Ramblings - Stupidity

I still want him....but its bearable for now, and anyway I am unwell...think I may have to leave work soon.....I am not in a good place.

I had some time to think, and I realised that I should be thanking him for how he has chosen to deal with this thing. I have determined that he is fully aware of how caught up I am and is seeking to protect me from my damn self and maybe I should tip my hat to him for not allowing me to destroy my relationship, my reality, in pursuit of this fantasy.

When I think back on the him I knew prior to now I realise that he is waaaay out of my league.....I am a simple girl, I have simple likes, simple dislikes, simple feelings....the world is black and white for me...but he is......much bigger. As I thought about the presentation he gave at the Conference, the only representative from the sand and sea side of the world who was asked to speak at that level, the respect they gave him; the potential to use him as the voice of an entire block of peoples....its a lot....he is much bigger than I could ever dream to be or put aside my laziness to accomplish....can I blame him for seemingly seeking to trade up to my boss....she is much bigger too. I will take what I was able to get from him and I will accept the inevitable end.

I think he wants her.....I was target practice for the real game. In my black and white world I can't help but feel like I am running way down the order on his list of extra marital affairs and I have never liked second place....you simply don't act this way if you want something....you grab it at every opportunity, you hold it close, you protect it, you don't flirt with other people in the presence of her, you don't, not call....I have made it too easy for him to dismiss me.

I am not angry....a little hurt maybe, but definitely not raging bull angry as I usually get.....I am and have been a silly girl...to think I could actually hold on to him, I can't even hold a conversation with him.