The Human Spirit

The human spirit has the ability to triumph over all things, with the grace of God of course. I realise now that I embarked on a journey to test the human condition of my spouse and was amazed at the response. I recognise now that people will continue to cheat, lie, steal and such in the attempt to get at the deeper you. The void we have inside can only be filled by human contact and attention to our human condition.

My last posting identified the need to learn the rules of the game in order to play that game. I lost the game but not the lesson....I have gained so much over this period and I want to establish this mechanism as the greatest form of self therapy. That I was undone by my own musings, is hilarious I am sure but at this time I cannot enjoy the irony. I have sat here week after week (some longer than others) pouring out my innermost thoughts to the web world and I felt cleansed each time. What I did not realise was that as I was pouring out my heart, he was reading every line. What do you do when you realise that your wife, girlfriend, partner is as adept at playing the game successfully as you are?

To my dismay however the knowledge that he knows has left me in a spiral of lost innocence. I feel that I have left my hand in the cookie jar for all to see. Unwittingly, or maybe it was a stroke of good sense, he mentioned nothing and I continued in my false secrecy. It hurts that he knows about me in this way, yes he may have gotten glimpses given the length of our cohabitation but I never imagined that this would have played out quite like it has. There are few things in this life I regret, my Mom dying before she saw me and my siblings blossom, that I cannot comprehend the process that takes place when the land is washed by the rains from the heavens and the magnificence that emerges just after those showers, the way the hills are refreshed. The magnitude of the issues I regret in this life I hope is clear from my examples. This notwithstanding, I will add the hurt one feels when someone who loves you says he knows that you've been cheating, especially where there was no intention to disrupt your relationship bubble.

The stark clarity and reality of man's inability to plan life becomes very present in these moments, and the guilty have no redress but for a understanding heart.