one hand for searching his phone and going out of her way to hurt herself, and on the other, thinking aloud about the bills he needed to help her with since the end of the month was here.....WOW. I had to ask if he was sure he wasn't in love......he laughed and chastised me for even thinking it. I continued to listen as he again spoke about her sweet attributes and her flaws. I am convinced I am not good at interpreting stuff in relationships but it sounded like love to me.....mi nuh mek him none the wiser still, mi jus' mek him gwaan talk.

She and I share a birthday or sign or sumpn' he informed and commented that he should have known better than to mess with her given this fact. I had to question why. Turns out he thinks I am a harsh person in these matters....a budding Player he said. I let it slide cause it wasn't the night to challenge him on that revelation. I summed it up as an erroneous interpretation which I would clarify one day.

At the end of the session (3:00 a.m.) I told him to take all the time he needed cause we all need to take a break sometimes. I can't help thinking about it though....and I concluded that even the greatest of Players get bowled a googly once in a while. This made me feel better about the game I lost and I accept now that life is interesting like that.

Housekeeping Matters

A girlfriend asked me yesterday if I had spoken to Mr. ATL. I remembered speaking (or listening really) to him the previous Sunday and we haven't spoken since.....she asked how come. Should I be calling him more? Why? We have a useful agreement I think, I call when I feel like and so does he.

Mr. ATL is fine, he wants a girl in JA who he can fuck when he visits and I am prepared to be just that......we really don't need to talk too much to sort that out.....the benefits to me are sexual (eventually) and material, and I have no difficulty with that. He knows he cannot call and ask me where I am, have been or will be unless he is in the island or has paid my way to Atlanta and I think he is fine with that.

We are good.....I like this construct, I know what my boundaries are, I expect no surprises, like jealousy, bad vibes etc. and it works. I said it before there's not too much of a game to it, its clear......and I have always advocated clarity being given in these matters.....all I need now is to have a similar construct in JA and I would be good to gone. Sometimes you have to take a break from quasi-monogamy and just be the bitch you are.

Positive Day

I saw something beautiful today.

I got a glimpse of a Jamaica unmarred by poverty, criminality, high gas prices and all the negatives which relegate this nation to the damning depths of underdevelopment. I saw my people get out of their cars and run like the wind or a Bolt of lightening to the strategically placed big screen TVs which populate the business centres of Kingston, and I was proud to be a part of this momentous occasion. Usain Bolt ran...the entire race....to victory in the 200m men's Olympic finals and I was overcome...partly for the joy his victory brought but largely because I saw nothing but pride on every face in Half-Way-Tree square, nothing but uninhibited patriotism....no one seemed concerned about the price of butter...literally and figuratively....and it was beautiful.

If only we could feel like this...no, be like this for the rest of our existence. If only we could muster similar consensus around the larger issue that is the development of this fine Nation. If only we were as committed to and supportive of all our countrymen at all times......If only we could achieve these things, then we would forever be gold medalists.....but until then I will celebrate the moment given me and it will fever stand out in my mind as an indication of the greatness of this country and will be proof of the possibilities which lie ahead.

Control???

I was a bitch today... a good bitch though......it felt great.

In a nutshell, I was in a meeting for the entire day....I had become dissatisfied with the usual approach to these meetings and I eventually made my thoughts known to the chairmen. I could've and probably should've backed down but I am stubborn and I can't stand to see seeming injustice go unchallenged so I committed an error and I must say that I'm not too cut up about the whole thing. At the end I bowed to one chair and thanked the other for the opportunity to share my opinion so candidly.......I'm working on holding these emotions inside, and I did for the other two sessions past but enough was enough. I will work some more on it.

Transforming Crappy into Good Vibes

It was a tough rainy weekend but I survived, just barely, without stupid incident.

When the pressure got too much to bear I yielded to temptation the best way I knew how.....I called Mr. ATL and requested that he walk me through to release....he did...it was sweet. Got to love a guy who can react well under pressure.....he pulled off the road and delivered well.

We haven't spoken since I handed over the goods for my brother....an encounter which was.... interesting....he has a nice habit of lifting me up, and I can picture my legs wrapped around his waist as we bounce from pillow to post....that aside though we agreed then that his brand of fucking around was a little too mature for me....which it really is...he and his wife have an arrangement, he gets to do whatever he wants and so does she....they discuss the encounters at times and sometimes even engage in threesomes.....WOW there's nothing like a developed country perspective. he has offered to make real any fantasy I have....WOW.

I must admit that the offer has been titillating my mind...among other things. I have always wanted a two men and me scenario....hmmmm. I have had Jamaican men claim that they will do it until its crunch time then the matter is quickly shelved. Now, I could have my cake and watch both of them eat it....how cool would that be....

On the other hand, I'm a power junkie and there's nothing nicer than watching a woman's husband/man squirm under you....what can I say it gives me a thrill. I wouldn't get that from this game...as a matter of fact there's not much of a game to it....what's my motivation then, prospects of a threesome? Is that enough? Its not like I'm connected right now and in any event I am capable of juggling a stable relationship with my wild side escapades....Is this what I want at this age though...or can I take a break from growing up and play a little? I will think some more on it.

I should thank the Player one of these days...his lesson in PATIENCE has proven to be useful in these matters....one of these days I will pull him aside and whisper thank you. For now though, I will put into practice the lesson learnt and let Mr. ATL sweat it out a bit.

(Sigh)......so much to think about I will need a vacation soon.

Lapse in Resolve

Was having one of those 'not so nice days' yesterday so I wrote this crap.......

How can a lover live without love......not easily.

I am empty....the territory I am in is proving difficult to manipulate self through....not having a hug on demand, sleeping alone every night without the benefit of a man's arms wrapped around your body..feeling his breath on your neck, breathing in his masculinity, watching him sleep with his hands shielding that all precious package, feeling him on top of you...feeling all his glory.....feeling time almost stand still in the moment of your bliss.....hearing his heart beat in his chest.....not being fulfilled.

Its quite an adjustment.

It may be crappy but I still miss the feel of a man.

The Things We Do

I should know by now that the best laid plans are usually the ones that don't work out the way you expected....but mi head tough. I agreed to dinner and hanging out with Mr. ATL on Saturday night...I know me, and I was beginning to know him a little so I organised appropriate protection for the evening. After a slow and late start we were off to sit on the Veranda ( pausing here just to comment that it was my first time at Verandas and it was as I had expected...too bougie. An onslaught of pretentious people, girls out with their grandfathers and in general just a sad thing to watch) usually I don't go to those places, partly because of comfort, and secondly, as happened on Saturday, too many work connected people. I like places where I can be good or bad and not have to fret about stories which may make its way back to the Office or the Office circles....that's why I don't do the VIP section of events. If I go out to have fun, then I will have fun and it sometimes isn't so nice, so I blend into the crowd and find adequate cover for my bad deeds.

I digressed, as I nodded to an old boss and a current colleague, I knew my time there would have been short. We talked, we laughed, we had good clean fun.....until I scanned the venue and saw that the work connections had left.....then it got interesting. Unfortunately, I have never been the type to hold in a compliment so I told Mr. ATL that he was a sexy motha f...er. He was. He had on one of those shirts...you know, the type that accentuates all he muscles but is not tight.....he was teasing me the entire night, so I finally whispered in his ear that were it not for the bredren thing, we could see if we moved as well in bed as we did on the dance floor.....he laughed until he saw that I was serious. That was my first mistake. He completely threw out the bredren thing after that and told me not to for a minute think that he wouldn't seize any opportunity he got to make and watch my body move (is he for real?....damn...pleasing, very pleasing).

We chatted some more until my girlfriend yielded to her grandpa's wish to leave.....we parted ways in the car park as the sky opened up and my next mistake was inevitable I guess, given my weakness in the rain. We had some fun in the car park, on the car, and really messed around in the car. No penetration, just messing around. It was great. That's why I like 40 year old men, they know how to restrain themselves amidst a world of temptation. He was a gentleman when I said stop, though my panty was soaked and he had tasted the sweet and the windows were foggy, he stopped...shakily, but he stopped. He left with a warning though, that the next time we should stay within the boundaries cause he couldn't guarantee me gentlemanly conduct....It was a fair point so I decided not to see him again until its time to hand over the stuff for my brother.

To be honest, I can't even remember what our previous session was like....I was too caught up I think....but this has left some memories and I feel like I should remind myself about the offering and deal with the consequences afterwards....we could just have a vacation thing. How do we do that when he has displayed a propensity to be clingy? He won't go away softly in the night, I think ( cause you never know with men, they are tricky) then how would I deal with the family link....FRIG IT.....I will let it flow.

Just to say too that as is customary with me, when it rains, it pours. My " bredren, now friend" came into Kgn on Saturday and tried to hook me up. I ended up doing an early link with him (purely platonic) and the night link with Mr. ATL.....I couldn't help thinking that I was finally back to my old self....not that its a good self, but at least its not pining, snivelling, overly emotional and brokenhearted....it feels good, but I know its wrong.

When I woke up on Sunday, I thought about going to the beach and having some fish and bammy for breakfast.....I thought my bredren/friend would be the ideal person to take along, so I called to make the plans......he was weird. We launched into why he was giving me attitude and why he thought Kgn/St. Catherine beaches were not safe....crap really....what's up with him? I was warned not to mess up the bredren thing, but like a fool I let my lower half think through the matter rather than my head.....now it seems I don't even have a friend in him anymore. I mean we used to talk about every and anything.....he would sometimes call and I would let him listen to my sessions or worse just tell him that I'm about to or am being "titillated" at the time so I would have to call him back....there was no attitude then, we would just link up another time....he says we are bredrens so why not act the part.....it is becoming too complicated. I can't believe I'll have to find another bredren....that's unfair, we are adults, he has not indicated that he wants something more than what we have so why get snippy with me when you learn that I have a date after you?

Despite my rant above, I decided not to let him dictate the relationship so I called him yesterday in the midst of the rain and told him I would swing by.......of course my swing by ended up being at 11:00 p.m. We talked about mundane stuff and eventually launched into a nice love making session......country men are interesting, they have so many hang ups and I am the right person to break them out of that crap.....I laid him down and told him to allow himself to relax under my fingertips, tongue and body.....he did eventually but thought he needed to give me pleasure.....I assured him that he didn't and I spent a few hours making love to him (again no penetration) and I think he was satisfied. I left him in bed alseep at 4:00 a.m. I think we are good...ish now.

The only problem with an active lifestyle is that you need time for rest...I'm tired, so I am committed to getting some rest over the next two days.

Taking Stock

They say time alone will tell you what you need to know, so relax and let time pass and all things will be revealed.

I must admit to being in a bad place right now...I was locked in a 2 day Retreat last week and didn't cope too well, I thought, with the Player/Boss situation. I know we have moved on but its still a little disconcerting to watch.....eventually I said "frig it" and I think it went well after that. It made me wonder though about the first time I will see Boogie and his new love. If the Player thing hurts then the Boogie thing will break me in two and I'm not sure "frig it" will be a sufficient fix. I know I will deal like a petulant child initially but eventually I will accept the reality I only pray it will be with minimal destructive actions on my part. I hate to lose....even what I don't want.
________________________________//________________________________


On another note, Mr ATL is here and we had some fun on Tuesday night, in fact I think my stale half drunken state may have contributed to my negative reaction to the "player/boss" scenario at the Retreat. Our hook up was good.....I took along a friend and she took along a friend and he called in another friend so I was protected, I thought, from any foolishness that may have crossed his or my mind (given my hard-up state right now). When we spoke in the early evening I tried to nip his sweet talk in the bud before he started to develop ideas about who he could do on his vacation. I was truthful, I told him that as my Bredda's friend he automatically would be my bredren..... and bredrens don't fuck.

He was slick though, he agreed whole heatedly and when we met up for drinks it flowed well until that 4th bottle of beer and my unchained admiration of his muscular body took over....his muscles were even bigger now...hmmm, yummy. I found myself in conversation rubbing his wash board stomach, and stroking those strong thighs....eventually he asked me to dance and that was the beginning of the mistake. Two more drinks later, his tongue was in my mouth and we were almost joined at the pelvis......dancing is cool. Thankfully, there's only so much you can do with no condom, a conscience and your clothes on. It was nice though.....it felt good being held and caressed....he leaves on Friday so it should be fine, his calls and messages are becoming just a little annoying though (this after I told him on the night I would be in whole day sessions over the following 2 days) he needs to stop that. Anyway, I will have to see him before he leaves so that I can pass on some goodies fi mi Bredda.....I hope that the exchange will be incident free.

Murderer - Blood deh pan mi shoulda

I probably shouldn't be confessing my sins in this blog but I have to get it off my conscience so I am here to tell my blogging buddies that I am a serial killer. I didn't plan to be this way, it just happened and now I'm not sure I'll be able to get away for much longer.

My first victim was quick but not quick enough as it tried to fly out of my clutches on a broken wing.....it didn't work, so I ended its life with a screech. I prayed about it and eventually I forgave myself for the wicked act.....thou shalt not kill it is written. This happened in another space, another place, another time... I was new to the neighbourhood and had plans to leave soon so my bad deed went unnoticed for all this time.

I wasn't as lucky as before with my second victim. there was no premeditation, there was no ill will....it was an accident really. I wasn't even driving fast, cause the road required skillful manipulation to ensure that front end and tyres remained functional. I saw the lady, I saw the puppy run but I honestly thought there was no danger....until i felt a bump and heard the same lady shout 'come puppy" and " min' yuh kill him". By the time I had processed what she had said, and realised that the bump I felt was not a pot hole but the little body of a runt who hadn't yet had a chance to live, it was too late. Like a fool I hopped out of the vehicle and ran to the other side only to see the remains of the the little one...damn. Instantly I realised that I had put myself at great risk, cause I shouldn't have even gotten out in the area I was in...off Hagley Park Road....worse having slaughtered a loved one for one of its residents......I apologised profusely and hightailed it out of dodge.

I am sad about it though.....I like animals and I hate to see them come to harm, even now I shiver at the thought of the poor little thing trying to get back to mommy.....I am evil. I remember being vex as hell with first love who hit a dog on our way in from St. Mary once......we didn't speak for 2 days, as he tried to assure me that it couldn't be helped and he was sorry....dem things deh mash mi up star....we are our pets' keepers, its up to us to keep them safe and what do I do, I squish them under my tyres:( I will pray again about it and beg for forgiveness.

Good Night

I had a great time at Reggae Sumfest last night...yeah we left town too late, yeah we missed some of the good artistes but damn my crew made it fantastic to be there. Personally I think I didn't get my monies worth from the performances I did catch having gotten to Catherine Hall at 11:00 p.m. but some of them gave me a good enough vibe. If I had to say who rocked the 'Hall" I would have to choose Movado.....he is promising. Second place would go to Busy Signal.

I had to acknowledge though that the music has gone to shit....I didn't know half the tunes they did but i know I couldn't tolerate too much of the mind numbing drivel they call lyrics these days which seem only to have two general themes, shooting out yuh marrow and every thing one can do with a woman. It saddens me to know that there will be a generation of youngsters who think that fucking /making love only entails daggering, stabbing or some other equally painful sounding, unskilled motion. Its sad cause they will never know what its like to enjoy a session in a slow tantalizing, every inch of your flesh burning manner.

Anyway, as I said, I had high vibes last night so I caught on to those I could and danced with myself in a group of couples, got pissed I was the seventh wheel but then said frig it. I flirted with one or two of God's wonderfully built creations and on the whole , left the festivities for work in a great mood. Unfortunately now the 'no sleep' situation has my eyes drooping and bloodshot and I can't wait for 4 p.m so that I can head for home, but it was all worth it.

I can't say that there weren't times when I was down right vex 'bout the not having a man behind me grinding against his......, especially as the night air wreaked havoc on my senses and my group peeps paired off to 'love up' a bit, but I was a trooper....frig it indeed. Life is sometimes unfortunate, one just has to learn to live through the tough times until better comes.

It was a good night and I wish I could attend on Saturday too, I love Lil Wayne and I hope he brings Bird man along too.....I love his nasty looking tattoo riddled body....he looks like a man that could deliver a serious bruising....of course Etana and Taurus would be huge must sees too (if I could ever reach a venue early enough to see them perform...they perform too early man) I shouldn't torture myself like this I know cause there is no way in hell I can afford another ticket at this time of the month, so I'll be glad I went last night and call it that. I wish I were better at asking for things....if I were, I could probably get the tickets free from connected parties, but who wants to be a beggar....I'm weird like that....I would have no difficulty with someone giving me the tickets without my initiating it though...tsk, tsk.

I guess this post is just to say that I had fun last night....good, clean....ish fun.

Stupidity

If there were a world record for the number of times one could be stupid or engage in stupid actions, then I doubt very much that I would have competition for that award. I would join the other great Jamaican world record holders and would be proud...ish to be amongst such noble comrades who fly their country's flag high......well maybe not, an award such as mine is best kept, I think, very close to the breast.

I had an up and down week and end of week.....in my bid to escape from the clutches of Boogie and the drama that usually accompanies our coming together, I erred and did something stupid. I don't accept responsibility for my actions cause had I been able to seduce my bredren/friend to join me in Kingston for the weekend then I wouldn't be blogging about this error deed today. So I will lay blame squarely at the foot of unavailable bredrens.

I don't know why I keep thinking that things will not result the way they usually result with Boogie....we make love and then I get angry, then I piss him off eventually and then we don't speak for a month. I should have caught the rake though, cause in the week I shielded myself from numerous calls and emails but still thought the weekend would be fine...that no temptation would come my way, that no agent for stupidity would be uncovered and spur my action. I was wrong. My battle was also complicated by my unfortunate good interaction with the Player......I guess I'm still a little silly....

On Saturday when I realised that Boogie would drop by my house, having not been able to reach me by phone...he's annoying like that, and it won't stop until he sees one of these days, what he thinks is already happening. I am and have been innocent in recent months past though....really I have. My concern these days are family, physical fitness and hanging on by my finger tips to my celibacy......nothing more.....men these days are too harsh, and it doesn't matter the age, I am woefully unprepared to deal with them so I choose instead to flirt a bit, but nothing more until I sort some shit out.

Anyway, I ran to my Office and got some work done, but as the hours passed and I rejected yet another call from Boogie I started feeling the old feelings.....I knew I needed an outlet for my energy so I figured if the Player were available then I could expel some of my energy on him and be focused for when Boogie comes around. I sent a simple text..."Busy?"..... I got no response.....I must admit that I was pissed a little, for a while, but then I realised that it is the weekend and he is who and how he is, so the 'no response' wasn't as earth shattering......this left me though without my armour and as sure as night follows day Boogie delivered the coup de grace, he sent a message asking if I really could turn my back on 11 years of love and friendship...of course I sent back saying yes, especially when it simply does not work anymore. Within an hour he was at my gate...Damn.

We went to Port Royal and had some fish and bammy, all the time I was hoping and praying that the Lord would still the fire which began burning in my----- at the mere sight of the man. I failed. I was sucked under the stars on the beach and it was great, but this was just the beginning. We went home and he treated me to some good old fashioned love making, the kind that leaves you breathless at the thought of it, the kind that makes you postpone your gynaecology appointment the next day cause the Doctor a guh si seh the thing battered and bruised. It felt good being wrapped in a man's arms for the night.

Though we parted ways with good vibes on Sunday evening......my alone time was too reflective and again I was pissed by the fact that the man knew all the buttons to press with me......so I went out to ease my mind. I hooked up a girlfriend and her spoogie and we went to Rae Town...didn't even know that it was still a happening vibe on a Sunday, but it is and it was great.

Life unfolds without apology so I have no apologies for my actions last weekend.....I have only one regret, that I allowed myself to be afraid of Boogie to the point of stupidity and my attempt at making contact with the Player when I know that there is nothing between us. Time will mend all armour and walls, I need to protect myself.....and I will.

Family

I had a good looong weekend......I took some days to spend time with my visiting big brother and my nieces and nephew. We were all over the place, from country to town and town to country all culminating in a big belated birthday bash for him in St. Elizabeth.....I like my Big Bro...he's cross, angry and miserable but always balanced when the time is right. I learnt some more stuff about playing....pity I'm not exactly playing right now, I want to mend my twice broken heart before I get into the game again, but the lessons would have come in handy when I was dabbling with the Player.

We reminisced about growing up, we went night fishing with some of his bredrens, we tried to out drink each other on those boring evenings and I got to see the man and father he had become. I was happy to call him brother and I told him as much. This was a shock cause we grew up shunning any semblance of emotional connectedness, but I was happy to see that I wasn't the only one being afflicted by age and maturity and that he too was suffering from being a little on the sappy side. We hugged, we reasoned, we planned for my visit to Canada (hopefully in the summer time...cause mi caan manage di cold weather too tough).

All in all , it was a good 2 weeks.......my only difficulty was that it also rehashed some bad memories of growing up and I wasn't prepared for all the emotion. Also it made me realise how much I miss us all being in the same space. It would be cool if that could happen again but with a little brother on his way to do his Phd, 2 big brothers with families in adopted lands, a sister who is on her way to home ownership in Mounty country and 2 big brothers with little care for the rest of the family let alone family occasions, I don't think it will happen any time soon. So until I can work out the details of a family reunion we will continue to meet together here and there, sometimes just two of us other times 3, and be satisfied with the opportunity we have to share space together.

Overcoming

Today was not as bad as I thought it would be.....I learned to trust the Lord to be my rock in my time of need and self doubt and he came through for me with flying colours.....its moments like these that make me flirt with the idea of being a Christian. When you stand in awe of his powers and deep within you know seh a suh di thing shoulda set up every day of our lives on this earth....but somehow, even with the demonstration, we tend to delay...as if being in the world can really bring us the peace we need.......hopefully this will change one day.

I had a good day because I needed to do something that I didn't think I could do on my own, but thanks to much prayer and the kind support of a colleague I got through it with little scarring. Its good to face your demons sometimes.

I am going home to an ice cold Red Stripe and hopefully a hug....today was a good day

Blessing

Sizzla has a tune and the first line...." Lovely morning, filled with the blessings of goodness.." resonates with me usually, but especially this morning.

It was a pleasure driving into work this morning....I saw school girls walking and studying/swatting prior to entering the school gate ( I had forgotten that this was how it was in High School)....I didn't even know the kids studied anymore or even had education as a plan for future success, it was heartening. I travelled further along and saw a Daddy alight from a vehicle his little girl in tow and I stopped and allowed him to cross with her.....at the gate he helped her with her backpack and watched as she hustled into the school yard.....this was a blessing to see in a time where "fathers" are never around and fail to play their part in nurturing their youths and the future of this country. Further along South Camp road there was yet another father with his daughter on his little bike, her helmet in tact as both journeyed on to who knows where....What a blessing to behold.

I cruised after that, and took in some of the other sights......sometimes we get so caught up in our issues that we don't notice the hope that's demonstrated everyday......hope, that is within our grasp. Its good to take a break from you and just watch the life unfold.

It is a lovely morning indeed.

Interrupted Thoughts

Alright, I am at a loss. If I were not overburdened with work and wasn't as paranoid about my now inability to play the game effectively, I would spend some time in thought of my colleague who spent the better part of an afternoon and late, late evening with me, my boss and the Player.

- I would wonder about his seeming coldness when we finished the first engagement....some whispering in both his and the player's ear occurred but nothing too bad....I was being me.
- I would also wonder about his chuckle when I said I had to make a stop at HQ prior to attending the evening cocktails.
- I would think about his apparent aloofness when I finally reached the engagement and his initial unwillingness to smile for me...just a little....I thought I was being funny.
- I would think about the fact that he eventually loosened up and it was good dialogue between the four of us.
- I would wonder why he chose yesterday to engage me in conversation about the unwillingness of women to accept and want a "good guy" and the seeming masochistic nature we have to put ourselves through so much with the "bad boys".

Where did that come from?

Like I said these thoughts would occupy my mind in a fulsome manner if I didn't have work and didn't know that we were just bredrens in his eyes.....yeah, that's it, it was just a bredren to bredren convo, he knows I cheat without reason and he knows he can't deal with that so we were just shooting the breeze....For the record, sweet guys are appealing, its just that we would never measure up and would always end up frigging them up.

For everything there is a season

Sometimes somethings hurt a lot more than you thought they would, then you are caught off guard and lack the capacity to deal effectively with it. Sometimes some people piss you off with one word, and you are unable to explain how or why it riles you up.

I need a break from this island and some of the people in it. It was a horrid week where I did some things I shouldn't have, said some things I didn't really, really mean and agreed to something I ought not to have. I've determined that men have a good reason to be afraid of women round about that time of the month....we should go back to the Arawak days and institute a mandatory separation of women who are afflicted for the duration of their affliction. Its just the most confusing time.

On Tuesday I got to work okay and was doing fine until the wheels started to turn on how I could make contact but still save face......I had to go see one of the Player's underlings so I had hoped to capitalise on the stroke of luck and play around with him a little. He wasn't in Office. Though that was disappointing I accepted it as the father working on my behalf so it was all good.

It was like I was on the prowl though, so like any other animal searching to find sustenance, I stopped by Boogie and fucked with him for a while.....a little piece during work hours is always exhilarating. On my way back to work Player called and gave me a song and dance before getting to the real issue, whether I was with or could deliver a message to my boss. I'm only human so a little anger did rise, but what to do you win some and you lose some. I delivered his message and tried to call him back to indicate as much, not sure why I wanted to do that, but he didn't answer and again I yielded to the superior power at work.

As the day dragged on and I settled into doing some real work, my phone rang.....it was First Love. We had great dialogue which ended with him asking if I could meet him in Atlanta in two weeks. I wasn't too big on the idea, cause you never know with him, he could decide to play by the rules as well as he could rip them to shreds and burn them in front of your eyes, prior to bedding you down with simple sweet force....what can I say, I like a little roughness. I told him I would think about it.

No sooner had I hung up from him did I get a call from my recently converted bredren/friend.....I decided to tread lightly with him cause he has been weird about the whole thing......I no longer get to talk to him about everything, he no longer makes reasonably frequent contact (of course it has crossed my mind that maybe all this time was spent trying to get into my pants and now that he had succeeded there was no need to continue the pretence) I don't like this interpretation much, but what to do if that's what it is.....He keeps calling on a number that I have told him I am about to retire, the phone is hardly ever charged....then he doesn't leave a message cause I guess he's in a huff, and when I make contact after a while he doesn't answer or he's really matter of fact until he articulates that he had tried to get me a few weeks back.......why can't he be like the Player, at least he answers intermitently and gave me time, with relative courtesy and honour, to expel the infatuation from my system....men are too complex. The conversation was strained, with him asking when I would come back that side....I lied and said I didn't know (couldn't tell him next month and that I didn't plan to see him...cause it wasn't that great...., I need to appear as though I am anxious to see him but having some scheduling difficulties)......yeah this is how the thing shoulda did set up inna the previous escapade but it was all intended to teach me a few life lessons, and I can't argue with that.

Later last week I also got a call from that ATL guy, who is coming to visit later this month and expressed a wish to see me....not sure I like the looks of him, he could get a little too sticky so I told him I may have to travel but would keep him posted.....Whew.

When trouble set fi a gal it set eeh. A nuh nutten still, I plan to just live the live and let the shit flow. If things work out one way or another, then I will deal.

Its good to be back in this space, being the being I can face in the mirror.

Obedience

How do you stop loving someone you've always loved?

Yesterday he wasn't fully well and I left for home early cause I was "poka, poka" (not very sick but not well). It was good, he came to visit and we made dinner. We talked and laughed and tried our utmost to stay within the friendship parameters. It was challenging though for me......usually I am not amused to have a man lay down beside me and do nothing else, I mean.....why are you in bed with me then?......I always knew though that I had no use for a sick man worse now, when I am under such pressure to stay focused on the bredren thing.

As he slept he pulled me close to him, my back against his front, and it felt good until I felt the old familiar feelings, then I got cross, angry and miserable......I shimmied out of his embrace and repaired to the living room so that I could play by the rules....he didn't seem overly perturbed by my action and that just made it worse.....it seems so easy for him to be my friend.....I wish I were as good as him at this.

Being a Friend

Boogie and I spoke under the stars in Port Royal on Friday.......I have concluded that talking isn't good, there must be a better way to communicate for those of us who are verbally and temperamentally challenged.....when the sea breeze no longer muffled the sound of our argument I asked him to come swim with me, hoping that the lapping of the water would drown out some of the foolishness....he didn't oblige. Not one to be detained by minor logical issues i stripped down and dove into the darkness of the water.....that jaws started that way only played in my mind once or twice.

I had a swim, swimming always made me feel better when I was younger, as a matter of fact I remembered being 23 on the same beach under a pretty full moon which illuminated every glistening curve of my body as I emerged from the water, much to his appreciation. Those were better times, I didn't argue as much then, I was still a little girl and he was larger than life to me....(sigh).

Anyway I had my swim and when I got out he asked what I was going to do for a towel.....I stepped up to him, unfolded his arms and told him I could do one of two things; I could let the breeze do its thing; or I could unbutton his shirt and rub myself against him until I was dry......he didn't ask which was more appealing and I think, if the evidence of his arousal was anything to go by, I knew which he would prefer. We enjoyed each other in probably the only safe place left in Jamdown, and then we talked some more.

I got clarity on what the boundaries of our friendship were and the reason for the shift in paradigm (there's nothing like the spoken word); we spoke about forgiving if not forgetting and the difficulty the former would pose; we spoke about my appetite for....some things including indulging my temper; we spoke about his need to remember that I'm not 22 anymore and that my Daddy complex was limited to the bedroom;we spoke about being better to each other, respecting each other more.........we spoke about too much I think.

I agreed to the friendship in the amended construct.... I pushed the memory of us trying since we met to be 'friends only' and the failure we always reaped in that department, to the back of my mind and determined that I would let it flow cause if a friendship him want, then friendship him aguh get......Mi jus haffi memba fi keep mi feelings inside, sometimes love really is not enough.

Changing Times

I had a blind date.......there's a reason why they call it "blind" and lets just say that the physical handicap wasn't the only challenge. As much as I like men, I am committed to doing my friends no more favours and letting things flow....it just too sticky out deh..... worse of all he was clearly one of those who I could break in two without much effort......I hate a weak man. I'm a handful to deal with on a good day with a lot of lip, so I need a strong man to keep me in line. What happened to men....have their wives, girlfriends, ex-wives, ex girlfriends, mothers etc. transformed our men into socially inept beings who try to woo with money rather than personality and wit. His friend was actually a lot more mentally stimulating and could match my every innuendo while he sat there lost.....it takes all types to make this world turn I guess.

Can you believe he actually wanted a kiss goodnight? He didn't know that it took all my energy to stay put in the chair and listen to his drone...what tha ----. As is customary I have no behaviour when foolishness comes my way so I laughed and informed him that it would take a few more dates and a little more than a country run and a fish fry to make me give up a taste of me.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say and had I known that it would turn out like that, I would have said no when I was invited to " tag along" that faithful day.......... Labour day was good, I went to my old community and laboured on the primary school there for the day. In the evening a girlfriend called to say that she was heading to the country with a bredren and if I wanted to tag along. It seemed innocent enough, and I usually don't like the whole third wheel thing but I couldn't find a good reason not to go.....I figured I could entertain myself in the moments they were being friendlier than bredrens. Afterall, we were heading to Porus and my bredren wasn't too far from there. When I called my bredren he didn't answer so in true me fashion I left a message indicating what he would miss......it was a good thing too cause my friend turned up with a "date" for me so the four of us drove off into the sunset heading to a fish fry.


The drive down wasn't too bad, usually I am scared to have people I don't know drive me but this man knew how to tek the road and seemed experienced enough to handle the speed so I relaxed. The fish fry was good, the Heineken was even better and the conversation was great, when it was all four of us involved. In my mind I had decided to treat the foursome as just a "bredren an' bredren" flex so there was no pressure. We laughed we chatted, we watched as one or two youth tried to pick up girls with little finesse it was a good time until I heard we were going to Mexico.

Yep, as we wound our way to this little district in St. Catherine, and while I fought back the ill effect of said winding ( I don't travel well) I could only think that I would stick to the Mexico which required a plane trip. We eventually reached what I would call a mansion in the midst of the bushes. It was beautiful.....swimming pool, jacuzzi, fruit trees everywhere, a beautiful garden with a fountain and of course an outside Bar-B-Q, bar and grill. If it neva suh far it would have been the ideal spot for a get away. I don't know if it was the ambiance but little man broke up our "bredren an' bredren" flex when he asked me to take a walk with him.......inside me turned but I am a courteous bitch so I obliged.

We went into the garden and he went on and on about what he does, what he has, how he believes in taking care of a woman fully.......I was offended....at least get to know me before you try to get into my panty with promises of "support"......what's up with that. A really suh it stay out deh now? I have been caught up for a while in relationships and all of my extra relationship dabblings have been just about that, dabbling and letting go, so I had no clue that the world did a run like that now. It sticky out deh...bad, bad if a really suh. Worse when it turns out that it seemed like that was all it took for his other dates to give in, cause he had no conversation left when I told him I fully believed in a woman working for what she wants and that her partner was merely a fall back option.......I am a proud girl, I told him, so taking money from men wasn't one of my strongest talents. After that he was silent for the rest of the walk. I tried as best I could to keep the dialogue going but eventually we both agreed to rejoin the others....Hooray.

He was quiet for most of the trip back to Kingston, and I pretended to be asleep........I thought about Boogie for the most part and wondered what he was up to and that I could have been up to so much more with him. A suh it guh though.

Home

I savoured my coffee this morning under a clear blue sky. I sat outside and let nature wash over me and it was great. I watched as the breeze disturbed the tree tops dancing from one to the other, getting closer and closer, and I exhaled.....A lone cloud drifted in and though it was weak and without much form it was intoxicating and I fixed my gaze and watched as it disappeared over the hill tops.

With so much beauty at my retinatips, I thought about the people around the world who couldn't partake of this bit of God's glory and I was saddened. How awful it must be to wake up each day to a concrete jungle and a city hung over from a restless night. I often wonder whether I could live like that.

Opportunities are calling and the wise and rational decision would be to extricate myself from the misery and yield to the temptation of foreign lands. But could I live in a place where one couldn't take timeout to marvel at birds and how they fly, could I do without a mango season and the joy of sitting underneath the tree, could I survive if I had no hilltops to watch as they glisten in the sun by day and wash the flats by evening with a deep green which immerses your senses in wonderfulness.......could I live without these luxuries?

I'll think some more on this while I balance my love for Country with the need to prosper and determine whether I should give up on this love affair too.

Expression

If I were a Poet....I would bare my soul in stanza after stanza of emotion filled words. But I am not a poet, so instead I bury the emotion and show only that which I can accept to be seen.
I unearth no new strength thus I fail at being creatively obtuse with meaningful literary displays.

If I were an Artist, I could paint my world with a rose pink brush and live only in the good times which provoke good memories......and if I were an Artiste I could sing a song of love and hope to capture with melody what's inside me.

But while I can provoke wrath and other similar sentiment in others, I am not very thought provoking....I offer no conscious content for perusal, I cannot signal meaning while guarding true understanding and expression with use of covert language.....so I am afflicted with insufficient stamina to feel and let the feeling go. I am therefore an amateur who conveys truth in clear terms........most of the time.

But....if I were a Poet, I would be at "Calabash" this weekend wielding words and soaking in sound instead of at work.......but this is what practical beings do, they make hay while creative beings play.