Fraustration

I have often wondered about the man-woman phenomenon, but often dismissed the matter as too overwhelming for a simple mind such as mine to comprehend. I have determined that life is made up of ebbs and flows, and that men and woman do this waltz to two separate beats. For example, men are content to not even consider their own feelings in matters of the heart, while women make themselves sick with psycho analysis of moments that could have gone better and things to say or do to bring about a desired reaction, creation of alternate realities where the control rests with them and they are able to plan, plot and chart the course.

I am woman, I have plotted, charted and planned several courses to get what I want from this unnamed experience I am going through and I have lost every single time. Of course it could be that he is just that good, in control, elusive, but still I convince myself that no man could withstand all this without feeling...even a little...right? I think he enjoys the attention, which man wouldn't, but is embattled within weighing the consequences of his actions or a misstep. He is caught up and a slave to appearances, he, in his mind, has the right job, the right wife, the right lifestyle....and I have never been a stickler for those fan dangles......so I pose a threat. He wants to indulge, but in the event that there is a breach of confidentiality, will he be able to survive....I don't care...I just want to be in sustained control for once...

I know, I sound like the devil who has not thought about the sin we would commit and the burning of our souls afterwards. I feel like Eve in the garden of Eden and I am hoping that my result will be as good as hers. But, I have thought of this and it saddens me immensely. I am only human though and usually this passes but I will continue to work on it. I have asked the Lord to help me out, of course my reasons for so doing are not all honourable, for I want to not commit the sin because it is wrong, yes, but also because it will allow me to not get caught up in love.

They say God knows the heart, and he knows that I am not serious about stopping for the right reasons. I wish I could stop though...even if its just to ensure that my heart and senses remain protected and I don't make an absolute fool of myself, thereby creating a situation where he feels constrained to look at or talk to me even about business. But he keeps sending me mixed signals and I feel I am getting pretty damn close to being unkind, so assistance or clarification had better be around the corner.

How can I not be interested though, when for the first time I have happened upon a target who seems immune to my special brand of sensuality....at the very least he should want to @$#%*^ me. How can he not be as interested as I am? It boggles my mind, but for this reason I know I am on dangerous ground. I want him to want me so much it hurts.....I want him to want me enough to not be satisfied with conversation every so often...I want him to want me so much he would say the words, seek me out, play by my rules.

I know I cannot achieve this unless there is distance put between us, unless I am patient, unless I stop trying to rush him....but I am not patient...I am at times, but not all the time. I thought this blog would help me to deal with this excess energy which is reserved only for him....but its not helping. I have thought about getting a distraction from this man, but I know it wouldn't work...I am too obsessive....I want what I want, nothing will take its place.