Weighing on my Mind

So I am to be attending a Conference overseas later this month. Well, I am still praying that my paperwork will be rejected by the powers that be, but as it stands now, I'm the chosen one. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind...in fact, if this were last year this time, I'd have been ecstatic. Now, however, I am dejected....he will be there. In a time long ago we had agreed that this Conference was well placed to give an opportunity for exploration of 'us' but now....with all that has transpired....including a hell of a blow out last Monday night, I am apprehensive about attending.

I guess I don't trust myself to maintain my vexation when the possibility of having all access to the playground that is he is looming.....I would love to say that I would be aloof and strictly business but I am unsure. I do have a plan of action in the event that the word is yes though. I have a few friends there that I haven't seen in ages and I guess I could conscript them into blocking for me during the day....then all I have to worry about is at night, when the yearning and the ramblings in my head take over.

What if he makes a move? "Mi nah guh lie, mi weak, mi weak bad" so I may give in, but I would have done all things necessary up to that point to avoid coupling. Its gonna be a shitty trip because I would be flying back on my birthday....imagine 8 hrs on a plane when its your 'earthday'.....not that I am looking forward to getting closer to the grave....but it will be the first birthday since I started having sex that I would not be getting a little sumpn, sumpn, to start the day right.....you know.....a little early morning glory.

I guess I will have to deal one way or another....I sure wish I had better soft skills in this matter, cause I know my act will be discernible from a mile away, and he could take pleasure in watching me squirm.......but I gotta do it.....an untidy win is better than a pretty defeat.