Bleeding Heart Part II

June 3, 2007

I am amazed at myself for what I am about to write, but I have not yet gotten over this man. I watched today as he did his thing, mumbo jumboing, and thising and thating, but all I could think about was the way he affected me. Why did he affect me so? To this I offer only one line of biased reasoning. He affects me because I LET HIM.

I thought today about the way he felt against me, the challenge he posed to break him free from the uptight trappings of a soul uncomfortable in its own body and space, the way his tongue pressed firmly against mine, prodding and searching every sweet bud, the way he lied and disrespected my time….the turnon that was, because of the realization that in this world of super women, there are some men who possess the kryptonite necessary to disarm, his capacity for intellectual undertakings, his cockiness which masked a sliver of insecurity, the way he tried my patience and drew my ire.

My conflict is clear…I miss him….but why?

I have given my word that this passing thing has ended, that I can focus on us in the way I used to. This has proven to be a very difficult task since I have to see and hear him from time to time. I try to stay angry at the fact that he broke my spirit, but I was never patient enough in the first place to muster the energy necessary to feed this anger. Do I think I can get him again? Yes, this is probably the problem. How does one achieve closure when there is not agreement between the concerned parties? Do I pretend that he committed some unforgivable cardinal sin to be able to maintain acceptable levels of anger sufficient to reshape my psyche? Too many questions without answers, I wonder if I am too old to rely on the stars for intervention.

The long and short of this tale is that there is no miraculous cure. One has to process and keep on processing so that life can return to normal. With this resolve and the grace of God, I know I will overcome. I just have to stay focused, remove myself from all problematic situations….its good that I am filled with so much pride, the sheer embarrassment of being the one to rekindle this contact will diminish any carnal urge I may harbour. He is married, I am getting to marriage….there is no future…..unless we are both prepared to settle for a few moments of……. IS IT WORTH IT?