Down on my Knees

On the verge of a break through, skipping stones in my mind asking myself if I really want to shine, want to be lifted up above my circumstances and into a realm of consciousness which surpasses the physical, the material…the livity part of life.

Notions of subterfuge ramble in my head. Oh how I wish I hadn’t said come in, cause then I could stick to my usual plan and fill the loneliness in my heart with the tender lips of a another man. But I did, I did say yes and now I am bound by the tenets of generations past, tenets which forces me to remember Gethsemane.

And though I try to fill my psyche with pure love for my neighbour, coveting, sating that raw need in me with someone else’s someone still finds space in my heart….Am I beyond help then? Never that, I know, for he promised he would make me white as snow, he promised to help if only I should call upon him,. And I do but at what point does repetitive falter become presumptuous sin? At what point will he harden his heart and ears against my pleas? Surely the prospect of losing him as a friend is much greater than any worldly need I could have to test his faith in me.

Oh though I wish I were the old me, cause then even the words I type now wouldn’t appear to be blasphemy. I am disappointed because I have shamed him already in my heart with these thoughts. I have lusted after the flesh, I have sinned in my words if not my deeds, I am ashamed for I judge, when he has taught me not to judge, I have not kept his temple holy.

Even as I stir from my bed at night begging, pleading with him to give me full insight into his plan for my life, I cannot shut down the thoughts of a kiss the morning after, a hug, an intimate touch, a suck…I cannot beat these images of well built men, willing and able to please me, into the recesses of my new mind…

Oh hear my cry oh Lord and let me stand firm in this time when the wicked rise up against the I....when my flesh is weak, when all that I think about is feeling the electric pulse of body heat... Order my steps Oh Jah, order my heart, order my mind..lead me.