Sizzla has a tune and the first line...." Lovely morning, filled with the blessings of goodness.." resonates with me usually, but especially this morning.
It was a pleasure driving into work this morning....I saw school girls walking and studying/swatting prior to entering the school gate ( I had forgotten that this was how it was in High School)....I didn't even know the kids studied anymore or even had education as a plan for future success, it was heartening. I travelled further along and saw a Daddy alight from a vehicle his little girl in tow and I stopped and allowed him to cross with her.....at the gate he helped her with her backpack and watched as she hustled into the school yard.....this was a blessing to see in a time where "fathers" are never around and fail to play their part in nurturing their youths and the future of this country. Further along South Camp road there was yet another father with his daughter on his little bike, her helmet in tact as both journeyed on to who knows where....What a blessing to behold.
I cruised after that, and took in some of the other sights......sometimes we get so caught up in our issues that we don't notice the hope that's demonstrated everyday......hope, that is within our grasp. Its good to take a break from you and just watch the life unfold.
It is a lovely morning indeed.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Interrupted Thoughts
Alright, I am at a loss. If I were not overburdened with work and wasn't as paranoid about my now inability to play the game effectively, I would spend some time in thought of my colleague who spent the better part of an afternoon and late, late evening with me, my boss and the Player.
- I would wonder about his seeming coldness when we finished the first engagement....some whispering in both his and the player's ear occurred but nothing too bad....I was being me.
- I would also wonder about his chuckle when I said I had to make a stop at HQ prior to attending the evening cocktails.
- I would think about his apparent aloofness when I finally reached the engagement and his initial unwillingness to smile for me...just a little....I thought I was being funny.
- I would think about the fact that he eventually loosened up and it was good dialogue between the four of us.
- I would wonder why he chose yesterday to engage me in conversation about the unwillingness of women to accept and want a "good guy" and the seeming masochistic nature we have to put ourselves through so much with the "bad boys".
Where did that come from?
Like I said these thoughts would occupy my mind in a fulsome manner if I didn't have work and didn't know that we were just bredrens in his eyes.....yeah, that's it, it was just a bredren to bredren convo, he knows I cheat without reason and he knows he can't deal with that so we were just shooting the breeze....For the record, sweet guys are appealing, its just that we would never measure up and would always end up frigging them up.
- I would wonder about his seeming coldness when we finished the first engagement....some whispering in both his and the player's ear occurred but nothing too bad....I was being me.
- I would also wonder about his chuckle when I said I had to make a stop at HQ prior to attending the evening cocktails.
- I would think about his apparent aloofness when I finally reached the engagement and his initial unwillingness to smile for me...just a little....I thought I was being funny.
- I would think about the fact that he eventually loosened up and it was good dialogue between the four of us.
- I would wonder why he chose yesterday to engage me in conversation about the unwillingness of women to accept and want a "good guy" and the seeming masochistic nature we have to put ourselves through so much with the "bad boys".
Where did that come from?
Like I said these thoughts would occupy my mind in a fulsome manner if I didn't have work and didn't know that we were just bredrens in his eyes.....yeah, that's it, it was just a bredren to bredren convo, he knows I cheat without reason and he knows he can't deal with that so we were just shooting the breeze....For the record, sweet guys are appealing, its just that we would never measure up and would always end up frigging them up.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
For everything there is a season
Sometimes somethings hurt a lot more than you thought they would, then you are caught off guard and lack the capacity to deal effectively with it. Sometimes some people piss you off with one word, and you are unable to explain how or why it riles you up.
I need a break from this island and some of the people in it. It was a horrid week where I did some things I shouldn't have, said some things I didn't really, really mean and agreed to something I ought not to have. I've determined that men have a good reason to be afraid of women round about that time of the month....we should go back to the Arawak days and institute a mandatory separation of women who are afflicted for the duration of their affliction. Its just the most confusing time.
On Tuesday I got to work okay and was doing fine until the wheels started to turn on how I could make contact but still save face......I had to go see one of the Player's underlings so I had hoped to capitalise on the stroke of luck and play around with him a little. He wasn't in Office. Though that was disappointing I accepted it as the father working on my behalf so it was all good.
It was like I was on the prowl though, so like any other animal searching to find sustenance, I stopped by Boogie and fucked with him for a while.....a little piece during work hours is always exhilarating. On my way back to work Player called and gave me a song and dance before getting to the real issue, whether I was with or could deliver a message to my boss. I'm only human so a little anger did rise, but what to do you win some and you lose some. I delivered his message and tried to call him back to indicate as much, not sure why I wanted to do that, but he didn't answer and again I yielded to the superior power at work.
As the day dragged on and I settled into doing some real work, my phone rang.....it was First Love. We had great dialogue which ended with him asking if I could meet him in Atlanta in two weeks. I wasn't too big on the idea, cause you never know with him, he could decide to play by the rules as well as he could rip them to shreds and burn them in front of your eyes, prior to bedding you down with simple sweet force....what can I say, I like a little roughness. I told him I would think about it.
No sooner had I hung up from him did I get a call from my recently converted bredren/friend.....I decided to tread lightly with him cause he has been weird about the whole thing......I no longer get to talk to him about everything, he no longer makes reasonably frequent contact (of course it has crossed my mind that maybe all this time was spent trying to get into my pants and now that he had succeeded there was no need to continue the pretence) I don't like this interpretation much, but what to do if that's what it is.....He keeps calling on a number that I have told him I am about to retire, the phone is hardly ever charged....then he doesn't leave a message cause I guess he's in a huff, and when I make contact after a while he doesn't answer or he's really matter of fact until he articulates that he had tried to get me a few weeks back.......why can't he be like the Player, at least he answers intermitently and gave me time, with relative courtesy and honour, to expel the infatuation from my system....men are too complex. The conversation was strained, with him asking when I would come back that side....I lied and said I didn't know (couldn't tell him next month and that I didn't plan to see him...cause it wasn't that great...., I need to appear as though I am anxious to see him but having some scheduling difficulties)......yeah this is how the thing shoulda did set up inna the previous escapade but it was all intended to teach me a few life lessons, and I can't argue with that.
Later last week I also got a call from that ATL guy, who is coming to visit later this month and expressed a wish to see me....not sure I like the looks of him, he could get a little too sticky so I told him I may have to travel but would keep him posted.....Whew.
When trouble set fi a gal it set eeh. A nuh nutten still, I plan to just live the live and let the shit flow. If things work out one way or another, then I will deal.
Its good to be back in this space, being the being I can face in the mirror.
I need a break from this island and some of the people in it. It was a horrid week where I did some things I shouldn't have, said some things I didn't really, really mean and agreed to something I ought not to have. I've determined that men have a good reason to be afraid of women round about that time of the month....we should go back to the Arawak days and institute a mandatory separation of women who are afflicted for the duration of their affliction. Its just the most confusing time.
On Tuesday I got to work okay and was doing fine until the wheels started to turn on how I could make contact but still save face......I had to go see one of the Player's underlings so I had hoped to capitalise on the stroke of luck and play around with him a little. He wasn't in Office. Though that was disappointing I accepted it as the father working on my behalf so it was all good.
It was like I was on the prowl though, so like any other animal searching to find sustenance, I stopped by Boogie and fucked with him for a while.....a little piece during work hours is always exhilarating. On my way back to work Player called and gave me a song and dance before getting to the real issue, whether I was with or could deliver a message to my boss. I'm only human so a little anger did rise, but what to do you win some and you lose some. I delivered his message and tried to call him back to indicate as much, not sure why I wanted to do that, but he didn't answer and again I yielded to the superior power at work.
As the day dragged on and I settled into doing some real work, my phone rang.....it was First Love. We had great dialogue which ended with him asking if I could meet him in Atlanta in two weeks. I wasn't too big on the idea, cause you never know with him, he could decide to play by the rules as well as he could rip them to shreds and burn them in front of your eyes, prior to bedding you down with simple sweet force....what can I say, I like a little roughness. I told him I would think about it.
No sooner had I hung up from him did I get a call from my recently converted bredren/friend.....I decided to tread lightly with him cause he has been weird about the whole thing......I no longer get to talk to him about everything, he no longer makes reasonably frequent contact (of course it has crossed my mind that maybe all this time was spent trying to get into my pants and now that he had succeeded there was no need to continue the pretence) I don't like this interpretation much, but what to do if that's what it is.....He keeps calling on a number that I have told him I am about to retire, the phone is hardly ever charged....then he doesn't leave a message cause I guess he's in a huff, and when I make contact after a while he doesn't answer or he's really matter of fact until he articulates that he had tried to get me a few weeks back.......why can't he be like the Player, at least he answers intermitently and gave me time, with relative courtesy and honour, to expel the infatuation from my system....men are too complex. The conversation was strained, with him asking when I would come back that side....I lied and said I didn't know (couldn't tell him next month and that I didn't plan to see him...cause it wasn't that great...., I need to appear as though I am anxious to see him but having some scheduling difficulties)......yeah this is how the thing shoulda did set up inna the previous escapade but it was all intended to teach me a few life lessons, and I can't argue with that.
Later last week I also got a call from that ATL guy, who is coming to visit later this month and expressed a wish to see me....not sure I like the looks of him, he could get a little too sticky so I told him I may have to travel but would keep him posted.....Whew.
When trouble set fi a gal it set eeh. A nuh nutten still, I plan to just live the live and let the shit flow. If things work out one way or another, then I will deal.
Its good to be back in this space, being the being I can face in the mirror.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Obedience
How do you stop loving someone you've always loved?
Yesterday he wasn't fully well and I left for home early cause I was "poka, poka" (not very sick but not well). It was good, he came to visit and we made dinner. We talked and laughed and tried our utmost to stay within the friendship parameters. It was challenging though for me......usually I am not amused to have a man lay down beside me and do nothing else, I mean.....why are you in bed with me then?......I always knew though that I had no use for a sick man worse now, when I am under such pressure to stay focused on the bredren thing.
As he slept he pulled me close to him, my back against his front, and it felt good until I felt the old familiar feelings, then I got cross, angry and miserable......I shimmied out of his embrace and repaired to the living room so that I could play by the rules....he didn't seem overly perturbed by my action and that just made it worse.....it seems so easy for him to be my friend.....I wish I were as good as him at this.
Yesterday he wasn't fully well and I left for home early cause I was "poka, poka" (not very sick but not well). It was good, he came to visit and we made dinner. We talked and laughed and tried our utmost to stay within the friendship parameters. It was challenging though for me......usually I am not amused to have a man lay down beside me and do nothing else, I mean.....why are you in bed with me then?......I always knew though that I had no use for a sick man worse now, when I am under such pressure to stay focused on the bredren thing.
As he slept he pulled me close to him, my back against his front, and it felt good until I felt the old familiar feelings, then I got cross, angry and miserable......I shimmied out of his embrace and repaired to the living room so that I could play by the rules....he didn't seem overly perturbed by my action and that just made it worse.....it seems so easy for him to be my friend.....I wish I were as good as him at this.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Being a Friend
Boogie and I spoke under the stars in Port Royal on Friday.......I have concluded that talking isn't good, there must be a better way to communicate for those of us who are verbally and temperamentally challenged.....when the sea breeze no longer muffled the sound of our argument I asked him to come swim with me, hoping that the lapping of the water would drown out some of the foolishness....he didn't oblige. Not one to be detained by minor logical issues i stripped down and dove into the darkness of the water.....that jaws started that way only played in my mind once or twice.
I had a swim, swimming always made me feel better when I was younger, as a matter of fact I remembered being 23 on the same beach under a pretty full moon which illuminated every glistening curve of my body as I emerged from the water, much to his appreciation. Those were better times, I didn't argue as much then, I was still a little girl and he was larger than life to me....(sigh).
Anyway I had my swim and when I got out he asked what I was going to do for a towel.....I stepped up to him, unfolded his arms and told him I could do one of two things; I could let the breeze do its thing; or I could unbutton his shirt and rub myself against him until I was dry......he didn't ask which was more appealing and I think, if the evidence of his arousal was anything to go by, I knew which he would prefer. We enjoyed each other in probably the only safe place left in Jamdown, and then we talked some more.
I got clarity on what the boundaries of our friendship were and the reason for the shift in paradigm (there's nothing like the spoken word); we spoke about forgiving if not forgetting and the difficulty the former would pose; we spoke about my appetite for....some things including indulging my temper; we spoke about his need to remember that I'm not 22 anymore and that my Daddy complex was limited to the bedroom;we spoke about being better to each other, respecting each other more.........we spoke about too much I think.
I agreed to the friendship in the amended construct.... I pushed the memory of us trying since we met to be 'friends only' and the failure we always reaped in that department, to the back of my mind and determined that I would let it flow cause if a friendship him want, then friendship him aguh get......Mi jus haffi memba fi keep mi feelings inside, sometimes love really is not enough.
I had a swim, swimming always made me feel better when I was younger, as a matter of fact I remembered being 23 on the same beach under a pretty full moon which illuminated every glistening curve of my body as I emerged from the water, much to his appreciation. Those were better times, I didn't argue as much then, I was still a little girl and he was larger than life to me....(sigh).
Anyway I had my swim and when I got out he asked what I was going to do for a towel.....I stepped up to him, unfolded his arms and told him I could do one of two things; I could let the breeze do its thing; or I could unbutton his shirt and rub myself against him until I was dry......he didn't ask which was more appealing and I think, if the evidence of his arousal was anything to go by, I knew which he would prefer. We enjoyed each other in probably the only safe place left in Jamdown, and then we talked some more.
I got clarity on what the boundaries of our friendship were and the reason for the shift in paradigm (there's nothing like the spoken word); we spoke about forgiving if not forgetting and the difficulty the former would pose; we spoke about my appetite for....some things including indulging my temper; we spoke about his need to remember that I'm not 22 anymore and that my Daddy complex was limited to the bedroom;we spoke about being better to each other, respecting each other more.........we spoke about too much I think.
I agreed to the friendship in the amended construct.... I pushed the memory of us trying since we met to be 'friends only' and the failure we always reaped in that department, to the back of my mind and determined that I would let it flow cause if a friendship him want, then friendship him aguh get......Mi jus haffi memba fi keep mi feelings inside, sometimes love really is not enough.
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