Bleeding Heart

June 3, 2007

I am compelled again to document my thoughts as a means of processing all the drama in my life. This post mortem allows me freedom to lay to rest all the things I woulda, shoulda, coulda, done better in the situation, all the things that haunt my every waking moment. I know I was foolish to write, and not secure my spewings but so overcome with emotion was I…new emotion….that I got careless. I guess one could say that carelessness begets carelessness, because I should have never strayed from my man’s bussom in the first place, and to think to the semi open arms of a player.

My spirit weeps for the love that I might have lost, the sweet way in which he would stroke my hair in the morning to wake me up, and the uninhibited release he provided when we came together. These are things I will never forget…it will forever be the goal post by which all others are arbitrated.

Why are people so bad at making themselves happy? Why can’t we decipher the code for true bliss before it slips through our fingers or offers up an ultimatum? Why is it so hard to do the right thing, at all time? Why do we unravel so, when our actions’ consequences come home to roost?

For the past week I have been asking myself, whether it is possible to “get it back to good”, as they say in that song. I keep coming up empty on a response. I must say though, that love is unyielding….it tugs at your heart like wounded sparrow and it makes you foolish. Now that I am the one caught I have lost all hands, not only the upper. I am left in a world now where I have to submit to him…my passionate nature subdued by the urge to keep us together and not pile more shit on an already overburdened affair of the heart. It is not me.

I can only hope and pray THAT MY PERGATORY ENDS SOON AND I AM RETURNED, REFRESHED AND READY FOR THE TRIP THAT IS LIFE.

My only consolation is that he is just a man and will ultimately fall prey to his own temptation and then I will have the handle returned to its rightful place.