July 23, 2007
I realized the hard way that words once said/SMS'd/emailed/IM'd cannot be retrieved. I have lost this war sourly….I don’t think that I can do much more with self in order to divorce it from my consciousness…all I know is that I am hurting….bad.
I realized the hard way that words once said/SMS'd/emailed/IM'd cannot be retrieved. I have lost this war sourly….I don’t think that I can do much more with self in order to divorce it from my consciousness…all I know is that I am hurting….bad.
My heart beats at the thought of him and my anger rises simultaneously still. I wish I could change….not for anyone else, just for me….to protect me…..I wish I were a party animal, nothing could get through then…nothing could touch me through my 6 inch sandals and ass popping shorts which opens the curtains to toned thighs of steel which compliment a DD bust line clad in soft sheer chiffon and….I could dance through the raindrops and not get wet….I could possess men with little effort……I could do all this and not get scarred…..but alas I am only an ordinary female, resurrecting the softness of my heart and cool nature of my spirit in a bid to touch another heart and move it by sheer will to the confines of my open arms.
My greatest concern is how this will all be treated at this juncture…when the words disappear from your screen and you can’t reel it back in, when the beep of the voicemail comes in notifying of your having exhausted the available space for this purpose, when all you can do is sit and reflect on how determined you were to strangle your own self and freedom……..I have always wondered why women go out on that limb at every opportunity. That limb that either holds you up afterwards or gives way under your feet. Why are we the ones giving freely at all times, of our selves , of our hearts, of our sensitivity, of our core…..why do we continue to push the envelop until it breaks when we are ignorant of what lies inside. Why do we take that leap of faith….is female intuition sufficient authority to sponsor such an act?
My only hope is that I can process and live with the consequences of my actions….I hope for strength to carry on under these horrible circumstances. I hope for focused energy to pour myself into work…I hope he goes on a month’s leave…..I hope he rejects my proposal that he ends it….I hope, God , I hope I know what I really want and am not desiring an ideal in an unreal world.
My greatest concern is how this will all be treated at this juncture…when the words disappear from your screen and you can’t reel it back in, when the beep of the voicemail comes in notifying of your having exhausted the available space for this purpose, when all you can do is sit and reflect on how determined you were to strangle your own self and freedom……..I have always wondered why women go out on that limb at every opportunity. That limb that either holds you up afterwards or gives way under your feet. Why are we the ones giving freely at all times, of our selves , of our hearts, of our sensitivity, of our core…..why do we continue to push the envelop until it breaks when we are ignorant of what lies inside. Why do we take that leap of faith….is female intuition sufficient authority to sponsor such an act?
My only hope is that I can process and live with the consequences of my actions….I hope for strength to carry on under these horrible circumstances. I hope for focused energy to pour myself into work…I hope he goes on a month’s leave…..I hope he rejects my proposal that he ends it….I hope, God , I hope I know what I really want and am not desiring an ideal in an unreal world.
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