The State of Play

The foolishness of yesterday has rolled off my back signalling the little weight I have put on the matter, upon reflection and good dialogue with my Boogie (who has always been the voice of reason in our relationship, I guess it comes with being older). I have decided to kill this black widow softly with sweetness. I will not allow her to ruffle my feathers anymore......It has always been difficult for me to maintain a malice, I simply do not possess the energy it takes to always be trying to demolish people with diabolical plans of action, simplicity will be what I employ. As my mother used to say "today fi yuh...tomorrow fi mi" Translation "the world is a circle...what goes around will come around"........Besides, I already have one obsession, and playing that game has been difficult enough, I don't need to waste good concentration energy on minuscule matters.


I will speak no more of this.

Reflections

I thought today about the predictability of people and wondered whether I would live to be surprised by anyone. Essentially we all have the same reactions to life when it hits us. I thought today would have been different....that today would have represented an opportunity to glide on a wave of new beginnings and throw to the wayside my experience of last week......unfortunately this was not so as I dealt with individuals who seem committed to being cogs in the path of development.

I have never had a difficulty with people being people...I recognise that we are all different but similar and that as people we have good moments and bad, but it saddens me to think that people could lie without need and impact so greatly the careers of others at the drop of a hat. The responsibility of being in a managerial position is far gerater than giving you an oportunity to revel in the moment of having attained power. It is about the contribution you can make and the recognition of the heavy responsibility you are now charged with including shaping the minds of those you lead.

Personally I have never agreed with one telling lies. That's why I speak so frankly about my feelings because at the end of the day I look at the many things that exist just to burden your mind and body, so why clutter your system with a lie that one day will come to the light. Worse as adults there is no need to lie unless its to save someone hurt and pain...we should be able to live and speak with each other without the need to put another's integrity at risk just because you possess the power so to do.

I will not ventilate the issue further at this time but I am hurt, and I can only hope that my reputation precedes me in this regard and people, the people who need to know, are fully aware of the real me....and that I am an upfront individual.

My Petition

July 28, 2007

I sorted out yesterday’s lapse…..I want him to come to me of his own accord….not because he saw me in the day, not because we had a good rap session, not because he feels bad for not having given me what I wanted….not because he is sorry for me or fears my ire….I want him to call again in the middle of the night when he knows the probability of my being awake is slim…..I want him to burn for me that he would take the risk of my not being alone….I want him to make that sacrifice, for me.

Opportunity Renounced

July 28, 2007

I have decided that I may truly be foggy in thought because I turned down an invitation to treat myself to that which I desire more than anything ….now. What is wrong with me? I finally get what I want but I say no…..it must be the torture then….yeah, that’s it…I am addicted to the torture…right?

I keep playing the day over and over in my head and I don’t know when I was usurped by some alter ego or something with a conscience. I know I was possessed because it is, I think, a little too late for regrets….a little too late to be thinking about anyone else in the mix….so what went wrong?

I shared space with him this morning in one of our many “decision making” sessions, I wasn’t particularly off put or putting….we had polite and even funny dialogue, with only one sexual innuendo being slid therein, while we waited for others to join.

He said today that he would ban me from asking the question “What’s up?” I acted as though I had no idea about the meaning he was trying to put……privately I felt deep satisfaction, again confirmation that it was still there…..somewhere…..of course this could be spinning again, he is not unaccustomed with knowing his audience and telling them what they need to hear. I countered with a bit of advice/caution about the words one uses to Scorpio –artsy people…..we tend to interpret things the way we want to be able to meet our own wants/needs. It would be useful therefore to curtail references to my ability to stimulate, unless it is what is intended to be conveyed, because I will act on it.

As usual he was a vision to watch in action, he is that good at making people believe him…wow. Methinks he missed his calling....should have been a politician..... the difficulty is that…if one is that capable of spinning truth, then how do you really know what truth is on any matter (personally I think its when you have a man under you and despite best efforts, with eyes rolling over and lips being bit, when his hands tremble to touch you, he releases…… when that beautiful sound of satisfaction is heard, before he wanted to, before he taught you that lesson about a big man f__k before he got to take up the reins). That’s when truth is told.

Afterwards, we spoke in company and we went our separate ways….couldn’t help but mention though, that it would be interesting to see his frenzied reaction in another sphere…. that was it. I worked late, and was overcome by a feeling of deep want to be enveloped by someone…you know, one of those hugs that cultivates content….I communicated as much, promised I wouldn’t stray outside of this boundary…..and he said no…scheduling difficulties he claimed. That’s when he proposed a time and space….again my impetuousness was inundated with offence and I felt angry at having lost again…so I said no thanks.

A reasonable decision, so why do I have regrets? Why do I think that I have taken over playing the game and sending mixed messages now? I am concerned about my concern. I pray for wisdom here, I pray for logic and practicality.

I will go to work today to bury my sorrows…..I will gloss over this lapse next week, for now I revel in the thought of the extended olive branch.

Reality Check

Its been a rough week...I was sad, angry,angry, angry, sad...sounds bipolar right?

I took the opportunity ysterday to browse through some of the stuff I posted.....lets just say that I hope later in life I can laugh at myself...that, or be lucid enough to not need meds to laugh. I would hate to read it all in one go because that's when I think it will sound even crazier....WOW....the only thing that gives me some pause on this concept that I have crossed over, is that I am able to recognise the disturbed overtones and therefore may still be able to consider myself logical (sane).

I feel like apoligizing to the world for putting you all through this. I thank you all though, for being so patient.

If Wishes were Horses Beggars would Ride...and How

It is way past my bedtime but sleep seems elusive tonight....I am a little high. With nothing better to do I thought about the Gaul of this man.....it was stimulating. I thought about what I would and could do to him...if he would only let me. Right now I wish I were a little more tech savvy I would block this post for inappropriate content.


I thought about the thickness of his lips...its been a while since I had such big juicy lips.....more importantly I love the feeling of those thick lips on the inside of my .....I would kiss his forehead, his nose , his cheeks and earlobes....I would spread those lips with my tongue and search the inner corridors of his mouth.....the kind of kiss where he wouldn't have to do anything....just give in. ...I would lick the sides of his neck, dabble with his adams apple and trail kisses to both nipples......I would lubricate my own nipple and run them from his head to his feet.....I would rest them in spots, his nipples, his navel, his balls....I would take him into my mouth and listen for the sounds of deep satisfaction......I would lull him to sleep with a rhythmic actionas I enjoy every wonderful inch...over head, shaft and balls I would go with my tongue, leaving no space undone.....and if he was really good, I would glide my tongue over the most stimulating part of all licking and sucking till I could hear the clarion call....I would witness the build up and work for it to come to an end......I would listen to his body and reassure him that this session was all about him.....I would lick my lips and rest my hips on the source of his bliss and I would wine for him, on him....I would support him through his shudders I would coax him to release......I would tell him to give me the reins and lose control, if only for a minute.


I wonder if I were to call at this hour if success would be mine......or do I plug in the radio again and hope that cupid is playing another game.

Silence

Today was a better day...not good..but better. The ravenous animal of yesterday remained in its cage and I employed the 1 - 10 rule and even managed to turn a blind eye or two on explosive content. Yes I felt my age today...I applied balance and judgement and I think I did well....if only this were me all the time.

I spoke with the gentleman on business issues and he tried hard to coax the sleeping dragon out of its cave. I listened to him work and I determined the state of play and was not compelled to join in the fun...we spoke, he said bye and I said bye......it was good. I was busy today so he danced in my mind a few meetings but nothing I couldn't handle.....as the evening drew near however and as the work lull settled in...I got foolish.

I called....he did not answer.

BAD DAY

Today was one of those days...you know.....where everything you do becomes a falsehood, where people exist for the sole purpose of making you angry...today was that day, and I as I steal a moment to apologize to all for my short fuse I am cognisant of the fact that the day is not yet done, and that the opportunity will certainly arise where I throw off the gloves and have myself a good row with someone...I pity the fool who crosses me at this time.

It has entered my mind that my emotional state may be a result of my going through the stages of final acceptance of the end of the interference in my life. I pray this is so.

Fuming

If I ask that a particular action be taken, namely ending this "thing" for want of a better word because I cannot classify it as a relationship, is it not reasonable to expect that the answer to be given will be something akin even slightly to the request made?

I have conveyed that he has occupied my mind for too long without it bearing real fruit and I asked that we revert to the professional relationship we had prior... the only caveat being that he be the one to end it because I have had no success in following my own decisions when made. So I asked him to say "fuck off"...in better words of course.....I would have closure and be able to continue without doubts of the state of play......why didn't that reap the desired response? I think it was clear...clearer than clear, that I cannot continue down this path......

How then do you respond by saying I am "overstating the case" and "we will talk"? What the fuck is up with that? I am pissed the hell off at this effrontery and am at the point where the real me will have to shine some fucking light on the "case" punctuated of course with my usual (though he doesn't yet know this) colourful language.....He is bloodclaught out of order.

Why do men think women are incapable of being just like them when threatened...believe me today he will find out that I have been a good girl only because I thought it would get me what I wanted....and of course the knowledge that we have to work together has always tempered my temper....but today I will release the restraints and grab him by the balls.....I can't even believe this shit.

Why am I so angry.

Regrets Part Deux

July 23, 2007

I realized the hard way that words once said/SMS'd/emailed/IM'd cannot be retrieved. I have lost this war sourly….I don’t think that I can do much more with self in order to divorce it from my consciousness…all I know is that I am hurting….bad.

My heart beats at the thought of him and my anger rises simultaneously still. I wish I could change….not for anyone else, just for me….to protect me…..I wish I were a party animal, nothing could get through then…nothing could touch me through my 6 inch sandals and ass popping shorts which opens the curtains to toned thighs of steel which compliment a DD bust line clad in soft sheer chiffon and….I could dance through the raindrops and not get wet….I could possess men with little effort……I could do all this and not get scarred…..but alas I am only an ordinary female, resurrecting the softness of my heart and cool nature of my spirit in a bid to touch another heart and move it by sheer will to the confines of my open arms.

My greatest concern is how this will all be treated at this juncture…when the words disappear from your screen and you can’t reel it back in, when the beep of the voicemail comes in notifying of your having exhausted the available space for this purpose, when all you can do is sit and reflect on how determined you were to strangle your own self and freedom……..I have always wondered why women go out on that limb at every opportunity. That limb that either holds you up afterwards or gives way under your feet. Why are we the ones giving freely at all times, of our selves , of our hearts, of our sensitivity, of our core…..why do we continue to push the envelop until it breaks when we are ignorant of what lies inside. Why do we take that leap of faith….is female intuition sufficient authority to sponsor such an act?

My only hope is that I can process and live with the consequences of my actions….I hope for strength to carry on under these horrible circumstances. I hope for focused energy to pour myself into work…I hope he goes on a month’s leave…..I hope he rejects my proposal that he ends it….I hope, God , I hope I know what I really want and am not desiring an ideal in an unreal world.

Refreshing the Soul

I thought yesterday about the life I was living and not loving and felt guilty that I had belittled the true value of my life for a passing seemingly one-sided fling. The misery of my broken heart pails in compassion to people with real issues for not wanting to live…like belief systems, hunger, forcing the powers that be to recognise the truth of your peoples’ existence….you know, those issues that make you a martyr for laying down your life.

I am ashamed of my subordinating the importance of life to a failed attempt at union and I do apologise, but as I look at life and my life now, I cannot see where and how this broken heart can be mended. He breaks me, he breaks my spirit. The quasi happy/playful person I was is no more because he doesn’t say yes. A part of me can’t believe that I fell prey to life’s sweet catalyst for despair…he is my despair.

The series of moments which have characterised the months preceding and which I know cannot continue, are proof of my fluid grip on self…and I send messages to my heart that I must not, shall not, be this eager to be with him …but, it fails to connect so I am left to put my heart on the line, time and time again for its now usual denial. But why am I not accustomed yet then?

I hate him for his hold over me, I hate him for his acceptance of his male self which allows him to be just the person he is to me, I hate him for not wanting me , I hate him, I hate him , I hate him ….and I hate me.

I have been “putting up a resistance” (to borrow from one of Reggae’s dearest sons, Beresford Hammond) and trying to work it out but when does one hold, fold and call it….hmmmmm. When does one throw in the towel and recognise failure, when does one stop banging ones head against the proverbial brick wall and just stop…to see if the blood already drawn is sufficient to cleanse the heart…..to encourage the tears which wont come over this man, because you know that until you purge yourself you are stuck in the same rut, a heart uncovered.

Tears are, I think, a necessary party to the healing process. It irrigates the soul, it relieves the burden of years, and it signals the end of the beginning and your acquiescence to the notion of conclusion. The book is closed, the pages burnt by tears forever seal shut with a piece of your heart within, never to be reopened. We still find enough to frenzy ourselves in similar but different fashion again however.

I crave for freedom, I don’t want this anymore, the stakes are too high.

Regrets pt 1

I had a rough night again last night, thought I was doing better, but nope. Funny thing is that I can't remember ever being this enamoured in my life, certainly not for so long....maybe its because I can't get what I want?? In my tiredness I did something foolish as well....AGAIN....made contact to the effect of reiterating that he was a p---y tease....and that I needed to know my place in the chronology of his extra marital priorities....you know girl #2,3,4,5 ......

I don't know why I did it I just did...seemed a good idea at the time but I know how scared guys can get with a question like this being posed. At this moment though, I must admit to not caring too much about where I fall, as long as it brings me my prize. I just want to get enough of it so that I can make a decent determination and leave it the f--k alone. Can it be possible that I want this man so much????? "ole time people woulda seh a tie him tie mi". Translation - My grandmother's generation would say that he has conjured up evil spirits to assist him in possessing me for as long as he wants.

I have even taken up walking in the evenings to burn off some of this excess energy...its too much for a body. At least this situation is bearing useful fruit in the area of my physical fitness, God knows that's the only good impact it is having on my health.

I have not gotten a response...I do not expect to. Frustration always leads to irrational actions.

In Awe of Beauty

It has happened again...this is the first since the official beginning of summer, which usually also marks the beginning of the Hurricane season for those of us who reside in the Caribbean, but there has been a noticeable absence of this commodity. I speak of rain....and once again I am not disappointed at the brilliance birthed by this soaking of the earth. The mountains are as green as ever...that rich dark green that defines lushness...even the clouds seem brighter, whiter, more playful as they caress the mountain tops. Its Magnificent. The earth shows promise of a renaissance as the last patches of green in the grass seems more vibrant. I wish I were more articulate to provide better imagery, but there is no mistaking that we are blessed to wake up to this island paradise everyday.

How does God do it?

Dangerous Play

I got a mixed message again yesterday. I dropped him a note.....of course at the behest of my boss....on some of the issues raised in his expose on radio which had immediate implications for some of the work being done in my office. He read between the lines of my e-mail and gave me a call on one issue in particular. I was professional, I uncovered that stern voice which I am told I posses which likens me to a member of the police force or army.....at first he was unaware that it was meand I considered my mission successful.

Moments occurred along the way which, were I in a playful mood, could have been fertile ground for a jaunt down player road, but I resisted and stayed focused on the issues. When we had gotten to a Rubicon punctuated by silences I bit the bullet and brought the conversation to an end with obvious abruptness. There was silence again...and he asked if I were overly busy....I know my answer should have been yes but having recognised that he clearly had something more to say, I said no.

We discussed what would have accounted for my being awake at that hour to have heard the broadcast and why I did not seize the opportunity to call-in to ventilate some of the issues we had just discussed. I figured this was just the tip of the iceberg so I played along and we chuckled at the series of (what I now refer to as) ill fated events which unfolded the night before.

In the course of this new conversation he asked why I didn't call after the broadcast...I laughed and told him it would have been unwise so to do......he asked that I elaborate and my lack of patience overtook me...I asked him to be quiet for a little bit..... and as I gathered my thoughts quickly recognising that I was burning inside and my jawline had sprung into that usual reflex of clenching and releasing, and in an effort to exhibit some control I told him it would be better for us to end the conversation now and not proceed down this disquietening path. He did not yield to my urging...surprise, surprise he never does.......so I packaged my answer in pretty paper and bows and hoped it was clear but not bitter.....I hate responding to things when I am angry because I become incoherent at best and usually fall prey to demonstrating my dexterity with expletives of both local and international origin.

I told him that I could not and would not call because as yet I have not deciphered the nature of our extra-work relationship, and have treated same as non-existent but for one or two moments of weakness when I bow to the allure of the game. I told him I consider him to be a p---y tease and would not expect much more from him than has already been demonstrated.

He reminded me that I too have been less than accommodating in terms of us having actual moments outside of work related events....I can't remember when. I reminded him that we are both involved and that he has a ring on his finger, so any time we spend together has to be mindful/respectful of the fact that dates can be broken because this arrangement is not considered primus in our lives.....and this is how it should be......At anytime therefore wifey or my spoogie could wish to spend some time at that time so to remain respectful to all sides we, at times are forced to break dates.

There was silence.....and I was sorry I had laid it out as I had.

As Fate Would Have It

I think if this were happening to someone else I would be able to detect and indeed enjoy the irony. As I continue to battle through my desire to remove myself from this emotional state, I sat at home last night completely shackled in thoughts of him and as I resolved to get some sleep, I, in a quite unusual move, chose to unwind to some music on the radio rather than watch my usual comedies. I switched on, and under normal circumstances my radio would have been stuck on a lovely station which gives me a good mix of alternative music, reggae, country and western etc.

That would have been too easy, I now realise, as in this time of torture the spirits continue to use me as a pawn in this game. So needless to say my station had been changed, and emanating from this channel was the ramblings of this MAN. I fail to see how it is that I will manage to untangle myself from this thing, when at 10:30 at night, a time which usually catches me deep in sleep having gone to bed from 8 or 8:30, I chose to switch the radio on instead of the TV and I get caught hearing his voice. Its incredible.....and the most unlikely of things.

I couldn't tear myself away and thankfully he spoke about work related issues so used this as an excuse to listen and as a means of processing and focusing myself on the issues so as to be in an informed position in the morning. I made contact with my boss and we pulled points of interest together from the interview/session. I smiled inside and out though...this was just too uncanny.

Can't I get a break....are the forces of good or evil so intent on my falling that they would orchestrate such a plot against me?

The Things People Say

I heard something today that I will confess wound me up beyond belief....I know that of late I have had a little more than my share of emotion from one part of the continuum to the other but I don't think I overreacted at all.

I couldn't believe that in 2007 there would be an individual out there with the most benighted views ever expressed. In the light of the fact that her race was once considered no greater than a part of the property on a plantation, I would have expected some level of reasoned understanding and compassion for those who were not born in the great land of gold streets.

It pisses me off to know that some of the arguments whites used against blacks in the 60's are now being proffered against a set of people who were fortunate or unfortunate enough to want to seek a better life for their families.

The decision to immigrate to another country, legally or illegally, is a tough one, no immigrant goes into this uncertainty lightly, but is driven instead by a baser need to live without fear of persecution in instances, or just the joy of being able to provide for your family.....mothers leave children behind thereby creating great rifts which at times are irredeemable just to seek a better life, men and women do the most menial of work just to rest their heads at night without fear of religious or political persecution. Yes I admit that some immigrants become what would seem to be a burden on the public purse but I ask that before we rush to judge, one should try to quantify the contribution of immigrants in general to that purse.

I have concluded that the thoughts could only have emanated from a mind too immature and arrogant to think let alone grasp the concept of a man as just a man and to offer to that man the courtesy of a fair opportunity to live.

Even Boring Myself Now

I continue to drown in indecision and am again reaching out to any straw that will facilitate my being able t rip myself away from this unknown entity that I have become. Have you ever been physically and mentally damn tired of being stuck in a rut? Enough Already. I have committed yet again to just being too busy to think or act on any thoughts of him...even now as I write this I am overburdened with work that needs to happen right now.....but still I procrastinate on expelling this enigma so that progress can be made.

I am even getting jealous now....and I hear the question how can you be jealous of a man that's not yours as well as a player..... and I am forced to acknowledge that this was the attraction in the first place....so let it the hell go. I wish I could beat myself into submission on this issue (knowing me I would probably enjoy that too much though).

I also had an opportunity to look at some of the other blogs and have come to a realization that I am the only snivelling puppet in this thing. Not that I am judging my own work or that of others but it just seems that people out there are concerned with larger and other issues...as they should be.....I am not even coherent anymore so that's it for this post. DAMN.

I wish my name was Alice


I wish I lived in wonderland...where anything was possible. What would I wish for...all that's thinkable.....to me to be the life I see is the world of lavish abundance in me.

In Search of a Smile

The curve of your lips as you give strength to those who have not.
The twinkle in your eyes, like starlites on new year’s eve
The transformation of Sullen
The refreshing relaxation it sends to even the hardest of hearts
A moment of Truth

I want that
I need that
Its been soooo long since I have had that
A smile for me is hope
Smile for me so hope is maintained like the burning bush in my heart
One day soon I too will possess this art

Goodmorning

I stretched out this morning
I stretched my mind to a place where wisdom, love and happiness unfolded like blossoms in April. I couldn’t help thinking though that somewhere, somehow I lost my way:….
Somewhere between love and caring
Somewhere between happiness and depression
Somewhere between comfort and I’m alright
Somewhere between 24 and 30

It seems a great gap, I know, but its not.

I opened my eyes and when I looked up to the heaven I saw a sky that was spirited in blue….Clouds purposely drifted aimlessly and beauty unravelled all around me. I watched as two birds whistled what seemed to be a love song as they balanced miraculously on a twig too fragile to withstand even a gust of breeze…..I watched as two spiders got caught up in a web and I thought then that I was once like that, I was that entangled and caught up in bliss, I was…..I thought I was.

How amazing it is that one could take note of so much happiness while sad.

Hurt Dissection

I have realized that as much as words may hurt......silence hurts even more. Now I wish I hadn't fallen prey to the plot of the Friday 13th imp and made that contact, because now all I can do is kick myself for having tried.

I have also realized that being a woman is not something you can turn your back on, inevitably you hurt like any other, no matter how much of a tomboy, player, vixen you are.......you hurt like the rest of them when the right buttons are pressed......your heart is susceptible just because you are a woman....and its not that your head isn't telling you to stop the rubbish...you hurt until you can't hurt anymore, but even then you still manage to put yourself into positions which cause you to have to manage more and more pain.....the only redemption is that nothing, no condition in this life lasts forever.

D-Day

Friday the 13th. I really have nothing to report however I thought it would be remiss of me to have this extraordinary day pass without my making a comment on its import.

Today I think the portals of the darkside are allowed to roam this land and reek havoc on its inhabitants without too much hoopla being created. It is accepted that on this day bad things happen so we go about our lives knowing that at any moment in this 24 hrs we could be struck with an unfortunate happening....and we seem comfortable with that. For those of us who believe in God we can combat any series of evil happenings with our faith in God's protection.

Already, despite my belief in my Lord's protection, I have exercised my will and bowed to temptation. The events this week which have orchestrated my path crossings with this man were simply too much and too weird...I worked late last night only to find that he had to deliver something to my boss, who was working late too. I mean...come the hell on. So of course he popped in to say Hi. The Lord still provided me protection as we were unable to get beyond that point owing to the entrance of my boss shortly after his arrival. Thank goodness, I know I would have gotten carried away....patience has not been my friend this week...... thereby breaking my covenant.

Moments between us did not pass as smoothly as they could have; there was some erotic pandering as he asked for a piece of gum...which I was of course already chewing....and I felt compelled to live up to my temptress nature so I slightly exposed the sweet between my lips as an offering. The company we were in did not permit him to bite, but he noticed my intention and winked it away......I would say that the desired effect was achieved.

I wish I could get over this nasty part so that I could really have some fun with him...he is as playful as I am.

Mending Walls

I had a rough night though.....a part of me wanted to scream and kick myself for not answering his call the day before yesterday, but my head tells me that I made the right decision....he needs to know that I am not at his beck and call. So I am left to pour out these feelings into the world wide web with a view to extricating myself from these emotions.

I got caught again yesterday.......in a teleconference this time. Man, if I knew all I had to do to hear from him was try to not hear from him I would have tried this a long time ago....but I think progress is being made in getting back to a good working relationship. I unfortunately was in physical pain and short tempered to boot, so in many instances I was clipped.......thankfully I wasn't the only party on this side who was visibly and audibly angry so I am hoping he did not read my ire wrongly. I realize now that it is true that one can never really regain respect once lost.

Music, Beautiful Music

So I bought John Legend's first Album last night....I knew that one song, you know "Ordinary People" but I was surprised at how much this little fellow captures the musings of a cheating heart. He is goooooood.

I was captivated by his articulation of how things really happen sometimes and indeed, that its not about not loving your partner or being careless its just that some people move you in a particular....below the navel way and you may wish to take a sample.....your partner doesn't have to know, not because of the consequences of our actions, but the fact that it has nothing to do with them, literally.....its like an alternate universe. I think I will get his sophomore album today....hope I am not too disappointed, follow up albums tend to not live up to expectations e.g Lauryn Hill's second attempt.

Other "moving" songs on the album:

"She Don't have to know"
"I can change"
"Live it up"
"Lets get Lifted Again"
"So High"

The latter two fully expresses the creativity of a mind altered by the smoke of an inspirational control substance.

Victory???

Why is it that when you seek to do the right thing, that's when all the temptation in the world comes to visit and stay a while with you?

In an attempt to reorganize and cast myself in a mould that is distinctly divorced from that which I have been committed to over the past few months, I ordered my steps and turned my back on the forbidden fruit I wished......with all my might......to be resident in my garden. I bobbed and weaved my way out of meetings...even took a day from work to escape being across the table from this man, but alas like an ant to work it was inevitable that our paths would cross.

I don't know if Venus was in alignment with Saturn but all my attempts to avoid star crossings were rebuffed by impish meddlings and I was left like a lamb to the slaughter in the quasi...thank God....company of the source of my distress and he was in true form.

To excuse myself would have been too obvious, we all have to eat....I was told.....and as I watched the query on my boss' face I knew I was stuck. So again I sat trapped by his eyes, which I could feel pattern my every move, he was playing that game....the game that we played in better times only this time I knew the stakes were higher so I ignored the openings provided me. A moment of rescue came when my cell phone rang and I excused myself to answer.....yes I could feel his eyes on my ass as I rose from the table....but I was glad, it was my Boo. "Hey boogie", I greeted him while still in ear shot of the table, hoping it had had the desired effect.

Throughout the meal I was taken with the man's dexterity with a knife and fork and in a careless moment I was thrown back to a time when those hands played all too knowingly over my body. I caught myself and recoiled into my comfortable anti social self and at that moment I realized that he was intent on playing the fool and fooling with me so I reverted to a playful self and we went to town with subtle innuendos and looks of lust while my boss wasn't looking and I felt vindicated when he was invited to stroll to the desert table and could not disguise his obvious stimulation.

While that was fun I didn't wish to traverse these waters too much for fear that I would get too caught up, so I changed yet again to a business focus which, thankfully, grounded all parties and we got some work done.

Not being the type to not exploit a situation, as we walked to our cars he extended his hand for a platonic goodbye and I ceased the moment, stepped into him on my tip toe and whispered in his ear "now we both know you know me better than that"....... and as my tongue brushed against his ear lobe and my hands slid around his waist and my fingers moved down his back in a blatant embrace I felt him shiver and I released the moment with deep satisfaction that it was still there....somewhere.

As I drove home I watched as my cell phone vibrated on the seat next to me with an all too familiar number on the display......I did not answer.

I found a distraction.....I spent a weekend of love, reconnecting with old feelings I always had for the man in my heart. We made new memories and I thought of how good we were together. Why do we continue to play each other, then? Why can't he keep it in his pants and why can't I fight the need to take revenge every time he slips into another? Love is hard.

We do the dance, he thinks I am lying, I think he's lying, but we've managed to go 9 years with just a few hiccups, roadblocks, parting of ways in the mix....but how I feel for this man is as obvious as the contrast of night on day.....he knows me inside and out and he can weave me into shapes, states and forms in a way no other can even venture to do...he has me lock, stock and barrel and he knows......more importantly he knows the potency of my own hold over him and this works for us.

We are getting older though and the game is no longer as amusing and titilating as it once was ......(as is demonstrated by my ineptitude in dealing with this latest fling)........ I keep thinking that the time might be drawing nigh for him to dispense with my fobia about marriage and pop the question.......expecting of course an answer in the affirmative......the funny thing is, while my throat still gets tight at the thought of spending the rest of my life with one man, my heart has wrapped itself around the idea with effortless ease and I am left to choose which master to serve, my feeling nature or my mind.

Today in the Caribbean is a day that we have been trying to bottle and sell to tourists as the ideal. Today is the right day for a dip in the river down the hill, or a short jaunt over to Hellshire to laze in the summer beach setting and have some escovitch fish and fried bammy. Today is a day that babies could be conceived if only one could drag oneself out of the hammock neatly strung between the ackee and mango trees. The breeze is light but provides ample barrier to a sun anxious to show its brilliance, the mountains are alive with colour and the soft serenade of birds lull you into sleep submission with a smile. Oh to relax....to breathe in the island spice, to listen to the rustle of the trees as nature caresses every leaf......yes....today is the day to remember how blessed we are, and how valuable the simple life can be.

I have always disapproved of the circulated artificial motto of my homeland but today I can see why it came into being, because at this moment nothing is truer, nothing resonates more with me right now....No Problem indeed.

Saluting Hope

Words of wisdom in the form of an anonymous comment flowed into my consciousness yesterday, like a messenger from God, confirming previous thoughts I had buried because of an ill fated will to get my trophy. I was grateful for the input and in my usual impetuousness I thought to follow....its amazing how little a part age plays in the process of maturity, because at this age I thought I would be able to make the right decisions and follow my head, which had always red flagged my entering into this situation, but like a child I continue to disobey in my pursuit.

I blame OCD....it makes me feel better so to say....it would exercise my psyche too much were I to leave this matter unfinished.....though I can't help thinking that I would be unamused if the judgement were to not come out in my favour.

I know what I need to do to alleviate this pregnant pause in my life......its doing it that's the problem. I am confident though that the day will come when all this will be like a floating crude memory.....things and times are changing that may make and commit to the decision for me.

Fraustration

I have often wondered about the man-woman phenomenon, but often dismissed the matter as too overwhelming for a simple mind such as mine to comprehend. I have determined that life is made up of ebbs and flows, and that men and woman do this waltz to two separate beats. For example, men are content to not even consider their own feelings in matters of the heart, while women make themselves sick with psycho analysis of moments that could have gone better and things to say or do to bring about a desired reaction, creation of alternate realities where the control rests with them and they are able to plan, plot and chart the course.

I am woman, I have plotted, charted and planned several courses to get what I want from this unnamed experience I am going through and I have lost every single time. Of course it could be that he is just that good, in control, elusive, but still I convince myself that no man could withstand all this without feeling...even a little...right? I think he enjoys the attention, which man wouldn't, but is embattled within weighing the consequences of his actions or a misstep. He is caught up and a slave to appearances, he, in his mind, has the right job, the right wife, the right lifestyle....and I have never been a stickler for those fan dangles......so I pose a threat. He wants to indulge, but in the event that there is a breach of confidentiality, will he be able to survive....I don't care...I just want to be in sustained control for once...

I know, I sound like the devil who has not thought about the sin we would commit and the burning of our souls afterwards. I feel like Eve in the garden of Eden and I am hoping that my result will be as good as hers. But, I have thought of this and it saddens me immensely. I am only human though and usually this passes but I will continue to work on it. I have asked the Lord to help me out, of course my reasons for so doing are not all honourable, for I want to not commit the sin because it is wrong, yes, but also because it will allow me to not get caught up in love.

They say God knows the heart, and he knows that I am not serious about stopping for the right reasons. I wish I could stop though...even if its just to ensure that my heart and senses remain protected and I don't make an absolute fool of myself, thereby creating a situation where he feels constrained to look at or talk to me even about business. But he keeps sending me mixed signals and I feel I am getting pretty damn close to being unkind, so assistance or clarification had better be around the corner.

How can I not be interested though, when for the first time I have happened upon a target who seems immune to my special brand of sensuality....at the very least he should want to @$#%*^ me. How can he not be as interested as I am? It boggles my mind, but for this reason I know I am on dangerous ground. I want him to want me so much it hurts.....I want him to want me enough to not be satisfied with conversation every so often...I want him to want me so much he would say the words, seek me out, play by my rules.

I know I cannot achieve this unless there is distance put between us, unless I am patient, unless I stop trying to rush him....but I am not patient...I am at times, but not all the time. I thought this blog would help me to deal with this excess energy which is reserved only for him....but its not helping. I have thought about getting a distraction from this man, but I know it wouldn't work...I am too obsessive....I want what I want, nothing will take its place.

Have a Little Faith In Me

Like a bride with no oil in her lamp I missed an opportunity on Friday to plunge myself even deeper into sin.....I would have at the drop of a hat too. For the first time you broke your own rule and called me, unfortunately, way too late. The kinda call that both parties know is meant to convey just one thing....I want you now.

In a tale of two unfortunate moves you didn't coax me into awakening so you allowed the moment to pass, probably thinking that it was not meant to be and that you were being saved from yourself. Had you waited one/two/three minutes more you would have roused me from my slumber and I would have sprung into action like Nancy Drew on her latest caper.

Again, the speed with which you dismiss me is the source of our contention....your inability to lose control is a barrier to mutually beneficial outcomes.....

How many more opportunities will I give him before I wake up?