The Genesis

May 5, 2007

I know I should be reading these not so subtle hints you give me which etch in stone the ease with which I am dismissible and therefore underscore the fact that your feelings for me are fleeting…..and that’s the way it should be…..but you are in my system. I want you more now than I ever did before, but I am mindful of the fragile ground I am on and the possible negative impact of my rushing into things.

I wish I could tell you that I don’t feel much, and that I am afraid of the feelings emerging. I remember that initially all I wanted was a little revenge on “wifey” and to sample a lawyer…but now I want more. I convinced myself that all I wanted to do was conquer you, maybe have you request my loving once or twice…I thought it would be interesting….but now I can’t get you out of my system and I lament the reality of not being able to get what I want. Why can’t I get what I want??? This question haunts my very existence each day.

Patience…I soooo wish I were patient enough not to make a fool of myself, to be able to compartmentalize…then I could pretend it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me who had him so far down my throat that I gagged….It wasn’t me who boldly hiked up my dress and stole a taste as he watched…It wasn’t this girl who really had a crush on him for years. No way, no how, It wasn’t me who pulled him deeper and deeper into me as I offered up a treat for his most sensitive part. It wasn’t me who advertised my ass for the spanking it deserved…no sir, it wasn’t me.

Now I can’t hide from the fact of the past and I know that it is me now, who stands at a crossroads pondering the future and wishing I had not been so exuberant.

I wish I could say “look at me”…forget the promise of performance, forget the spouses, forget the professional relationship and the possible bad outcomes. Think instead of the fact that I came to you, and that this was not my usual thing. I came unashamed of the implications, unmoved by the absence of a proper period for wooing…I came that night without the trappings of undergarments…..fully expecting what I got. I know I was setting a bad precedence but so eager was I that you used it against me and got a freebie.

Sometimes I think about the genesis and I get angry, mostly at myself, but also at your effrontery for thinking and knowing that I would not disagree to being manhandled on the office floor, like a cheap trick…and I want to say F—K Y--, but I cannot forget that I promised I wouldn’t be like other women…that I agreed that using me for pleasure was desirable. That I told you, you could spread my most intimate parts and pucker up and it would be nothing the morning after. That I could be the woman who cocked it up in his office and wouldn’t get all weird when she had some time to think about it.

I wish I could tell you that I would love to follow in your footsteps and focus on the real relationship I have. The man who doesn’t have to search to hit the spot….the man I curl up with in that nook….the one who holds my heart in the palm of his hands…the man I trust to wrap a belt around my neck while he whips me into submission, the man who isn’t “wierded” out by that….the man who gets me………But I can’t…I want you….for now.