I am Joseph the Interpreter

It was a starry night last night...I like outside sometimes. I like the unencumbered vibe it promotes. Yep, I spent quality time with self on the weekend. Of course I would rather have had a romping roaring fuck session but nope.....I was entertaining myself and doing a very bad job of hostess.

On the real though, sometimes I like the solitude....it forces me to ponder the larger questions of this life .......I would feel great afterwards and leave the process with as many solutions as I had started with but damn smug that I took time out to reflect.

Anyway........I had a beer in one hand and a spliff in the other and a beautiful star filled sky above to be my solace through the turmoil in me. I must admit that it is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with both issues but I am a trooper. My lack of adequate stress relief also compounded my pondering....all in all , it was a bitch of night. Ahhh sleep, I remember thee well, but like a prudish virgin you refuse to share my bed ........not an uncommon phenomenon these days I am constrained to admit.

I engaged myself in thoughts of him and almost made it through the night with 5hrs sleep......I missed it by 2hrs.....guess it wasn't meant to be like several other things in my life right now. Anyway I thought back to the other day when he visited......I was surrounded by colleagues, my boss included, and felt safe. As I watched them together I felt anger rise, but what to do. he seemed very focused on philosophising about the grass and its apparent greenness when one is on the outside looking in. I am not too big on the colour green these days so I had tuned out the rest.....also, thankfully my cell phone rang and I was happy o take the call....outside. I got away.

I rested outside for a bit and only returned when I felt my absence might have raised a few questions in my colleagues' minds.....thankfully I was seated farther away from him this time. I watched again as they played, twisting words and charming each other......that was hard. I looked on as compliments flew his way for the colours he had chosen to wear that day and how well he wore the suit......personally I would have preferred a lighter pink shirt, but he was looking good......I didn't want to add myself to the fawning female spew because I wasn't sure how it would've come across.......he did strike a pleasing picture though.

At the end of the visit, when he and I recognised that there would be no alone time for us, he reached for my hand......I always think he holds the handshake too long.....others looking on may notice, so I rush my grasp and let go, what feels like, too soon......I would have loved to hold his hand for a bit, but again....what to do?....I did wonder if he had come to deliver on my request for him to say "Fuck Off"....I must admit, a part of me hoped he had, and another part, lower down, hoped he hadn't. As he walked through the door he mouthed to me if I had gotten what he said earlier......my response, being me, was to indicate that all I needed to 'get' was those two words.....I am too difficult....I know.

Now I am left to wonder what the fuck he had said about the grass , who is/ is on the lawn, where the grass is...is it the immediate work threat or something else.....(for this one I should know better because....our real life people are never to be brought in the mix), did I really think the grass was greener or was I acknowledging the power of attraction and our inability to ignore same, what could have prompted him to challenge my brain so in the first place, that "Fuck Off" might be the easiest out since these mind twisters are insurmountable, and a host of other things......I've got to hand it to him, there are no freebies handed out, no easy route...nuh time at all.

(Sigh)....I wish he would just say three words; "I WANT YOU...never doubt that".....( well, maybe its six words).

I've said it before I am a simple girl, with a simple understanding of these matters...if you want something you go get it......I can't pretend to be anything but a stupid female right now and I want to have an easier route....I told him already, there few things in this life I like hard, this is not one of them....I want to be clear that there is something or conversely, that there really is nothing, it was just a fling.....I am tired of thinking.