Growing Pains

Sometimes I like being single....other times it gets on my nerve. I require stability.....I'm tired of messing around now. I counted the number of men I have in the offing and I was ashamed of myself.....I need to stop destroying myself and my relationships...I need to stop changing the rules as I go along, I need to be less angry when I don't get what I want.....in essence, I probably need to grow up a bit.

Its hard though. Its like being on a roller coaster where initially you move away from the offending issues but eventually you realise that you keep returning to the same issues, only with different people....this tells you therefore that the problem isn't them, but you. How do you fix something like that? Getting professional help did cross my mind...but I don't think so.

Case in point......I had a rough week last week, I particularly had a black Monday which ended well I thought cause as I pulled up to my gate that evening, so did Boogie, like an Angel sent to rescue me from the evils of this world...if only for a night. Needless to say I was very accommodating. We made dinner, laughed a bit and messed around a lot. We were good up to his departure at around 2 a.m. I slept well.

I was extremely busy the next day so the fact that he had not called to say hey was disturbing but I couldn't focus much attention on that fact at the time. As the evening dragged on however, it became very present in my mind. I checked my voice mail only to find that he had called. He sped over the how are you, and asked me for a number for my brother.....I got pissed. When he turned up at my gate that night, I indicated that my brother wasn't at home...since that's all he really wanted to know. Sensing that all was not well, he asked what the problem was "now"...that pushed me over the edge.....I display, usually, two types of anger...there's the loud one, and then there's the barely whispering type. The latter is the most scary for me and others I think.....the latter is used when it hurts so much, that you can't even compel yourself to talk about the issue. This was who he saw after that comment. I was holding on to myself from the tips of my toes to every strand of hair on my head......I wanted to "paan a big stick and ef him a @#%&* lick"...that would have been really, really wrong, so I whispered goodbye and asked him to lock the door on his way out. He left eventually in total disbelief at my behaviour and my lack of motivation to even tell him why I was being the way I was being.

We spoke yesterday though, when he asked again what was wrong....I told him I hadn't expected to be treated like a "slap"....not by him...I expect my distractions to treat with me in this way, I usually am not upset, cause it is what it is with them, with him though, I expected.....better. You see, the love I have for him is sooo deep that at times I wonder if I will ever be possessed with the right words to convey how much I feel for him......so if he treats me like trash, then I hurt as deeply as I love him......"that's a whole heap a hurt".....now he can never convince me that that isn't all I am to him. I guess I cause these thngs on myself though. Everytime I cross the line with him it hurts....that can't be good.

He apologized....he told me that he could never treat me like that and that our relationship means much more to him than a "slap", and that I should know better......but men never really think about how women view their actions, they assume we are like them and will understand, at all times, what they mean by what they say, do or don't do.....this is an error, and I am a proud girl, and he will never be able to convince me that I wasn't and am not considered as just a fuck....I will never get over this one.

It has made it clear in my mind that I need to move on. I need to invest my energy in finding a partner...not a distraction, not just someone for sex cause it feels good to play with their strings, but a companion someone to go home to at night, someone I can cuddle with, someone to ret my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, someone who, for him, I am not just a game or a fuck.....someone who will accept me for who and what I am.....a weepy heart girl who can frig him til his eyes turn over. That's a tall order....I guess that's why I am still single....This too shall pass.