Moments

I thought in time my mind would embrace this state of being wholly and completely........I'm not there yet. Singledom is not all its crapped up to be.

The devil sent me a saviour last evening at a time when I felt I would tear the hair from my head in clumps just to counteract the yearning for male contact. I knew I could've woven sweet words together to transform the business call into something more exciting and maybe even organize, if his schedule would allow, a session where I could explore his body while honing expertise for a greater challenge but.......I was an obedient girl. I stayed true to my renewed commitment to keeping all of God's commandments and I survived the night, even after he hung up and I kicked myself for being so good, and clenched my fists so that I could not dial him back.

This morning though, I am filled with regret.....which I think is a better emotion than what I would be dealing with were I to have been unsuccessful in restraining myself from committing error deeds. Had I indulged myself I would probably be filled with guilt and hurt this morning, and that wouldn't be good.

Why am I torturing myself? Because I remember wailing upon the Lord to deliver me, countless times, last year from my stupid besotted state and he answered my call. I figure, in light of this gift, the least I can do is try to be a better being by adhering the best I can to his tenets for life....especially the whole Thou Shalt Not covet, lust, commit adultery and fornicate laws. As well as the fact that I think my game is too weak so I should protect myself and not engage in the game until I am more focused and resolute in my approach.

I am not the strongest person so maintaining this effort, like everything else I try to do, is proving challenging. So today, I wish I could get a hug....the type that relieves all the stress, the type that only two people who are blessed with love can share. That qualifier eliminates any options I would have. Today is therefore a very sad moment in my life.