Its 4:31 in the afternoon.....nothing yet...I continue to check, but I already know that I labour in vain. My eyes are wet with the emotion I feel...even now he breaks me....now when I have made up my mind and only have to suffer through the memories until they dissolve.....he breaks me when I fall, he has the entire knife drawer when it comes to me, not only the handles. I keep trying to make myself feel better by saying that the message sent really did not warrant a response....the courtesy of a response would be just that a courtesy.....I am two glasses of wine in the hole and I fear that it will soon be the bottle.....Damn...its Monday for crying out loud...how can I be drinking at 4 ish on a Monday?
He breaks me and I know not what to do....he fills my thoughts today and last night.....I made love to him in my mind last night as if he were the only lover in my life.....I played the roles I needed to play....the fantasy him was tender, caring and very flattering of my expertise, and I was consumed by his pleasure and it felt great.....I wish he could know that......but I know to have him find this out would reveal too much of me...for now I can continue to hold my head up high and exchange pleasantries when we meet in company and beat a speedy retreat once these meetings are done so as not to get caught in after conversations where opportunities for pandering can be exploited.
How foolish can I get to have risked undoing all the work done in the past few days, with a display of my inability to stave off indulging my feelings. I am again undone by self.
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I took a while to respond to this...as I have admitted in this blog, I don't like responding when I'm angry so I took the time to deal with that and am now ready for constructive dialogue.
That said, I hope I never gave the impression that my ego was not bruised in this matter. Infact I think I have always been clear on the fact that it is my inability to get what I want from this man that is the source of my contention... mostly...Do I think I am in Love? Sometimes.
I did take the time to ask myself the question you suggested and see no reason to lie...therefore if today he were to ask me to be with him, I would throw caution, reason, reasonableness and anything else to the wind, if it is that it could be on mutually agreed terms...that's why sometimes when he makes approaches...and he has been in these last few days.... I don't say yes...its always on his terms.
I realise that I am taking too long to get over this and as you say that might be a function of how battered and bruised my ego is, but nonetheless I am happy to feel...it keeps me connected to life and all the love in it. That notwithstanding I recognised, a long time ago, that I needed to move on, first out of a need to secure my real relationship and secondly to save face, unfortunately I keep reverting to perilous actions which derail the progress I make in this matter....I am stubborn I will admit, and it bugs me no end to know that I have not nor cannot win/conquer this man, but I can only hope to one day believe the things I say here and use it as a catalyst for breaking his hold over me.
What I have learned in this life is that no one can make that decision for you, no one can move you to move on, only you possess that power......unfortunately ones ability to exercise that power is a moving target sometimes....the only thing that is absolute is that only you can make you stop. Life is a process, some processes are easy, some hard....this is one of those hard ones...for me.
On another score, I appreciate your playing the "bad cop" role for me...tough love, I get that, and its cool.
Oh how I understand the good days and the not so good ones. You may remember my post where I shared that it took me about 2-years… At times I reflect back at the once-upon-a-time... I'm a much happier person now. Writing was the best therapy for me and I'm glad you are doing just that. Wishing you all the good days you want ~ big hugs ~
Lot 53....hugs received and were well needed after ReggaeB's bashing :-)
I was wondering why there was no response to that. I have no problem being the bad guy if it helps you in the end. After all, most if not all of those things are things that I scold myself on after much prayer and chanting have failed to purify these thoughts out of life. Although I have never met you, I would treat you no less than I would myself.
Funnily enough, I am glad I made you angry, I may be wrong (I have gotten so use to writing this disclaimer) but I bet you thoughts of his hot bod were not swimming in his head while you were thinking how best to lash me out. LOL. Haaaa, it is good to feel I won't dispute that, I never suggested that you shouldn't feel but always bear in mind what your boundaries are (we are not going back to the jumping off a cliff days!!!!). Love
Boundaries are the images of ground not yet conquered...cliff jumping has always appealed to me anyway we are Jamaicans, do we really respect boundaries? I think not.....I take your point though and will do better in the furture.
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