Hopelessly in Love

Yes, I have said the words I didn't want to say, didn't want to admit to. I am in love with him, I now articulate. Its not only about the sex, enough of which has not taken place for me to really be this caught up, it is the fact that I "like him, like him". I confess this now so that the process of healing can commence. A feat which I hope to achieve through the documentation of this experience in its entirety with a view to getting him out of my system.

Whoever sung that song was right, it is gonna be kinda hard to get him out of my system, but why? I don't have the answers, I wont even claim to understand any part of the question other than the way I feel now and have felt since then. I confess that I have always liked him. He's tall, dark and handsome, a little on the chubby side now but handsome nonetheless, with legs that go on forever. He's a confident man, to the point of obnoxiousness, and that's the kinda man I like. One who is sure of himself and his abilities. His dick is adequate, personally I would have preferred something bigger but whatever will be will be. Its not the size of the instrument its how it is used, and this is at the crux of the matter.

I have had a few lovers but could only use two guys as my marker for excellence; the man that took my virginity, and the man who took me from the man that took my virginity. I have always sought to encourage a freedom of the mind when I have my flings because I know that it is unfair to compare skills....a noble notion though incapable of being adhered to or fulfilled. So as time went by I would "lick and promise" ( all the yardie dem out deh shoulda know what dat mean) while making the necessary comparisons, and almost always was able to discard each effortlessly just because they did not and could not measure up. This man though....this mocha mutha fucka had the moves.....and where he didn't, demonstrated "trainability", hence my dilemma.

Before now, my only concern with the man was whether or not I would be able to sustain a current affairs conversation, not whether he could hit my spot, and for me, that was all I needed. He has been attempting to lure me in for years, but I was too busy to give it serious consideration and relegated his advances to the fact that he was a flirt. I should have known that he would have affected me, just from that fact.

It seemed so perfect, he was married and therefore did not pose the usual threat of "playing stuckie" (Yardie term again) if the sex was good, but provided a platform for me to express myself a few times and leave it at that. Alas, I never knew that I could have fallen so deeply so quickly for another man, a married man at that.......though my track record could disprove this theory. I always seem to be seriously attracted to men who are too boastful for their own good, and men who think that the world stands ready to grant their every wish. This time however I know this is not what I want. I cannot go down this road again, the whole drama that unfolds when you are in love with a married man is something best experienced only once in a lifetime, but still I cannot divorce myself from my feelings for him. I am caught up. I need to be freed because only disaster could result for me.

I almost forgot how much new love hurts, the uncertainty, the feelings of being rejected, the confidence depletion, not knowing if he feels anything for you, not wanting to feel this way....its fucked up.

I can hear the questions being asked, "Am I sure I am in love or just thinking with my crotch instead of not my head"? I don't know, would be my answer.....I don't know. I also don't think I am willing to risk the unencumbered relationship I have for one which would amount to nought. I just pray and hope I will come to my senses soon and stop this foolishness. Although, its funny how we are easily tempted even when the Lord has granted us reprieve.