Opportunity Renounced

July 28, 2007

I have decided that I may truly be foggy in thought because I turned down an invitation to treat myself to that which I desire more than anything ….now. What is wrong with me? I finally get what I want but I say no…..it must be the torture then….yeah, that’s it…I am addicted to the torture…right?

I keep playing the day over and over in my head and I don’t know when I was usurped by some alter ego or something with a conscience. I know I was possessed because it is, I think, a little too late for regrets….a little too late to be thinking about anyone else in the mix….so what went wrong?

I shared space with him this morning in one of our many “decision making” sessions, I wasn’t particularly off put or putting….we had polite and even funny dialogue, with only one sexual innuendo being slid therein, while we waited for others to join.

He said today that he would ban me from asking the question “What’s up?” I acted as though I had no idea about the meaning he was trying to put……privately I felt deep satisfaction, again confirmation that it was still there…..somewhere…..of course this could be spinning again, he is not unaccustomed with knowing his audience and telling them what they need to hear. I countered with a bit of advice/caution about the words one uses to Scorpio –artsy people…..we tend to interpret things the way we want to be able to meet our own wants/needs. It would be useful therefore to curtail references to my ability to stimulate, unless it is what is intended to be conveyed, because I will act on it.

As usual he was a vision to watch in action, he is that good at making people believe him…wow. Methinks he missed his calling....should have been a politician..... the difficulty is that…if one is that capable of spinning truth, then how do you really know what truth is on any matter (personally I think its when you have a man under you and despite best efforts, with eyes rolling over and lips being bit, when his hands tremble to touch you, he releases…… when that beautiful sound of satisfaction is heard, before he wanted to, before he taught you that lesson about a big man f__k before he got to take up the reins). That’s when truth is told.

Afterwards, we spoke in company and we went our separate ways….couldn’t help but mention though, that it would be interesting to see his frenzied reaction in another sphere…. that was it. I worked late, and was overcome by a feeling of deep want to be enveloped by someone…you know, one of those hugs that cultivates content….I communicated as much, promised I wouldn’t stray outside of this boundary…..and he said no…scheduling difficulties he claimed. That’s when he proposed a time and space….again my impetuousness was inundated with offence and I felt angry at having lost again…so I said no thanks.

A reasonable decision, so why do I have regrets? Why do I think that I have taken over playing the game and sending mixed messages now? I am concerned about my concern. I pray for wisdom here, I pray for logic and practicality.

I will go to work today to bury my sorrows…..I will gloss over this lapse next week, for now I revel in the thought of the extended olive branch.