SURMISING

June 10, 2007

In a moment of clarity this Sunday Morning I uncovered the truth. I realized that I was, like the proverbial monkey chasing its tail, in a battle of wills with a greater opponent. I thought to myself that I was foolish, and could see no other out but to bury my emotion deep within, but I was wrong, because other options run readily to mind now.

In my cluttered stubborn obsessiveness I lost sight of the power I wield, the power which had kept him interested and making advances over the years. That air of mystery. I can only hope that its not too late for me to switch roles and allow him to get caught up in my game for a change. I do realise that embarking on this process could spell disaster but I feel compelled to try, after all, what’s the worst that could result? Friendship? As daunting as that is, I will proceed to devise a framework for my plan.

Admittedly, I could once again be lost in my own little world that I have created to help me process these matters in a non-hysterical manner. I though this morning that he could be as bothered as I am, but recognising the threat, has chosen to keep as far out of my reach as possible. I realised that the battle I fight inside may very well be his also. My impatience clouded my understanding of the emotion at play here, which I will not verbalize but know deep within that it is a true one. One does not rush something you have worked on for 5 years. Instead like fine wine, you unplug the bottle, allow it to breath, swirl it around, take in its breathy aroma and gently sip, engulfing your senses in its delectably wonderful taste.

I realize that in seeking to conquer the mountain, I have been a deficient Mohammed. I had scant regard for the “friendship” we could share. Dangerous, I know but nonetheless inspiring. I have decided to be the friend he wants, no pressure to consummate, just be a friend. If he wants to call me once a month or less, I will let him hold the reigns and make those decisions. In the long run it will work out for me as well, because the bed buddy I have always sought is what he is offering, albeit on his terms….we get together once in a while to exorcise our demons and go back to our lives feeling refreshed….I can call him up once in a while and we can go and have a drink and chat and there will be no performance anxiety.

Sweet torture will be replaced by understanding in this model, and I will rest well at night once more. Critical to the plan is my ability to be indifferent, to think of him, not with his tongue in my mouth but as a bonafide friend, to let him stimulate my mind (in a non sexual way) and not my body.

This could be fun. Learning new things about oneself is always a beneficial experience…right? I endeavour from this day forward to be the buddy he needs, when he needs it and to develop some level of patience and understanding when he does not require my skills. “Friendship here I come”, will be the banner I will carry.

I can’t help think though, what else am I willing to compromise on, in order to maintain contact? Is it really that important to me?