June 4, 2007
I thought life was meant to teach you lessons as you went along the pause to create a consciousness of the things which we ought to recoil into our safe zones when faced. Marcus Garvey said that a man who has no consciousness of his history is destined to repeat past mistakes. I am conscious and aware of the bitter fruit in my life so why am I so frivolous with my heart?
Heart break is never something from which one recovers. Each experience is reincarnated in every relationship you have. Some with less intensity, others with power enough to encourage delirium. I am conflicted to ask the question, when is the lesson finished? For fear that I am submerged into a thought process so disparaging that the very reason for being in this state is objectified as a minor set back. Were this so, then the smell of the earth as it is caressed by the first drops of a summer shower would be lost to mankind, never to be enjoyed again.
Love hurts so much it hurts when you realize you are in love. It hurts because you know that you become vulnerable and offer all excuses, take all the b—ls--t, just to retain a piece of the experience. For me, there is no sweeter single emotion. It is the vein of life, it is at the core of our being; we search for it, we give up things for it, we do things to get it humans are incapable of not loving. We become members of the too human club. The club that provides refudge for the ‘used’ persons in this existence. I have always heard it said that “you don’t marry the people you love, you marry the people who love you” A reasonable interpretation I am sure, however one could also say that such a scenario puts at risk the institution, as persons are inevitably haunted by those they loved which thereby creating prosperous fodder for infidelity. Why not marry the people we love, just be sure to choose a partner who loves you back.
It seems that only love could persuade a married man to pursue, in his own way, a woman for the better part of 4 years, with the pursuit being recognized by all onlookers. Only love could let you watch her increase in dimension and still be attracted. Only love could make a confident man stutter at the thought of you. Only love could let her sit up at 2 in the morning writing about a world that she has created in her mind just to help her deal.
I thought life was meant to teach you lessons as you went along the pause to create a consciousness of the things which we ought to recoil into our safe zones when faced. Marcus Garvey said that a man who has no consciousness of his history is destined to repeat past mistakes. I am conscious and aware of the bitter fruit in my life so why am I so frivolous with my heart?
Heart break is never something from which one recovers. Each experience is reincarnated in every relationship you have. Some with less intensity, others with power enough to encourage delirium. I am conflicted to ask the question, when is the lesson finished? For fear that I am submerged into a thought process so disparaging that the very reason for being in this state is objectified as a minor set back. Were this so, then the smell of the earth as it is caressed by the first drops of a summer shower would be lost to mankind, never to be enjoyed again.
Love hurts so much it hurts when you realize you are in love. It hurts because you know that you become vulnerable and offer all excuses, take all the b—ls--t, just to retain a piece of the experience. For me, there is no sweeter single emotion. It is the vein of life, it is at the core of our being; we search for it, we give up things for it, we do things to get it humans are incapable of not loving. We become members of the too human club. The club that provides refudge for the ‘used’ persons in this existence. I have always heard it said that “you don’t marry the people you love, you marry the people who love you” A reasonable interpretation I am sure, however one could also say that such a scenario puts at risk the institution, as persons are inevitably haunted by those they loved which thereby creating prosperous fodder for infidelity. Why not marry the people we love, just be sure to choose a partner who loves you back.
It seems that only love could persuade a married man to pursue, in his own way, a woman for the better part of 4 years, with the pursuit being recognized by all onlookers. Only love could let you watch her increase in dimension and still be attracted. Only love could make a confident man stutter at the thought of you. Only love could let her sit up at 2 in the morning writing about a world that she has created in her mind just to help her deal.
Of course one always runs the risk of being wrong in this regard, having ascribed the title of that profound and elusive force to a misinterpreted need to physically conquer. Either way, embarrassment comes as part and parcel of the brainchild.
To each his own they say, and my “own” is wanting you so much it defies logical thought….it bars entry of other thoughts into the process. The devil has dealt us a hard hand from which winning is impossible. I must admit to being out of my depths with this one though; his crusade to teach patience is lost on my feeble, base being, for I am a slave to satisfying my Id. I tell myself its only sex but deep down I know there is more, as to the quantum the jury is still out. The sanctity of the ‘relationship bubble’ is threatened by my desires and I don’t like it.
I want to flush you from my system…how can I do that? I see trouble with you, from our inability to be outside of the bedroom to the impact on our spouses, I see trouble. Frankly I am beginning to think that the finger in the fire lesson is not as instructive as we may think, because here I stand with my whole being engulfed in flames and still I would risk it all again just to lay with him.
My misgivings are numerous and varied but paramount to all this is my inability to trust him. To trust him to not break my heart, to trust him to take the tough decisions when things get too much, to trust that he will respect me in the morning after he has unlocked my most deepest sanctuaries, to trust that he will be honest. I think I have demonstrated that I am incapable of seeing things in a lucid manner and therefore handling my business. Why did I allow the mistreatment from his wife to influence my carelessness so that my sweet revenge on her has become my own torture.
I know all I have to do is lift the receiver and call him and we would be back in business, but I don’t have the gonads for that. I prefer to think that we were like two ships passing in the night, we got close enough to touch each other but it was fleeting…and it should remain as such. No more.
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