Rambling Oppression

I have been absolutely horrible in this matter, I've determined. I've been a loose canon in pursuit of nothingness. I fell too easily and seemingly abandoned myself in the context of forbidden fruit.

The other day I asked what were the wages of sin? I now know.....guilt, eternal damnation, self inflicted purgatory where your mind rambles on, interpreting and misinterpreting issues, actions and words.....where you lay awake at night suspicious of the man beside you, hoping you don't fall asleep so that he can creep off to take that risk to make contact, wishing you had done things differently, wishing your affair had yielded the same commitment to fooling around, knowing that if he persists you won't be as accommodating because the guilt of your own error deeds will fall away and you will have to deal.....but he doesn't know the danger that this will pose......he doesn't know that you feel like you should fuck the world in a bid to erase your failure....he doesn't know that you are almost at the tipping point....there is so much that he doesn't know, but you can't say.

Yet even with the above happening on the ground, your mind strays to the possibility of love with an attached other. A girlfriend of mine asked how I fared at the Conference with him. A routine question, but as I gave sketchy details she questioned the prudence of cuddling with him.....I couldn't offer a reasonable defense....I knew it was wrong to do, everything in me knew it, but I did and now I am in much deeper. I don't want this.

When I think back at my actions, I feel compelled to apologise, blame it on the rain maybe.....I am sooo sorry for sooo much. I want this to end......but he is in me, and I am not patient enough to allow things to flow....to allow the challenge he is to flow out of me......but it needs to happen because I am standing on the edge and I fear that to pursue further will result in plunging me into a double life abyss.

A life which I unfortunately am all too familiar with, having lived this life for the better part of five years of my existence.......although this wouldn't be anything like that.....with that I was young so I fell, hard, and he was much older so he fell too, hard.....it was a whirlwind romance until the reality of the situation kicked in....then it was guilt riddled and vexing, but soooo sweet too were the moments of absolute togetherness......you know, when both partners were off the island or something like that, where you actually could spend time feeling each other, knowing each other....not having to watch the clock, not having to rush to shower to remove that wonderful smell of sex, being able to wake up in the morning and rub your eyes in his chest knowing that you could just rest there in that nook for the rest of the day, knowing that he could warm your bed two consecutive nights without fear......... calling at 1, 2 or 3 in the morning because you can't sleep.....closing your eyes and listening to his voice resonate through your being....relaxing in him.

But this is nothing like that so why fight for it? Why be patient, because even this quasi happy state of being would be excluded from the deal.....why should I fight for 3 monthly or 6 monthly meetings, why fight for what is not present, what would make it worthwhile?