Depressed

Today is not a good day.

My friends tell me I should "ben' mi min' to mi condition" and accept that I am single and therefore ought not long for moments of intimacy with my own...ish personal man. They drum into my ear more often these days as I lament my ineptitude at settling with that one dude, the need for me to rise above the allure of a dick and learn to live on my own. "Seek ye first the material and frig the emotional", they say.

Today therefore, as much as I try to focus on work, intermittently I reflect on this broken me. While I would love to adopt my friends' militant stance, its hard for me to be that girl. I'm too proud. Its not that I'm not interested in a man's wealth...I hope. Its presence removes so much of the stress from life cause a woman is at her best when she is unencumbered by financial woes.....its just that I like the other stuff too.

Its not only the dick. I like being in a relationship...even if its marred by infidelity, monogamy is a myth. Infidelity is a sideline activity, I like to think, and if he/she stays with you then this confirms it. If he/she goes, then it hurts initially, but one can't help but feel happy eventually that he/she is out of your life and have opened a door to your possible future happiness. I would never destroy years of a relationship because he dipped his dick inna a girl pon the side unless he demonstrated that this girl was who he wanted to be with on a full time basis ...then I have no difficulty stepping away cause I like to be the focus of attention. I would hope too that he would afford me the same consideration.

I miss more than anything, waking up with a man you don't have to put on a face for. I miss some other being knowing how much I love Cheetos and not scoffing at or giving me a lecture on my bad eating habits cause he knows I have a season for Cheetos, as a meal, and it too will pass. I miss the intimacy. I miss going to see his parents or my father together, I miss deciding together which movie to watch or making dinner together...I miss watching him sleep. I miss knowing that when I stray and play its idleness not because I have to.

I guess it serves me right for being how I am in these matters but its a hard pill nonetheless....afterall, I'm just a girl....with stupid emotions.

The good thing though is that this like my Cheetos habit, will pass and next week I will post about my triumph over the "Valentines Day blues" and be refreshed yet again to fight in this cruel, cruel world.